A2 History: "Needs more depth"? What?

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LawAndJustice
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Hi all,
I've written a few practice essays for my A2 History exam (Edexcel British Warfare), and my teacher repeatedly mentions that the structure organization and argument is clear, but "it needs more depth". I've used dates and stats and historiography. What else does he mean?

Here's one of my essays in the post below, let me know how you think I could Improve it.

I'd be very very thankful. Thanks a lot, L/A/J
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LawAndJustice
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Here's the essay I mentioned
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ageshallnot
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Hi all,
I've written a few practice essays for my A2 History exam (Edexcel British Warfare), and my teacher repeatedly mentions that the structure organization and argument is clear, but "it needs more depth". I've used dates and stats and historiography. What else does he mean?

Here's one of my essays in the post below, let me know how you think I could Improve it.

I'd be very very thankful. Thanks a lot, L/A/J
Initial thoughts...

What constitutes success in this context? Aims? For whom? Short term or long? Who won the war? Just Britain? Who did best militarily? Politically?

Just a single historian?




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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by ageshallnot)
Initial thoughts...

What constitutes success in this context? Aims? For whom? Short term or long? Who won the war? Just Britain? Who did best militarily? Politically?

Just a single historian?




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Success and it's extent in different areas. Britain won the war, but other factors play a part... etc.

Yes I only used one historian for this one in particular. Take a look at this pdf to see it if you want to.
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ageshallnot
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Success and it's extent in different areas. Britain won the war, but other factors play a part... etc.

Yes I only used one historian for this one in particular. Take a look at this pdf to see it if you want to.
I have read it, hence my comments.

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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by ageshallnot)
I have read it, hence my comments.

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Right, so it seems the essay is lacking in several areas. Could you maybe elaborate just a bit more on the things you have mentioned? Thanks a lot, ageshallnot!
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ageshallnot
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Right, so it seems the essay is lacking in several areas. Could you maybe elaborate just a bit more on the things you have mentioned? Thanks a lot, ageshallnot!
The question asks to what extent Britain was successful in the Crimean War. A meaningful answer should tackle the concept of success. What would define it? What were Britain's aims and we're they achieved? Did they last? What about in comparison with the other beligerents? Etc

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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by ageshallnot)
The question asks to what extent Britain was successful in the Crimean War. A meaningful answer should tackle the concept of success. What would define it? What were Britain's aims and we're they achieved? Did they last? What about in comparison with the other beligerents? Etc

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Great, so to sum it up in bullet points, the conlusion as I understand is:

- The meaning of success in the context at hand
- Britain's aims in the context (originally to fight on the side of the ottoman empire)
- Changes the crimean war led to - positive and negative ones
- aims of other parties and comparison of the extent of success of British to those
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ageshallnot
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Great, so to sum it up in bullet points, the conlusion as I understand is:

- The meaning of success in the context at hand
- Britain's aims in the context (originally to fight on the side of the ottoman empire)
- Changes the crimean war led to - positive and negative ones
- aims of other parties and comparison of the extent of success of British to those
My suggestions weren't prescriptive, but aimed at focusing you on that important element in the question.

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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by ageshallnot)
My suggestions weren't prescriptive, but aimed at focusing you on that important element in the question.

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Thank you ageshallnot for your help!
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transient life
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Are any of you doing Historiography or source based papers for A-level?

Or any of the following topics:
Liberalism and Nationalism of Italy and Germany
French Revolution
Industrial Revolution and it's effect in France, Germany and Britain
Historiography of the Holocaust
Hitler & Mussolini
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FrenchNerd2
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Oh my god this is literally me - the British Warfare paper is the bane of my existence and my teacher always moans on about having in depth analysis without properly explaining what it means. Wish I could help more :/
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FrenchNerd2
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(Original post by transient life)
Are any of you doing Historiography or source based papers for A-level?

