Choose not to live?

Hey dno what i want to gain from this and i not been a student for 2years now so i dno if im even allowed to post here, and half of the stuf i wana write about i dno how to put it, most prob wont even get it across too well. i remember a year or 2ago on this forum reading this section and thinging how pathetic people were / stupid for being depressed or saying certain things (i know alot of posts here are from people taking the piss, trying to come up with silly threds) an right now the only place i could think of to get some input was here...
i dropped outa uni some years ago after maybe a month of going in, i did the usual smoked weed went out, shagged girls, took pills/ket/coke had a laugh. I had a few girlfriends and jobs over last 2years maybe moved cities a bit just normal kinda thing all my friends are doing. Im livin with one of my friends whos at uni now and doing the same kind of thing but for the last maybe 6months iv been having some bad thoughts about everything.. totally differentt perspective that i would have had a year ago.
in the day when im with people i dont think about anything, perfectly normal i can distract myself with anything, goin to the pub or playin a bit of football.. All my friends/family would tell you im the happiest person they know. i have NEVER told my problems to any1, not my family or gf of a year i dont like to share - a problem shared is a problem doubled? 2 people worrying about it.

NOTHING BAD at all has happened to me not lost a friend/relative, no bad relationship, none of that stuff. But at night and when im alone i just get really... its not upset but feel ****? i really cant explain... and im so sure i want to kil myself.. no rush cos it makes no dif but im feeling so frustrated (not really the right word again) its alot bigger than that to me though. Iv over the last 2months or so written a letter to everyone important to me (alot of writing, i dont sleep so best time) like a suicide letter but more upbeat trying to explain why ive @done@ it (i not found a decent way to explain cos i cant say boohoo my mum died or any of that **** i just feel like i dont wana do this) and ive got like 10x as much of a chemical needed to kil myself, couldnt slit my wrists, an a lil plan sorted about the practical side of thgings, ive gone out a few nights with the intention but sitting there iv always talked myself outa it on the basis of what if i changed my mind tomorrow... what dif does it make waiting a week

its not the pointless of life (i dont believe in god and find the idea laughable, something made to answer questions...) infact to me that just says that if life is all you get then its ultimatly important and have the best time you can. And i dont think im depressed (dont know much about what that is). No aspect of england or how im forced to live that realy gets me... although i cant get my head round how a government can not let me smoke weed or beat a guy to death thats just raed and killed my son(id go to jail)

is it wrong to kil yourself, surely its my chocie to do so.. im not blinded by sadness its jsut how i feel. If i won the lottery now it wouldnt change how i feel its not about circumstance... i realy cant explain. sry iv put this forward all wrong... one of the main reasons i could never even talk about it to my bestfriend if i cant explain what i mean theres no point and i know what they would say its pretty obvious. dno what i want, a few clever words? and no dont say talk to people id end up in a padded cell or something lol

i find it very hard to express in words as im sure you can see...

i jsut read through what i wrote, what a pile of **** lol not very flowing and kinda repepetive... almost didnt post it

Reply 1

Laus

I think you may have depression. I mean, having suicidal thoughts is a symptom of depression for one... as is feeling **** and by the sound of your post, inexplicable. Depression doesn't have to be circumstantial. Perhaps stuff that you've been doing has started to catch up on you. Do you have any regrets about dropping out of university? Did you see your life panning out this way?

Drugs can really mess with your mind too. My brother used to be a drug addict and four years down the line (he went to rehab and is now married) he still has paranoid thoughts and occasional anxiety (e.g. pains in chest). The longer you are on drugs, the worse it will get. You may feel fine now but if you carry on abusing your body this horrible feeling will increase ten fold.

Although your circumstances seem OK to you, you obviously aren't very happy with your life. If you were, you'd feel motivated to live it and to be the best that you can be in life. Perhaps you need some routine or stability? Sometimes giving yourself a focus or taking up a new hobby can make you feel better about yourself (for example, going to the gym).

I don't think you should kill yourself. Ultimately it is up to you but you've got to remember that you have family, friends and a girlfriend to live for. You may not be feeling much but I'm pretty sure they would be devastated if they lost you. Perhaps you should talk to someone about this? If you don't feel comfortable talking to a close friend or family member then why don't you consider ringing a helpline or visiting your GP? It wont do you any harm. I don't think you need to be padded up in a cell or anything like that but I do believe you would benefit from talking to someone. There's no shame in talking about how you feel. There are many possibilities as to why you feel like this.

The reason it isn't right to kill a guy is because two wrongs do not make a right (although I don't know how I'd react in the example you put forward...). Each life is valuable what ever you may think. Behind every person is a story -if one person dies many people suffer...adding to that suffering will not put the world to right.

As for the weed thing... I can't really comment. It messed with my brother's mind but I can understand the whole escapism thing. It may make you feel good at the time but it wont help you in the long-term.

Please hang on in there. You have a future ahead of you and you wont feel like this forever. I know what it's like to feel so frustrated (I'm suffering from depression at the moment) but I think it's good to work on getting better rather than taking your own life. Student or not, you have our support here on TSR. Please keep us posted.

Laus