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My obsession with getting into a relationship is not too great

I'm in my early 20s, 1st year of uni, and I've never been in a "long "term" relationship before.

it's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about it way more than I'd like to be, it's making friendships with female friends more stressful, distracting me from real problems like work, and making me worry about my own mental health.

I'm at the point where I'd just like to be in a relationship for the sake of getting over this obsession, though obviously that doesn't sound like it would be a very healthy relationship in the long run.

I'm very honest with myself, and I've considered it might be a lack of intimacy or affection that's the real problem, though I'm not too sure about that either. I tend to overthink a lot of things and I'd much prefer if I didn't.

I'm assuming it's a pretty normal thing for people to feel, it's a pretty basic human need after all, I just feel like this is bugging me way more than it should be.

I just wanted to post here to see if anyone else has faced similar problems, or has some sort of solution.

tl;dr:
Kinda longing for a relationship and it's stressing me out
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in my early 20s, 1st year of uni, and I've never been in a "long "term" relationship before.

it's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about it way more than I'd like to be, it's making friendships with female friends more stressful, distracting me from real problems like work, and making me worry about my own mental health.

I'm at the point where I'd just like to be in a relationship for the sake of getting over this obsession, though obviously that doesn't sound like it would be a very healthy relationship in the long run.

I'm very honest with myself, and I've considered it might be a lack of intimacy or affection that's the real problem, though I'm not too sure about that either. I tend to overthink a lot of things and I'd much prefer if I didn't.

I'm assuming it's a pretty normal thing for people to feel, it's a pretty basic human need after all, I just feel like this is bugging me way more than it should be.

I just wanted to post here to see if anyone else has faced similar problems, or has some sort of solution.

tl;dr:
Kinda longing for a relationship and it's stressing me out


Being obsessed and needy is not a good look.
You are in danger of displaying the characteristics that potential partners will smell and run a mile from.

Learn to like yourself and improve your self esteem. Someone else will be less important then and increased self confidence will make you more attractive.
Reply 2
Original post by 999tigger
Being obsessed and needy is not a good look.
You are in danger of displaying the characteristics that potential partners will smell and run a mile from.

Learn to like yourself and improve your self esteem. Someone else will be less important then and increased self confidence will make you more attractive.


thanks I appreciate the reply, I'm working on improving my self-esteem, and myself as a person. I'd just like this desire for a relationship to take a backseat until I meet the right person. it's just a little frustrating even at the best of times
Original post by Anonymous
thanks I appreciate the reply, I'm working on improving my self-esteem, and myself as a person. I'd just like this desire for a relationship to take a backseat until I meet the right person. it's just a little frustrating even at the best of times


Live your life and be happy n yourself without the need for others. that will make you more attractive and less worrisome. You also need to think if you get into one then can you sustain it? It isnt some magic solution and they have downs as well as ups.
Reply 4
Original post by 999tigger
Live your life and be happy n yourself without the need for others.


I don't think I'd enjoy my life if I didn't have others around me, I feel that's a bit of a silly thing to suggest when social interaction is a basic human need. It's all well and good saying "be happy with yourself" and "be positive" and all that stuff, but in practice it's a lot harder. I wouldn't mind some advice on ways I can start thinking positive
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think I'd enjoy my life if I didn't have others around me, I feel that's a bit of a silly thing to suggest when social interaction is a basic human need. It's all well and good saying "be happy with yourself" and "be positive" and all that stuff, but in practice it's a lot harder. I wouldn't mind some advice on ways I can start thinking positive


Other people manage it. Even if being in a couple is your ultimate aim. you rae going to attract more people if you arent needy and dont think the other person is the solution to all your problems. You should do whats possible rather than drive yourself into unhappiness expecting something else to sort you out. Your way of thinking doesnt help you. Some CBT therapy, mindfulness thinking or self esteem training would help you gain more confidence. A more confident you is going to worry less and be more attractive. It all very well being obsessed, but you should consider whether you are going to help yourself to increase your skills and personality to get a partner.

You are in danger of idealising it too much.

Lots of people are single.
Plenty of relationships can be unhappy in a relationship.
Without some effort, then lots of relationships end quickly.

Just be realistic.

