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Relationship at breaking point, help please
Haven't posted on here in a long while now but really need some advice from random strangers as my friends know the situation too well and are too emotionally involved to give truly objective advice, all suggestions gratefully received, I know this is a really long post!
Basically I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now, we really love each other and survived the first year at different unis relatively unscathed, had a really lovely holiday together earlier this summer, get on great, have a real laugh, sex is phenomenal etc etc- you get the picture; on the whole, it's a brilliant relationship and we're very deeply in love. However, since the very beginning we've argued an awful lot. At the start it was actually a really great thing because it taught us both that you don't break up with someone just because of a stupid argument, and every time we fought we'd become more and more mature at getting over it and moving on, and the relationship got stronger each time as a result. But now we seem to argue more frequently and with more anger. We had several major arguments over the summer following our holiday, a couple of which ended in ultimatums and pseudo-breakups before one of us panicked and said "ok let's not do this, I don't want to be without you".
The main source of conflict is money, namely that despite about a million other responsibilities in my life I work very hard to ensure I always have enough of it to support myself and have some fun as well, while he often goes long periods unemployed and got himself into the most hideous financial mess this year, with him even oweing my parents a couple of hundred pounds. By his own admission, during the last academic year he chose not to get a job because he was too lazy. He did start to tidy things up (financially) towards the end of the summer holidays but he still owes his dad loads of money and will struggle to have any money left over for pleasurable spending this Christmas. It really annoys me because I am doing a very difficult course (vet medicine) and have around four or five times the volume of work that he does. I would love to be able to get a job during term time but it just isn't feasible with my academic workload so I'm forced to work really hard during the holidays to save enough, and this is on top of the unpaid work experience placements I have to do for my course.
Now it's all come to a head because we went out on Wednesday and I spotted a job advert in the window of the restaurant we were eating in and suggested he apply there. He said he wasn't going to, and started to make another lot of the same stupid excuses he always used to use, to try and justify why he wasn't going to apply. This made me really cross because he really needs a steady, reliable, well paid job for this term and I honestly thought that he'd learned his lesson. Anyway the argument culminated with him conceding that he did need to get a job and he would ring the restaurant, and then him saying that we shouldn't speak until he had a job because then it would serve as motivation for him to get one. I wasn't very happy about this but just thought, ok whatever works for him.
I rang him on Thursday and left a message asking if he would be able to fix a friend's computer, then sent him several texts on Friday evening as well, just chatting, and didn't get a reply to any of them. Today I'd still not heard anything from him so rang and got his answerphone, so left another message. A few hours later I still hadn't heard anything so sent a text saying I was starting to worry and would he please text me back just so that I knew he was ok. Still no reply so this evening I rang and he finally picked up, but without apology or explanation. I asked him why he wasn't answering my calls or texts and he said, again without hint of apology, that he had no credit. I don't accept this as a valid excuse for not at least letting me know that he was still alive, as there are a myriad other ways he could've got in touch - or he could just have bought some credit! His tone made me really angry so I just hung up. Several hours later I haven't heard from him at all so I assume he doesn't really care that he's upset me, and now I'm stuck.
I sincerely believe him to be my future and I genuinely don't want to end up spending the rest of my life with anyone else. But at the same time, I really don't think we can go on like this. If we want to be together in the long run I think we need a break so is this a good idea? Is it better to take a break and agree to get back together at a certain point, or should I actually just break up with him and then if he wants me back he can take it from there? OR should I accept that a long term relationship has ups and downs and try and stand by him even though he's been inconsiderate? Argh I know this is a sodding essay but please, anyone who can read through it and give any advice, I'd be so grateful for a fresh point of view. Thanks xx
Basically I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now, we really love each other and survived the first year at different unis relatively unscathed, had a really lovely holiday together earlier this summer, get on great, have a real laugh, sex is phenomenal etc etc- you get the picture; on the whole, it's a brilliant relationship and we're very deeply in love. However, since the very beginning we've argued an awful lot. At the start it was actually a really great thing because it taught us both that you don't break up with someone just because of a stupid argument, and every time we fought we'd become more and more mature at getting over it and moving on, and the relationship got stronger each time as a result. But now we seem to argue more frequently and with more anger. We had several major arguments over the summer following our holiday, a couple of which ended in ultimatums and pseudo-breakups before one of us panicked and said "ok let's not do this, I don't want to be without you".
