The Student Room Group

27, single, female. I thought it was me but it isn't. Now how do I find the guy?

I'm female and single. I've chosen to be single for about 6 years now because no one within my social/work circles fits the type of person I've been looking for and I really don't see the point in wasting mine or anyone else's time. I'm a loyal and passionate person...I don't go into things half-heartedly and basically I just didn't want to have my time wasted in my early 20's and end up getting hurt as I had in my teens, out of naivety.

Recently I started university (I left school and went straight into work). I'm from a very working class family/place and went to a poorly-performing secondary school. Bluntly: I've been surrounded by the wrong people my entire life. Now I realise why I was hesitant to enter into any romantic/sexual relationships with any guys I've met since a certain age - they just weren't within the kind of social circle that I fit into.

I've always been mature for my age and I prefer intellectual older men with a level of maturity, humour and altruism that I've only ever found in novels or TV shows...never in reality. In reality I've only ever met young guys with little in the way of kindness, intellect and maturity. Not their fault particularly, I'm sure they'll find partners to suit them - but I have chosen not to get involved. I had grown up believing that this was just the typical male of the species, and recently I've come to realise how wrong that is.

I met this guy - he's like 20-ish years older than me (a lecturer). We get on very well - we make each other laugh, he's very sharp minded and witty. He's incredibly intelligent, he's also incredibly good/kind (think healthcare professional) and he's mature in his demeanour. He is actually relatively handsome but that's something I've just thought about as I type this. I'm mostly drawn to his personality...as with any relationship, platonic or otherwise. Anyway, he's married so he's completely and utterly off limits. But meeting him has made me realise that there are actually clever, funny, altruistic guys out there....I just barely ever encounter them. I'm not a freak who can't get a date...I've just got standards that have been impossible to meet within my environment. But now I've figured out the problem....it's not men and it's not my standards...it's the environment in which I've been looking.

So...how does someone find the professor/doctor/professional type of man as an undergrad from a working class background surrounded by 18 year olds? Someone at uni said Tinder/POF....but they literally look like a joke full of horny 18-25's.

I can't be the only one...?
Think about what these types of guys are doing in their life. You won't find them at night clubs and such. They have already settled down and have particular interests. So if you go to those places, gatherings, meetings, etc, you'll find them. But uni probably isn't the place, unless you can meet any post grads.
Focus on finishing your studies and entering a profession where there are guys like that.
If you are young and attractive it will be easy to this type of guy. However you seem naive to think younger guys are not kind and altruistic we are maybe just because we do not show it on the outside doesn't mean it isn't there.
Reply 4
Original post by karl pilkington
If you are young and attractive it will be easy to this type of guy. However you seem naive to think younger guys are not kind and altruistic we are maybe just because we do not show it on the outside doesn't mean it isn't there.


I never said that. I just have a preference for older men. I like the maturity (I know not all older men are 'mature') but I also find them much more physically attractive than men my age. Literally just a preference, like some guys prefer blondes or whatever.
Op I'm around your age and prefer younger men they have fresher attitudes and less baggage than older men. I think the younger the better within reason lol
Reply 6
Original post by karl pilkington
If you are young and attractive it will be easy to this type of guy. However you seem naive to think younger guys are not kind and altruistic we are maybe just because we do not show it on the outside doesn't mean it isn't there.


lets be real most of us aren't lol
While I read this I wondered if the lecturer's wife thought him to be so perfect. Honestly, I'm not trying to be harsh but you have to release that perfect man ideology. That perfect man simply doesn't exist and while everyone says, "oh of course I know there is not perfect man" you'd be surprised by the number of girls/women who say that and then keep looking for that perfect one. No you shouldn't have to settle but I don't think you'd find many, if any, married couples whose spouse literally had no flaws and checked off every box they were looking for in a spouse. When you have such set expectations you limit your pool tremendously and may not meet that perfect match for you because he came in a different package than what you expected. I have a dear friend who does this...she wants a mature acting, intelligent, film loving, deep conversation kind of a guy but recently this very athletic (and handsome), beer drinking, likes to go out with his friends guy was very interested in her. He was also kind and considerate, wanted to be interested in the films she enjoys, was willing to have deep conversations etc. and wanted to spend lots of time with her (not going out with the guys); but he didn't quite fit the intellect look she pictures herself with. I wonder if this guy might have been really good to and with her. She never gave him a chance for her to see him beyond the stereotype. Perhaps they would have loved the same films, enjoyed long conversations etc. but she couldn't get passed that he was an athlete (so therefore must be a lad) and never gave him a chance. That is really too bad. Maybe he wasn't the guy for her.... but maybe he could have been if she'd been open to actually getting to know him. He didn't fit the picture she had in head. Like I said he might have been the right guy just in the wrong package.