Get in good shape., socialise more, learn to flirt. They are all doing things to increase your chances and making the most of yourself compared to passive obsession.
Being honest with yourself is the first step- which you have taken, this is already a positive.
You are also right that its human nature to want companionship, but you are also right that being in a relationship for the sake of indulging your obsession is unhealthy.

The other posters are right in saying you need to love yourself and be positive on your own before you can have a healthy non obsessive attitude towards relationships, but I understand the hard part is how to do that.

There is lots of things you can try, it's just trying to find something that works for you.
Speaking from personal experience, I found taking up sport activities incredibly rewarding when I was having trouble with self esteem, anxiety relating to relationships. Especially when it is working towards a goal.

You begin to love yourself more, forget all the crap, and spend more time with friends, eventually the rest of it will fall in to place naturally.

CBT therapy can be beneficial for some people.

Doing things for yourself that you enjoy can help. Is there something that you have ever really wanted to do? Travelling? Learn a new skill?
Do it, and if you cant afford to do it, save up - it's another goal for you.

Don't worry about female friendships just now, stick with the male friends for now if it helps, if you have female friends that are close you can just explain what your situation is. They may even be able to help you more since they know you personally .
I crave intimacy and affection.
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
Being honest with yourself is the first step- which you have taken, this is already a positive.
You are also right that its human nature to want companionship, but you are also right that being in a relationship for the sake of indulging your obsession is unhealthy.

The other posters are right in saying you need to love yourself and be positive on your own before you can have a healthy non obsessive attitude towards relationships, but I understand the hard part is how to do that.

There is lots of things you can try, it's just trying to find something that works for you.
Speaking from personal experience, I found taking up sport activities incredibly rewarding when I was having trouble with self esteem, anxiety relating to relationships. Especially when it is working towards a goal.

You begin to love yourself more, forget all the crap, and spend more time with friends, eventually the rest of it will fall in to place naturally.

CBT therapy can be beneficial for some people.

Doing things for yourself that you enjoy can help. Is there something that you have ever really wanted to do? Travelling? Learn a new skill?
Do it, and if you cant afford to do it, save up - it's another goal for you.

Don't worry about female friendships just now, stick with the male friends for now if it helps, if you have female friends that are close you can just explain what your situation is. They may even be able to help you more since they know you personally .


this is really good advice actually. I'm very comfortable with being honest with people and myself, as it makes me feel like I'm growing as a person. I'm just rather annoyed at myself as whenever in make friends with a girl I can't help but think of what it would be like if we ended up together. I think way too much for my own good.
Original post by Anonymous
this is really good advice actually. I'm very comfortable with being honest with people and myself, as it makes me feel like I'm growing as a person. I'm just rather annoyed at myself as whenever in make friends with a girl I can't help but think of what it would be like if we ended up together. I think way too much for my own good.


Being open about is definitely a step forward, have you spoke about this to any of your friends? Boy or girl?

Easier said than done, but try not to get angry about it. It could be feeding your self esteem issues. Try not to think about it, you know you can't make advances on ALL these girls.
If you feel yourself fantasizing about them, take a step back. go hang out with some guys.
If you want to hang out with girls, do it in a group scenario, where there are boys and girls.
To put it simply, the best way to solve your problem is to just stop caring. I've been in your position before, taken a lot of rejection and failure, until I learned that failure makes you a stronger person. Eventually I just stopped giving a **** about girls and their manipulative behaviour, and started focusing on myself more. I wished I had realised that earlier - it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I've already accepted that I won't find anyone until my late 30's/early 40's, and I'm fine with that so I don't pursue girls as much any more. I enjoy my life, I work hard, I have a close circle of friends and I'm doing well despite the lack of a girlfriend. I work out, I perform on stage and I have a good career ahead of me, hopefully. My advice to you is to stop making an effort with girls as it will only wind you up further. Look to yourself and make the most of what you have now. Get in the gym, make some gains, find a hobby, study hard, earn some money and make something of your life. Stand your ground, don't take any BS from people and ignore anyone who says you're being "needy" or "desperate" because everyone goes through those emotions at some point during their lives. At times like this you need to keep your friends and family close and maybe even get used to enjoying your own company sometimes. All these things will go towards improving your confidence and self-esteem, and that's when the girls will come to you. Until then, there's nothing wrong with striking out on your own.

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