The main source of conflict is money, namely that despite about a million other responsibilities in my life I work very hard to ensure I always have enough of it to support myself and have some fun as well, while he often goes long periods unemployed and got himself into the most hideous financial mess this year, with him even oweing my parents a couple of hundred pounds. By his own admission, during the last academic year he chose not to get a job because he was too lazy. He did start to tidy things up (financially) towards the end of the summer holidays but he still owes his dad loads of money and will struggle to have any money left over for pleasurable spending this Christmas. It really annoys me because I am doing a very difficult course (vet medicine) and have around four or five times the volume of work that he does. I would love to be able to get a job during term time but it just isn't feasible with my academic workload so I'm forced to work really hard during the holidays to save enough, and this is on top of the unpaid work experience placements I have to do for my course.
Now it's all come to a head because we went out on Wednesday and I spotted a job advert in the window of the restaurant we were eating in and suggested he apply there. He said he wasn't going to, and started to make another lot of the same stupid excuses he always used to use, to try and justify why he wasn't going to apply. This made me really cross because he really needs a steady, reliable, well paid job for this term and I honestly thought that he'd learned his lesson. Anyway the argument culminated with him conceding that he did need to get a job and he would ring the restaurant, and then him saying that we shouldn't speak until he had a job because then it would serve as motivation for him to get one. I wasn't very happy about this but just thought, ok whatever works for him.
I rang him on Thursday and left a message asking if he would be able to fix a friend's computer, then sent him several texts on Friday evening as well, just chatting, and didn't get a reply to any of them. Today I'd still not heard anything from him so rang and got his answerphone, so left another message. A few hours later I still hadn't heard anything so sent a text saying I was starting to worry and would he please text me back just so that I knew he was ok. Still no reply so this evening I rang and he finally picked up, but without apology or explanation. I asked him why he wasn't answering my calls or texts and he said, again without hint of apology, that he had no credit. I don't accept this as a valid excuse for not at least letting me know that he was still alive, as there are a myriad other ways he could've got in touch - or he could just have bought some credit! His tone made me really angry so I just hung up. Several hours later I haven't heard from him at all so I assume he doesn't really care that he's upset me, and now I'm stuck.
I sincerely believe him to be my future and I genuinely don't want to end up spending the rest of my life with anyone else. But at the same time, I really don't think we can go on like this. If we want to be together in the long run I think we need a break so is this a good idea? Is it better to take a break and agree to get back together at a certain point, or should I actually just break up with him and then if he wants me back he can take it from there? OR should I accept that a long term relationship has ups and downs and try and stand by him even though he's been inconsiderate? Argh I know this is a sodding essay but please, anyone who can read through it and give any advice, I'd be so grateful for a fresh point of view. Thanks xx
Reply 1
19
First of all, you need to talk to him about the fact that you seem to be constantly arguing and how unhappy this is making you. Perhaps he genuinely doesn't realise he's upsetting you - you should probably tell him.
Only after that if he doesn't make an effort to be more proactive and be less argumentative with you should you consider a short break or total severance.
Only after that if he doesn't make an effort to be more proactive and be less argumentative with you should you consider a short break or total severance.
Reply 2
Angelil
First of all, you need to talk to him about the fact that you seem to be constantly arguing and how unhappy this is making you. Perhaps he genuinely doesn't realise he's upsetting you - you should probably tell him.
Only after that if he doesn't make an effort to be more proactive and be less argumentative with you should you consider a short break or total severance.
Only after that if he doesn't make an effort to be more proactive and be less argumentative with you should you consider a short break or total severance.
Thanks for your reply. I should probably have added that I've actually already tried that. We have had several heart to hearts about how much we argue and there have been a couple of times already where I've said we should have a break but he's then gotten really upset and said he doesn't want to and that he'll try and improve his behaviour. The trouble is he'll be the perfect boyfriend for a few days but then gradually things will tail off again and after a couple of weeks we're back to square one. The improvements and his attempts to be proactive never seem to last. Let's put it this way, if I suggested having a break right now he'd be far from shocked. So bearing what I've just said in mind, do you think it would be a good idea to take a few weeks to cool off and get some perspective?
