miraxuloz
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Hey guys! I wrote this introduction to the question 'To what extent does Shakespeare present Romeo as a tragic hero?' Please could you tell me what to improve on. This is just the intro...

Shakespeare presents Romeo in his play 'Romeo and Juliet' in three different ways. At the beggining, Shakespeare mocks the courtly lover tradition when he is in love with the mysterious Rosaline- but his love is challenged when he soon meets Juliet and falls in love with her - almost immediately.Throughout the course of the play he is seen as an aggrressive fighter, defending his friends honour but that soon changes at the end of the play where he is strongly presented as a tragic hero, making his downfall even more catartic for the audience.
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username2981082
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(Original post by miraxuloz)
Hey guys! I wrote this introduction to the question 'To what extent does Shakespeare present Romeo as a tragic hero?' Please could you tell me what to improve on. This is just the intro...

Shakespeare presents Romeo in his play 'Romeo and Juliet' in three different ways. At the beggining, Shakespeare mocks the courtly lover tradition when he is in love with the mysterious Rosaline- but his love is challenged when he soon meets Juliet and falls in love with her - almost immediately.Throughout the course of the play he is seen as an aggrressive fighter, defending his friends honour but that soon changes at the end of the play where he is strongly presented as a tragic hero, making his downfall even more catartic for the audience.
1. You do not need to say 'his play.' Everyone knows Romeo and Juliet is written by Shakespeare. Also you do not need to write the name of the play either as the marker will know which play you are talking about. Shakespeare has only one play that uses the name Romeo

2.Beginning is spelt with two n's not two g's. You have not made it clear enough that what you are saying are the three ideas you initially mentioned. Using more punctuation like the colon will make your ideas easier to follow. Remember, colons can be used when you are writing a list of things.

3. How is Romeo's love for Rosalind and Juliet relevant to his aggressive nature? The sentences do not flow well into each other. Also don't call Rosalind mysterious as it sounds like you are suggesting Rosalind is a main character when she is not.

4. Romeo's love for Rosalind isn't challenged by Juliet. He just dumps Rosalind and goes after Juliet.

Here is what would be a better thing to write.

'Shakespeare presents Romeo as a tragic hero by making him an aggressive fighter, defending his friend's honour but with fatal consequences. This makes his downfall even more cathartic for the audience.'

I got rid of your first section because it was not relevant to your main argument. I moved your last bit to being the opening sentence because the marker will see straight away you are linking your argument back to the question. Your main idea was really good and interesting. Put it at the beginning so your reader can see that.

Your intro should not be a summary of the play's plot. It should just state what you'll be arguing. Short and snappy makes a good intro.
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miraxuloz
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(Original post by constantine2016)
1. You do not need to say 'his play.' Everyone knows Romeo and Juliet is written by Shakespeare. Also you do not need to write the name of the play either as the marker will know which play you are talking about. Shakespeare has only one play that uses the name Romeo

2.Beginning is spelt with two n's not two g's. You have not made it clear enough that what you are saying are the three ideas you initially mentioned. Using more punctuation like the colon will make your ideas easier to follow. Remember, colons can be used when you are writing a list of things.

3. How is Romeo's love for Rosalind and Juliet relevant to his aggressive nature? The sentences do not flow well into each other. Also don't call Rosalind mysterious as it sounds like you are suggesting Rosalind is a main character when she is not.

4. Romeo's love for Rosalind isn't challenged by Juliet. He just dumps Rosalind and goes after Juliet.

Here is what would be a better thing to write.

'Shakespeare presents Romeo as a tragic hero by making him an aggressive fighter, defending his friend's honour but with fatal consequences. This makes his downfall even more cathartic for the audience.'

I got rid of your first section because it was not relevant to your main argument. I moved your last bit to being the opening sentence because the marker will see straight away you are linking your argument back to the question. Your main idea was really good and interesting. Put it at the beginning so your reader can see that.

Your intro should not be a summary of the play's plot. It should just state what you'll be arguing. Short and snappy makes a good intro.
Thanks your feedback actually helped on my exam.
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username2981082
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(Original post by miraxuloz)
Thanks your feedback actually helped on my exam.
Glad to help. Good luck on your exams.
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