The Student Room Group

Life after self harm - dealing with the fact scars are permanent

Hi,i'm a 21 year old female student and in the past i have had a history with self harm, this was mostly related to issues and stress with my weight and guilt of a eating disorder (bulimia).

The past few months have been good for me, since i entered 3rd year in October i became commited to the gym and turning my life around, i've lost the weight and basically reached my body goal and feel proud of how i look, however it's suddenly hit me lately that all this effort and work is basically for nothing.

Because of my scars i've always been scared to have a relationship or date and have little expererience when it comes to guys. I've had sex once,a one night stand in the dark, because i knew if it didn't happen then i probably would still be a virgin at nearly 22. Without seeming concieted,i am so proud of myself and what i have achieved through the gym and hard work, i love my figure but i can't enjoy it. When i see nice shorts or playsuits in Topshop it hurts me that i can never wear them as i can't ever see myself having the confidence to show my scars to the public.

My mum wants to go on holiday over the summer and she will be confused why i will not want to go to the beach or wear a bikini/swimsuit. I've had lovely guys show an interest in me recently and i get approached alot on nights out which certainly did not happen before i lost the weight, but i always make excuses or pretend that i am not looking to date as i am so scared of having to one day approach that conversation when they see me with the lights on.

Over the past week or so i've just been feeling down about all this, i have not been sticking to the gym and i'm trying to stop myself from comfort eating as i can't go back to how i was before. I don't know what to do,there is no solution other than push past it all and learn to live with it. I know people say a guy should love you for who you are, but i can understand that many people will not want to get involved with someone with a past of self harm.

I'm sorry for the long post,i just needed to get it out of my system, i'm not even too sure what i am asking. I guess how have other people learned to live with their scars/approach new relationships/tell family
Scars aren't entirely permanent, they do fade over time and I have heard that bio-oils can aid the process.
Have you considered tattoos to cover them? I've a number of friends who have done this and claim it's improved their confidence. :smile:
Original post by sinfonietta
Have you considered tattoos to cover them? I've a number of friends who have done this and claim it's improved their confidence. :smile:


Would also like to second this; I did it, and actually it stops you wanting to keep doing it as well to preserve the image :smile:
Seriously, don't worry about the scars when it comes to guys. (Hard in practise, I know). If they're that concerned with something so far in the past would you actually wanna interact with them anyway?

Most of the people - including guys - that have seen mine have not commented or been very supportive. Mental health awareness/acceptance is increasing so try to feel confident regardless of past setbacks. You obviously worked hard for your figure so deserve to be proud of it.

Scars do fade, and bio-oils/sudocrem help. Also there's heavy-duty foundation you can get - I think they might make one specifically for covering tattoos?
Have you considered getting your scars removed with a laser? I had 3 sessions with mine and although the guy didn't go over all of them, the sections he did look a lot flatter and less obvious even after so few sessions (I live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and this dermatologist closed hence why I didn't continue with the sessions, although I would have liked to). You might be able to get it done on the NHS, I don't know, that would be something to bring up with your doc. Are you sure you've stopped and won't do it again? In which case a tattoo might work as has been suggested. Bio old, vitamin E cream, or special scar serums can all help to reduce their appearance too.


FWIW, I'm happily married despite having hundreds of s/h scars. My wife obviously isn't happy about them but she's understanding enough to support me regardless. In fact it was her who paid for the laser removal for me. A good man will be supportive of you and if a guy isn't supportive and judges you is that really the kind of guy you want to be with? Btw, huge well done on losing weight and getting a body you feel happier with. :smile:
They will get much better over time and using bio oil/vit E can help with the appearance a lot. My personal tip is to try and have scars on view early on without saying too much about it... this prevents you feeling like there's going to a 'big reveal'. Obviously this only works if you have scars somewhere it's easy to show them like your arms/lower legs. It's nerve wracking but generally most people will notice they're not too recent and if you act like it's not a big deal then hopefully they won't treat it as a big deal and you can have that conversation when you're good and ready. It also is unlikely to come as a shock if there is more scars under your clothes elsewhere. Occasionally you get someone (usually a small child) who makes a comment but it's usually innocent and (especially to kids) you don't need to give a real explanation.

Honestly it will feel horrible at first but you get used it and realise that most people just don't care.
Reply 7
Thank you for all the replies, i have considered and am looking into a tattoo once the scars fade slightly more :redface:. I use bio oil (which hopefully is working) but know will never be competley gone.I think for me,especially as summer comes around,i need to slowly work my way up to not caring what people think and wear what i want. Is just the idea of telling/showing family which i need to prepare for.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,i'm a 21 year old female student and in the past i have had a history with self harm, this was mostly related to issues and stress with my weight and guilt of a eating disorder (bulimia).