Reply 3
19
OK. Since you appear to have already tried what I mentioned, then a short break (not one of those 'breaks' that's actually a real breakup but neither party wants to admit it, but rather a break of a month or so) might be beneficial - he might realise that he needs to snap out of it, and you might work out whether or not you want to carry on being with him. It might be worth suggesting.
Reply 4
He might just be a little angry with you for nagging him a bit. Hence him saying not to speak until he gets a job.
Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with you, he needs to get a job this term to sort himself out, but he might've got annoyed with the fact you brought it up again when you were supposed to be out enjoying yourselves at the restaurant.
So the silence will just be him calming down, and hopefully if left to think by himself for a bit, he may eventually take your advice and go for the job.
As for the arguing, I agree that every relationship has it's ups and downs, and the reason your arguments are getting more and more intense is because you're becoming more serious about each other, so the things you argue about are more important. If that makes sense? I dont think you should throw everything away over yet another argument over money. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic
Give him another chance, he probably just got a little peeved hehe.
But if the arguments continue to upset you, you should definitely bring them up, and give him one more chance to change and if thats unsuccessful again, suggest a trial break.
Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with you, he needs to get a job this term to sort himself out, but he might've got annoyed with the fact you brought it up again when you were supposed to be out enjoying yourselves at the restaurant.
So the silence will just be him calming down, and hopefully if left to think by himself for a bit, he may eventually take your advice and go for the job.
As for the arguing, I agree that every relationship has it's ups and downs, and the reason your arguments are getting more and more intense is because you're becoming more serious about each other, so the things you argue about are more important. If that makes sense? I dont think you should throw everything away over yet another argument over money. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic
Give him another chance, he probably just got a little peeved hehe.
But if the arguments continue to upset you, you should definitely bring them up, and give him one more chance to change and if thats unsuccessful again, suggest a trial break.
Reply 5
15
He sounds exceedingly impractical, and you're right in getting annoyed and angry with his lack of intention of sorting his life out. Do you really want such a man as your future husband? Someone who would be in financial mess, refuses to pull himself together AND argues with you a lot? Yes, you don't break up over stupid arguments, but a relationship with numerous arguments all the time is an unhealthy relationship and you need to start identifying just why you're arguing so often. Are there any other underlying issues other than money? Any personality clashes, clashes in how you view things? This clash in attitude to life and to money, specifically, is a serious problem and unless you two can agree on this you're looking for a lifetime of arguments with him. I say you should consider breaking up with this guy. Such a man cannot support himself, let alone a family, and do you really want such a man to be the role model for your children, to be your children's father-figure? Marriage is nice and romantic and it does come with all the pink and fluff and fairy dust, but it is also a practical matter, a realistic matter. Is it realistic to have this man as your husband, given how you argue, given his attitude to money? Is he willing to change in this respect? If not, then you're stuck - you have to break up with him or put up with a lifetime of uncertainty and heated arguments over money-matters, and bear in mind that money is an issue in everyday life. You need money for the rest of your life, which means this attitude towards money will annoy you, if he remains unchanged, and cause damage to your relationship and your children in the future.
We all like to think our current partner is to be our future spouse when it's been a good relationship - but whether or not he really is to be your future spouse is quite different to the fluffy feelings that you feel from time to time at the thought. I still think sometimes that I wanna marry my ex, but the rational side of me knows that he isn't right for me. And when you're in the relationship, the hardest part is accepting that he isn't right for you, if indeed he isn't, and deep down you'll know whether he really is right for you, or if you simply WANT him to be right for you.
And you cannot give him indefinite chances - you know better than anyone whether he'll change. It's like, even a year ago I knew my ex would never leave Germany, but I held onto the hope that he just might, and deep down I knew he wasn't right for me but I held on. But what's the point? Give him one chance - and that's it. Everyone deserves a second chance, yes, but after that chance, it's goodbye. Don't confuse him being right for you with you wanting him to be right for you. However much you might want it, it doesn't make it true.
And "improving" isn't good enough. He needs to change. Yes it will be a gradual change, but in his head it needs to be a change, not an "improvement." Yes there will be setbacks and I'm not saying break up with him if he fails - but you can tell whether the intention to change is actually there. If the intention isn't there, break up. If the intention is there but still he lacks the discipline to push through and actually do it, then break up. You need to be seeing actual improvements, even if they're as slight as him sending off a few application forms instead of none, or wearing a suit to an interview instead of jeans - but improvements nonetheless. You need to tell him - this is it, if you don't change, it's the end of us. You need to make him realise that this is gonna cause him to lose you, and if you're important enough to him, if he thinks that you're meant to be his future wife, he WILL change. But if he doesn't, then you need to end it.
