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Did I Totally Over React and Manipulate Things?

My gf unavoidably has to spend a lot of time within close proximity to a guy whom I have issues with and don't like her being near. I do nag at her a bit about it and she got a bit annoyed and I apologised and agreed to trust her. Anyhow the next day she had a freshers event (she's a rep) anyhow she invited me along, and the atmoshpere was good and everyone was quite drunk anyhow, we were both crossing the dancefloor when she saw another of the reps and gave his bum a quick feel right in front of me. He gave her no encouragement whatsoever. I naturally was furious and went mad at my girlfriend , I know she wasn't cheating or anything but I just thought it was horribly disrespectful, and I would never dream of doing that to another girl. Anyhow I told her i felt like a complete fool and she's making me look like a guy wih a giflfriend who acts up for it and tarty even when im around. Im finding it hard to trust her now if thats the kind of thing she does whilst im around.

We subsequently went home and i wouldn't kiss or touch or hug her, then I walked out of the house with her pleading and crying and ignored all her phonecalls and texts for hours until replying with ominous messages about just seeing her when I see her. All the time in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't break up with her, but I found myself actively making out like I was going to. I don't set out to be manipulative but I find myself doing things like this regularly to get the upper hand. Am I being out of order and did I over react about the whole thing? Or did she disrespect me as badly as i thought?

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Reply 1
No, she sounds like a total bitch!
Reply 2
wow, you're horrible.
Reply 3
Hahahaha. You're an ass. Hah.
Reply 4
wow, you're horrible.


Why?
I would disregard the responses of anyone who is so insecure as to put their results in their siginature.

Just tell her that it hurts you to see her act in the same way she does to you ot her people, and tell her that you were especially hurt/annoyed because you would expect her to understand this, and not want you to act in this way.

In all honesty, as much as anyone will claim (mostly when one hasn't been in a relationship where they honestly cared about their partner, and this happened), that hurts if you really care about her. I can honestly associate (different circumstances) - the key is not to let her ever feel that you are weird or inhuman or anything by not trusting her - she has to prove it to you by showing you how little she cares about anyone she flirts with or acts like that with.

Hope it helped.
Reply 6
no i dont think you are a bad person, she obviously hurt your feelings and I understand why you did the things you did, seeing her crying and pleading kinda reassured you that you actually meant something to her and making out that you were going to dump her was a kind of test to see how much you did mean to her, in a way its a punishment for the way she disrespected you x
i disagree with the 'horrible' parts... she provoked the Anon person :P

Your totally within your rights to ignore her for a while ^^ if she's going to do that on purpose in front of you, she doesnt really deserve to be your girlfriend honestly...
Anonymous
My gf unavoidably has to spend a lot of time within close proximity to a guy whom I have issues with and don't like her being near. I do nag at her a bit about it and she got a bit annoyed and I apologised and agreed to trust her. Anyhow the next day she had a freshers event (she's a rep) anyhow she invited me along, and the atmoshpere was good and everyone was quite drunk anyhow, we were both crossing the dancefloor when she saw another of the reps and gave his bum a quick feel right in front of me. He gave her no encouragement whatsoever. I naturally was furious and went mad at my girlfriend , I know she wasn't cheating or anything but I just thought it was horribly disrespectful, and I would never dream of doing that to another girl. Anyhow I told her i felt like a complete fool and she's making me look like a guy wih a giflfriend who acts up for it and tarty even when im around. Im finding it hard to trust her now if thats the kind of thing she does whilst im around.

We subsequently went home and i wouldn't kiss or touch or hug her, then I walked out of the house with her pleading and crying and ignored all her phonecalls and texts for hours until replying with ominous messages about just seeing her when I see her. All the time in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't break up with her, but I found myself actively making out like I was going to. I don't set out to be manipulative but I find myself doing things like this regularly to get the upper hand. Am I being out of order and did I over react about the whole thing? Or did she disrespect me as badly as i thought?

I'm gonna be honest, I am perfectly straight, but if I'd had a drink or two I'd quite possibly give a mate a quick slap on the arse as a form of greeting. In fact, even if I hadn't had a drink... it's just not a sexual thing. I've never done it to a girlfriend (mild S&M notwithstanding :wink:).

So yeah, you're being somewhat unreasonable.

On the other hand, the fact that you recognise that you let your girlfriend believe that you were potentially gonna break up with her (even though you weren't) shows a decent amount of self-awareness. I think the really manipulative people are those who aren't even aware of it - or have got so used to it that they don't consider it manipulation anymore. And whilst in this case you were being unreasonable, the idea of keeping a partner slightly on their toes (rather than being a total pushover) is not a bad one.

So... it's not that big a deal!
Reply 9
you had a right to be upset about it , but she was probs just doing it as a joke.
Reply 10
fine confront her, and then ignore her for a bit.
but not for hours, and the ominous messages to make her feel worse.. are horrible. and the notion of 'getting the upper hand' is too.

two wrongs don't make a right.
I think you over reacted quite a bit. Pinching someone's bum isn't exactly a big deal. Of course, you'd be annoyed, but surely you could have just said "I don't really like you doing that", rather than basically calling her a tart?

