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Self-harm...need help
Hiya,
Ive recently found out a good friend of mine is self-harming. I know they have done it in the past but we didnt really know each other then,now we are very close and they really are the best friend ive ever had.
I dont really know what to do, i am the only person who knows and thats because i guessed and they confessed. If im honest im scared and very worried, keep crying over it and everything.
I want to help them but im not really sure what i can do.
There is one problem though, i live in England and they live in Ireland...so you can understand why theres not much i can do but i really am the only person they can turn to.
Really need help, they are the best thing that happened and this breaks my heart.
Ive recently found out a good friend of mine is self-harming. I know they have done it in the past but we didnt really know each other then,now we are very close and they really are the best friend ive ever had.
I dont really know what to do, i am the only person who knows and thats because i guessed and they confessed. If im honest im scared and very worried, keep crying over it and everything.
I want to help them but im not really sure what i can do.
There is one problem though, i live in England and they live in Ireland...so you can understand why theres not much i can do but i really am the only person they can turn to.
Really need help, they are the best thing that happened and this breaks my heart.
Reply 1
Just make sure that he knows you are there for him if he wants to talk about his problems etc. Encourage him to confide in somebody close? a friend or relative?
Reply 2
Do you know why they do it?
all I could suggest you do is talk to them about it - find out what triggers them off, why they do it ect ect. I know it seems like a scary conversation to have considering it distresses you so much (which is understandable as you've never experienced something like this before i presume). The reason I suggest a chat is so you can understand more about your friends behaviour an thus it makes the whole thing less distressing. After all there's nothing scarier than the unknown.
hope this helps.
all I could suggest you do is talk to them about it - find out what triggers them off, why they do it ect ect. I know it seems like a scary conversation to have considering it distresses you so much (which is understandable as you've never experienced something like this before i presume). The reason I suggest a chat is so you can understand more about your friends behaviour an thus it makes the whole thing less distressing. After all there's nothing scarier than the unknown.
hope this helps.
Reply 3
Heya,
I've been the other person in this relationship before, and I know that what I needed was the person who found out to be there for me. Don't get angry with them (not suggesting you did or are going to though!) for doing it, not telling you every time etc, just reaffirm your 'thereness' (you know what I mean!). Because you don't live near enough to just pop round, how about sending a little note every so often? It's not too intrusive but lets your friend know you're there, plus sometimes writing down things for your friend might be easier?
Don't forget to look after yourself as well. Big hugs for both of you! These might be helpful for both of you:
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm
http://www.nshn.co.uk/
Feel free to PM me at anytime if you want anything - a rant, a hug, anything xxxx
I've been the other person in this relationship before, and I know that what I needed was the person who found out to be there for me. Don't get angry with them (not suggesting you did or are going to though!) for doing it, not telling you every time etc, just reaffirm your 'thereness' (you know what I mean!). Because you don't live near enough to just pop round, how about sending a little note every so often? It's not too intrusive but lets your friend know you're there, plus sometimes writing down things for your friend might be easier?
Don't forget to look after yourself as well. Big hugs for both of you! These might be helpful for both of you:
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm
http://www.nshn.co.uk/
Feel free to PM me at anytime if you want anything - a rant, a hug, anything xxxx
Reply 4
Something that really helped me when I was having a period of severe self harm was knowing that I could call my best friend at anytime. She told me that whenever I had the 'urge' to self harm I should call her instead, any time day or night. I didn't take her up on the offer all the time - sometimes the need was too strong but it did help. Perhaps you could offer this support to your friend? 
Reply 5
I am by no means no expert, but I disagree with you blackswan. Though I do agree with you in that self harming itself is (in most cases) not going to kill you, the very act of wanting to harm yourself shows that there is something much bigger here. I do not feel that self harming is in anyway natural, and as such, the problems causing the person to self harm must be very hard to deal with. Basically, I imagine the physical self harming part of it to be more of a symptom of something much bigger- a far greater emmotional problem. Can you see where I am coming from? I hope my thoughts don't offend anyone- like I said, I am no expert.
