Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I want to make this post to see if there are any others who are/ have been in this situation.

    My Mum has deep-seeded depression which causes suicidal tendencies. In the past she has been hospitalized for attempts of suicide. Serious attempts. She'd stay in hospital and have to be treated before they could let her go. I understand that a large part of it was due to her abusive upbringing both at school and at home. She never told me any of this out of fear that I would take the same path. I never knew the extent of it. In the past I thought she just over reacted to situations and I could never understand why. I don't know what to do. I know recently, a lot of it is my fault since she isn't in contact with those who abused her in the past.

    Not long ago, a few months ago actually, we had a big row. I cant even remember what we rowed about. But she just upped and left and wasn't back until 10 at night. Said she was at the park just watching the ducks and relaxing. I didn't believe her. I wish I would have asked what had really happened. I found out that she was actually suicidal and was contemplating suicide. Earlier on today we had a row with another family member, she got very upset and got ready to leave, saying it was her time to go and she had to leave. Her time to go? I knew from then on something wasn't right. We talked about it and now I'm stuck, because I know that I almost lost my mother permanently and it was my fault. I feel like now I'm stepping on eggshells because I don't want to do or say anything that can cause arguing. I'm planning on Uni in a few years time, found the perfect course in Bristol. Now it looks like I wont be going as I'm worried there will be no one there for her. I now know that when she spends lots of time in her room or when shes just really quiet - somethings not right and I cant do anything to stop it. Any one else in the same situation?
    • #2
    #2

    Not in the same situation but suffering from major depression, so maybe I can offer some insight into how your mother feels? I'm really sorry and it's very difficult for close family members to take care of someone who is mentally ill.

    I had an abusive upbringing. Parents were physically and verbally abusive. And a family friend was sexually abusive. I would constantly think about suicide...mostly as an escape. I suppose your mother feels trapped. Her suicidal thoughts are what keeps here safe. It sounds like she is still trapped in the past. I wonder if she has had counselling or some sort of psychotherapy? Because I think that's the only real way to work through her problems.

    You can't take care of her forever. She needs to learn coping skills and therapy would hugely benefit her. I wonder if you could buy her a dog or cat to keep her occupy her. Encourage her to take up a sport or hobby. That really helps to lift her mood. Really just be there to talk to her and let her speak.
    • #2
    #2

    There's also the possiblity your mother has BPD. That might explain the overreactions and frequent suicide attempts, especially in relation to a conflict. She needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. Best of luck and remember to take care of yourself too x.
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I want to make this post to see if there are any others who are/ have been in this situation.

    My Mum has deep-seeded depression which causes suicidal tendencies. In the past she has been hospitalized for attempts of suicide. Serious attempts. She'd stay in hospital and have to be treated before they could let her go. I understand that a large part of it was due to her abusive upbringing both at school and at home. She never told me any of this out of fear that I would take the same path. I never knew the extent of it. In the past I thought she just over reacted to situations and I could never understand why. I don't know what to do. I know recently, a lot of it is my fault since she isn't in contact with those who abused her in the past.

    Not long ago, a few months ago actually, we had a big row. I cant even remember what we rowed about. But she just upped and left and wasn't back until 10 at night. Said she was at the park just watching the ducks and relaxing. I didn't believe her. I wish I would have asked what had really happened. I found out that she was actually suicidal and was contemplating suicide. Earlier on today we had a row with another family member, she got very upset and got ready to leave, saying it was her time to go and she had to leave. Her time to go? I knew from then on something wasn't right. We talked about it and now I'm stuck, because I know that I almost lost my mother permanently and it was my fault. I feel like now I'm stepping on eggshells because I don't want to do or say anything that can cause arguing. I'm planning on Uni in a few years time, found the perfect course in Bristol. Now it looks like I wont be going as I'm worried there will be no one there for her. I now know that when she spends lots of time in her room or when shes just really quiet - somethings not right and I cant do anything to stop it. Any one else in the same situation?
    PM me and I will get back to you tomorrow.
    Similar situation to you :hugs:
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I want to make this post to see if there are any others who are/ have been in this situation.

    My Mum has deep-seeded depression which causes suicidal tendencies. In the past she has been hospitalized for attempts of suicide. Serious attempts. She'd stay in hospital and have to be treated before they could let her go. I understand that a large part of it was due to her abusive upbringing both at school and at home. She never told me any of this out of fear that I would take the same path. I never knew the extent of it. In the past I thought she just over reacted to situations and I could never understand why. I don't know what to do. I know recently, a lot of it is my fault since she isn't in contact with those who abused her in the past.