I hate to see you limit yourself. Yes, you might run into a lot of immature guys but perhaps one of those immature guys really is clever, funny, altruistic once you give him and chance and get to know him. Are you stereotyping guys you really don't even know? Just something to think about.

Good Luck!
Original post by Anonymous
I'm female and single. I've chosen to be single for about 6 years now because no one within my social/work circles fits the type of person I've been looking for and I really don't see the point in wasting mine or anyone else's time. I'm a loyal and passionate person...I don't go into things half-heartedly and basically I just didn't want to have my time wasted in my early 20's and end up getting hurt as I had in my teens, out of naivety.

Recently I started university (I left school and went straight into work). I'm from a very working class family/place and went to a poorly-performing secondary school. Bluntly: I've been surrounded by the wrong people my entire life. Now I realise why I was hesitant to enter into any romantic/sexual relationships with any guys I've met since a certain age - they just weren't within the kind of social circle that I fit into.

I've always been mature for my age and I prefer intellectual older men with a level of maturity, humour and altruism that I've only ever found in novels or TV shows...never in reality. In reality I've only ever met young guys with little in the way of kindness, intellect and maturity. Not their fault particularly, I'm sure they'll find partners to suit them - but I have chosen not to get involved. I had grown up believing that this was just the typical male of the species, and recently I've come to realise how wrong that is.

I met this guy - he's like 20-ish years older than me (a lecturer). We get on very well - we make each other laugh, he's very sharp minded and witty. He's incredibly intelligent, he's also incredibly good/kind (think healthcare professional) and he's mature in his demeanour. He is actually relatively handsome but that's something I've just thought about as I type this. I'm mostly drawn to his personality...as with any relationship, platonic or otherwise. Anyway, he's married so he's completely and utterly off limits. But meeting him has made me realise that there are actually clever, funny, altruistic guys out there....I just barely ever encounter them. I'm not a freak who can't get a date...I've just got standards that have been impossible to meet within my environment. But now I've figured out the problem....it's not men and it's not my standards...it's the environment in which I've been looking.

So...how does someone find the professor/doctor/professional type of man as an undergrad from a working class background surrounded by 18 year olds? Someone at uni said Tinder/POF....but they literally look like a joke full of horny 18-25's.

I can't be the only one...?



Type www. What's Your Price? . com
That's a dating website where you get paid up to £50 - £200 just to go on a date, men of all ages on that and a lot of older men too who are graduates and some professional types too
You have to sign up which is free or you can't see any of the men/women's pictures and profiles

www. Miss Travel . co .uk or . com
This is dating and travelling to meet anyone if you want company to go on holiday or someone to pay for your holiday for you

www. Citysocializer . co. uk
This is for friendship or dating in your own area or other areas
Oh I feel exactly the same about girls. Also, I'm exactly what you need! I'm sexy, intelligent, mature and more than you could ever possibly want in a man. We should talk! Slide into my private messages.
Original post by Anonymous
While I read this I wondered if the lecturer's wife thought him to be so perfect. Honestly, I'm not trying to be harsh but you have to release that perfect man ideology. That perfect man simply doesn't exist and while everyone says, "oh of course I know there is not perfect man" you'd be surprised by the number of girls/women who say that and then keep looking for that perfect one. No you shouldn't have to settle but I don't think you'd find many, if any, married couples whose spouse literally had no flaws and checked off every box they were looking for in a spouse. When you have such set expectations you limit your pool tremendously and may not meet that perfect match for you because he came in a different package than what you expected. I have a dear friend who does this...she wants a mature acting, intelligent, film loving, deep conversation kind of a guy but recently this very athletic (and handsome), beer drinking, likes to go out with his friends guy was very interested in her. He was also kind and considerate, wanted to be interested in the films she enjoys, was willing to have deep conversations etc. and wanted to spend lots of time with her (not going out with the guys); but he didn't quite fit the intellect look she pictures herself with. I wonder if this guy might have been really good to and with her. She never gave him a chance for her to see him beyond the stereotype. Perhaps they would have loved the same films, enjoyed long conversations etc. but she couldn't get passed that he was an athlete (so therefore must be a lad) and never gave him a chance. That is really too bad. Maybe he wasn't the guy for her.... but maybe he could have been if she'd been open to actually getting to know him. He didn't fit the picture she had in head. Like I said he might have been the right guy just in the wrong package.

I hate to see you limit yourself. Yes, you might run into a lot of immature guys but perhaps one of those immature guys really is clever, funny, altruistic once you give him and chance and get to know him. Are you stereotyping guys you really don't even know? Just something to think about.

Good Luck!


