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TERRIFIED of the guy I'm dating gaining weight...

Hey everyone,

I'm pretty ashamed to write this, but here it goes - I think I am not a shallow person in any other way but this, but this is my one dealbreaker when it comes to the appearance of guys I date:

I, personally, cannot stand it when a guy that I'm dating puts on a lot of weight from when I first met him (with the exception of there being a medical reason of course). I wish this wasn't the case, but I physically find I cannot be attracted to him anymore when he becomes overweight. It's a personal thing which I just can't overcome, however much I've tried to.

I've started dating this wonderful, wonderful person, but he used to be overweight (he was thin during school and at the beginning of uni, but apparently packed it on during university, which he openly told me). He recently lost a lot of weight and I met him after he lost it, but now very recently he's started to put it back on. He's assured me multiple times that he is focused on staying in shape and doesn't want to go back to being overweight again, but his actions don't seem to be following up on his words. He doesn't seem to go to the gym ever, and he eats relatively unhealthily as far as I can see. I've also insinuated multiple times that a guy being overweight is unfortunately a dealbreaker in terms of attraction for me, so he is aware of that fact.

My ex and I broke up for a multitude of reasons, but one small reason was that he had become overweight and had basically proven to me that he didn't have the motivation to lose it at all, I basically had to bully him into exercising, and so I just couldn't be physically attracted to him anymore. I'm terrified that this wonderful guy I'm now dating will go the same way, and basically destroy my initial attraction to him.

Should I let him know more firmly that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who can't take care of their body? Has anyone got any ideas about what to do in this situation?

Thank you so much, any answers greatly appreciated!

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Reply 1
Indeed ^^^ Nothing wrong with making it clear what you find attractive/unattractive.
fat shaming is not good :frown:
Reply 3
Original post by coup:detat
fat shaming is not good :frown:


I'm sorry if it appeared that I was fat shaming, and that's honestly not what I'm trying to do at all... It's the same as not liking a certain hair colour or height in a person in someone you're dating, I'm afraid it's just my personal preference of physical attraction that I can't be attracted to men who are overweight (they don't have to have rock hard abs or anything like that, or have no fat at all, just not be really quite overweight). I've tried to look past it, but I'm afraid I have found that I can't.
Presumably you gym a lot? Couldnt you take him with you? I think its ok to have a discussion with him as long as you are tactful.
Reply 5
Original post by 999tigger
Presumably you gym a lot? Couldnt you take him with you? I think its ok to have a discussion with him as long as you are tactful.


Thank you for the suggestion - I do go to the gym a lot but unfortunately we're at different unis right now... we agreed to go together over the summer but I am a bit worried that he might have gained a lot by then as there's still several months to go.
I mean, it's okay to have preferences on what you find attractive but surely his personality is more important? I don't know maybe it's just me but I could date anyone with an attractive personality! Even so, I suggest you be more open (but obviously delicate) with him. It's no use complaining online to a bunch of strangers, you need to confront this issue! :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for the suggestion - I do go to the gym a lot but unfortunately we're at different unis right now... we agreed to go together over the summer but I am a bit worried that he might have gained a lot by then as there's still several months to go.


Its hard to know what the dynamic of your relationship is. At the moment I expect both your priorities is study. Its unknown how serious you are about each other and how well you communicate. Its easier but matters less the closer you are. The danger is that you are nagging. which is a big no no. Talk to him, agree on a compromise/ timetable and see if it works out, If you dnt feel attracted then dont sleep with him.
Attraction is important, I get it but if you're truly in love, love conquers all. If he got ill and gained 70lbs, would you not love him?

Love is without face, or shape. It's above that and if you feel this way, perhaps you don't really love him.

I think you may have body issues yourself tbh.
:rolleyes:

Furthermore, who brags about being underweight?
Original post by Nirvana1989-1994
:rolleyes:

Furthermore, who brags about being underweight?


Someone who thinks weight=success.
Original post by Reality Check
Someone who thinks weight=success.


Oh lord. :s-smilie:
Original post by Nirvana1989-1994
:rolleyes:

Furthermore, who brags about being underweight?


Wasn't bragging about it at all - actually it's unhealthy, I wish I was a healthy weight. Just trying to negate what someone was assuming, which was that I would be overweight when I was fifty, which probably won't be the case because of my condition now.
Original post by coup:detat
fat shaming is not good :frown:


No - fat shaming is good. Most fat people are fat because they live an unhealthy lifestyle. Look at photos if people 50 years ago - the majority were slim.
Original post by Anonymous
Wasn't bragging about it at all - actually it's unhealthy, I wish I was a healthy weight. Just trying to negate what someone was assuming, which was that I would be overweight when I was fifty, which probably won't be the case because of my condition now.


If you do say so.
Original post by squeakysquirrel
No - fat shaming is good. Most fat people are fat because they live an unhealthy lifestyle. Look at photos if people 50 years ago - the majority were slim.


Do you honestly think it's that simple?
If you loved someone you wouldn't give one damn what they looked like. When you really love someone you might not even be physically attracted to them. It's their personality, their sense of humour, their outlook on life. You get to know the type of person they are. By that stage you don't care less what they look like. What if, God forbid, you developed breast cancer and had to have a Mastectomy in five years time? How would you feel if your boyfriend dumped you because you only had one tit? You sound immature, vain and shallow. He deserves someone worth more than you will ever be.
I don't believe you can make people lose weight. I don't even believe you can encourage them to. It is entirely a personal thing which he needs to do one his own. Dragging him down the gym or feeding him salad just isn't going to work. Neither is hinting.

The question is, do you want to tell him directly he is getting too fat or not. Whether that will be effective depends on his personality. Personally, when I have been told I've got fat by people close to me, it doesn't upset me. I wouldn't say it has kicked me into gear because, as I said, it is a personal thing but it definitely forces you out of denial and makes you confront the issue.

You would have nothing to lose by telling me straight that I need to lose weight. However, as I have experienced when I have said this to women, sometimes it can be counter productive. Some people have their weight tied in with their self-esteem and when it has taken a hit, they get sad and eat more. It can also provoke a "**** you I'll do what I want and I'll eat loads to piss you off" response.

He has lost weight in the past so may be it would be better to leave him to it. I would say something just because I can't help myself. Especially, if he is sprouting BS about him being determined to stay in shape. I'd have to put him straight on that.

I wouldn't spell out that you may leave him over it yet. Save the sledgehammer for a bit later on.
(edited 6 years ago)
I stated plainly before that medical issues were a completely different thing - I'm talking about simply not taking care of your otherwise perfectly healthy body.

I also never said anything about love. We have only been dating for about a month - neither of us are in love with one another. If I am ever in love with him, I would never just dump him off for gaining weight. However, I'm not at the moment, and physical attraction is undeniably important in the very initial stages of dating someone.

I find it extremely hard to believe that everyone scolding me for having ONE preference about what I am physically attracted to has literally NO preferences in terms of the looks of someone they would date.
Original post by Reality Check
Do you honestly think it's that simple?


Yes I do - the majority of fat people are fat because they either slob around or eat too much. It is not rocket science - I work in the NHS - believe me I know.

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