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How Do I Tell Her To Go Away?

Hi

I've just started my second year at uni and it's going great so far. However, a girl with whom I became familiar with in the first year has suddenly latched onto me, because her third year mates left at the end of last year.

A couple of times near the end of last year we had some pretty deep conversations and I fear I probably connected with her on a pretty subconscious level or something.. :s-smilie:

I like her but I find her highly annoying mostly and she makes me feel pretty awkward when we speak, although she doesn't try to do that specifically - it just happens naturally...

Anyways I'm normally walking around campus with my friends and she'll suddenly call me on my phone and want to meet up. I don't really want to lie to her and say 'I'm off campus at the moment' because the university I go to doesn't have many chill out points so it's easy for us to bump into each other, which will probably make it worse.

I just want to know how to let her down in the gentlest way possible. She's emotionally pretty unstable and eccentric, and I'm scared that anything I say might be taken in the wrong context. I mean I like her, but not her company.

Help! :redface:

EDIT: Just realised how long this is. Thanks to those who take the time to have a read through - much appreciated. :smile:

Reply 1

blahbloo

15

The only way she'll get the hint is the hardest way possible. It's not nice but it's the only way it'll work.

Reply 2

Nadinus

1

Hm. Personally I don't think I could say to someone straight "I don't want to talk to you"
I don't know much about your relationship with her (or what was a relationship) but to be honest, by getting in to deep conversations with her, you've given her the signal that you want to be friends with her, and that's not really her fault. I would suggest just being distant from her, don't show her emotions or anything personal. Be friendly but casual and uninvolved. She'll probably think you're a bit of a bitch for suddenly turning away from her, if she considers herself to be close to you, but I really think that's better than making her feel bad about herself by being blunt.

Reply 3

johnboy91

I'm in a similar situation at 6th form. Some lad's best friend recently left and he has no other mates so he tags along with me and my mates. Nobody likes him but we're kind and so let him "hang" with us in school, certainly not out. Hopefully he makes a new friend soon :s-smilie:

Reply 4

Philosoraptor

18

Hmm well she's at UCL too so she can't be that bad. :p:

Reply 5

katiemoore1990

OMG this is unreal. I have the same problem at Sixth Form except this girl refuses to talk. She just sits with us in silence and stares... But it would be worse in Uni because you don't get to say bye to her at 3.15pm. Let me tell you, I've distanced myself from my quieter 'friend' lately and loads of people keep coming up and talking to me now she isn't around.

I know it's not nice, but you've just got to push her in at the deep end and let her do her own thing.

It all boils down to this: would you rather save face by not telling her or would you like your independence back?

Good Luck!

Reply 6

princessdana1990

hey im in exactly the same situation at the minute i'm 'friends' with this girl who was always on the quieter side beacause she was friends with some people who were quite annoying and bitchy behind her back etc. so i befriended her because mostly i thought she was a nice girl deep down and could do with some friends. I thought that when we got into sixth form she would improve but she is unnaturally quiet and strange. ive met shy people before but she is way beyond compare im supposedly one of her 'closest friends' and she never gives anything away about herself even though ive been good friends with her for over a year. to be honest my patience is wearing a bit thin now and after having described the symptoms she exhibits to a medic they said it sounded like she had passive agressive syndrome. im sure she has this because she'll just do subtly nasty things like the other day , due to a shortage of text books in our sociology class she decided she would take the textbook home even though we both had an assessment essay to hand in. i didnt mind and asked very nicely if she could please photocopy the notes she said she would but for the rest of the day claimed she was busy all day despite sitting on her ass at lunchtime staring at me so i didnt have the proper notes for writing the essay and had to tell my teacher that i hadnt done it on time. not the best way to start a new term! and then borrow a book of a lad in the class. so i had 1 night to do an essay that i should have had 3 nights for. My friend who is good at psychoanalysing people said that it looked like she deliberately wanted me to fail . she does things like this all the time and like you i cant take much more of it. ive tried politely avoiding her but she doesnt get the message so i too need some adivce as to how to shake her off.

