My girlfriend and my family

My girlfriend has severe anxiety. This has led to problems between us such as her spooning another guy. We have now moved past this and we are still together.

However, my parents were very annoyed at her because of this. They have now agreed that she can come with to a family day out but she just texted me and said I'm concerned about Sunday tbh. If we have to walk to the train station and them stand around watching your sister for a while I am nor sure that I will cope xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I don't mind this because I can just see her another day as we currently spend every other night together as it is. However I think my parents are still annoyed at her and I don't think this will help things if she can't come with

Reply 1

999tigger

Original post by Charlieaitken97

What's your point? why are your parents interfering? i would give it a miss as well.

Reply 2

CLPsych

Uh, rewind a minute. What exactly about having severe anxiety equates to spooning with another guy? O_o

Anyway, I can see where your girlfriend is coming from, and with anxiety this situation will feel like a minefield for her. She'll need your help and support, and you may need to come up with a whole game plan in advance in order for her to feel she can cope, but I agree with you. I think it's important for building bridges with your family that she does her best here and tries to come along. Hopefully she has some coping mechanisms which help her get by in everyday life, and she'll be able to utilise some of those strategies in this situation. Talk it through with her, let her know how important it is to you, and ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable with the situation (you never know which small details might make it more manageable for her). She will probably find the process exhausting even if it goes well, so don't expect too much from her and listen if she lets you know she needs to leave/get away. If you can be by her side with this then she should be able to manage it, and ultimately it will be for the better as she'll be able to build a relationship with your family again. If you're both taking the relationship seriously she can't avoid it forever and I don't think she should reject the olive branch.

As far as your family are concerned, if they're genuinely willing to move forward then they must communicate this in their behaviour towards her. They need to be prepared to treat her with respect and make it a friendly environment, not just to tolerate her presence. That would be uncomfortable for anyone, and could be a huge trigger for her. If they are truly willing to move on from it all (which they should be if they respect your ability to make your own decisions) then hopefully your girlfriend will be able to relax into the day. As long as everyone's on the same page going in, you'll all survive to tell the tale.

Edit: If she flat out refuses to discuss it or go, then I think it sounds like she's using her anxiety as a crutch and that's not fair on your OR beneficial for her at all. And tbh, saying spooning another guy had anything to do with having an anxiety disorder seems pretty off to me (speaking as someone with severe anxiety myself). But hey ho, I've tried to give the benefit of the doubt here.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 3

Jackieox

"I have severe anxiety so i'm going to spoon someone else." I'm sorry what?

If i'm being honest i'm questioning if she even has it at all (I have severe anxiety too..) Normally if someone has severe anxiety they agree to go and then its usually on the day they pull out because they genuinely cannot cope.. To me it sounds like an excuse? She can't walk to the station and watch your sister even though she know what she was getting herself into?

Reply 4

999tigger

Original post by Jackieox

That doesnt make any sense. i cnat see how its any different making the attempt by agreeing and then changing your mind due to anxiety reasons. It wouldnt have to happen on the day at all.

Reply 5

Jackieox

Original post by 999tigger

That doesnt make any sense. i cnat see how its any different making the attempt by agreeing and then changing your mind due to anxiety reasons. It wouldnt have to happen on the day at all.

I meant it more than you don't know when it's going to hit you, I know from experience I can make plans a week or so in advance and start feeling more and more anxious but it's on the day that it hits me and i realise i can't go...In two days time she could be feeling completely fine, admittedly she could also become so anxious to the point where she can't go but with something like anxiety you genuinely don't know how you feel about something until the day it's going to happen.

Reply 6

Jackieox

Original post by 999tigger

That doesnt make any sense. i cnat see how its any different making the attempt by agreeing and then changing your mind due to anxiety reasons. It wouldnt have to happen on the day at all.

Also....She's too anxious to go out with her boyfriend but not too anxious to spoon another guy?

Reply 7

CLPsych

Original post by Jackieox

I can see what you're saying here in that sometimes it definitely gets progressively worse or I end up having an anxiety attack in a situation I really thought I would be fine in (6am at Glastonbury Festival because, wait for it.. it rained? Lol wtf), but I disagree in that I can gauge how many of my 'trigger factors' a situation encompasses in advance, and therefore how likely it is that I'll struggle with it. That's how I assess situations and plan ahead (coping strategies etc) so that I can give myself the best chance of managing the anxiety and still doing the things I want to (or have to) do.

I think it's different for everyone in that respect.