Met online on POF, dating for 5-months - his profile shows as online today

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#1
Hello

I'll try and keep this brief but would be grateful for you some advice guys

I met this guy online on plenty of fish back in November, and so we have been going out since then (approx 5-months). We have a great time and get on well, and I really like him. We agreed to see each other exclusively - I brought this up when we first starting having sex as I didn't really like the idea of sleeping and being intimate with someone who was also sleeping with or seeing other people. This wasn't really a big deal to be honest as I just brought it up casually and he agreed that he didn't think that was ok either

We see each other about twice per week. I haven't really brought up 'defining the relationship' or anything like that because I just wanted things to progress naturally. We message everyday and know what each other are doing/ up to etc.

I haven't logged onto my plenty of fish (pof) account in months - although I haven't deleted it, I don't use it and havent logged on. I went and just searched for him the other day (just by putting in details rather than logging in) as I was going to get him a gift which was related to something in his profile and I wanted to check this. Anyways - it basically came up with him showing as 'online today.'

I was really shocked but anyway went onto google this and it turns out this is quite a common problem with people who use POF especially on the mobile app - on their forums online it has loads of threads where people have posted about this happening. Essentially as long as you have the mobile app installed, it can show online whenever you are connected to a wifi or data connection. I use the desktop app but I think he has it on his phone

Now, its his birthday this weekend which is why I was sorting out the gift and am also planning a nice evening with him on Sat for his birthday.
I'm abit anxious by seeing this and I really didn't think he was looking to date anyone else - I don't have any reason to distrust him though. We message regularly and know what each other are up to so I don't think he is seeing anyone else.

I guess I'm just looking for abit of advice on what to do?
Whether to bring this up? Or how to casually address it?
I don't like the idea of him 'shopping around' after we have been together for 5-months exclusively - but also don't want to be paranoid if its just an honest mistake as I don't have any reason to doubt him otherwise

Thanks
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Bang Outta Order
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#2
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#2
ask him if he's on there. The most you can get is the truth or a lie, but at least it's down for the record. This is where being ina relationship starts, building or losing trust. Dunno what else to say other than keep an extra eye out. That is proper suspect though NOT gonna lie lol
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Anonymous #1
#3
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I'm getting rather worried now

I don't feel he was using me or anything like that - why would you be together for 5-months if so
Also he is about older - he's 32 and I'm 28 so I'd hope he isn't just messing me around

Anyone else?
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Bang Outta Order
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm getting rather worried now

I don't feel he was using me or anything like that - why would you be together for 5-months if so
Also he is about older - he's 32 and I'm 28 so I'd hope he isn't just messing me around

Anyone else?
agh! 30s lads are the worst, they have their own midlife crisis

but Ok I'll shut up
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Anonymous #1
#5
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He seems quite settled and normal. I wouldn't be dating someone for that long if I felt there was some sort of midlife crisis going on

Anyone else have any advice?
Its his birthday this weekend. I don't know how to go about bringing it up - would it be easy to just say something like, how do you feel about both hiding/ deleting profiles? Since I don't even log in to mine
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David B
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#6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He seems quite settled and normal. I wouldn't be dating someone for that long if I felt there was some sort of midlife crisis going on

Anyone else have any advice?
Its his birthday this weekend. I don't know how to go about bringing it up - would it be easy to just say something like, how do you feel about both hiding/ deleting profiles? Since I don't even log in to mine
Create a fake female profile/ask one of your friends to make one that he doesn't know and try to bait him of sorts and message him with said profile and see what he does.
14
Anonymous #1
#7
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#7
I'm not doing that. That is trying to trap someone and isn't the way to go about it really

Also, I do trust this guy - he has not given me any reason not to trust him. Which is why I'm confused that it would be still showing as 'online today'

I hope I'm not just being naive
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David B
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not doing that. That is trying to trap someone and isn't the way to go about it really

Also, I do trust this guy - he has not given me any reason not to trust him. Which is why I'm confused that it would be still showing as 'online today'

I hope I'm not just being naive
You asked for advice and what I suggested would give you piece of mind. He only gives you a reason not to trust him when he actually does something. That is up to you whether you'll just wait until this 'may' or 'may not' happen.

There was no purpose to this thread if you weren't going to do anything. As doing what I did or confronting him about it is still showing your lack of trust regardless.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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(Original post by David B)
You asked for advice and what I suggested would give you piece of mind. He only gives you a reason not to trust him when he actually does something. That is up to you whether you'll just wait until this 'may' or 'may not' happen.

There was no purpose to this thread if you weren't going to do anything. As doing what I did or confronting him about it is still showing your lack of trust regardless.

Sorry. Yes thank you for the advice - you are right about it showing a lack of trust on my part.

But do you think it would be better to say something like -
I was thinking of taking my profile down/ deleting it/ hiding it etc given that I haven't logged on in ages. Then I could ask him if he still has his up and if he would take it down as well. I don't think 5-months is too soon to consider doing that really. If he is hesitant or doesn't want to do this, then that is a red flag

I don't like the idea of people shopping around if you are seeing someone exclusively. And I've made that clear earlier to be honest

Do you think it could just be an app related thing?
Or people who get notifications and it shows them as being online? I have the desktop so have to physically log in if I wanted to check
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UWS
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#10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry. Yes thank you for the advice - you are right about it showing a lack of trust on my part.