Reply 7

Dimebag

wesetters

No. I hate people who do that. Blunt honesty > insincere cowardice.

I hate people that think it's acceptable to be horrid or hurt someone's feelings just because they think they're being "real" by being blunt. There is always a way to say something tactfully.

Reply 8

username47781

20

Just be honest and tell her you can't meet her, you can't just put your life on hold for her.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

I was in a similar situation in my first year, and a bit in the second year as well- without too many details, a guy considered me his really close friend because I was one of the few people that didn't tell him to **** off in the first week. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I couldn't stand the sight of him and it got worse and worse- he was constantly calling, knocking on my door, etc. In the end I visited the Chaplain, who I knew he got along well with, and asked him to have a word. Maybe it was a wussy thing to do, but I knew that by getting the Chaplain involved, this guy had someone to talk to if he needed it. Is there someone similar that you could talk to? A welfare service or chaplain perhaps? You can't live your life for this girl.

Reply 10

Hel

Dimebag

I hate people that think it's acceptable to be horrid or hurt someone's feelings just because they think they're being "real" by being blunt. There is always a way to say something tactfully.

Cutting someone off with no explanation is equally hurtful as (if not more than) telling them that they're being too clingy and you don't want to spend as much time with them. I'd rather receive a blunt statement than be met with evasion-tactics (which really DO seem cowardly, sorry).

Reply 11

Dimebag

Hel

Cutting someone off with no explanation is equally hurtful as (if not more than) telling them that they're being too clingy and you don't want to spend as much time with them. I'd rather receive a blunt statement than be met with evasion-tactics (which really DO seem cowardly, sorry).

I agree with your first half, which is why I said there's always a way to say something tactfully.

But the second half implies the only two options are bluntness or evasion. The OP could sit her down and ask her if there's anything on her mind as she's been acting strange lately - gentle hints that try to be nice rather than confrontational. And there's nothing tactical about not answering your phone, you don't have an obligation to be permanently contactable. :smile:

EDIT: although I am willing to admit that, as a bloke, I may be simplifying things as we generally don't have this sort of problem! :wink:

Reply 12

Hel

Dimebag

I agree with your first half, which is why I said there's always a way to say something tactfully.

But the second half implies the only two options are bluntness or evasion. The OP could sit her down and ask her if there's anything on her mind as she's been acting strange lately - gentle hints that try to be nice rather than confrontational. And there's nothing tactical about not answering your phone, you don't have an obligation to be permanently contactable. :smile:

EDIT: although I am willing to admit that, as a bloke, I may be simplifying things as we generally don't have this sort of problem! :wink:

I agree that it's not good to jump in "go away, you're annoying" or anything - but while tact is the nicest way through these things, there are some people who just won't take hints. If the OP remains stuck with this girl even after tactfully trying to tell her she's being too intense and she'd rather just be casual buddies, it may very well come down to those two options: hide from her (the evasion tactics), or tell her to go away (the blunt attack). In which case, I'd always prefer the blunt way, whether I'm doing the telling or the listening. Speaking as someone who went to an all-girl school for seven years, I'm sick of the bloody mind-games and think people should just be honest to each others' faces!

(Oh, and while not answering your phone in itself may not be tactical, if it's part of a wider campaign of ignoring and cutting-off one person, then it certainly is!)

Reply 13

Nadinus

1

wesetters

No. I hate people who do that. Blunt honesty > insincere cowardice.

I'm not suggesting that she pretends to be friends with her, I just think this other girl doens't deserve to be hurt so bluntly. I wasn't saying CarlyStarlet should avoid her, either.
It is perfectly possible to get your message accross without being blunt about it, and it's not being insincere so long as she doens't go out her way to make her feel that she's a friend. I think it is in fact easier to just cut someone off and then not have anything to do with them, than to subtley get away.
She's clearly very sensitive, and will notice any change in her attitude towards her - if she was annoying, bolshy and thick-skinned I would probably suggest the blunt option, but I really don't think that's the way to do it.

