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Recently engaged, but can't stop thinking of a crush

Hello there.
I've had a crush on a guy for five years now. We worked together for about a year and I always felt nervous around him because I found him to be cute and have a good personality. I always assumed he wouldn't ever be into me because he seems way out of my league; however, he texted me for the first time about work, then added me on Snapchat, and would send snaps with flirty captions such as "you're cute" or "you seem like such a sweetheart" or asking if I would like to hang out. Because I figured he would never like a girl like me, I didn't think he was being flirty; I assumed he was just saying silly things especially when he was intoxicated. The thing is, I've been in a relationship while this other guy was sending flirty messages. Due to that, and the fact that I didn't think he was being flirty, I would usually respond with a simple "thank you" and change the subject. However, I liked receiving such messages from him from the start. I mean, to finally be flirted with by my crush of almost five years! But I know this is unacceptable behavior while in a relationship. At first I mentioned the messages to my then-boyfriend (now fiance), but after a little while I became more secretive about hiding the fact that I was still in communication with this other man.

I know what I did was not okay, and I recognize that it was crossing the line, if not full on emotional infidelity.

My now fiance and I took a brief break/break up, and when we got back together, he proposed shortly after. I was happy and accepted, but I can't stop thinking of the guy I still have a crush on. I feel terribly guilty. I don't communicate with him anymore, but only because my fiance made me unfriend him on Snapchat. I was intoxicated recently and became incredibly sad, and the first person I wanted to talk to was my crush; I tried to add him back on Snapchat to talk to him, but thankfully I was too drunk to find him on Snapchat. I've reached out to him via Snapchat before when I was drunk and sad.

What are your thoughts about the situation and what I should do? Do you think I have simply idealized my crush in all these years of crushing on him? I mean, I don't even know him well. How can I stop thinking about him, and wanting to turn to him when drunk and feeling sad?

I apologize for the long explanation. Thanks for any input!

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Original post by Anonymous
Hello there.
I've had a crush on a guy for five years now. We worked together for about a year and I always felt nervous around him because I found him to be cute and have a good personality. I always assumed he wouldn't ever be into me because he seems way out of my league; however, he texted me for the first time about work, then added me on Snapchat, and would send snaps with flirty captions such as "you're cute" or "you seem like such a sweetheart" or asking if I would like to hang out. Because I figured he would never like a girl like me, I didn't think he was being flirty; I assumed he was just saying silly things especially when he was intoxicated. The thing is, I've been in a relationship while this other guy was sending flirty messages. Due to that, and the fact that I didn't think he was being flirty, I would usually respond with a simple "thank you" and change the subject. However, I liked receiving such messages from him from the start. I mean, to finally be flirted with by my crush of almost five years! But I know this is unacceptable behavior while in a relationship. At first I mentioned the messages to my then-boyfriend (now fiance), but after a little while I became more secretive about hiding the fact that I was still in communication with this other man.

I know what I did was not okay, and I recognize that it was crossing the line, if not full on emotional infidelity.

My now fiance and I took a brief break/break up, and when we got back together, he proposed shortly after. I was happy and accepted, but I can't stop thinking of the guy I still have a crush on. I feel terribly guilty. I don't communicate with him anymore, but only because my fiance made me unfriend him on Snapchat. I was intoxicated recently and became incredibly sad, and the first person I wanted to talk to was my crush; I tried to add him back on Snapchat to talk to him, but thankfully I was too drunk to find him on Snapchat. I've reached out to him via Snapchat before when I was drunk and sad.

What are your thoughts about the situation and what I should do? Do you think I have simply idealized my crush in all these years of crushing on him? I mean, I don't even know him well. How can I stop thinking about him, and wanting to turn to him when drunk and feeling sad?

I apologize for the long explanation. Thanks for any input!


