The Student Room Group

Friends, Uni, Depressed... the usual.

Okay, I have a horrible feeling that this will turn into a self-pitying post, so I'm really sorry if it does :frown: Please keep this anon, I couldn't bear for people to know that I actually think like this.

I'm just not feeling too happy at the moment. I'm not the most sunny of people anyway, but I've just start uni and the whole social thing is getting me down; I feel like I don't have any social skills. Everyone's got the energy to make friends and aquiantances, and I do try, I've got some good people on my floor who i get on with, but it's so.. draining, talking to new people all the time. Everyone else seems to love the idea of talking to new people every day, I hate it. I'm good with friends, once they're really my friend I'm fine, but I can't 'do' aquaintances, which is difficult because as I understand it, that's what everyone is at this stage, and even then, there'll always be aquaintances. I can't network, I don't make an impression, I just fade into the background.

My friendship group at home kind of dissolved and the only person who's keeping me going is my boyfriend, who's at another uni.. if it wern't for him, I don't know what I'd be doing. I don't want to become too dependant on him though, it scares me that I'd be so stranded without him. Now we're in a LDR so there's more chance of it going wrong, and if it does I don't know what I'll be. I know he loves me, but I don't want to be a burden on him, and he, like everyone else, seems to be having a great time, so....

I just don't know what's wrong with me, I can't get happy about life. I'm an ex-self harmer and I've been very good through all this, not slipping, but not because I don't want to, more because I know it wouldn't help - I'm disillusioned with everything. All I see is leaving Uni with some 'kind of' friends, a city in which everything looks the same, nowhere or noone being special, everything being bland. I can't get excited about anything; I have no passions, other than the love I have for my boyfriend, and I can't build my life around him... I just don't know how to socialise or make myself happy again. It's like I'm too lazy to make friends but then it depresses me that I'm not more social. I don't know what to do.
I can relate to this: the situation is the one I'm in presently, and I felt that way about things being pointless and bland a year or so ago.

Basically, realise that at least a few other people feel the way you do about meeting new people. The whole idea is to pretend. The block you have on it is in the mind, so you use a technique in the mind to beat it! Pretend you're a very sociable person. Imagine what that person would do, and do that! It's harder than it sounds, but not as silly, and it does work. Remember that you met your friends at some point and you didn't know them. No, you won't become true friends with everyone you meet, but you've had friends, you're obviously an ok person, I'm sure you'll make more :smile:

If your old friendship group is disappearing, don't just think about that - do something. Ring them up, write a letter, arrange to meet in a town you can both get to. It's nice to have people you can really talk to about things, and however nice the people you're meeting now are, they just aren't your friends, so you can't talk about your feelings with them. Plus I'm guessing many also went away to uni so you never know, some may be able to empathise :smile: And use it as an opportunity to remove the ones you didn't like from your life. It sounds mean, but it's not, unless they're trying to contact you, in which case make a judgment :P

My cure for the disillusionment probably is silly, but it worked for me: read a book. Like, properly. I picked a book from an author I'd wanted to read a while, read it, and I felt like my old self again. It was a good book, but it wasn't inspiring or anything. I don't know if it was reading, setting a little goal, or just getting back into a neglected hobby that 'cured' me. You say you have no passions - well, what were you passionate about before you felt this way? Perhaps start something new - unis are full of interesting societies. Try and basically reignite your love of life. You have noticed it's gone and you do want it back or you wouldn't have posted about it. I'm sure you can do it :smile:

Finally: get out of your room. Are you in halls? Go to the kitchen/common room, strike up some conversations. Go for a walk. Go to the library. Go to a café. Get out of the house, get off the computer! And congrats for not self-harming - obviously you are a strong person, so you will find this easier than I did as soon as you realise what to do :smile: Good luck!
Reply 2
I've just started college and I feel exactly the same.
It's as though I just don't have the energy to make new friends, because I don't know what to talk about, I'm not a very social person either, which makes it even worse.
I think the same way about acquaintances in the sense that what makes them from an acquaintance into a friend?
It did cross my mind that I could just be being lazy and irrational but I really lack social skills which most other people have.
I don't know if this would help but perhaps you could try seeing a counsellor, as they'll talk through things with you, and be able to offer better advice than most of the people on this including myself (no offence to the people who are giving advice!).
And pm me if you want to chat anytime.
Good Luck!
Reply 3
I started uni a little over 2 weeks ago, and to begin with I felt exactly as you did - as though my old life was miles away and everything around me was strange and hostile. I still don't get on particularly with my own corridor, but I've made friends on my course, and in other blocks. You just have to be brave and really make the effort to go up and talk to people. Funnily enough, a lot of people that I speak to now say that they felt really lonely at first... even if they put up a show of being the most sociable person in the world. Remember we're all in the same boat, some people are just better at hiding it than others. :hugs:

I can't really advise on the bf situation - I split with mine before uni, which I actually regret, so I'm not in any place to help you! But, I'm sure that you guys can work with it.:smile: Good luck xxx
Reply 4
Its called acting. You have got to act, pretend to be someone else like your alter ego. Think of what a really outgoing confident person would be like. Mind you, its easier said than done and if your not naturally communicative, it could be difficult.

Maybe you should get a book on how to be more sociacable and practice social skills. Its not a dumb idea.
Smile at people?
I'm in a very similar situation, although slightly different in so far as i'm ok meeting people but once i'm friends with people I tend to suddenly go quiet and completely run out of things to say. It's like, at the moment i'm in a group of friends who are great, i feel very lucky to have met a group of about 6 other people who i get on great with and who get on great wth everyone else - so technically i'm in a group of about 7 friends, adn for the first few weeks i loved it.

Gradually over time though i feel as if i'm drifting away from them, like i just completely run out of things to say. It's weird because within the first few weeks everything was fine, then suddenly i can't think of anything to say anymore. i'll suddenly go quiet and i'm really afraid of losing the group of friends and becoming an outcast from them, all because i can't think of anything constructive to add to conversations, or even how to start one. It's so frustrating!! I was getting really close with this lad in the group, i liked him, at one point i thought he liked me back, then suddenly i go quiet and he gets bored of me. I really hate being like this, i want to go back to being all talkative and even funny (i think :confused:) but i don't know how.