Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Why changing your attitude is often a hard task? Watch

Announcements
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hello everyone, my name is Jorge. I'm new here and I would like to seek some advice from you.

    Lets be straight. I want to boost my self-esteem and be a different man. Lets see the background of this: I have been victim of bullying during primary and secondary school. Merely I was the typical stupid manipulable guy; very good heart; very kind. I won't go in deeper detail. Whatever is on the past will be left behind, however I still having those traumas and bad energies hanging around which have affected me in many social situations, I just wanna run away. I lack of friends; no charm to ask a girl out; lack of confidence even when I've got everything to be happy. I arrived to London in 2014 (originally from Venezuela), I've managed to become fluent in english in just 5 months despite I was agonizing in the process of that, but I'm happy with what I've achieved. I'm also an aspiring airline pilot and aerospace engineering student (due to start in sep 2017). What has made so hard the process of changing myself is the fact I am now part of a different country, different culture, a language that doesn't belong to me and needs a great improvement. Due to this I've found it way harder to establish contact with the locals because I am so different to them, we wouldn't understand each other. Most of my friends are spanish speakers. Guys, please be rational, it is easy to say "if you are shy, don't be it" "if you are introvert, be extrovert" is not that easy as it looks, I've got to embark this process of building up my personality but I reckon I have to work double. What stops me from doing what I want are those bad memories, I was a plaything, people loved to see me in the worst of the situation even though I've never done anything to harm anyone. I've kidnaped just before emigrating so my life once was marginal. People often think I'm boring or arrogant, but those are fallacies. I am a nice and good-looking guy with a lot of potential, I don't deserve to be unhappy because I have no reasons. Anyway, this is something I have to fix myself, but I am open to hear all your suggestions. I'm willing to do what is needed to be done.

    All the best!!
    • TSR Support Team
    • Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by JorgeMardini)
    Hello everyone, my name is Jorge. I'm new here and I would like to seek some advice from you.

    Lets be straight. I want to boost my self-esteem and be a different man. Lets see the background of this: I have been victim of bullying during primary and secondary school. Merely I was the typical stupid manipulable guy; very good heart; very kind. I won't go in deeper detail. Whatever is on the past will be left behind, however I still having those traumas and bad energies hanging around which have affected me in many social situations, I just wanna run away. I lack of friends; no charm to ask a girl out; lack of confidence even when I've got everything to be happy. I arrived to London in 2014 (originally from Venezuela), I've managed to become fluent in english in just 5 months despite I was agonizing in the process of that, but I'm happy with what I've achieved. I'm also an aspiring airline pilot and aerospace engineering student (due to start in sep 2017).

    What has made so hard the process of changing myself is the fact I am now part of a different country, different culture, a language that doesn't belong to me and needs a great improvement. Due to this I've found it way harder to establish contact with the locals because I am so different to them, we wouldn't understand each other. Most of my friends are spanish speakers. Guys, please be rational, it is easy to say "if you are shy, don't be it" "if you are introvert, be extrovert" is not that easy as it looks, I've got to embark this process of building up my personality but I reckon I have to work double. "No pain no gain". What stops me from doing what I want are those bad memories, I was a plaything, people loved to see me in the worst of the situation even though I've never done anything to harm anyone. I've kidnaped just before emigrating so my life once was marginal. People often think I'm boring or arrogant, but those are fallacies. I am a nice and good-looking guy with a lot of potential, I don't deserve to be unhappy because I have no reasons. Anyway, this is something I have to fix myself, but I am open to hear all your suggestions. I'm willing to do what is needed to be done.

    All the best!!
    Hey, sorry for the late reply- been trying to work out what to say to this! It sounds like you've had quite a hard time and I'm not surprised you're struggling a bit now. There doesn't always have to be a reason anyway- mental illness doesn't discriminate, any more than any other one. I don't know what your NHS/healthcare entitlement is like in the UK but have you seen your GP or a medical professional about how you're feeling at all? There's a lot they can do to help, including referring you for counselling or therapy which it sounds like could help you a lot. There's also things like Moodgym that you can do online which might help, speaking to someone face to face is normally better though. Everything takes time and you can work through things bit by bit- there's no rush! Once you're at uni there are lots of societies and things there you can meet people through, and also support services you can access that will help too so don't worry about that. In the meantime do what you can and focus on your mental health and getting where you want to go, that's what's most important. Good luck!
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by furryface12)
    Hey, sorry for the late reply- been trying to work out what to say to this! It sounds like you've had quite a hard time and I'm not surprised you're struggling a bit now. There doesn't always have to be a reason anyway- mental illness doesn't discriminate, any more than any other one. I don't know what your NHS/healthcare entitlement is like in the UK but have you seen your GP or a medical professional about how you're feeling at all? There's a lot they can do to help, including referring you for counselling or therapy which it sounds like could help you a lot. There's also things like Moodgym that you can do online which might help, speaking to someone face to face is normally better though. Everything takes time and you can work through things bit by bit- there's no rush! Once you're at uni there are lots of societies and things there you can meet people through, and also support services you can access that will help too so don't worry about that. In the meantime do what you can and focus on your mental health and getting where you want to go, that's what's most important. Good luck!
    Hi there. I do appreciate your time taken to answer my query. I am not mentally ill, I think we have felt this way at least one in our life, but as I said I still newish in the UK despite I arrived 3 years ago so it takes a while to settle. I do take your word of being referred to counselling, however I have already spoken to my college´s counsellor and she´s helped me a lot to see everything from a different angle. I am quite happy here, I have faced many obstacles at the beggining, had a hard time of course, but it was worthy because I am now a stronger person focused on my targets. I am pretty confident that I´ll do very well at uni. Thanks a lot for your help