Basically, this issue is very serious, but please don't get yourself to worked up about it. Like you said, there is only so much you can do because you are so far away from your friend. All you can really do is be there for your friend to talk to and confide in. Try concentration on positive aspects of his/her life and although you should not ignore the problem, try not to draw too much attention to it. If he/she wants to talk about it then great! But if not, don't push it- often the most important thing a person needs is a kind face (or voice over the phone
) to talk to.
Basically, this issue is very serious, but please don't get yourself to worked up about it. Like you said, there is only so much you can do because you are so far away from your friend. All you can really do is be there for your friend to talk to and confide in. Try concentration on positive aspects of his/her life and although you should not ignore the problem, try not to draw too much attention to it. If he/she wants to talk about it then great! But if not, don't push it- often the most important thing a person needs is a kind face (or voice over the phone
) to talk to.Reply 6
Hey,
I am a self harmer, but i've talked to my friends who obviously have had to dealw ith it from the other side. In fact sometimes other friends actually ask me as to what they should do cos they think i know what a self harmer wants to hear. You kind of need to fins a fine line between supporting them, but also letting them know that you are worried by the self harm. But ina non-judgemental way.
Ok i didn't explain that very well
Try and talk to your friend, obviously its difficult to talk face to face in your situation, but what about email? It would give her a chance to write down everything she feels right now. Then when you know whats she's feeling together maybe over the phone or msn you could talk through what she said. Does she know what makes her self harm? is there anything that triggers it? If so maybe you can try and set an agreement that id she feels triggered she calls you before she does anything (the point of which being hopefully talking to you when she most needs to cut, will distract her and those feelings will pass).
Just knowing there is someone you can talk to can be a massive help in itself. I'm not sure what you know about self harm but it may help you to read about it. A lot of the metal health sites have good advice for friends or family of self harmers.
Its never advisable to try and bargain with the person, or try and say "if you cut yourself again i won't talk to you ever again", and sometimes making them promise never to do it again can be just as dmamging, cos if they do do it again the feelings of self hatred they feel are going to be muliplied threefold with the guilt they feel for breaking the promise.
if you need to talk please feel free to PM me
I am a self harmer, but i've talked to my friends who obviously have had to dealw ith it from the other side. In fact sometimes other friends actually ask me as to what they should do cos they think i know what a self harmer wants to hear. You kind of need to fins a fine line between supporting them, but also letting them know that you are worried by the self harm. But ina non-judgemental way.
Ok i didn't explain that very well
Try and talk to your friend, obviously its difficult to talk face to face in your situation, but what about email? It would give her a chance to write down everything she feels right now. Then when you know whats she's feeling together maybe over the phone or msn you could talk through what she said. Does she know what makes her self harm? is there anything that triggers it? If so maybe you can try and set an agreement that id she feels triggered she calls you before she does anything (the point of which being hopefully talking to you when she most needs to cut, will distract her and those feelings will pass).Just knowing there is someone you can talk to can be a massive help in itself. I'm not sure what you know about self harm but it may help you to read about it. A lot of the metal health sites have good advice for friends or family of self harmers.
Its never advisable to try and bargain with the person, or try and say "if you cut yourself again i won't talk to you ever again", and sometimes making them promise never to do it again can be just as dmamging, cos if they do do it again the feelings of self hatred they feel are going to be muliplied threefold with the guilt they feel for breaking the promise.
if you need to talk please feel free to PM me
Reply 7
Rainygal
Something that really helped me when I was having a period of severe self harm was knowing that I could call my best friend at anytime. She told me that whenever I had the 'urge' to self harm I should call her instead, any time day or night. I didn't take her up on the offer all the time - sometimes the need was too strong but it did help. Perhaps you could offer this support to your friend?
I agree completely with this advice. Nobody in real life knows that I SH as I have difficulties talking about it for fear of people's reactions. But I have a close friend who I can phone at any time when I'm having difficulties and this has literally been a lifesaver.
The best thing that you can do for your friend, OP, is be there for them. They will probably feel isolated and find it difficult to talk but it really helps to have someone who you can trust and could talk to at any time without being judged. I hope your friend is able to recover soon.
Reply 8
Thank you very much guys.
They told me the reason is because it helps them feel they can cope. I know they havent really had anyone around for them to talk to before, they just bottle things up...and i thought all that had stopped when they started telling me things.