Reply 14

CarlyStarlet

OP

Thanks for the replies guys but it's really difficult for me.

I can't be evasive as I'll feel bad that I'm avoiding her when she wants to talk to me, so that'll just make me more upset.

I can't be blunt to her because I just know she'll have a breakdown of some sort. Besides I don't think I've got it in me.

We've had multiple conversations in the past where she says "No one understands me better than you do blah blah" and I'm just thinking "For ****s sake woman I don't understand you either!" :frown:

Today was especially annoying. I was already sitting in my lecture when she suddenly ran up, gave me the the most stinging high five in front of everyone, and shouted "What's going on, Supergirl?". :s-smilie:

(Supergirl stems from the fact that when she was super depressed last year after her boyfriend dumped her I had a couple of deep conversations with her that helped to get her over it etc).

Sounds horrible but I wish I'd never done it now.. :frown:

I tried to act a little disinterested in her today by just cutting the conversation thread with a simple "yes" or "no" but it only gave her permission to be more talkative! And she talks about boring stuff. Like what her cat did yesterday. And what she does with her brothers. And I'm stuck with it! :frown:

/rant

EDIT: Never used so many sad smilies before in any of my posts, but that's how much this is affecting me now. She's like a leech.

Reply 15

Angrybanana

11

more adventurous

How the hell do you know she is a "loser" or a "crazy bitch"? :rolleyes:

Because it takes one to know one, looking at their post.

Reply 16

Dimebag

Sorry to sound flippant, but this reminds me of that Friends episode where they keep talking about cutting each other out! :laugh:

Seriously, I'm all out of ideas. Good luck though. :frown:

Reply 17

Hel

Dimebag

Sorry to sound flippant, but this reminds me of that Friends episode where they keep talking about cutting each other out! :laugh:

Haha, me too!

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

CarlyStarlet

Thanks for the replies guys but it's really difficult for me.

I can't be evasive as I'll feel bad that I'm avoiding her when she wants to talk to me, so that'll just make me more upset.

I can't be blunt to her because I just know she'll have a breakdown of some sort. Besides I don't think I've got it in me.

We've had multiple conversations in the past where she says "No one understands me better than you do blah blah" and I'm just thinking "For ****s sake woman I don't understand you either!" :frown:

Today was especially annoying. I was already sitting in my lecture when she suddenly ran up, gave me the the most stinging high five in front of everyone, and shouted "What's going on, Supergirl?". :s-smilie:

(Supergirl stems from the fact that when she was super depressed last year after her boyfriend dumped her I had a couple of deep conversations with her that helped to get her over it etc).

Sounds horrible but I wish I'd never done it now.. :frown:

I tried to act a little disinterested in her today by just cutting the conversation thread with a simple "yes" or "no" but it only gave her permission to be more talkative! And she talks about boring stuff. Like what her cat did yesterday. And what she does with her brothers. And I'm stuck with it! :frown:

/rant

EDIT: Never used so many sad smilies before in any of my posts, but that's how much this is affecting me now. She's like a leech.

The more details you give, the more similar it sounds to what I went through- the guy would constantly tell me how down he was so I kept thinking 'I can't tell him I don't want to see him, he'll be devastated and might do something stupid'. He couldn't take hints such as me not answering my phone or 'I'm working, you can't really come in'. But in the end it got so I didn't want to go back to uni after the holidays. I agonised for weeks over it, and I still feel guilty sometimes, but I was having a hard enough time as it was, I couldn't be his crutch as well. You have to do something about it! Write down all the points you can think of about why it's bothering you (obviously keep it somewhere nobody will read it); it might help you think of a way to break it to her nicely. Is there a mutual 'friend' that could maybe have a word?

Reply 19

Sithius

16

Be honest; no messing about. It's your life not hers. :smile:

How Do I Tell Her To Go Away?

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