    King regards,

    Jorge.
    • TSR Support Team
    • Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by JorgeMardini)
    Hi there. I do appreciate your time taken to answer my query. I am not mentally ill, I think we have felt this way at least one in our life, but as I said I still newish in the UK despite I arrived 3 years ago so it takes a while to settle. I do take your word of being referred to counselling, however I have already spoken to my college´s counsellor and she´s helped me a lot to see everything from a different angle. I am quite happy here, I have faced many obstacles at the beggining, had a hard time of course, but it was worthy because I am now a stronger person focused on my targets. I am pretty confident that I´ll do very well at uni. Thanks a lot for your help

    King regards,

    Jorge.
    Sorry, I completely misunderstood your post I think also made assumptions about it being in the mental health forum which I really shouldn't have done sorry! I agree it's quite normal to feel like this- if it starts affecting everyday life it can become a problem but otherwise just means we're human really. Glad your college counsellor has helped you a lot glad you're happy here too and think you're stronger for it, that's always a good thing. Hope it continues for you!

    Coming back to the changing attitude thing, would it help to write a list of who you'd like to be and what to do, and then break them down into steps how to do that? That's helped me a lot with similar things in the past sometimes. Sometimes I'll get partway through working towards them and realise I'm fine as I am in that respect, and that's okay. Being able to see progress I like though, especially when I'm struggling mentally and feeling like I'll never get anywhere. Just a thought anyway!
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by furryface12)
    Sorry, I completely misunderstood your post I think also made assumptions about it being in the mental health forum which I really shouldn't have done sorry! I agree it's quite normal to feel like this- if it starts affecting everyday life it can become a problem but otherwise just means we're human really. Glad your college counsellor has helped you a lot glad you're happy here too and think you're stronger for it, that's always a good thing. Hope it continues for you!

    Coming back to the changing attitude thing, would it help to write a list of who you'd like to be and what to do, and then break them down into steps how to do that? That's helped me a lot with similar things in the past sometimes. Sometimes I'll get partway through working towards them and realise I'm fine as I am in that respect, and that's okay. Being able to see progress I like though, especially when I'm struggling mentally and feeling like I'll never get anywhere. Just a thought anyway!
    Top marks!!!!
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by JorgeMardini)
    Hello everyone, my name is Jorge. I'm new here and I would like to seek some advice from you.

    Lets be straight. I want to boost my self-esteem and be a different man. Lets see the background of this: I have been victim of bullying during primary and secondary school. Merely I was the typical stupid manipulable guy; very good heart; very kind. I won't go in deeper detail. Whatever is on the past will be left behind, however I still having those traumas and bad energies hanging around which have affected me in many social situations, I just wanna run away. I lack of friends; no charm to ask a girl out; lack of confidence even when I've got everything to be happy. I arrived to London in 2014 (originally from Venezuela), I've managed to become fluent in english in just 5 months despite I was agonizing in the process of that, but I'm happy with what I've achieved. I'm also an aspiring airline pilot and aerospace engineering student (due to start in sep 2017). What has made so hard the process of changing myself is the fact I am now part of a different country, different culture, a language that doesn't belong to me and needs a great improvement. Due to this I've found it way harder to establish contact with the locals because I am so different to them, we wouldn't understand each other. Most of my friends are spanish speakers. Guys, please be rational, it is easy to say "if you are shy, don't be it" "if you are introvert, be extrovert" is not that easy as it looks, I've got to embark this process of building up my personality but I reckon I have to work double. "No pain no gain". What stops me from doing what I want are those bad memories, I was a plaything, people loved to see me in the worst of the situation even though I've never done anything to harm anyone. I've kidnaped just before emigrating so my life once was marginal. People often think I'm boring or arrogant, but those are fallacies. I am a nice and good-looking guy with a lot of potential, I don't deserve to be unhappy because I have no reasons. Anyway, this is something I have to fix myself, but I am open to hear all your suggestions. I'm willing to do what is needed to be done.

    All the best!!
    People are creatures of habit. We are designed to find something and stick with it. We don't like the unknown, even if the known is bad for us.

