Fiancee is high maintanance... and I'm worried

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#1
Im an established male in my late 20's and I've met a girl who I've known for a year and we are getting married in the summer and are in love.

We met through parents, via arranged marriage basically and we hit it off pretty well and talked for about 6 months before deciding we would get married.

We are both working professionals.

We think alike on most things but one major thing that is different between us is how we think about money. She has grown up getting most things she wanted, her family is fairly well off and she is very much into her designer bags, shoes, make up and so on. Most of her shoes are £400-800 designer ones and her bags are even more. This scares me as my most expensive shoe is £100.

I however prefer to save rather than spend, but will spend on things only IF there is a good deal or in a sale. She also likes a good deal but is happy to pay several hundreds for things as she says she likes "nice things".

We had a major fight about this a few months ago but managed to resolve it and come to a compromise. She says she will pay for her own things and wouldn't expect me to buy her these things and would also contribute to the mortgage etc. However she says she can't save any money this year as all her money is going towards the wedding. She thinks she will save after marriage.

We went shopping the other day and she bought quite a few things costing a few hundred(things she probably didn't need), and it started making me really anxious about the future. I think she is also anxious about the way i think about money.

I do really like the girl, she seems reasonable and not arrogant/stuckup or show-offy but this designer lifestyle worries me although I do understand some girls are like this.

I want to support my partners interests but I feel like she will spend all her money all the time and be broke and we wont be able to pay for things like a nice house, kids education etc. I feel like we will fight about this in the future and it could be bad for our relationship. How do I stop feeling anxious? How do I get used to this? What can I do about this? I am anxious about approaching her with this issue as we have previously clashed over it and I don't want to ruin the good vibes we have currently.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Im an established male in my late 20's and I've met a girl who I've known for a year and we are getting married in the summer and are in love.

We met through parents, via arranged marriage basically and we hit it off pretty well and talked for about 6 months before deciding we would get married.

We are both working professionals.

We think alike on most things but one major thing that is different between us is how we think about money. She has grown up getting most things she wanted, her family is fairly well off and she is very much into her designer bags, shoes, make up and so on. Most of her shoes are £400-800 designer ones and her bags are even more. This scares me as my most expensive shoe is £100.

I however prefer to save rather than spend, but will spend on things only IF there is a good deal or in a sale. She also likes a good deal but is happy to pay several hundreds for things as she says she likes "nice things".

We had a major fight about this a few months ago but managed to resolve it and come to a compromise. She says she will pay for her own things and wouldn't expect me to buy her these things and would also contribute to the mortgage etc. However she says she can't save any money this year as all her money is going towards the wedding. She thinks she will save after marriage.

We went shopping the other day and she bought quite a few things costing a few hundred(things she probably didn't need), and it started making me really anxious about the future. I think she is also anxious about the way i think about money.

I do really like the girl, she seems reasonable and not arrogant/stuckup or show-offy but this designer lifestyle worries me although I do understand some girls are like this.

I want to support my partners interests but I feel like she will spend all her money all the time and be broke and we wont be able to pay for things like a nice house, kids education etc. I feel like we will fight about this in the future and it could be bad for our relationship. How do I stop feeling anxious? How do I get used to this? What can I do about this? I am anxious about approaching her with this issue as we have previously clashed over it and I don't want to ruin the good vibes we have currently.
have you tried speaking to your family about this? If your family meets her family, they could casually start discussing what her 'future plans' are, and give her advice on how she can save money etc, it'll look as though they're just giving general life advice to her, although it's actually tailored specifically to her and her spending habits. She's not likely to clash with your family and will consider what they're saying as she is going to want to stay on good terms with them and not have them think badly about her.
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Allie4
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#3
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why is it worrying you if shes already told you she will buy her pricey stuff herself

You want her to save with you? you have no right to tell someone else what she should be doing with her money
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claireestelle
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Im an established male in my late 20's and I've met a girl who I've known for a year and we are getting married in the summer and are in love.

We met through parents, via arranged marriage basically and we hit it off pretty well and talked for about 6 months before deciding we would get married.

We are both working professionals.

We think alike on most things but one major thing that is different between us is how we think about money. She has grown up getting most things she wanted, her family is fairly well off and she is very much into her designer bags, shoes, make up and so on. Most of her shoes are £400-800 designer ones and her bags are even more. This scares me as my most expensive shoe is £100.

I however prefer to save rather than spend, but will spend on things only IF there is a good deal or in a sale. She also likes a good deal but is happy to pay several hundreds for things as she says she likes "nice things".

We had a major fight about this a few months ago but managed to resolve it and come to a compromise. She says she will pay for her own things and wouldn't expect me to buy her these things and would also contribute to the mortgage etc. However she says she can't save any money this year as all her money is going towards the wedding. She thinks she will save after marriage.

We went shopping the other day and she bought quite a few things costing a few hundred(things she probably didn't need), and it started making me really anxious about the future. I think she is also anxious about the way i think about money.

I do really like the girl, she seems reasonable and not arrogant/stuckup or show-offy but this designer lifestyle worries me although I do understand some girls are like this.