We chat on msn/text/email all the time and occasionally phone each other but each time they just say they just say the same thing, then turn the subject to me.
Thanks again for the advice, its been really useful.
They told me the reason is because it helps them feel they can cope. I know they havent really had anyone around for them to talk to before, they just bottle things up...and i thought all that had stopped when they started telling me things.
We chat on msn/text/email all the time and occasionally phone each other but each time they just say they just say the same thing, then turn the subject to me.
Thanks again for the advice, its been really useful.
Reply 9
Anonymous
Thank you very much guys.
they just bottle things up...and i thought all that had stopped when they started telling me things.
We chat on msn/text/email all the time and occasionally phone each other but each time they just say they just say the same thing, then turn the subject to me.
they just bottle things up...and i thought all that had stopped when they started telling me things.
We chat on msn/text/email all the time and occasionally phone each other but each time they just say they just say the same thing, then turn the subject to me.
Unfortunately, it's likely to be a while before your friend lets everything out to you, just let them know that you'll always be there to listen to as much or as little as they are ready to let out. Don't try and force the issue, otherwise it may well lead to your friend becoming defensive and closing up entirely, just keep offering your support and shoulder to cry on. PM me if you want that too
xxReply 10
They said its been going on a few weeks already.
They are trying to stop, i know they are it just hard,obviously.
I asked them about the thing a couple of you have mentioned, the asking them to ring me when they get the urge and they told me they didnt think they could 'promise' that to me.
A question- Is it 'normal' for them to keep apologising? Saying they regret telling me because its unneccesary worry etc?
They are trying to stop, i know they are it just hard,obviously.
I asked them about the thing a couple of you have mentioned, the asking them to ring me when they get the urge and they told me they didnt think they could 'promise' that to me.
A question- Is it 'normal' for them to keep apologising? Saying they regret telling me because its unneccesary worry etc?
Reply 11
Anonymous
A question- Is it 'normal' for them to keep apologising? Saying they regret telling me because its unneccesary worry etc?
I guess. Your friend might be feeling that they are a burden to you. I know I always apologise when I speak to my friends or even ask for help on here because I feel that I am being a burden. The best thing you can do is just be there and let them know that you do care and are wanting to help them.
Hope that helps.
Reply 12
blackswan
....but the people who cut get a gut full. It's bull**** and unfair. I say do whatever works for you!...
I'll probably get slapped for being so blunt, and i'm sorry, but... that is the stupidest thing i have heard. Of course there is a lot wrong with it. "Self-harm" is just that; harmful. Yes they should get a 'gut full' just not in a direct manner. I do hope people don't read your 'advice' and feel it is fine for them to carry on self-harming without seeking help.
...(apart from the risk of getting over excited and popping a vein or whatever-which is rare though as most self harm not for the purpose of suicide..)...
Self-harm often will lead to suicide as an 'endgame' coping strategy. As Lewkah said, self-harm is not a diagnosis, but a symptom. The cause can be either psychological or psychiatric. In teenagers these days, it is most likely a psychological cause that is best treated with therapy. Therapy can take the form of two friends talking, it doesn't have to be with a healthcare professional. Psychiatric problems are usually depression, bipolar, anxiety etc, and to some extent, schizophrenia. Generally speaking, there is usually some family history. The only way a psychiatric illness will get resolved is by seeing a psychiatrist. Therapy from friends may help, but the illness will most likely reccur. As any doctor will tell you, it is best to treat the cause and not the symptom where possible.
Interestingly enough, at the psychiatric hospital i work at, they have recently started trialling controlled self-harm for those with a psychiatric illness. By controlled, i mean using ice cubes, or an elastic band to flick themselves with - things that won't cause any bodily damage - razor blades are a no-go. The reason they do this is that it's widely excepted self-harm is a coping strategy. Some people lack the necessary experience to cope in any other way. It helps some of the patients to come to terms with their recently diagnosed psychiatric illness. Without this release, the medication which is treating the cause of the illness would not be so effect as the patient just cannot cope or come to terms with their problems. It has had some positive results and feedback so far.
