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need unbiased opinions and advice

Female, 18, Gap year

I was with a guy for about a year, and then we called it quits because he wasn't ready for a relationship, and kept cancelling our plans etc - he's the type that likes being alone etc. I was sad, but I got over it. We still spoke all day every day - nothing had changed aside from the fact we weren't together - we weren't seeing eachother, or anything else that you get from a relationship. In essense, we were just very close friends who used to have something.

He kissed someone else on a night out after we broke up, and I've done the same - we both reacted negatively and it hurt, but it didn't motivate either of us to get back together or try again, rather it pushed us away from each other.

However, a few months on from this, I agreed to a date with someone, and told him about it as I am honest and believed he had the right to know. He then put in 100% effort in trying to get me back, saw me, etc. I went on the date, it didn't work out, and I told him as much, saying I wouldn't mind trying again with us; we hadn't ended badly, it was more of a 'we don't have time for each other at the minute'

I've not seen him since this, despite trying to make plans. Writing this it seems ridiculous that I'm still trying in this situation. I'm just unsure on how to leave it behind without hurting anybody in the process. We will be apart for three months travelling separately, and then we both go to university in September, so its not like i have time to wait and see if he changes his mind, or else I'll be another three months into whatever is between us without any change.

Any advice?

Reply 1

Hopefully1

You already know what the right thing to do is.

You're in a situation where you are emotionally close to this guy but he won't admit that he has the same emotional connection... which he does. The situation you are describing, to me, doesn't seem healthy. He has you to talk to but doesn't want more.... yet he doesn't want you moving forward with your life.... he just wants you available to him on his terms. What would you want from this friendship? Are your needs being met at all or are you more less just frustrated? You are on the second half of your gap year and it sounds like there is going to be a fair amount of traveling involved away from each other, although, let's be honest with internet connection you can still be in contact with anyone anywhere. Then you will both be going off to uni come September. Different unis? I hope you will be living in the student accommodation on campus. If so, your world is going to change... a lot!! You'll meet loads of new people and new guys will be interested in you. It seems to me that you've been very accommodating and available to this guy friend and, frankly, he's taken advantage of this. You were together and he would cancel and couldn't be bothered to meet up with you yet you'd talk (online?) all day, everyday...... so he has time for that but not to actually meet you. Sounds like he really just couldn't be bothered to leave the house! Maybe depression is an issue for him where therapy could help but you can't fix that.

Who knows what his rationale is but he's not being fair to you and we went out on a date.... you're not w/ him so he really shouldn't even get upset... you're just friends (per his terms). You're not going to hurt him.... I think he's done more hurting towards you. I would suggest you not be as available (he's not been for you) and you slowly ease back. You're going to keep repeating this same pattern with him unless you start removing yourself from the situation and talk to him less and less. You don't want this 'friend' to keep you from forming and making new relationships.

You told him you'd like to try again and he kind of disappeared and you haven't seen him since? Have you talked? You did nothing wrong....in fact you were right.... going out on that date. I'd ask him again what he thinks of your being a couple (and I doubt he's going to change his mind) then I'd move on w/ less contact with him. Then when you do speak to him just consider him a buddy. Once you start traveling and heading off to uni your life is going to look a lot different. Good Luck.