Arguments in Relationships

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ringlet
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#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#1
Hi guys,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. (I'm 24 and he's 31) we have the best relationship, and rarely argue.
However, when we do argue I'm of the mindset of needing to talk things through and resolve the issues. He would rather ignore the argument until it's swept under the carpet and we can be normal again. This makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Is this something that we can work together to fix? Or does it mean, ultimately, that we are incompatible?

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be appreciated.
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999tigger
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#2
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#2
(Original post by amylouisenic)
Hi guys,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. (I'm 24 and he's 31) we have the best relationship, and rarely argue.
However, when we do argue I'm of the mindset of needing to talk things through and resolve the issues. He would rather ignore the argument until it's swept under the carpet and we can be normal again. This makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Is this something that we can work together to fix? Or does it mean, ultimately, that we are incompatible?

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be appreciated.
Why not agree some rules on how to solve your disputes. he is probably averse to conflict but he should be to enough to realise that failing to resolve and sticking your head in the ground just means things fester and remain unresolved.

Tell him you realise you resolve things in different ways, but its currently poor an makes you feel less respected or that he doesnt value your opinion or how you feel. That makes you feel unhappy.

Maybe have a talk once a fortnight just to discuss things? Its fixable, but he has to listen.
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sheffycat_x
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I'm sure it's not because he doesn't care, especially if you say your relationship is great otherwise. Sometimes people (often men), find communication more difficult. If it works and you get over the arguments quickly, I don't think you have too much to worry about. It's only really if these arguments (or the unresolved issues of the arguments) keep cropping up later down the line. Things start to mount up then and arguments start to get worse.

If you're worried, have a look on the relate.org website for some useful tips/suggestions? If you think your bf might be open to it, send him a link to anything you find so that he can have a read in his own time. He may just not realise that there are potentially more effective/healthy ways of dealing with this.

Some people can't/won't change though, as it may just be his way (or preferred way) of dealing with confrontation. You may have to find some other mutually beneficial way of dealing with any disagreements.. or agree to disagree!
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ringlet
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Why not agree some rules on how to solve your disputes. he is probably averse to conflict but he should be to enough to realise that failing to resolve and sticking your head in the ground just means things fester and remain unresolved.

Tell him you realise you resolve things in different ways, but its currently poor an makes you feel less respected or that he doesnt value your opinion or how you feel. That makes you feel unhappy.

Maybe have a talk once a fortnight just to discuss things? Its fixable, but he has to listen.
Thanks for your reply.

He's just so bloody stubborn.

I just don't know. We're in an argument at the minute and it's just getting to the point where I don't feel like he wants to fight for this relationship. And I'm not sure if it's just because he doesn't want to argue and therefore isn't saying anything at all or he just doesn't care.

He has said to me before that his parents used to be at each other's throats before they divorced, and that's why he has such a bad reaction to arguing. But I can't continue with this relationship if he doesn't deal conflict better, just not sure how to make him see that.
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Owain5
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#5
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#5
(Original post by amylouisenic)
Hi guys,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. (I'm 24 and he's 31) we have the best relationship, and rarely argue.
However, when we do argue I'm of the mindset of needing to talk things through and resolve the issues. He would rather ignore the argument until it's swept under the carpet and we can be normal again. This makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Is this something that we can work together to fix? Or does it mean, ultimately, that we are incompatible?

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be appreciated.
Arguments are normal in a relationship. Anyone expecting a relationship with no arguments is expecting something unrealistic.

That is how some guys deal with arguments, the question isn't if you can't handle the guy, the question is can you handle a relationship
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ringlet
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#6
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#6
(Original post by sheffycat_x)
I'm sure it's not because he doesn't care, especially if you say your relationship is great otherwise. Sometimes people (often men), find communication more difficult. If it works and you get over the arguments quickly, I don't think you have too much to worry about. It's only really if these arguments (or the unresolved issues of the arguments) keep cropping up later down the line. Things start to mount up then and arguments start to get worse.

If you're worried, have a look on the relate.org website for some useful tips/suggestions? If you think your bf might be open to it, send him a link to anything you find so that he can have a read in his own time. He may just not realise that there are potentially more effective/healthy ways of dealing with this.

Some people can't/won't change though, as it may just be his way (or preferred way) of dealing with confrontation. You may have to find some other mutually beneficial way of dealing with any disagreements.. or agree to disagree!
Thanks for your reply!

Yeah our relationship is great, but in an argument you would feel that the he, instead of getting so angry at the fact he's in an argument at all, would remember that they love you and try and deal with it in a sensible way?? Maybe I am just wishful thinking, because all I see when I tell him he's upset me about something is anger - because he's having to deal with conflict. And in turn that upsets me more!

I just feel if he doesn't change the way he deals with this, or we don't find a way to deal with things together then maybe we're incompatible??
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ringlet
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#7
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(Original post by Owain5)
Arguments are normal in a relationship. Anyone expecting a relationship with no arguments is expecting something unrealistic.

That is how some guys deal with arguments, the question isn't if you can't handle the guy, the question is can you handle a relationship
I would never expect a relationship without arguments.

I just expect him to handle them in a way that doesn't make them worse? Because that's all that misdirected anger does.
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999tigger
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(Original post by amylouisenic)
Thanks for your reply.

