The Student Room Group

Why am I like this?

Overall im 22 and ever since I left school Ive not had any friends and just had panic attacks, not been able to cope and everyone says I have too much self pity. Theres nothing massivly wrong with me but I seem to be obbsessed with myself, how I look and am constantly judging myself and comparing my myself to others. The biggest problem is that Ive always been really quiet and people say I speak in a monotone voice lol but im too embarrased to do normal stuff like sing or cry in front of people even my family. I

don't know why but I feel really uncomfortable being thought of as the same as everyone else, hence the not crying etc. :confused: When I first meet people Im just as talkative as everyone else but then I go quiet and only speak when I have a joke or something funny to say. I don't get it but anyway im wondering why I can't seem to make friends. Im in a tennis club and the people there are way more confident than me they have careers etc and they more or less ignore me when I speak unless im on my own with one of them, even then they are quiet with me. Im obviously just not their type but I make them laugh with saying stupid stuff (though they don't know im joking lol) to get attention. Its pathetic but its like this everywhere I can't make friends. Any ideas? Why am I so odd?
Reply 1
Confidence is the key to everything in life. You need some. Go down a new road in life - travel a bit for instance.
Reply 2
^^ yep travelling is good and u need to do something to help boost your confidence
To me, it depends on how you view life.

First of all, don't beat yourself so much. It's clear that you want to change and are trying but always hit the same obstacles every time. These obstacles take TIME and effort to climb. They don't disappear in a second. That means most importantly, there will certainly be times of failure. But your going to lift yourself up each time you make a mistake. Fall back 3 steps, climb back up 4 steps. You'll see the gradual change.
Reply 4
Anonymous
Overall im 22 and ever since I left school Ive not had any friends and just had panic attacks,


Can I ask what you have been doing since you left school? It is not uncommon, for example, for people to find that university social life simply didn't work with them. It's all too easy for things to go wrong in the first few weeks, and before you know it you're spending your first year just shuttling by yourself between your digs and your lectures-and having not made any friends in the first year you might find yourself alone for the second and third years too. That kind of solitude can kill anyone's self esteem.

On a similar note, when did you last have a succesful relationship, if ever?
Reply 5
ShaolinTemple
To me, it depends on how you view life.

First of all, don't beat yourself so much. It's clear that you want to change and are trying but always hit the same obstacles every time. These obstacles take TIME and effort to climb. They don't disappear in a second. That means most importantly, there will certainly be times of failure. But your going to lift yourself up each time you make a mistake. Fall back 3 steps, climb back up 4 steps. You'll see the gradual change.


Ok thanks, its just I feel stupid trying to join in a conversation as I say something then no one acknowledges me, try again, no answer then I look around and theres someone staring at me lol, I feel like a right pratt. The only solution I can see is to try and be more like them and make a story up that I went out clubbing etc. I know this is the lowest of the lowest but its the only way lol. No one likes me as I am, 22 living with parents, no friends and a pet mouse lol.

As for the travelling yea I was thinking of joing the TA in a few years when Ive finished studying. Just trying to think of how to get people to like me now, not that they hate me but im just a nerd.
Reply 6
Cowz
Can I ask what you have been doing since you left school? It is not uncommon, for example, for people to find that university social life simply didn't work with them. It's all too easy for things to go wrong in the first few weeks, and before you know it you're spending your first year just shuttling by yourself between your digs and your lectures-and having not made any friends in the first year you might find yourself alone for the second and third years too. That kind of solitude can kill anyone's self esteem.

On a similar note, when did you last have a succesful relationship, if ever?


After I finished A levels I went to university but quit after the second year i just didn't think it would give me a future and was anxious all the time, even though I lived at home. I collapsed at the bus stop which didn't help as I was scared of it happening again in public. Anyway I got another job which was temporary and started going to the gym working out etc, I still do this yet it doesn't make me feel any better:confused:

Im about to start a new job and am promising myself I will stick it out even if I hate it, I don't want to be one of these people who is unemployed all there life but its hard to see a future with the anxiety.

I think all that is a different issue to not being able to make friends though, as even when I was really confident in high school I didn't fit in and only had one friend. Is it just my personality?
Reply 7
Im trying to put making friends as my main priority as this would probably giv eme the most confidence.
Reply 8
Anonymous
Im trying to put making friends as my main priority as this would probably give me the most confidence.


I think the fact you have 'making friends' as a main priority suggests you have a developed a personality flaw. I know being lonely can be incredibly hard, but you have to change your mindset otherwise you'll just come across as desperate.

Anonymous
Anyway I got another job which was temporary and started going to the gym working out etc, I still do this yet it doesn't make me feel any better:confused:

Im about to start a new job and am promising myself I will stick it out even if I hate it


NO! NO! NO! People hate attention seekers-you will not make any friends doing that I promise you.

You seem to equate confidence to making friends. Outwardly confident people, like the people who have a catalogue of funny stories or jokes for every occasion etc., are often tearing themselves up inside. Outward appearance will never make up for inner confidence-why some body builders are never happy with their body (and that's why going the gym is doing next to nothing for your self-confidence). Unconfident people rely on humour/clothes/facial hair whatever to give themselves a confidence boost, which is what you sem to be doing. Fine, telling a joke will ensure you're involved in the conversation at some level, but if that's all you have then people will get bored of you pretty quickly.