We all like to think our current partner is to be our future spouse when it's been a good relationship - but whether or not he really is to be your future spouse is quite different to the fluffy feelings that you feel from time to time at the thought. I still think sometimes that I wanna marry my ex, but the rational side of me knows that he isn't right for me. And when you're in the relationship, the hardest part is accepting that he isn't right for you, if indeed he isn't, and deep down you'll know whether he really is right for you, or if you simply WANT him to be right for you.
And you cannot give him indefinite chances - you know better than anyone whether he'll change. It's like, even a year ago I knew my ex would never leave Germany, but I held onto the hope that he just might, and deep down I knew he wasn't right for me but I held on. But what's the point? Give him one chance - and that's it. Everyone deserves a second chance, yes, but after that chance, it's goodbye. Don't confuse him being right for you with you wanting him to be right for you. However much you might want it, it doesn't make it true.
And "improving" isn't good enough. He needs to change. Yes it will be a gradual change, but in his head it needs to be a change, not an "improvement." Yes there will be setbacks and I'm not saying break up with him if he fails - but you can tell whether the intention to change is actually there. If the intention isn't there, break up. If the intention is there but still he lacks the discipline to push through and actually do it, then break up. You need to be seeing actual improvements, even if they're as slight as him sending off a few application forms instead of none, or wearing a suit to an interview instead of jeans - but improvements nonetheless. You need to tell him - this is it, if you don't change, it's the end of us. You need to make him realise that this is gonna cause him to lose you, and if you're important enough to him, if he thinks that you're meant to be his future wife, he WILL change. But if he doesn't, then you need to end it.
Reply 6
10
I've sort of been in a situation like yours op. When I was with my boyf the good times were really good but the bad times were really, really bad. Also like you, we had many issues with money mainly me having it and him not. I work loads to make sure that I always have enough money to do everthing I want to do whereas he hardly worked and so I basically paid for everthing. He resented the fact that I worked which was something I couldn't stand.
There had been many times where we both threatened to break up/go on a break etc but we could never go through with it because we were 'in love' and all that jazz. (Just noticed so far it's sounding a lot like your situation!!)
Anyway after one very bad and nasty argument where he had been really hurtful I got so upset that I had to have a break from him. We didnt speak for 3 weeks and he finally got in touch pleading with me to get back together but in that break I had had such a good and relaxing time and it gave me time to really think about our relationship and although it was hard I knew it was the end.
It was really hard to break up with him but I honestly don't regret it, all this happened only a few weeks ago so it's still quite raw but in my opinion a break is the best option. I think it's important to not tx/phone/meet and in that time you should think about whether you really do miss him. It will really hard op but even if it's just for 2 weeks you will have a better view on him and you'll either miss him loads and think about him 24/7 or have a really good time and think about him now and again.
I hope what I've said makes sense and helps you.
There had been many times where we both threatened to break up/go on a break etc but we could never go through with it because we were 'in love' and all that jazz. (Just noticed so far it's sounding a lot like your situation!!)
Anyway after one very bad and nasty argument where he had been really hurtful I got so upset that I had to have a break from him. We didnt speak for 3 weeks and he finally got in touch pleading with me to get back together but in that break I had had such a good and relaxing time and it gave me time to really think about our relationship and although it was hard I knew it was the end.
It was really hard to break up with him but I honestly don't regret it, all this happened only a few weeks ago so it's still quite raw but in my opinion a break is the best option. I think it's important to not tx/phone/meet and in that time you should think about whether you really do miss him. It will really hard op but even if it's just for 2 weeks you will have a better view on him and you'll either miss him loads and think about him 24/7 or have a really good time and think about him now and again.
I hope what I've said makes sense and helps you.