:facepalm:
seriously?
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
Hello there.
I've had a crush on a guy for five years now. We worked together for about a year and I always felt nervous around him because I found him to be cute and have a good personality. I always assumed he wouldn't ever be into me because he seems way out of my league; however, he texted me for the first time about work, then added me on Snapchat, and would send snaps with flirty captions such as "you're cute" or "you seem like such a sweetheart" or asking if I would like to hang out. Because I figured he would never like a girl like me, I didn't think he was being flirty; I assumed he was just saying silly things especially when he was intoxicated. The thing is, I've been in a relationship while this other guy was sending flirty messages. Due to that, and the fact that I didn't think he was being flirty, I would usually respond with a simple "thank you" and change the subject. However, I liked receiving such messages from him from the start. I mean, to finally be flirted with by my crush of almost five years! But I know this is unacceptable behavior while in a relationship. At first I mentioned the messages to my then-boyfriend (now fiance), but after a little while I became more secretive about hiding the fact that I was still in communication with this other man.

I know what I did was not okay, and I recognize that it was crossing the line, if not full on emotional infidelity.

My now fiance and I took a brief break/break up, and when we got back together, he proposed shortly after. I was happy and accepted, but I can't stop thinking of the guy I still have a crush on. I feel terribly guilty. I don't communicate with him anymore, but only because my fiance made me unfriend him on Snapchat. I was intoxicated recently and became incredibly sad, and the first person I wanted to talk to was my crush; I tried to add him back on Snapchat to talk to him, but thankfully I was too drunk to find him on Snapchat. I've reached out to him via Snapchat before when I was drunk and sad.

What are your thoughts about the situation and what I should do? Do you think I have simply idealized my crush in all these years of crushing on him? I mean, I don't even know him well. How can I stop thinking about him, and wanting to turn to him when drunk and feeling sad?

I apologize for the long explanation. Thanks for any input!


In my opinion it's OK to fancy somebody else while in a relationship so long as you don't cheat. Has anything happened other than a bit of flirting? Does he still go after you at work? If you think that you like him more than your fiance then let your fiance go.

Maybe you should take a bit of a break from both of them. Help you get your head clear so you can understand what you want more clearly. If you think you can be just friends with this the guy without cheating then maybe that is the best way forward.
Pick one and if it's your fiancé then cut the other guy out of your life
Original post by Anonymous
Hello there.
I've had a crush on a guy for five years now. We worked together for about a year and I always felt nervous around him because I found him to be cute and have a good personality. I always assumed he wouldn't ever be into me because he seems way out of my league; however, he texted me for the first time about work, then added me on Snapchat, and would send snaps with flirty captions such as "you're cute" or "you seem like such a sweetheart" or asking if I would like to hang out. Because I figured he would never like a girl like me, I didn't think he was being flirty; I assumed he was just saying silly things especially when he was intoxicated. The thing is, I've been in a relationship while this other guy was sending flirty messages. Due to that, and the fact that I didn't think he was being flirty, I would usually respond with a simple "thank you" and change the subject. However, I liked receiving such messages from him from the start. I mean, to finally be flirted with by my crush of almost five years! But I know this is unacceptable behavior while in a relationship. At first I mentioned the messages to my then-boyfriend (now fiance), but after a little while I became more secretive about hiding the fact that I was still in communication with this other man.

I know what I did was not okay, and I recognize that it was crossing the line, if not full on emotional infidelity.

My now fiance and I took a brief break/break up, and when we got back together, he proposed shortly after. I was happy and accepted, but I can't stop thinking of the guy I still have a crush on. I feel terribly guilty. I don't communicate with him anymore, but only because my fiance made me unfriend him on Snapchat. I was intoxicated recently and became incredibly sad, and the first person I wanted to talk to was my crush; I tried to add him back on Snapchat to talk to him, but thankfully I was too drunk to find him on Snapchat. I've reached out to him via Snapchat before when I was drunk and sad.

What are your thoughts about the situation and what I should do? Do you think I have simply idealized my crush in all these years of crushing on him? I mean, I don't even know him well. How can I stop thinking about him, and wanting to turn to him when drunk and feeling sad?

I apologize for the long explanation. Thanks for any input!


Your fiance isnt right for you otherwise you wouldnt be posting this distraction. take a break and say you arent ready to be engaged and you got swept along. Its not fair on him unless its right and you need time to think.

Explore the crush. He probably isnt right for you either as they are idealised. that said you cna get him out of your system.