Hi, thanks for you reply. Last night I had a think about what you wrote.

I don't think lecturer guy - or any guy - is perfect. We all have our faults and whoever I end up with (if I ever do) will have quirks/qualities that maybe I will have to learn to adapt to/love. But lecturer guy gave me a glimpse into a part of society/a type of person/man that I just didn't ever see within my own reality.

The men I've been surrounded by, until I went to university, were of one kind...living for the weekend, drinking/clubbing, all about getting laid, watching football etc. It's just really not my thing. I want someone with a little more...sophistication? Something of interest...something more meaningful than all of that? Someone I can talk to about politics, religion, the universe, music etc without being told I think too much or that I'm too deep...or being laughed at.

He, and some other men like him that I've met at university, fit that description. They're are the guys I've been looking for that I started to think just didn't exist or weren't available to me do to my class/background. I genuinely thought I'd end up alone the rest of my life because I just cannot 'click' with anyone within my own social class - it's not just a case of me not giving people a chance, I'm not given a chance by men within my own 'circles' because I'm not typical of the female within those circles...and I don't regret that. But now I'm realising that there is such a thing as social mobility and I'm on my way to a professional career surrounded by other professionals...I just don't want to wait until I'm a 31 yr old graduate until I get back into dating.
If you want to meet the type of people you are looking for, be the type of person they want to meet.

So, if you are looking for relatively wealthy and professional people, here are where you can pick up:

1) Volunteer at a political campaign.
2) Church. Yes, seriously.
3) Volunteer for a charitable organization.

Your chances in all three of those to meet eligible, professional, upper class men increases.
You have a very good response. Completely understandable why you'd want a different type of guy. Is there an area of the university you're more apt to find/meet grad students? Going to university as a mature student has some draw back socially because of the age difference but when you graduate this is all going to be sooo worth it!! Can you look for internships in your field of study for the summer? Have you tried a dating app? Seriously. I know people who've entered into long term relationships that way - really - and they were all in their late 20', early 30's. I know 3 couples that met and got married. Certainly doesn't work for everyone but you can at least select an age group. Maybe this isn't the time be getting into a serious relationship and a dating app would just provide the opportunity to get away from course work for a break. Yes, there are good guys out there and it does sound like you will click well with a professional. I agree with the poster who also suggested getting involved in a church or political campaign.
Original post by Anonymous
Anyway, he's married so he's completely and utterly off limits.

Someone at uni said Tinder/POF....but they literally look like a joke full of horny 18-25's.

I can't be the only one...?


I love your last description.

I;m a bit younger but mostly feel the same
Original post by ThatOldGuy
If you want to meet the type of people you are looking for, be the type of person they want to meet.

So, if you are looking for relatively wealthy and professional people, here are where you can pick up:

2) Church. Yes, seriously.


Your chances in all three of those to meet eligible, professional, upper class men increases.


sorry to invade ha, but i am feeling the same and have considered this, but im not particularly religious just believe in god....ta?
Original post by ThatOldGuy
If you want to meet the type of people you are looking for, be the type of person they want to meet.

So, if you are looking for relatively wealthy and professional people, here are where you can pick up:

1) Volunteer at a political campaign.
2) Church. Yes, seriously.
3) Volunteer for a charitable organization.

Your chances in all three of those to meet eligible, professional, upper class men increases.


Thanks for your reply. That first sentence makes a lot of sense and it's actually a really good reminder for me to look at myself too.

I'll look into some local schemes. I've done quite a bit of volunteering but my career sector is quite female dominated, so maybe I ought to branch out away from my typical career-related volunteering and try something new.


Original post by Anonymous
You have a very good response. Completely understandable why you'd want a different type of guy. Is there an area of the university you're more apt to find/meet grad students? Going to university as a mature student has some draw back socially because of the age difference but when you graduate this is all going to be sooo worth it!! Can you look for internships in your field of study for the summer? Have you tried a dating app? Seriously. I know people who've entered into long term relationships that way - really - and they were all in their late 20', early 30's. I know 3 couples that met and got married. Certainly doesn't work for everyone but you can at least select an age group. Maybe this isn't the time be getting into a serious relationship and a dating app would just provide the opportunity to get away from course work for a break. Yes, there are good guys out there and it does sound like you will click well with a professional. I agree with the poster who also suggested getting involved in a church or political campaign.


I'm going to look into some clubs/socs at uni. Even if I don't meet anyone through uni I think it would help me socially and give me an opportunity to just talk to guys and feel more comfortable around them with my new 'dating' mind-set. I think a dating app might be the best place for me to start, along with a bit of volunteering within a sector which attracts the type of men I'm looking for. Thanks for your reply.

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