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    (Original post by Amb1)
    You don't want to throw away 4.5 years - but do you want to continue with a relationship / possibly get married and spend your life with him if you can never go out together with your / his friends? Yes compromises are necessary in relationships but you should still stay close to your own views and standards. If you 'learn to put up with it' and carry on, he has made no effort what so ever - that isn't a compromise.
    but he has basically already told me that he won't change
    although i suppose if faced with the chance of loosing me then..........
    i don't know- i just want to make up with him and see how things go......
    especially before tommorrow...
    do you think i'm stupid to want to stay with him?
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    Ok, so last night my boyfriend was out at a band practise and I had said to him that I was going to try and meet up with a friend- see who was free etc...
    Anyway, turns out that my friend of about 3 years (a bloke) was free and it was nearly his birthday so i took his present over and then we went out for a drink and had a chat cos i hadn't seen him for about 7 months. I texted my bf to tell him this, no reply. Got home about 10.45 and texted him to say i was home and that i loved him, hope he had a good night etc....

    He then sent me a text saying " yeah whatever. i hope you had a nice drink with your man friend."
    i tried to phone him but he wouldn't answer then he turned his phone off. I left a message asking him to call me. He phoned me and said that i had really upset him and that i shouldn't be going for drinks with other men. He reacted as if i had cheated on him. I apologised for upsetting him and he hung up. I phoned him back and apologised again and we had a little talk which consisted of him making me feel really guilty by saying its not the done thing, I've let him down etc..that i didn't care about him.
    Then he sent me another message saying " get stuffed. how can you 'love me' so much and at the same time sod off 2 the pub with some loser who is blatantly gagging for it"

    He says he doesn't want to see me today but i think i will go round later to try and sort it out.

    Also put into the equation that he refuses to come out with any of my friends, and my bloke friend who i saw last night doesn't speak to any of my other friends.

    Opinions plesase, is my bf overreacting or not??

    Ruthie xx

    I obviously dont know the state of your relationship .......... but.........
    it is all well and good telling him you love him but you need to show him ..... someone telling you that they love you is nowhere near as comforting as being shown it..... im not sure whats going on in either of your lives but maybe work or something has made u spend more time apart recently... i know i felt like this with my girlfriend she was working alot and so we saw each other less so when she went off to see her freinds i felt kinda cheated ( even tho mostly they were female) but because we saw so little of each other and her time with her freidns took more time away from us ... silly i know cos u must spend time with freidns but im trying to help you see how he may be feeling...... a relationship is all about comprimise mayb you could of gone to suport him at band practice and then done something for u the next day ..... but if u've been together 4.5 years then something like this wont even be rememberd if a months or so's time, i would probly go see him even if he doesn't wont to see you that way u can talk to him and he cant hang up so u can make sure you say everything u need to. hope everything works out ok
    LEE
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    but i don't want us to break up, i love him
    Look, I don't mean to sound horrible but it sounds like he has a very strange idea of "love" (I don't believe in love anyway but that's another discussion). If he wants to show you that he cares about you then he has to start understanding that you must be allowed time with your other friends.

    MB
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    (Original post by Lee86)
    I obviously dont know the state of your relationship .......... but.........
    it is all well and good telling him you love him but you need to show him ..... someone telling you that they love you is nowhere near as comforting as being shown it..... im not sure whats going on in either of your lives but maybe work or something has made u spend more time apart recently... i know i felt like this with my girlfriend she was working alot and so we saw each other less so when she went off to see her freinds i felt kinda cheated ( even tho mostly they were female) but because we saw so little of each other and her time with her freidns took more time away from us ... silly i know cos u must spend time with freidns but im trying to help you see how he may be feeling...... a relationship is all about comprimise mayb you could of gone to suport him at band practice and then done something for u the next day ..... but if u've been together 4.5 years then something like this wont even be rememberd if a months or so's time, i would probly go see him even if he doesn't wont to see you that way u can talk to him and he cant hang up so u can make sure you say everything u need to. hope everything works out ok
    LEE
    ok- i can't go to band practise with him- no-one is allowed to take gfs. and he said to me that he would prefer me to see my friends when he is busy so when he is free we can see each other. also, i want him to come with me to see my friends but he won't....
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    (Original post by musicboy)
    Look, I don't mean to sound horrible but it sounds like he has a very strange idea of "love" (I don't believe in love anyway but that's another discussion). If he wants to show you that he cares about you then he has to start understanding that you must be allowed time with your other friends.

    MB
    he doesn't make a fuss when its a girl...unless i arrange to see them instead of him, so i try to do it when he is busy, like we agreed
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    Try and see it from the bf's point of view. Has he been in a relationship before where someone has cheated on him? Maybe something is wrong elsewhere? I have "lost" a girlfriend because she went out drinking with a male friend, alone - when I was at a band practice (brass band so probably a bit different!) - It took me a month to find out she was cheating on me (and as usual I was the last to know). I was very trusting of her and believed her and I got hurt, now I can't be as trusting again.

    I know yout bf sounds a bit selfish, but sometimes when you feel that your happiness is under threat you react like that. Men today are constantly bombarded with stuff affirming their inadequancy and mens mags are fully of stats and tests that almost convince you that your gf must be cheating on you. Your boyfriend may trust you, but he has no reason to trust this other guy.