Its unfair on your fiance to get engaged if you dont feel the same way. Dont marry someone you arent 100% committed to.
Reply 5
While I agree it's normal to have innocent little soft spots for people here and there while in a relationship, it sounds as though it's long past that stage for you. The most worrying thing for me is that your crush is the person you want to turn to first when you feel bad, not your partner (even if your partner is the one that made you feel bad that time). Running to friends in a time like that is understandable but running to a crush is dangerous.

It doesn't sound like there's a lot of trust in the relationship and clearly your partner has doubts and worries when he made you delete the guy. If you are serious about actually getting married or even just progressing with this relationship, I suggest you take a long, hard think about who and what you actually want as right now, it sounds like you are leading both yourself and your partner on which isn't healthy and will only hurt you both even more further down the line.

Posted from TSR Mobile
It seems like me you aren't ready to be engaged or in a relationship with your current partner. How can you promise to devote your love to him if you are always thinking about your crush and wanting to contact him when you are drunk? Think about the feelings of your partner. If it was me, I would have a honest talk with your partner and take some time apart, figure out what you really want. You need some time to be alone, consider what is valuable to you in life. If you stay together, and you keep thinking about your crush, things will get a lot worse in the future.
Reply 7
Original post by Bham369
In my opinion it's OK to fancy somebody else while in a relationship so long as you don't cheat. Has anything happened other than a bit of flirting? Does he still go after you at work? If you think that you like him more than your fiance then let your fiance go.

Maybe you should take a bit of a break from both of them. Help you get your head clear so you can understand what you want more clearly. If you think you can be just friends with this the guy without cheating then maybe that is the best way forward.
This. You can't help who you fancy, but you can control what you do with it.

Also, Sod's Law says that you'll like your crush all the more for knowing you shouldn't do anything. I imagine that's happened to us all.
Reply 8
Original post by Spock's Socks
While I agree it's normal to have innocent little soft spots for people here and there while in a relationship, it sounds as though it's long past that stage for you. The most worrying thing for me is that your crush is the person you want to turn to first when you feel bad, not your partner (even if your partner is the one that made you feel bad that time). Running to friends in a time like that is understandable but running to a crush is dangerous.

It doesn't sound like there's a lot of trust in the relationship and clearly your partner has doubts and worries when he made you delete the guy. If you are serious about actually getting married or even just progressing with this relationship, I suggest you take a long, hard think about who and what you actually want as right now, it sounds like you are leading both yourself and your partner on which isn't healthy and will only hurt you both even more further down the line.

Posted from TSR Mobile


Excellent advise. I completely agree with this.
Doesn't sound the most healthy relationship, almost seems like you feel trapped. The fact you are posting here asking about this crush suggests you are not truly happy in the relationship.
You don't truly know this crush, just the idea of him at the moment. It sounds like you're not committed to your fiance, maybe you're not in love anymore and you're unhappy but you haven't realised this yet. It sounds like you need to break up with your fiance, if you feel this strongly about someone else then he's not the right person for you. Don't be scared to be on your own and settle for someone you don't truly want to be with.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes, women

hope you're all rushing to get married to one of these things, guys :^)
Oh my days..
The grass is always greener on the other side. :bee:
Marriage is a big commitment, I wouldn't commit to anything with something like this hanging over me, five years is a long time after all.
Reply 15
I seem to spend all my time in this forum telling people to jib their partners. But you need to jib him, this is a serious thing and you aren't gonna commit.
That is emotional cheating. It should have never got this far. You should have nipped it in the bud as soon as the messages got inappropriate.

If you are serious about marriage, you have to cut off all contact with this other guy. Eventually you will forget about him.
Congratulations
In my opinion, it sounds like you're not ready to settle down with your fiancé. I would cancel the engagement telling him your not ready yet which is understandable if your young (theres still so much you can do as a single lady!). I would find out how your crush feels about you because if he feels the same way, you may end up having a great and better relationship with him, so much better than with your fiancé. You will always regret not telling your crush how you feel and wondering if there could have ever been something there! Plus he totally flirted with you on snapchat so my guess is he probably has a crush on you too
Break things off with your fiance, if you were truly committed to spending the rest of your life with him you wouldnt be flirting with someone else.