The past few months have been good for me, since i entered 3rd year in October i became commited to the gym and turning my life around, i've lost the weight and basically reached my body goal and feel proud of how i look, however it's suddenly hit me lately that all this effort and work is basically for nothing.

Because of my scars i've always been scared to have a relationship or date and have little expererience when it comes to guys. I've had sex once,a one night stand in the dark, because i knew if it didn't happen then i probably would still be a virgin at nearly 22. Without seeming concieted,i am so proud of myself and what i have achieved through the gym and hard work, i love my figure but i can't enjoy it. When i see nice shorts or playsuits in Topshop it hurts me that i can never wear them as i can't ever see myself having the confidence to show my scars to the public.

My mum wants to go on holiday over the summer and she will be confused why i will not want to go to the beach or wear a bikini/swimsuit. I've had lovely guys show an interest in me recently and i get approached alot on nights out which certainly did not happen before i lost the weight, but i always make excuses or pretend that i am not looking to date as i am so scared of having to one day approach that conversation when they see me with the lights on.

Over the past week or so i've just been feeling down about all this, i have not been sticking to the gym and i'm trying to stop myself from comfort eating as i can't go back to how i was before. I don't know what to do,there is no solution other than push past it all and learn to live with it. I know people say a guy should love you for who you are, but i can understand that many people will not want to get involved with someone with a past of self harm.

I'm sorry for the long post,i just needed to get it out of my system, i'm not even too sure what i am asking. I guess how have other people learned to live with their scars/approach new relationships/tell family


No idea how bad the scars are but probably much less than you think.
You should contact or research what the self harm charities have to say.Many others will have dealt with the issue.

You can ofc cover up, but take dating slowly.You arent your scars.If you fin the right person they will acpet them as part of you and it will be fine.If not then they werent worth knowing anyway. Well done on losing the weight.

https://www.selfharm.co.uk/get/facts/dealing_with_scars
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for all the replies, i have considered and am looking into a tattoo once the scars fade slightly more :redface:. I use bio oil (which hopefully is working) but know will never be competley gone.I think for me,especially as summer comes around,i need to slowly work my way up to not caring what people think and wear what i want. Is just the idea of telling/showing family which i need to prepare for.


If you decide you don't want a "proper" tattoo, either because the area is too big or it's just not you, you can have ink tattooed into the scars to bring the color closer to the surrounding skin. They would need to be pretty old nad as healed as they're going to get for this but it might be something to consider. It's good you're using bio-oil, I hope that helps fade them for you.
Honestly, the right person won't judge you for having SH scars. If you enter a relationship with someone and they turn out to be ~disgusted~ with your scars, they're not worthy of your time. Same goes for anyone else.
I have quite a few small scars in very visible places. I've actually grown to like them (had them since I was young).
I had a similar problem (anorexia) when I was at school and I also have huge stretch marks as I gained weight quite quickly around age 17. Not only did I go from a bmi like 13- about 21 but also hit puberty fairly late.
When I got together with my friend (bf of 4 yrs now) he already knew about my problems as he was one of the friend helping me through. The problem was entirely with me, he didn't care one jot. The only problem was me pushing him away and feeling self conscious. Slowly feeling more comfortable, being open and honest and talking about how I feel and actually letting him say how feels too and listening helped immensely.

As for being confident in myself; that took time. Slowly going from swimming in the local pool with a costume covering my legs to a normal swimming costume to going to the beach near me in England (I know I could leave when I wanted) to thenhaving lots of sarong type things on holiday to finally wearing a bikini and realising no one actually cares!! (that was a big moment for me lol)

remember you aren't the only one feeling like that, happiness comes from you and in your own time x
Bio oil works I've heard
Also well done for staying strong <3
Lots of females in therapy have self harm scars. And boyfriends. I have neither lol.
If you find someone who genuinely cares about you, the scars do not matter. I broached the subject early on with my fiance and she supports me 100%, and just took it in her stride.

Don't let it get you down, there's no need. If it is a problem for anyone you meet then they are not for you long term. Just my 2p
Reply 16
Be proud of what you have achieved and managed to overcome. Every body has scars both mental and physical that show they have weathered the trials and tribulations of life and have has the power and perseverance to overcome what life has thrown at them. Be proud of how you look now what you have achieved and the strength and self awareness you have gained in getting to where you are now. The scars are part of you and you are fantastic.GO girl xxx
Reply 17
you have to come to the point not to care what any one thinks embrace ur scars and continue doing the right things for you the person will accept you for you.. keep shining and loving you
I have a car on my stomach (not through self harm) and i am very self consious of this but I would never judge a person because of their scars, I would be more interested in trying to make them so happy they would not want to revert back to harming themselves

Quick Reply