    Not long ago, a few months ago actually, we had a big row. I cant even remember what we rowed about. But she just upped and left and wasn't back until 10 at night. Said she was at the park just watching the ducks and relaxing. I didn't believe her. I wish I would have asked what had really happened. I found out that she was actually suicidal and was contemplating suicide. Earlier on today we had a row with another family member, she got very upset and got ready to leave, saying it was her time to go and she had to leave. Her time to go? I knew from then on something wasn't right. We talked about it and now I'm stuck, because I know that I almost lost my mother permanently and it was my fault. I feel like now I'm stepping on eggshells because I don't want to do or say anything that can cause arguing. I'm planning on Uni in a few years time, found the perfect course in Bristol. Now it looks like I wont be going as I'm worried there will be no one there for her. I now know that when she spends lots of time in her room or when shes just really quiet - somethings not right and I cant do anything to stop it. Any one else in the same situation?
    I am not unfamiliar with this. First get your place at Bristol, but I would say if you dont go this year then you must next.

    Obviously she needs the right sort of treatment and support, but you do as well. It cant hold you hostage.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I want to make this post to see if there are any others who are/ have been in this situation.

    My Mum has deep-seeded depression which causes suicidal tendencies. In the past she has been hospitalized for attempts of suicide. Serious attempts. She'd stay in hospital and have to be treated before they could let her go. I understand that a large part of it was due to her abusive upbringing both at school and at home. She never told me any of this out of fear that I would take the same path. I never knew the extent of it. In the past I thought she just over reacted to situations and I could never understand why. I don't know what to do. I know recently, a lot of it is my fault since she isn't in contact with those who abused her in the past.

    Not long ago, a few months ago actually, we had a big row. I cant even remember what we rowed about. But she just upped and left and wasn't back until 10 at night. Said she was at the park just watching the ducks and relaxing. I didn't believe her. I wish I would have asked what had really happened. I found out that she was actually suicidal and was contemplating suicide. Earlier on today we had a row with another family member, she got very upset and got ready to leave, saying it was her time to go and she had to leave. Her time to go? I knew from then on something wasn't right. We talked about it and now I'm stuck, because I know that I almost lost my mother permanently and it was my fault. I feel like now I'm stepping on eggshells because I don't want to do or say anything that can cause arguing. I'm planning on Uni in a few years time, found the perfect course in Bristol. Now it looks like I wont be going as I'm worried there will be no one there for her. I now know that when she spends lots of time in her room or when shes just really quiet - somethings not right and I cant do anything to stop it. Any one else in the same situation?
    Hey Anon,

    I was in a similar situation with my dad a couple of years ago. In around 2011, he suddenly developed paranoid delusional disorder (in which he believed my mother wanted to poison him), along with depression. Both of these gradually worsened as time went on (he refused to see a doctor, as he believed there was nothing wrong with him), and this ultimately led to him attempting suicide on three separate occasions (that we know of).

    I remember very clearly coming home from sixth form one day, shortly before his third and most serious attempt, and him sitting me down and telling me that he'd been 'having some thoughts'. He wouldn't elaborate though, he told me he couldn't put them into words. He then told me not to tell anyone what he'd said. Obviously that set alarm bells ringing for me, but I was faced with a dilemma - I knew that if I told my mum what he'd said and he somehow found out, that I would lose his trust forever and that might push him over the edge once again.

    After this third attempt, he was kept in the local hospital's mental health unit for several months, as he couldn't come back to live with me and my mum, as she was fuelling his paranoia, however he also didn't have anywhere else to go as my grandpa couldn't cope with the stress of trying to look after him, and none of my other family members could accommodate him. Eventually, he was able to move into his own little flat, and he still lives there now. My family is now quite divided because of his illness, there are few people left that he actually trusts.

    I guess what I'm trying to get at with all this is that you are undoubtedly the only one experiencing these problems with your family. Do people outside your family what is going on with your mum? It's important for you and your other family members, as well as your mum, to seek support and advice on this, so that you aren't trying to deal with everything by yourselves.

    I hope you're okay, you can message me any time if you want a chat :hugs:
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I can relate. Talk her out. Be there for her. Do things that make her happy.
    My mum regrets having her children in her late 20s. She wished she had them in her early years because it's stressful.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #3
    #3

    My parents both verbally and physically abused each other for about a year, and it left all of us pretty much depressed. I'm pretty sure my dad was severely depressed, and my mum was suicidal and cut. Because I knew what the source of our problems was (my parents being unable to live together) I ended up telling them to separate. My dad moved out almost 2 years ago, and my mum is now relatively stable and hasn't cut in ages.