Personally, i have had three close friends who self-harmed by cutting themselves. All three started during adolescence. Two were female and one was male, so don't think it is a gender orientated 'hobby'. One friend cut because she had bipolar which lead to large periods of depression and hence the need for a 'release'. The other two were both psychological, and in some way both relating to being wanted or even needed and not wanting to feel alone. All three benefited from having a friend to talk to, discuss their feelings and worries with. Bottling up their anxieties just made them worse until it erupted with self-harm. One of my friends even ended up in hospital as she cut her arms that badly she did a lot of damage and lost a lot of blood. The best thing to do, is talk with them on their level, in their terms. Be a friendly figure and not demeaning or patronising. They will give you the information eventually in dribs-and-drabs once a trusting bond has been formed. This information can lead you to speculate and possibly even diagnose a cause for their self-harm which will allow you to help them further.
Reply 13
Instead of 'slitting wrists' and all that rubbish, it might help to hold ice cubes instead. Same pain/numb feelings but without the damage.
Reply 14
People are right, the best people to talk to CAN be your friends especially at a time when her/his feelings maybe slightly volatile and certain things can trigger of memories which can lead to self harming.
However, sometimes its not always friends who can help. I remember one of my friends sought neutral advice from soemoen who didn't know him as you know sometimes those who don't know us can't be as judgemental and can give objective advice purely on what has been told to them.
I was given this link to a blog where a team has set up a pure objective advice blog to help anyone with problems and they can remain anoymous. If your friend or you are having problems try them, I've never tried them myself but it maybe worth a shot?
its http://truevisionforum.blogspot.com
They deal with a lot of different issues, purely based on advice from their own team and others, and plus you don't need to be registered or even give your name :-)
Hope the link helps and hope some advice helps.. Good luck with it and don't give up, keep that person positive!!
Regards,
A.T
However, sometimes its not always friends who can help. I remember one of my friends sought neutral advice from soemoen who didn't know him as you know sometimes those who don't know us can't be as judgemental and can give objective advice purely on what has been told to them.
I was given this link to a blog where a team has set up a pure objective advice blog to help anyone with problems and they can remain anoymous. If your friend or you are having problems try them, I've never tried them myself but it maybe worth a shot?
its http://truevisionforum.blogspot.com
They deal with a lot of different issues, purely based on advice from their own team and others, and plus you don't need to be registered or even give your name :-)
Hope the link helps and hope some advice helps.. Good luck with it and don't give up, keep that person positive!!
Regards,
A.T
Reply 15
Apologising can be normal for some people when s/harming so don't worry. If you can, tell them it's fine if they can't promise to ring you as long as they know they can if they want to.
It'll take a while, but hopefully they'll come out the other side of this, and they'll have done it with a good friend like you by their side
(Couldn't find cuddling smily so that'll have to do!]
As...someone said (not showing me the entire thread here and can't remember who said it or exactly what they said, sorry
) it is sometimes easier to talk to someone who you don't know or who is out of the situation entirely, so let your friend know that you won't be angry if they spoke to a stranger/help forum etc. Sounds stupid, but I was terrified my friends would be really angry at me if I spoke to strangers on here when I first 'came out' about my s/h, even though I just wanted a bit of support from people I wouldn't have to face.
Good luck, hope you're okay. You are being a very very nice friend! xxx
It'll take a while, but hopefully they'll come out the other side of this, and they'll have done it with a good friend like you by their side
(Couldn't find cuddling smily so that'll have to do!] As...someone said (not showing me the entire thread here and can't remember who said it or exactly what they said, sorry
) it is sometimes easier to talk to someone who you don't know or who is out of the situation entirely, so let your friend know that you won't be angry if they spoke to a stranger/help forum etc. Sounds stupid, but I was terrified my friends would be really angry at me if I spoke to strangers on here when I first 'came out' about my s/h, even though I just wanted a bit of support from people I wouldn't have to face. Good luck, hope you're okay. You are being a very very nice friend! xxx
Reply 16
Ok,thankyou.
Trust wise i think things are getting better but slow process, bound to take time.
Thanks again, my first time of experiencing this from such a close friend, all your help has been such a great help and invaluable.
Trust wise i think things are getting better but slow process, bound to take time.
Thanks again, my first time of experiencing this from such a close friend, all your help has been such a great help and invaluable.
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