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Best friend - is this crossing the line?

Best friend of about 12 years treats me bad. Is this crossing the line? Maybe it's a build up of many things over time.

We've been through so much crap together, I love her to bits, she has depression and is going through a break up of a long term relationship, her grandma has Alzheimer's. I have my own problems but it's okay.

I go to a different uni 3 hrs away but she's stayed in our city uni. Since moving to uni obviously I knew things would be a bit strained. She doesn't make and effort, when I'm back home and we're together she'll say she'll visit.
I've spoken to her twice in one whole term and I'm back for Easter now.

We arranged to meet up today for only a few hours for a catch up and stood me up, ringing me 3hrs after she was supposed to see me. It's her birthday next week and she is going out and never invited me. I asked if I could come along, it'd be genuinely nice to meet her uni friends. She says her guy friend is planning it and doesn't know if I can come for pre drinks. I said that's fine, I can meet you after your done with pres in town? She says she doesn't know, and she'll let me know. This breaks my heart. What is wrong with me? I've always been there for her and she won't stand up for me.

It does make me beyond sad but I don't know what to do. If I end up not going I know I'm going to hold it against her in secret, rightly or wrongly, but it's hurt me. I've known her 13 years! We've been through so much together, I'm always there for her. I get angry for a few hours but I honestly can't be mad at her for more than a day, in the end I just mope about and then brush it off. I don't think I can brush this off.

I don't want to argue with her because I hate confrontation which is pathetic I know, but I can't lose her because I don't nt really have many friends at uni that I'm really close with. I struggle with people.

Have any of you guys been in a similar situation? If so did you work through it and how? I don't want to give up but at the same time I am sad. We have really good times when we're together, but it just seems that when I'm not right in front of her I don't exist.

Ps sorry for the novel

Reply 1

Hopefully1

I would imagine a lot of girls have been in a similar situation. I am so very sorry you are being treated this way. For whatever reason, and trust me it has nothing to do with you, she's feeling insecure and is breaking away. I have been on the receiving end myself but I'm afraid I may have acted similarly to your friend as well. You went off to uni, she's still in your hometown. She just went through a break up, her grandmother has Alzheimers and when she hears about what's going on with you everything probably sounds pretty good in your life (whether or not that is true). She is trying to prop herself up and making herself feel important with her new friends at your expense. She's not trying to make you upset she's just trying to feel like she has these great friends and she's an important part of their group..... she's trying to make herself feel important. I don't know if she is jealous of you or not but she certainly could be. But, I suppose it could also be that she doesn't think her new friends are all that and wants to avoid your seeing them. You just want to be besties again and pick up where you left off and that is admirable but that is because you are coming from a place of more emotional security and don't let her take that from you.

I think for the time being..... and I mean a significantly long time.... you need to let this friendship go. You can't allow her to treat you so rudely and you shouldn't brush off rudeness like she is dishing out.... not from her or anyone else. Yes, it is easier not to respond but you also risk just becoming doormat to be walked over. You deserve a better friend. I do think in time she will reach out to you again or eventually you can contact her but for now I'd treat this like a breakup as well. This is kind of a chapter closing in your life maybe not forever but at least for now. I sincerely hope you have your own wonderful friends at uni. Friendship work both ways and if she can't be a friend to you like you deserve and have been for her, for whatever reason, then you need to move on and be around friends who are up-lifting. None of this is about you.

For me when I treated some one poorly we did lose touch but occasionally see each other now and we are very friendly. Back at the time I wanted her to know I had great friends at uni (sound familiar) and wanted her to think, dare I say (eye roll) that I was 'popular' - which doesn't even make sense because even at that time we hadn't been good friends since we were in like year 7. I just ran into her somewhere one day and remember acting quite rude. Inexcusable/immature.

For being on the receiving end it was much more like you are describing we became great friends in year 4 and but we went to different high schools and she barely acted like she knew me when she was around all her new friends and it hurt. When they weren't around she was my bestie when she was around them she hardly knew me and certainly didn't include me at all. This went on for years. We went to different unis and it was the same. We would see each other maybe once at Christmas and summer but it was always about her new clothes/ car and posh friends. But much later I found out her father was abusive to her mother, her mother went after her dad with a knife.... she got into financial difficulties. She later told me she'd also felt envious of me because I had a big family who did a lot together. But at the time I always ended up feeling inferior to her but now I don't at all anymore and I have a great life and wonderful friends. She and I are friendly and when we see each other she acts (now) like we're long lost besties but I remember how I felt she looked down her nose at me and at the time I think she did and I will always keep that with me even though we are still 'friends' ..... so I know your pain which is why it is best to just, in my opinion, quietly let it go for the time being.

Reply 2

prazzyjazzy

Drop her and make some decent friends. It seems like she's already made her own and moved on. It's not a nice feeling, I know, but if she wants to keep your friendship you should let her do some of the work...

Reply 3

username2391309

It seems that she has moved on.

Reply 4

username2965904

It is not unusual for the friends you had at school to no longer be your friends by your early twenties.

Reply 5

CatL8

Thank you for the advice! I have taken a step back and I am not contacting her for now, when (or if) she reaches out to me about plans next week I will have to just grow a spine and talk to her about it. But I can't fully walk away because I think I'm too attached because I've known her too long.

I never really thought about it from the perspective that she would be jealous of me to be honest, it's quite interesting you said that. I don't think she would be overly jealous, but I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that I tend to avoid drama and my mum is supportive whilst hers is quite controlling. She knows I am not happy at the moment as well, I have my own issues but I'd rather not delve into those on here.

Another part of it is, that I feel like I can't be too honest/too frustrated with her because she has depression and I know that some of it is due to that. I don't want to push her too hard or trigger her into doing something awful, because obviously I care about her but at the same time I have reached a point where it's really not fair on me either. I don't want to abandon her, but maybe that's how she'll see it.