The thing I have the most issue is you trying to manipulate her. Alright, you were upset, but stringing her along was malicious. You could have just told her that you were upset and didn't want to talk to her for a while. Basically, I think that you have the right to be a bit peeved at her (although personally I don't see the big deal), but it was totally OTT to walk out, ignore her completely and leave her crying and worrying that you were going to dump her. If you do things like this regularly to get the upper hand, then that is actually not far short of abusive. I'd dump you for it.
Reply 12
I know it was a one of and she wouldn't usually do it, but it makes me so angry that she has the capacity to do that and I would never ever dream of doing, let alone in front of her. Im not possesive but it makes me feel sick to think she could be doing that to other guys. She's not a cow and it was totally out of character and I felt hurt because we both agreed the limits within our relationship. For example earlier in the evening i was talking to another of the reps (girl) whilst she was in the toilet, shes insanely jealous of this girl and thinks shes after me, anyhow I was just talking to her and she like storms out and totally cuts the girl off like theres something going on, then she does something like that. I'll never be comfortable with my girlfriend being like that with other guys it may make me uptight or whatever but I just don't like it. I really don't try to manipulate things but I feel like im making her think that I care less than I do and that Im the one who could more easily walk away from the whole thing, so she feels worried about losing me, it makes me feel uneasy afterwards.
Reply 13
Joanna May
I think you over reacted quite a bit. Pinching someone's bum isn't exactly a big deal. Of course, you'd be annoyed, but surely you could have just said "I don't really like you doing that", rather than basically calling her a tart?

The thing I have the most issue is you trying to manipulate her. Alright, you were upset, but stringing her along was malicious. You could have just told her that you were upset and didn't want to talk to her for a while. Basically, I think that you have the right to be a bit peeved at her (although personally I don't see the big deal), but it was totally OTT to walk out, ignore her completely and leave her crying and worrying that you were going to dump her. If you do things like this regularly to get the upper hand, then that is actually not far short of abusive. I'd dump you for it.

The point is my girlfriend would go crazy i I pinched someone else's arse so yes it is a big deal.
Reply 14
Arghh...originally I was sympathetic to you, but clearly you've got it in your head that it is a big deal and that's that.

Its not a huge deal, sure she shouldn't have done it, but she did, end off. Go an apologise for storming out and move on.
Anonymous
I know it was a one of and she wouldn't usually do it, but it makes me so angry that she has the capacity to do that and I would never ever dream of doing, let alone in front of her. Im not possesive but it makes me feel sick to think she could be doing that to other guys. She's not a cow and it was totally out of character and I felt hurt because we both agreed the limits within our relationship. For example earlier in the evening i was talking to another of the reps (girl) whilst she was in the toilet, shes insanely jealous of this girl and thinks shes after me, anyhow I was just talking to her and she like storms out and totally cuts the girl off like theres something going on, then she does something like that. I'll never be comfortable with my girlfriend being like that with other guys it may make me uptight or whatever but I just don't like it. I really don't try to manipulate things but I feel like im making her think that I care less than I do and that Im the one who could more easily walk away from the whole thing, so she feels worried about losing me, it makes me feel uneasy afterwards.


Sounds like you both need to grow up a bit. You both need to deal with your irrational jealousy. It is not normal to react the way you did to a simple pinch of the bum as someone walks past. If you both have this issue, then you both need to calm down. You sound like you deserve each other, to be honest.

There's a simple solution to your last sentence: Stop playing mind games and tell her straight. Leaving a girl (or a guy) hanging like you did is just plain cruel. You say you feel uneasy about it. Well stop doing it! Grow up, and stop with the childish manipulation.
Anonymous
The point is my girlfriend would go crazy i I pinched someone else's arse so yes it is a big deal.

The two words in bold are interesting. What you're implying (whether you mean to or not) is that it matters only (or at least primarily) because it would be a problem if the roles were reversed.

Which is all very well, but everyone has their insecurities and if we always feel the need to sink to the lowest common denominator of our partner's insecurity (as well as our own) then it'll make relationships a lot more stressful.

That's not brilliantly explained... but you get the point I hope!

I mean - does what she did really bother you on a fundamental level, or do you just know that you can get away with being angry and feel that she kinda deserves it because of how she reacted to you talking with that girl? Because life's too short to (pretend to?) get upset about something that doesn't really upset you that much.
Reply 17
hmm you had right to be peeved off, just think you took it wheeey to far!

she is blatenty crazy about you (you must be fit)(or rich)(lol).
Reply 18
Well, she must be VERY dull to do that in front of you.
What a ridiculous thing to do..

but i think possibly you did overreact.
Just go over and apologise to her.
You obviously regret treating her in the way that you did.. because meate, she's not going to be impressed with you.
And the longer you leave it, the worse its going to be
I think you have slightly over-reacted. I dont blame you for ignoring her and not wanting to kiss etc. But i think you took it too far when you started ignoring her texts and calls. Sure she felt a guys bum for a sec, which seems to suggest it was joke (although i'd probably be a bit upset if my gf did it) but it hurts like hell when someone you love ignores you on purpose and even makes you think you cold possibly lose them.

If something similar happens again i'd just not kiss/hug/hold hands etc for an hour or less. But don't drag it on for hours as thats just cruel.

I think you should go to her place and apologise about how you've acted but also explain how what she did hurt you. Thats the best thing you can do i think. Maybe take a rose or something too:smile:

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