I want to support my partners interests but I feel like she will spend all her money all the time and be broke and we wont be able to pay for things like a nice house, kids education etc. I feel like we will fight about this in the future and it could be bad for our relationship. How do I stop feeling anxious? How do I get used to this? What can I do about this? I am anxious about approaching her with this issue as we have previously clashed over it and I don't want to ruin the good vibes we have currently.
If you don't tackle issue this now then it will only get worse when you re married. I don't really have a good understanding of arranged marriage but before getting married you should try to be on the same page for key thing and future plans, for example if you re having kids, she d go on maternity leave at some point so then she can't spend her own money on nice things as the money just won't be there, what happens then for example?
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username1339858_
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Reach a compromise.
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Nerry
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I don't really see what the problem is here, you're annoyed that she likes spending her own money on her own stuff?
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Reue
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Keep your money separate. Both put in an equal amount for living expenses.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)

I want to support my partners interests but I feel like she will spend all her money all the time and be broke and we wont be able to pay for things like a nice house, kids education etc.
But she already said she was going to contribute towards the mortgage and stuff meaning she's already got a grasp on reality. Not everybody needs to save, some people can live paycheck and paycheck. And women are not as dumb as men like to think, especially not established women. She knows that she will have more important stuff to pay for after marriage so I'm sure she'll have enough set aside for everything. Some for the bills, some for her kids and some for herself. So the only way to get over your worries is to talk to yourself (as in reassure yourself that it won't be as bad as you think) and also talk to her, let her know what your plans are for the future, what you'd like and what you won't like.

You also need to remember that motherhood changes a woman, the only reason why she's treating herself to a lot of stuff now is because she can and this is the right time. She won't be able to pull off wearing designer clothes when she's middle aged, she won't have much energy or even interest when she's running after several kids. Just let her live for the present rather than worry about the future.
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lilymoran
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Well it sounds as if reality is intruding on the world of 'love' - though I have my doubts about either of you understanding what you are about if you have got so far along the road to matrimony before knowing much / enough about each other. It sounds more like mutual sexual attraction than love. If she were in love with you , she would be taking this a lot more seriously and would be horrified about upsetting you.

You two must either come to a definite agreement about money before the wedding or call the whole thing off.

It seems to me as though she has not yet grown up. You don't say how old she is. Has she ever had to manage money at all? has she lived on her own and had to budget for rent , food etc.? if not then it may be that she is very inexperienced in the ways of the world and is likely to be very stressed and petulant if she isn't indulged any more either by herself or her family or you.

Pushing your incompatibilities under the carpet will not make them go away. You have to have a long and very serious discussion with her about it. Money problems are one of the major causes of marriage breakdown so you must not get married until you have resolved this issue. Discuss with her the importance of saving for eg a home, your children, education, for a nest egg to tide you over a possible pregnancy, bout of illness , future responsibilities towards your parents etc. She needs to show you that she takes this all seriously.

It may be that she is truly saving a lot towards the wedding in which case she is showing her commitment and trustworthiness. If however she says she is but in reality she isn't then you have proof that she is very immature and irresponsible. Don't put yourself in the position of not being able to respect your partner in life. Explain to her that you think you would both be made very unhappy if you tied yourselves to another person who fundamentally has a different attitude to life, that you would make her very unhappy and you don't want to do that. Explain that you will both tell your parents that you have mutually agreed to part. You may have to shoulder many expenses for the non existent wedding but so be it.

Examine what you say you like about her ;
she seems ' reasonable' - no she doesn't at all if she can't control her spending. ( reasonable sounds a very lukewarm comment to make about someone you purport to love to me.)
' not stuck up . show offy' - heavens buying shoes/ bags costing hundreds is not show offy!

If you are feeling anxious about all this now you will be a hundred times more anxious after the wedding if you have not solved the problem. However difficult, embarrassing it seems to break off the relationship now, it will be a hundred times more so after you have wed, have children . You really don't have the right to marry someone in such an irresponsible way because the failure of the marriage will impact on you, your wife, your children etc. Either one of you may eventually have to leave the relationship or worse one or both of you will feel forced to stay, unhappy and in despair, unable to have a meaningful relationship ever in your life.
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999tigger
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#10
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#10
Its a legitimate issue and one which is a very common reason for divorce. You both need to talk about it before you commit.


4 accounts imo yours, hers, joint one and a savings one for the marriage. Agree an amount that goes into the marriage and joint account.
Agree what things the joint account can be used for. Your own accounts then should spend on what you like. If you cant manage that, then dont marry.
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Nerry
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(Original post by pickup)
Well it sounds as if reality is intruding on the world of 'love' - though I have my doubts about either of you understanding what you are about if you have got so far along the road to matrimony before knowing much / enough about each other. It sounds more like mutual sexual attraction than love. If she were in love with you , she would be taking this a lot more seriously and would be horrified about upsetting you.
Obviously missed the part where he said its an arranged marriage...
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Anonymous #1
#12
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thanks for the replies so far. I am going to talk to her about this face to face, and hopefully come to some sort of understanding.
She's used to expensive presents and I feel under pressure to get her an expensive gift for the wedding
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