But do you think it would be better to say something like -
I was thinking of taking my profile down/ deleting it/ hiding it etc given that I haven't logged on in ages. Then I could ask him if he still has his up and if he would take it down as well. I don't think 5-months is too soon to consider doing that really. If he is hesitant or doesn't want to do this, then that is a red flag

I don't like the idea of people shopping around if you are seeing someone exclusively. And I've made that clear earlier to be honest

Do you think it could just be an app related thing?
Or people who get notifications and it shows them as being online? I have the desktop so have to physically log in if I wanted to check
POF has the tendency to show people who are online but they're not. Think it's just an app issue, which in fact is one of the many bugs the app has. I don't think confronting or catfishing is the right step here, I guess it's normal to be concerned but you've already laid down the foundations and you both seem to agree on it so just let things go from here.
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gjd800
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#11
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#11
I think it's a bit weird that yous both still have an account if you have something going on, 'defined' relationship or not. That said, if he is messing about and you collar him I can almost guarantee that he will use this relationship not being 'defined' as a cop-out clause.

It's worth bearing in mind though that sometimes simply having the app installed and having an active internet connection is enough to show you as 'online'.
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David B
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#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry. Yes thank you for the advice - you are right about it showing a lack of trust on my part.

But do you think it would be better to say something like -
I was thinking of taking my profile down/ deleting it/ hiding it etc given that I haven't logged on in ages. Then I could ask him if he still has his up and if he would take it down as well. I don't think 5-months is too soon to consider doing that really. If he is hesitant or doesn't want to do this, then that is a red flag

I don't like the idea of people shopping around if you are seeing someone exclusively. And I've made that clear earlier to be honest

Do you think it could just be an app related thing?
Or people who get notifications and it shows them as being online? I have the desktop so have to physically log in if I wanted to check
Why lie when you went on the app because the idea for his gift was on there. You did not do anything wrong and it was for him. So you can simply mention that this is what you did but noticed that he had been online while you went on it. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Be completely honest with him. Saying it was because you were thinking of deleting the app or w.e is worse of a reason. No point in creating lies in the relationship.
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em211997
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#13
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#13
Ask him about it. It might be a mistake, he might have been checking to see if you had been online idk. Don't do anything sly just be straightforward and tell him his profile was online and go from there. Don't be dishonest in making a fake profile because I think that makes you in the wrong also.
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Kravence
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#14
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#14
Ask your boyfriend if you can use his phone for a call or something then look to see if he has the app on his phone.
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Anonymous #1
#15
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#15
(Original post by UWS)
POF has the tendency to show people who are online but they're not. Think it's just an app issue, which in fact is one of the many bugs the app has. I don't think confronting or catfishing is the right step here, I guess it's normal to be concerned but you've already laid down the foundations and you both seem to agree on it so just let things go from here.
Thanks. When I googled this, there were tons of threads on the POF forums about it. It said online today though not online

I don't want to confront him from an 'I don't trust you' perspective. I guess I just don't want to get hurt because I do really like him and feel strongly about him
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Anonymous #1
#16
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#16
(Original post by gjd800)
I think it's a bit weird that yous both still have an account if you have something going on, 'defined' relationship or not. That said, if he is messing about and you collar him I can almost guarantee that he will use this relationship not being 'defined' as a cop-out clause.

It's worth bearing in mind though that sometimes simply having the app installed and having an active internet connection is enough to show you as 'online'.
Well. I have the account but I just never bothered to log on to delete it. I get an email every month with 'thank you for signing up' etc but I never check it.
When I have previously used it to send messages, and go on dates before this I never took it down just never logged on.
This is the longest I have dated an 'online' person to be honest so it hadn't come up previously

Hmm yes that could be a worry. We have both said that we are not seeing other people though/ exclusive.
Also whilst it isn't defined, he has said we are together so I don't get the impression he would be messing around
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gjd800
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#17
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#17
If you genuinely believe what you have just said then I think the likely culprit is his simply having the app installed and having an active internet connection (really).
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ANM775
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm getting rather worried now

I don't feel he was using me or anything like that - why would you be together for 5-months if so
Also he is about older - he's 32 and I'm 28 so I'd hope he isn't just messing me around

Anyone else?
my friend met his gf on pof and 6mths later was still sneakily logging on and chatting to other girls, he even met up with some of them, I was even there when he met one of them.

no excuse really to still being logging on if you're a faithful person.

your bf is either cheating on you or aspiring to cheat on you.

no doubt he will come up with some bs excuse as to why he is still on there if challenged, but the truth is he's at the very least window shopping for something better........
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Anonymous #1
#19
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
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(Original post by David B)
Why lie when you went on the app because the idea for his gift was on there. You did not do anything wrong and it was for him. So you can simply mention that this is what you did but noticed that he had been online while you went on it. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Be completely honest with him. Saying it was because you were thinking of deleting the app or w.e is worse of a reason. No point in creating lies in the relationship.
Yes thats true. It was completely innocent. I get what you are saying - I think that would be a better approach to the whole fake profile thing which would just awkward and show a complete lack of trust
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Anonymous #1
#20
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(Original post by ANM775)
my friend met his gf on pof and 6mths later was still sneakily logging on and chatting to other girls, he even met up with some of them, I was even there when he met one of them.

no excuse really to still being logging on if you're a faithful person.

your bf is either cheating on you or aspiring to cheat on you.

no doubt he will come up with some bs excuse as to why he is still on there if challenged, but the truth is he's at the very least window shopping for something better........

Hmm that is really worrying. Why not just not see or break up with someone if you are so intent on seeing and dating other people?!

I really don't think he is the sort which would do that. I don't like the idea of 'window shopping' if you have agreed to be exclusive and not see other people. So if this is the case, I would probably just end things now

If its just the app and he isn't using it to chat to other girls or meet up then surely he would have no issue deleting it? Or both of us hiding profiles/ deleting etc?
Thats why I thought of maybe bringing this up if I tell him I went online to check something for his gift, then saw him as online today, then see if we should just delete our profiles!
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