Or any of the following topics:
Liberalism and Nationalism of Italy and Germany
French Revolution
Industrial Revolution and it's effect in France, Germany and Britain
Historiography of the Holocaust
Hitler & Mussolini
I cover Hitler and Mussolini under my first year papers (Germany 1918-89, Italy c1911-46) and all my papers cover at least one question of source or one question of historiography (the one we do is historiography of Hitler's Foreign Policy). Anything in particular you'd like to know about them?
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ageshallnot
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Thank you ageshallnot for your help!
Have a look at the stickied thread in this section on how to write a killer essay.

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walkonby
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Hi all,
I've written a few practice essays for my A2 History exam (Edexcel British Warfare), and my teacher repeatedly mentions that the structure organization and argument is clear, but "it needs more depth". I've used dates and stats and historiography. What else does he mean?

Here's one of my essays in the post below, let me know how you think I could Improve it.

I'd be very very thankful. Thanks a lot, L/A/J
Is this for edexcel? If so the exam is split into breadth and depth essays.

The breadth essays you have to show evidence spanning across the time period e.g. 1763 - 1914 to show that you understand the unit in breadth.

The depth essays often ask you to look into a smaller time period e.g. What impact did immigration in the 1920s have on US Foreign Policy? And then you would have to give lots of indepth evidence for that decade as opposed to the whole time period you've studied.

However for both types of essay you still have to show depth AND breadth, it just depends what the emphasis is on in that part of the exam.

I haven't read your essay since it won't load on my phone, but from the sounds of it your evidence is too broad and your teacher wants evidence which is more indepth and focused, and analysed in depth too.

Depth is basically showing a detailed knowledge, breadth is showing an understanding of the entire time period you've studied.
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transient life
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(Original post by FrenchNerd2)
I cover Hitler and Mussolini under my first year papers (Germany 1918-89, Italy c1911-46) and all my papers cover at least one question of source or one question of historiography (the one we do is historiography of Hitler's Foreign Policy). Anything in particular you'd like to know about them?
My A2 Paper 4 is an in-depth study on Hitler and Mussolini - I was wondering if you have notes you can share on them? In particular anything on the following topics would really be helpful:
http://imgur.com/a/tbdQl

Also what do you think is most important when it comes to answering source based questions and questions on historiography?
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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by walkonby)
Is this for edexcel? If so the exam is split into breadth and depth essays.

The breadth essays you have to show evidence spanning across the time period e.g. 1763 - 1914 to show that you understand the unit in breadth.

The depth essays often ask you to look into a smaller time period e.g. What impact did immigration in the 1920s have on US Foreign Policy? And then you would have to give lots of indepth evidence for that decade as opposed to the whole time period you've studied.

However for both types of essay you still have to show depth AND breadth, it just depends what the emphasis is on in that part of the exam.

I haven't read your essay since it won't load on my phone, but from the sounds of it your evidence is too broad and your teacher wants evidence which is more indepth and focused, and analysed in depth too.

Depth is basically showing a detailed knowledge, breadth is showing an understanding of the entire time period you've studied.
Thanks a lot for your help. Any tips on how to learn ALL that depth in such a short time?
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walkonby
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(Original post by LawAndJustice)
Thanks a lot for your help. Any tips on how to learn ALL that depth in such a short time?
Memrise is a good website for learning key historical dates etc. Homemade flash cards are also good, especially finding someone on the same course and testing eachother to make sure you remember the info. You can get by in an essay with less "evidence" if you analyse it well.
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LawAndJustice
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(Original post by walkonby)
Memrise is a good website for learning key historical dates etc. Homemade flash cards are also good, especially finding someone on the same course and testing eachother to make sure you remember the info. You can get by in an essay with less "evidence" if you analyse it well.
You're awesome. Cheers.
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Audrey18
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(Original post by FrenchNerd2)
I cover Hitler and Mussolini under my first year papers (Germany 1918-89, Italy c1911-46) and all my papers cover at least one question of source or one question of historiography (the one we do is historiography of Hitler's Foreign Policy). Anything in particular you'd like to know about them?
can you share your school notes that cover these areas? thanks.

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