    One of the best ways i'm aware of to change behaviours is CBT. This usually means therapy but can also be found online and looked at by yourself.
    I've explained it a bit in a post somewhat recently (title was cbt i think), but you can find good info on google too if you look around a bit.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Kindred)
    People are creatures of habit. We are designed to find something and stick with it. We don't like the unknown, even if the known is bad for us.

    One of the best ways i'm aware of to change behaviours is CBT. This usually means therapy but can also be found online and looked at by yourself.
    I've explained it a bit in a post somewhat recently (title was cbt i think), but you can find good info on google too if you look around a bit.
    To be fair to you, CBT is not at bad idea at all, but being frank what happens to me is not that severe to undergo into therapy because I´m able to get away of my issues by myself despite I often try very hard because is not that easy. I am very open to ask people out so we can come across suggestions and based on that I do the rest which gives me such a hard time, but worthy at the end.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by JorgeMardini)
    To be fair to you, CBT is not at bad idea at all, but being frank what happens to me is not that severe to undergo into therapy because I´m able to get away of my issues by myself despite I often try very hard because is not that easy. I am very open to ask people out so we can come across suggestions and based on that I do the rest which gives me such a hard time, but worthy at the end.
    CBT is a type of therapy, but you can also just use it as a bit of a basis for how to approach some stuff. You don't need to go to therapy, just look at the idea behind it and see if you can take any inspiration from it.
    One of the main parts of cbt it to look at something you want to change in your life (say it's have more friends or be more sociable) and work out a realistic way of achieving that, along with how to cope with any challenges you may face.
    To do that you look at why you currently have an issues with it and how to change it. It's all about finding what works for you.

    So to some extent CBT is just a way of looking at things. If you're having more serious issues you can have therapy to help you with it, but you don't have to.
    But anyway, it's not for everybody and that's fine.


    I think you've already answered your own question in some way by pointing out some of the things challenging you. You mentioned that your past still affects you and that it (along with being from another country) means you have some difficulties socialising. One of the things that would help you is to find a way for that past to stop affecting you so much. Maybe by telling yourself that not everybody want to treat you that way and that now you are older and wiser and won't stand for things like that.

    As for the culture difference, maybe you're more aware of differences because you came her from a different place and had to get used to all of it. Other people may be less aware of the differences than you are and not see it as that big a deal. Maybe try opening yourself up a little and see how it goes. Hopefully you'll see that it's not as hard as you thought to find a connection. It can often help to try to bond over something so joining a club may help. I get the impression you're going to uni soon? Maybe join a society and use that to give a common interest and point of conversation.

    There may also be a section on TSR for people from other countries and they may have a good perspective for helping you since they have probably had to manage with a similar culture difference.

    You've already shown that you are capable of achieving big things by learning a new language (I would have never guessed English was your second language by reading this). If you can manage that you can manage this too.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Kindred)
    CBT is a type of therapy, but you can also just use it as a bit of a basis for how to approach some stuff. You don't need to go to therapy, just look at the idea behind it and see if you can take any inspiration from it.
    One of the main parts of cbt it to look at something you want to change in your life (say it's have more friends or be more sociable) and work out a realistic way of achieving that, along with how to cope with any challenges you may face.
    To do that you look at why you currently have an issues with it and how to change it. It's all about finding what works for you.

    So to some extent CBT is just a way of looking at things. If you're having more serious issues you can have therapy to help you with it, but you don't have to.
    But anyway, it's not for everybody and that's fine.


    I think you've already answered your own question in some way by pointing out some of the things challenging you. You mentioned that your past still affects you and that it (along with being from another country) means you have some difficulties socialising. One of the things that would help you is to find a way for that past to stop affecting you so much. Maybe by telling yourself that not everybody want to treat you that way and that now you are older and wiser and won't stand for things like that.

    As for the culture difference, maybe you're more aware of differences because you came her from a different place and had to get used to all of it. Other people may be less aware of the differences than you are and not see it as that big a deal. Maybe try opening yourself up a little and see how it goes. Hopefully you'll see that it's not as hard as you thought to find a connection. It can often help to try to bond over something so joining a club may help. I get the impression you're going to uni soon? Maybe join a society and use that to give a common interest and point of conversation.

    There may also be a section on TSR for people from other countries and they may have a good perspective for helping you since they have probably had to manage with a similar culture difference.

    You've already shown that you are capable of achieving big things by learning a new language (I would have never guessed English was your second language by reading this). If you can manage that you can manage this too.
    Hadn´t seen it that way though. CBT seems to be a starting point to place the beams and building up a complete different attitude. I do thank you for the compliment at the end, I assume you´re English and where an English native realises or says I do manage the language very well I feel very pleased and to be honest my English is good but I reckon it will be better in a short future. The hard work ended up being worthy. You´re right, I´m going to uni this year and I have the felling I´ll break the expectations, meaning, if anyone expect anything good from be, I will make sure that the boundaries will be overcome instead of doing something considered "just good".
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 19, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Will you be richer or poorer than your parents?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.