    They still argue, and both my parents are stressed, but being apart really helps. I feel uncomfortable being open with my parents, and so I've never talked to them in depth about the issues that arose 2 years ago. I think that putting distance between them has helped, and me standing up and asking them to separate was the closest I will ever get to being open with them. You're going to have to do the same thing. I don't know how, but you're going to have to reassure her in your own way. Good luck though, you have us backing you up.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Pssssst, it isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself over someone having a mental illness, and beating yourself up might just make her feel worse. There are so many factors that can lead to suicidal tendencies, so it's best to seek professional help and therapy.
    Online

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I want to make this post to see if there are any others who are/ have been in this situation.

    My Mum has deep-seeded depression which causes suicidal tendencies. In the past she has been hospitalized for attempts of suicide. Serious attempts. She'd stay in hospital and have to be treated before they could let her go. I understand that a large part of it was due to her abusive upbringing both at school and at home. She never told me any of this out of fear that I would take the same path. I never knew the extent of it. In the past I thought she just over reacted to situations and I could never understand why. I don't know what to do. I know recently, a lot of it is my fault since she isn't in contact with those who abused her in the past.

    Not long ago, a few months ago actually, we had a big row. I cant even remember what we rowed about. But she just upped and left and wasn't back until 10 at night. Said she was at the park just watching the ducks and relaxing. I didn't believe her. I wish I would have asked what had really happened. I found out that she was actually suicidal and was contemplating suicide. Earlier on today we had a row with another family member, she got very upset and got ready to leave, saying it was her time to go and she had to leave. Her time to go? I knew from then on something wasn't right. We talked about it and now I'm stuck, because I know that I almost lost my mother permanently and it was my fault. I feel like now I'm stepping on eggshells because I don't want to do or say anything that can cause arguing. I'm planning on Uni in a few years time, found the perfect course in Bristol. Now it looks like I wont be going as I'm worried there will be no one there for her. I now know that when she spends lots of time in her room or when shes just really quiet - somethings not right and I cant do anything to stop it. Any one else in the same situation?
    You are not alone. My father tried to commit suicide so many times. He was always in the psychiatric hospital, that he almost lived there.

    Do not let your mother define your future. You are not her keeper and it is not your fault that your mother was contemplating suicide.

    Let me tell you that suicidal people are very selfish - and I am not saying this out of meanness - they cannot see the bigger picture and the ripple effect that their action will take.

    My advice to you is to share your feelings with member of your family and the school. Keep your head down and get that place at university. Your mother will be contemplating suicide ( possibly attention seeking) whether you are there or not.

    Big big hug over the internet and if you ever want to share/talk please message me - I have been there.
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    You must stop thinking it's your fault, because it absolutely isn't. It is natural to want to help your parent, but you are not responsible for them. You should go to university, even if it upsets your mum. At the moment you are at risk of developing depression yourself because of what you're going through, and you certainly won't be able to help her if you get sick yourself. Seek help from an organisation that supports carers, and take breaks/ do things for yourself when you need to. If you ever think your mum is imminently going to attempt suicide then call 999. Chin up x


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not in the same situation but suffering from major depression, so maybe I can offer some insight into how your mother feels? I'm really sorry and it's very difficult for close family members to take care of someone who is mentally ill.

    I had an abusive upbringing. Parents were physically and verbally abusive. And a family friend was sexually abusive. I would constantly think about suicide...mostly as an escape. I suppose your mother feels trapped. Her suicidal thoughts are what keeps here safe. It sounds like she is still trapped in the past. I wonder if she has had counselling or some sort of psychotherapy? Because I think that's the only real way to work through her problems.

    You can't take care of her forever. She needs to learn coping skills and therapy would hugely benefit her. I wonder if you could buy her a dog or cat to keep her occupy her. Encourage her to take up a sport or hobby. That really helps to lift her mood. Really just be there to talk to her and let her speak.
    Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, that must have been awful. I cannot pretend to imagine how that must feel. She has had counselling and has been into mental health hospitals before, she doesn't like them. Says it doesn't help.
    Thanks for your advice. I'm sure I could find something to suit her. I know she has to learn to cope, I just don't want her going through it alone.

    Thank you,

    Anon (thread starter)
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Habina786xx)
    I can relate. Talk her out. Be there for her. Do things that make her happy.
    My mum regrets having her children in her late 20s. She wished she had them in her early years because it's stressful.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    :jumphug::heart:

    I understand that. My mum is a single mum when she had me and my twin sis. No money to her name and having to go without food to feed us. Mums are amazing.

