The Student Room Group

I'm think i'm gay...

There..... i said it. I'm certainly bi, but i suspect probably gay. I have another account on here, but i don't really think i'm ready to out myself properly yet so for now... I'm Jasmine.

I'm not really sure what to do next though. I'm 22 years old, about to enter my final (4th) year at uni. When i was 15 i "came out" as bi to most of my friends from home. It made me feel free, it was liberating. But then i got into relationships with boys, and just sort of forgot about it. I think everyone just assumed it was a phase i went through. With hindsight i can see that those relationships were never right, for instance, i've never had painless sex with a man, despite two long term (both at least a year long) relationships - i've been told by a doctor that this is probably because of a psychological issue. I also can't remember how i lost my virginity to a man, at the time it was a very big deal, and i know who i lost it with - my first boyfriend, but i cannot for the life of me remember how or when or even where it happened. I know wasn't drunk though, cos i didn't really drink at that time.

I've been single for a while now, a long long while and haven't really fancied anyone at all in over a year and a half. But i've come to realise recently, that part of the reason for this is that i do not find men attractive. I only become drawn to men once i know them, and then i manage to convince myself that i do actually fancy them. But i don't think i really do. On the other hand, i do find women attractive, very attractive. And, very recently, i've come to the point where i don't think i'm looking to find a relationship with a man next, i want to be with a girl. I've never even kissed a girl. Never found one who wants to kiss me sadly.

I can't tell my uni friends this. I am living with 4 other girls this year, 3 of whom i know very well, the other i've only met a couple of times but she seems nice. And as a large proportion of my friends have now left uni, apart from my friends from my course, these are the only close friends i have here. Two of them are very judgemental, they don't seem to have a problem with gay men, but they have major issues with gay women. I suspect if they found out about me i'd have to move out. The other girl, well i think she'd be ok with it but she's not very subtle and i just don't think telling her is a good move atm - specially as we shared a bed a couple of weeks ago in a hotel, she might think it's all a bit weird.... These girls haven't got a clue i feel like this, for the first 2 years of uni i was in a LDR with a guy, who was fantastic, i'm pretty sure i loved him, i just never fancied him. I really want to fall in love with someone that i fancy the pants off, and i can't see that happening with a guy. Is that too much to ask?

So i don't know what to do. In my whole time at uni i've not met a single lesbian/bi girl (that i know of), my uni is in a small city which doesn't really have a scene. I can't go to the uni LGBT because, apart from being absolutely terrified, i know a few fairly active male members of the society and so do my housemates - in fact, they know them much better than i do because they're on the same course. Basically, If i went there, it'd be the same as coming out to everyone at uni.

I just don't know what to do. I feel i've got to do something. I just don't know what. Also, my parents and family are very homophobic so i can't tell them. And i could possibly tell some of my friends from home, but since we've been at uni we've all drifted apart and are not as close as we were 7 years ago.

Ugh i'm such a mess. Sorry it's so long. I just needed to write it down i think.
Sexuality by its very nature is not straight forward and it can be very confusing! It’s not about piecing together various clues and that leading you to what your sexuality is, it is about how YOU FEEL.

Some people who are Bisexual will find themselves attracted to one gender more than the other and that doesn’t mean to say that they are straight or gay and not bisexual!

You say that you’ve never experienced anything sexually with someone of the same gender. Well maybe that is something you need to do before you know inside yourself who you are sexually. You may have a sexual experience with someone of the same gender and hate it or like it no more or no less than the ones you’ve had with men.

Don’t rush into labelling yourself again. Wait and explore your feelings further and the answer will become clearer. It can be fun to explore these feelings and desires, so take this opportunity to do so.

Don’t think about the whole coming out again business, there may be no need to do it. If at the end of your look inside yourself and exploring of your sexual feelings you may come to the conclusion that nothing has changed and there is no need to come out a second time. If you continue to worry about the coming out part you may not explore your feelings enough. If at the end you do come to the conclusion that you are gay and not bisexual then you can start thinking about coming out, but not before!
Reply 2
1988
Sexuality by its very nature is not straight forward and it can be very confusing! It’s not about piecing together various clues and that leading you to what your sexuality is, it is about how YOU FEEL.

Some people who are Bisexual will find themselves attracted to one gender more than the other and that doesn’t mean to say that they are straight or gay and not bisexual!

You say that you’ve never experienced anything sexually with someone of the same gender. Well maybe that is something you need to do before you know inside yourself who you are sexually. You may have a sexual experience with someone of the same gender and hate it or like it no more or no less than the ones you’ve had with men.

Don’t rush into labelling yourself again. Wait and explore your feelings further and the answer will become clearer. It can be fun to explore these feelings and desires, so take this opportunity to do so.

Don’t think about the whole coming out again business, there may be no need to do it. If at the end of your look inside yourself and exploring of your sexual feelings you may come to the conclusion that nothing has changed and there is no need to come out a second time. If you continue to worry about the coming out part you may not explore your feelings enough. If at the end you do come to the conclusion that you are gay and not bisexual then you can start thinking about coming out, but not before!


i agree, i couldnt have sed it better... well done ;grin;
Reply 3
Cheers, you're right... i've been getting myself bogged down in labels and trying to define myself and it's not really necessary at all.

So now all i have to do is try and find a way of "exploring my feelings". Hmz... that's easier said than done when you live where i do. I guess i should just get myself out and about and meet as many ppl as possible during Fresher's, perhaps i'll be lucky and some gorgeous girl will enter my world who'll put up with me while i sort my head out a bit.

Ah well, now i'm much more open to the possibility and ready for it and actually want it to happen maybe it will.

Thanks for the advice anyways.

Jasmine
xx
Reply 4
I used to be pretty homophobic about things - like really, couldn't think of anything worse than being homosexual you know? I think I just dropped it in the end. Its perfectly normal to feel like this Jas, and you really don't need to tell anyone your feelings if you are not prepared do, don't feel pressured into it simply because you feel you have to. On the flipside, if you do tell your friends, then if they were you're real friends they would see you as a friend whether your black or white, have brown or blonde hair, and especially you're sexual oritentation.

Maybe this isn't the right time to express your feelings? Definatley you're to pressured by your friends perceptions fueled by their ignorance to not say anything, and surely losing some good friends to something like this - yes - maybe quite pathetic on their behalf, but its for you're courage to come out like this that builds your personal happiness and freedom.

Good luck