    Basically sit down with your bf and talk it through, if seeing you male friend alone is still a major problem to him then you need to make a decision about what you are going to do. Relationships are about compromise and sometimes you have to give up some of your personal freedoms to make a relationship work.

    Being bolshy might help you, but it won'y help the relationship.
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    he doesn't make a fuss when its a girl...unless i arrange to see them instead of him, so i try to do it when he is busy, like we agreed

    you could try telling him that the guy is gay

    MB
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    but he has basically already told me that he won't change
    although i suppose if faced with the chance of loosing me then..........
    i don't know- i just want to make up with him and see how things go......
    especially before tommorrow...
    do you think i'm stupid to want to stay with him?
    Not at all. I totally understand that there's a lot more to your relationship than this and you've obviously both put in a lot and are very commited to each other. But (sorry, there's a 'but'!) can you accept that you will always have to keep your friends separate from your bf, and deal with you bf's mards about it if you stay together?

    Plus, if he is adamant that he won't change over this are you always going to be the one who makes sacrifices?
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    (Original post by Amb1)
    Not at all. I totally understand that there's a lot more to your relationship than this and you've obviously both put in a lot and are very commited to each other. But (sorry, there's a 'but'!) can you accept that you will always have to keep your friends separate from your bf, and deal with you bf's mards about it if you stay together?
    amb1 is correct. You have to work out what you vaue more and more importantly what you will value more in the future especially as you go to uni.

    MB
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    but he has basically already told me that he won't change
    although i suppose if faced with the chance of loosing me then..........
    i don't know- i just want to make up with him and see how things go......
    especially before tommorrow...
    do you think i'm stupid to want to stay with him?
    Maybe he has had a bad relationship in the past. I have had girls i like get off with bloke in front of me. It does seriously damage how much you are willing to trust even an innocent girl again.
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    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    Try and see it from the bf's point of view. Has he been in a relationship before where someone has cheated on him? Maybe something is wrong elsewhere? I have "lost" a girlfriend because she went out drinking with a male friend, alone - when I was at a band practice (brass band so probably a bit different!) - It took me a month to find out she was cheating on me (and as usual I was the last to know). I was very trusting of her and believed her and I got hurt, now I can't be as trusting again.
    ok- no he hasn't been cheated on before and we've never had problems in that departement. I was driving so i only drank coke. I would never cheat on him- and why would i tell him where i was if i was cheating on him? I don't want anyone else but him- i only met up with my friend for a chat.

    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    I know yout bf sounds a bit selfish, but sometimes when you feel that your happiness is under threat you react like that. Men today are constantly bombarded with stuff affirming their inadequancy and mens mags are fully of stats and tests that almost convince you that your gf must be cheating on you. Your boyfriend may trust you, but he has no reason to trust this other guy.

    Basically sit down with your bf and talk it through, if seeing you male friend alone is still a major problem to him then you need to make a decision about what you are going to do. Relationships are about compromise and sometimes you have to give up some of your personal freedoms to make a relationship work.

    Being bolshy might help you, but it won'y help the relationship.
    i have told him that if its a problem, it won't happen again, i'll just go out in groups- which surely he should accept and leave it?
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    (Original post by SciFi25)
    Maybe he has had a bad relationship in the past. I have had girls i like get off with bloke in front of me. It does seriously damage how much you are willing to trust even an innocent girl again.
    it is the first proper relationship that either of us have had....
    i was the first person he properly kissed (apart from just a peck)
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    i have told him that if its a problem, it won't happen again, i'll just go out in groups- which surely he should accept and leave it?
    Oh come on. It is his problem, not yours and he has to deal with it.

    MB
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    (Original post by musicboy)
    Oh come on. It is his problem, not yours and he has to deal with it.

    MB
    but now i feel guilty for meeting up with my bloke friend alone....but i didn't do anything wrong.....oh dear i'm so confused....
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    it is the first proper relationship that either of us have had....
    i was the first person he properly kissed (apart from just a peck)
    Since you got together you have both grown up a lot. Your relationship however seems to be stuck in the teenage phase (I have also been through this with my bf!). To have a successful adult relationship you need to update it a bit. It takes a while though.
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    but now i feel guilty for meeting up with my bloke friend alone....but i didn't do anything wrong.....oh dear i'm so confused....
    As I've said you have no reason to feel guilty.

    MB
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    (Original post by Amb1)
    Since you got together you have both grown up a lot. Your relationship however seems to be stuck in the teenage phase (I have also been through this with my bf!). To have a successful adult relationship you need to update it a bit. It takes a while though.
    how can i do that when he wont comprimise on anything?
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    (Original post by Amb1)
    Since you got together you have both grown up a lot. Your relationship however seems to be stuck in the teenage phase (I have also been through this with my bf!). To have a successful adult relationship you need to update it a bit. It takes a while though.

    ruth, it sounds like you've grown up but he hasn't and this may be the causeof the antagonism.

    MB
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    he went on about how would i like it if he did the

    What should i do?
    I know in a relationship sometimes you have to sacrifice but this is ridiculous.How are you going to expect him to trust you with the smallest things in the future without accusing you of cheating?
    You should teach him not to behave that way by standing your grounds.
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    (Original post by ruthiepoothie)
    how can i do that when he wont comprimise on anything?
    He can but he won't. He's refusing to make an effort for you and your relationship. IMO he's being childish and selfish. It's time for an ultimatum... and a lot of talking (and probably crying!) of course.
 
 
 
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