Reply 7
Thank you for all replies so far, they've been very interesting. A lot of what has been said has really struck chords. For instance, irisng, you've said exactly what I was thinking about his attitude to money perhaps making us incompatible and him an unsuitable husband. Although your attitude is a little outdated (as a future vet I am fully prepared that my income would probably be quite substantially larger than his and that I would therefore be the main breadwinner in any household of ours, despite my being a woman) you raise a good point because I really can't stand the thought of arguing over money for the rest of my life. I wouldn't expect him to support me or our family financially, but I agree that I couldn't marry him thinking he was going to be irresponsible, eg spending money that we didn't have or taking out credit he couldn't afford to pay back. This attitude has to be nipped in the bud right now, but something I didn't mention before is that his parents' attitude to money is also absolutely appalling and I really worry that he's been set such a bad example that he'll end up like them whether he wants to or not. He has said that he's determined not to deliberately leave bills unpaid or get things on credit or take out massive loans/mortgages like his parents do but I can't be sure if his determination is enough to overcome it.
As for changing, this is the issue I find the most difficult to gauge. He has made improvements to several aspects of his attitude to our relationship, both since we've been going out and since the beginning of this summer (and the initial explosion of financial mess). I know that he's made a conscious effort to change and things have got better, but I don't know if he's changing enough, or fast enough, or whether the change is permanent. Sometimes I get cross and think, for God's sake, he's 20 years old he should just get a grip and grow the hell up, but at other times I feel guilty and think that I'm being too hard on him when he is trying to change. I just don't know, it's something I really can't make my mind up about.
malteser, I know exactly what you mean about getting angry when they resent you for having money. My partner will get really stroppy with me when I want to do something he can't afford, and say things like "Well it's alright for you, you've got money", as if that money just appeared in my bank account! He got especially cross with me last summer because I had quite a lot of money to do what I liked with, while he was struggling, but he just couldn't seem to take it in when I pointed out that the situation was like that because I had worked three jobs all summer while he had been on three holidays and worked a few evenings in a bar job. Sometimes I'll mention a present one of my friends has been given by her boyfriend and he'll say the same sort of thing: "It's alright when you have the money to do stuff like that" but he can't take it when I say, "Well, YOU would have the money to do stuff like that if you had a proper job". It's like he's got a mental block stopping him hearing common sense.
ANYWAY I did ring him and he was incredibly rude to me but before he put the phone down on me we agreed to take a four week break so at least now we both have time to cool off and think things through. I am still absolutely sure that we will end up settling down but right now some stuff has to change before we can move forward together. Thank you everyone for all your help and advice.
As for changing, this is the issue I find the most difficult to gauge. He has made improvements to several aspects of his attitude to our relationship, both since we've been going out and since the beginning of this summer (and the initial explosion of financial mess). I know that he's made a conscious effort to change and things have got better, but I don't know if he's changing enough, or fast enough, or whether the change is permanent. Sometimes I get cross and think, for God's sake, he's 20 years old he should just get a grip and grow the hell up, but at other times I feel guilty and think that I'm being too hard on him when he is trying to change. I just don't know, it's something I really can't make my mind up about.
malteser, I know exactly what you mean about getting angry when they resent you for having money. My partner will get really stroppy with me when I want to do something he can't afford, and say things like "Well it's alright for you, you've got money", as if that money just appeared in my bank account! He got especially cross with me last summer because I had quite a lot of money to do what I liked with, while he was struggling, but he just couldn't seem to take it in when I pointed out that the situation was like that because I had worked three jobs all summer while he had been on three holidays and worked a few evenings in a bar job. Sometimes I'll mention a present one of my friends has been given by her boyfriend and he'll say the same sort of thing: "It's alright when you have the money to do stuff like that" but he can't take it when I say, "Well, YOU would have the money to do stuff like that if you had a proper job". It's like he's got a mental block stopping him hearing common sense.
ANYWAY I did ring him and he was incredibly rude to me but before he put the phone down on me we agreed to take a four week break so at least now we both have time to cool off and think things through. I am still absolutely sure that we will end up settling down but right now some stuff has to change before we can move forward together. Thank you everyone for all your help and advice.
Reply 8
I am not so sure about a short break, from previous experience, they rarely work.
I would suggest talking to your boyfriend when you are both calm and discuss where to go from here. Clearly there are a number of issues causing you to argue, although it does seem he is the one being unreasonable.
I would suggest talking to your boyfriend when you are both calm and discuss where to go from here. Clearly there are a number of issues causing you to argue, although it does seem he is the one being unreasonable.
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