He's just so bloody stubborn.

I just don't know. We're in an argument at the minute and it's just getting to the point where I don't feel like he wants to fight for this relationship. And I'm not sure if it's just because he doesn't want to argue and therefore isn't saying anything at all or he just doesn't care.

He has said to me before that his parents used to be at each other's throats before they divorced, and that's why he has such a bad reaction to arguing. But I can't continue with this relationship if he doesn't deal conflict better, just not sure how to make him see that.
Then you have to tell him he is being selfish and that simply discussing and resolving something together rather than be in denial is far more beneficial. its also something you need and will make you stronger. Sticking your head in the ground doesnt solve things. just tell him straight or sit him down and get him to listen or write him a letter. Its obviously a big thing for you and imo its reasonable to want to have a compromise. If he wont listen then make your own mind up but sounds selfish.
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shadowdweller
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(Original post by amylouisenic)
Hi guys,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. (I'm 24 and he's 31) we have the best relationship, and rarely argue.
However, when we do argue I'm of the mindset of needing to talk things through and resolve the issues. He would rather ignore the argument until it's swept under the carpet and we can be normal again. This makes me feel like he doesn't care.
Is this something that we can work together to fix? Or does it mean, ultimately, that we are incompatible?

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be appreciated.
Is it possible you could find a bit of a medium, perhaps? So not talking it through for an extended period of time, but still discussing it in part? I don't think it means you;re incompatible, but it's also something that will be difficult on both of you if it carries on. Have you had a proper chat about why he acts like that, when you're not in the midst of an argument?
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ringlet
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Then you have to tell him he is being selfish and that simply discussing and resolving something together rather than be in denial is far more beneficial. its also something you need and will make you stronger. Sticking your head in the ground doesnt solve things. just tell him straight or sit him down and get him to listen or write him a letter. Its obviously a big thing for you and imo its reasonable to want to have a compromise. If he wont listen then make your own mind up but sounds selfish.
Yeah exactly. Some people have said "Oh that's just how men deal with things!", but I don't agree. It's not normal to avoid conflict so much that you end up making the original argument a million times worse!

Yeah it is a big thing for me, cos I hate arguing to but I want to fix things rather than pretend they're fine when they're not.
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ringlet
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(Original post by shadowdweller)
Is it possible you could find a bit of a medium, perhaps? So not talking it through for an extended period of time, but still discussing it in part? I don't think it means you;re incompatible, but it's also something that will be difficult on both of you if it carries on. Have you had a proper chat about why he acts like that, when you're not in the midst of an argument?
Yeah I think we'll have to try and do that.

Yeah I have, and he's said it's because when he was younger he would experience his parents at eachother's throats, and they eventually divorced. So I see why he has a bad reaction to it, but it needs to be worked on. Because I deal with it differently, and can't just leave things when we've fallen out.
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999tigger
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#12
(Original post by amylouisenic)
Yeah exactly. Some people have said "Oh that's just how men deal with things!", but I don't agree. It's not normal to avoid conflict so much that you end up making the original argument a million times worse!

Yeah it is a big thing for me, cos I hate arguing to but I want to fix things rather than pretend they're fine when they're not.
Its nothing to do with gender.
Communication and compromise is key. Its such an easy and healthy thing to resolve disputes together. It requires listening. If he wont then just warn him you find it undermining. It doesnt have to be at each others throats and can make you a lot stronger. To ignore it is foolish and lazy.
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shadowdweller
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(Original post by amylouisenic)
Yeah I think we'll have to try and do that.

Yeah I have, and he's said it's because when he was younger he would experience his parents at eachother's throats, and they eventually divorced. So I see why he has a bad reaction to it, but it needs to be worked on. Because I deal with it differently, and can't just leave things when we've fallen out.
I think you'll just have to sit down and talk it through. Try and remind him that you're not his parents, and it certainly doesn't sound like you're at each other's throats, and of how good your relationship is. Make sure he understands you're wanting to keep things as good as possible between the two of you, and how much you care about him etc.

I'd also say though to not expect it to go completely the other way, you may not get to talk things through as much as your ideal, but that's okay too. You guys seem to have different ways of dealing with things, but that's totally manageable if you find a middle ground, and respect each others boundaries with it.
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ringlet
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#14
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Its nothing to do with gender.
Communication and compromise is key. Its such an easy and healthy thing to resolve disputes together. It requires listening. If he wont then just warn him you find it undermining. It doesnt have to be at each others throats and can make you a lot stronger. To ignore it is foolish and lazy.
definitely need to explain this to him, thank you.
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ringlet
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(Original post by shadowdweller)
I think you'll just have to sit down and talk it through. Try and remind him that you're not his parents, and it certainly doesn't sound like you're at each other's throats, and of how good your relationship is. Make sure he understands you're wanting to keep things as good as possible between the two of you, and how much you care about him etc.

I'd also say though to not expect it to go completely the other way, you may not get to talk things through as much as your ideal, but that's okay too. You guys seem to have different ways of dealing with things, but that's totally manageable if you find a middle ground, and respect each others boundaries with it.
I will do, thank you for your replies.
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Agatha99
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it is fine
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