    Anon (thread starter)
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by BringMoreCoffee)
    You must stop thinking it's your fault, because it absolutely isn't. It is natural to want to help your parent, but you are not responsible for them. You should go to university, even if it upsets your mum. At the moment you are at risk of developing depression yourself because of what you're going through, and you certainly won't be able to help her if you get sick yourself. Seek help from an organisation that supports carers, and take breaks/ do things for yourself when you need to. If you ever think your mum is imminently going to attempt suicide then call 999. Chin up x


    Posted from TSR Mobile

    :hugs: I know that depression can take ahold of you and that its not my fault. I just hope and pray that she will be okay. Thank you for your awesome advice xo

    Anon, (thread starter)
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My parents both verbally and physically abused each other for about a year, and it left all of us pretty much depressed. I'm pretty sure my dad was severely depressed, and my mum was suicidal and cut. Because I knew what the source of our problems was (my parents being unable to live together) I ended up telling them to separate. My dad moved out almost 2 years ago, and my mum is now relatively stable and hasn't cut in ages.

    They still argue, and both my parents are stressed, but being apart really helps. I feel uncomfortable being open with my parents, and so I've never talked to them in depth about the issues that arose 2 years ago. I think that putting distance between them has helped, and me standing up and asking them to separate was the closest I will ever get to being open with them. You're going to have to do the same thing. I don't know how, but you're going to have to reassure her in your own way. Good luck though, you have us backing you up.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Pssssst, it isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself over someone having a mental illness, and beating yourself up might just make her feel worse. There are so many factors that can lead to suicidal tendencies, so it's best to seek professional help and therapy.

    Sorry to here that, Anon. I'm not sure what my next move will be. But with support I guess I'll figure it out. I hope things at home get better soon :console:
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I am not unfamiliar with this. First get your place at Bristol, but I would say if you dont go this year then you must next.

    Obviously she needs the right sort of treatment and support, but you do as well. It cant hold you hostage.
    You're absolutely right!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There's also the possiblity your mother has BPD. That might explain the overreactions and frequent suicide attempts, especially in relation to a conflict. She needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. Best of luck and remember to take care of yourself too x.
    Thank you xx
    • #4
    #4

    Can't say I'm in a similar position or have been in the same position but when I was younger both my mother and father were suicidal, my mum was during and after her marriage and my dad was after he got divorced, both went through periods of destructive behaviour and suicide attempts

    Don't give up going to university but do consider taking a gap year to try and sort things out because going to university with constant issues, feeling down, feeling worried, etc. Will mean you're not doing your best and missing out on a lot. As for how you help your mum I really can't say… I was only a kid, I can relate to the feeling of worry and hopelessness but all I can advise is that you spend time with her and get her help, once she's doing better talk to her about it more and more, hopefully things will get better. I've not got the best advice but I can tell you things don't always have to be that way
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Found this post in the search and I can feel for you and your mother,

    There are something you have to know.

    My aunt has had a major despressive disorder since her early 30s after being fired in her company. All those medicine did not work on her and quite oppositely, she ended up in a hospital for a few years (can't remember as I was little) and that hospital was horrified where she was isolated from all the healthy people. And now she can only stay in a house and cannot go back to the society anymore. Her parents regret all the time that she did not receive help in time or she might be a normal healthy person today.

    I remember when I was a kid, she seemed to be so amiable and I counld not see anything wrong with her. But now I have moderate depression, which is a irony as my parents sometimes blame me just like my aunt, and I am an insider who knows better than anyone that depression is a disease you can hardly tell from one's appearance.

    So please understand that even if a patient who has depression smiles to you or appears to be calmed, he or she may have dramatic pain and struggling inside combining with shame for the disease. I can constantly feel the pain in my chest, throat and head. I burst out tears when I go back to my room alone and yes crying out makes me feel relieved a bit. In the everning, sometimes I feel I really cannot breathe and my whole body is incredibly uncomfortable and itchy. When the symptoms reflect in a physical way, it is no longer a mild depression.

    And I was living in a student flat last year and was bullied by a flatmate who often got so dramatic. I understand how awful that situation could be.

    What I could suggest is first, she needs someone to make her feel less helpless and support her unconditionally, idealy a professional counsellor and second she has to rest and not take pressure for a period of time. A lot of people's depression get worse because they can't take a break to receive a decent treatment year have concerns about their achievement in work or study.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 6, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.