My advice to you is to change your perspective and try and be more natural in your approach to making friends. For example, living with your parents at 22 is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of so stop worrying about it. Secondly, when you meet people how are they to now you haven't got any friends? The won't, so don't worry about it-not that you should be worried if people know that anyway. Thirdly, don't be afraid to be shy infront of people. I mean, I know you are shy but don't be afraid to show it rather than hide it with humour or whatever. Be the quiet one at the party-that way you can talk to the other quiet people. Finally and most importantly, don't expect to make friends just because the oppurtunity is there. This applies to your new job. Most work colleagues won't be exactly over the moon about meeting a co-worker outside of a work environment/get together. Afterall, they'll associate you with work. However, do aim to get along with your colleagues give yourself as many oppurtunities as possible to talk to people and so on.

PS-what hobbies do you have?
Reply 9
Cowz
I think the fact you have 'making friends' as a main priority suggests you have a developed a personality flaw. I know being lonely can be incredibly hard, but you have to change your mindset otherwise you'll just come across as desperate.



NO! NO! NO! People hate attention seekers-you will not make any friends doing that I promise you.

You seem to equate confidence to making friends. Outwardly confident people, like the people who have a catalogue of funny stories or jokes for every occasion etc., are often tearing themselves up inside. Outward appearance will never make up for inner confidence-why some body builders are never happy with their body (and that's why going the gym is doing next to nothing for your self-confidence). Unconfident people rely on humour/clothes/facial hair whatever to give themselves a confidence boost, which is what you sem to be doing. Fine, telling a joke will ensure you're involved in the conversation at some level, but if that's all you have then people will get bored of you pretty quickly.

My advice to you is to change your perspective and try and be more natural in your approach to making friends. For example, living with your parents at 22 is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of so stop worrying about it. Secondly, when you meet people how are they to now you haven't got any friends? The won't, so don't worry about it-not that you should be worried if people know that anyway. Thirdly, don't be afraid to be shy infront of people. I mean, I know you are shy but don't be afraid to show it rather than hide it with humour or whatever. Be the quiet one at the party-that way you can talk to the other quiet people. Finally and most importantly, don't expect to make friends just because the oppurtunity is there. This applies to your new job. Most work colleagues won't be exactly over the moon about meeting a co-worker outside of a work environment/get together. Afterall, they'll associate you with work. However, do aim to get along with your colleagues give yourself as many oppurtunities as possible to talk to people and so on.

PS-what hobbies do you have?


Hey thanks for all that! About the looking desperate Im aware of that and try to avoid it as I don't want to pester people and talk when they don't want to but at the same time I don't want to be quiet. My hobbies are just the gym, tennis and music really and my mouse lol which I never mention. The people my age at my tennis club don't really talk about tennis much they talk more about clubbing, going out and people they know so I can't contribute much, I end up saying quick things like 'its going to rain', 'I nearly tripped up then' and asking them how their night out went. Im just not interesting or at least I don't appear it to them. Same with lots of other people my age.
I'l take your word though about the new job its only bank work so it will be hard to meet people if im only a support worker.
Reply 10
Anonymous
Hey thanks for all that! About the looking desperate Im aware of that and try to avoid it as I don't want to pester people and talk when they don't want to but at the same time I don't want to be quiet. My hobbies are just the gym, tennis and music really and my mouse lol which I never mention. The people my age at my tennis club don't really talk about tennis much they talk more about clubbing, going out and people they know so I can't contribute much, I end up saying quick things like 'its going to rain', 'I nearly tripped up then' and asking them how their night out went. Im just not interesting or at least I don't appear it to them. Same with lots of other people my age.
I'l take your word though about the new job its only bank work so it will be hard to meet people if im only a support worker.


Cool cool. Personally I can't stand it when people talk about their nights out and never feel the need to contribute anyway, even if I was on the night out.

Hmmm, your hobbies aren't overly socialable if you get my drift. For someone in your position it might be worth deliberately finding a hobbie to open up oppurtunities to socialise. You say you're into music, so for example, if you play any musical instruments (no matter how badly) then answer some band ads. You should be able to make friends with the band and if you ever play at anyones party etc. you'll find people talking to you no matter what. That's what I did when I was 17, got me a girlfriend and to loads of parties and all that.

Another idea would be to do some volunteer work-your fellow volunteers will be keen to get to know you. It is a work environment, but it will be much more happy as everyone their wants to be there surrounded and to associate with the type of people there. You could also enrol on some college courses (which could be useful and fun anyway), college folk and students in general are usually very keen to socialise and 'network' and all that. Especially on some courses like sayyyyy an art diploma course :p:

Anyway the basic idea is to find something where you will meet people, and hopefully the same people, reguarly. I'm guessing that your tennis club can't take up much mroe than a couple of hours per week and everyone there kind of plays tennis and runs? But with like say a band, its integral (and inevitable) that the members get to know and get along with each other-if the band keeps going anyway. You'll perhaps be spending entire saturdays practising and discussing ideas etc. and you'll soon find yourself in the pub with the other members etc. The same would apply to volunteer work.