The time I was in a controlling relationship *possible trigger*

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username47781
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I wanted to share this as a lot of people associate it being females stuck in controlling relationships so I wanted to put it out there it can happen to guys also, also because I feel more comfortable sharing it now.
I will talk about the time where it wasn't a long time I was with the girl but in that time she managed to take away a lot of my friends. She hated me going out, she certainly hated me talking to another girl even if we were just simply friends, she saw that as cheating. Yet it was ok for her to go to guys and talked to them, she had the nerve of accusing me of being jealous over it.

She always checked through my phone, went through all my messages. It got to a point where I was unwell because of her being like that, I went from being a friendly and open type of person to a worried sick and withdrawn person. One day I guess I snapped at her because I was sick of her putting me down and course she then ended the relationship. Yet few days later I felt a big relief almost like I had dodged a bullet and I slowly went back to who I was before, I mean this happen about 2 1/2 years ago now, I still have the odd nightmare about.

Guess the message is clear if you feel trapped or you feel like your partner is restricting you from seeing your friends or stopping you go out, then that is the time to question it, my regret is I didn't run a mile straight away then again the first couple months she was nice, I had a similar experience years ago but this was far worse and gave me a bit of a shock, I do stres though she never physically hit me, but at the time I lost so many friends.

Also I wanted to ask your thoughts on controlling relationships and also if anyone else wants to share an experience like it hence putting the trigger in the title.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for sharing your story. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself and had another bad experience with someone else I was involved with. Thinking about the most recent experience still hurts; but both people were covertly manipulative and controlling. Good that you found the strength to get out of there. Hopefully you will more yourself with the time that passes and I hope you can make amends with friends that were lost.
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Anonymous #2
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yeah it happens to guys but the sad thing is guys are usually more willing to do it all - give up friends and family and accept their girlfriends controlling psychotic behaviour IF she is hot. sad truth. men usually don't care even before hand. if shes a solid 10 they will find the pyschoness a turn on lol and only really complain about being in a 'controlling relationship' AFTER she has dumped him. basically its not the same. women don't like giving up on their friends, men will happily do it so long as he gets laid.
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999tigger
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(Original post by Rock Fan)
I wanted to share this as a lot of people associate it being females stuck in controlling relationships so I wanted to put it out there it can happen to guys also, also because I feel more comfortable sharing it now.
I will talk about the time where it wasn't a long time I was with the girl but in that time she managed to take away a lot of my friends. She hated me going out, she certainly hated me talking to another girl even if we were just simply friends, she saw that as cheating. Yet it was ok for her to go to guys and talked to them, she had the nerve of accusing me of being jealous over it.

She always checked through my phone, went through all my messages. It got to a point where I was unwell because of her being like that, I went from being a friendly and open type of person to a worried sick and withdrawn person. One day I guess I snapped at her because I was sick of her putting me down and course she then ended the relationship. Yet few days later I felt a big relief almost like I had dodged a bullet and I slowly went back to who I was before, I mean this happen about 2 1/2 years ago now, I still have the odd nightmare about.

Guess the message is clear if you feel trapped or you feel like your partner is restricting you from seeing your friends or stopping you go out, then that is the time to question it, my regret is I didn't run a mile straight away then again the first couple months she was nice, I had a similar experience years ago but this was far worse and gave me a bit of a shock, I do stres though she never physically hit me, but at the time I lost so many friends.

Also I wanted to ask your thoughts on controlling relationships and also if anyone else wants to share an experience like it hence putting the trigger in the title.
Just use the measure is the behaviour they expect from you the same as that which they expect from themselves. If it isnt then alarm bells should ring. Relationships should involve parties your partner being supportive and enhancing your life not restrcitng it.
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Anonymous #3
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this sounds like my parents marriage
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Moonstruck16
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Knowing when to runaway is easier said than done.

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username47781
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Oh it is easier to say it rather than do it, that is the hard bit. But that is why I urge anyone in a situation like this to get out, don't get bogged down in it otherwise it will destroy you.
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Unistudent77
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OP - Did you receive grief from former friends due to abandoning them?* (see other star for why I ask)

My flatmate was in a similar situation but worse.
She physically hit him. When he said he was going to go out a night in freshers week she punshed him (while driving on a motorway) several times for 'not inviting her'.
She always accused him of being out partying when he wasn't.

Idk what really went on but he self-harmed because of it. I didn't see it coming tbh.

So yes, guys can be abused too. Very much so.

* - My best friend (who was very good friends with the guy back then) confronted him about why he basically became a hermit and stopped socialising with us. That just made it awkward between them and now they very rarely speak.

I don't think negatively off him at all. I don't know what went on and tbh he must have self-loathed enough (to self-harm) so I certainly didn't slate him for it (my best friend did call me a p***y for not saying anything. I went ballistic when he said that, actually incandecent with rage).

However, I do think leaving your mates for s few months is wrong and a partner should never change you. So I don't blame the guy but I was annoyed at the time. I'd never let a partner control me, you need trust in a relationship. I'm an adult and i'll do whatever I want frankly, bottom line.
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username47781
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(Original post by Unistudent77)
OP - Did you receive grief from former friends due to abandoning them?* (see other star for why I ask)

My flatmate was in a similar situation but worse.
She physically hit him. When he said he was going to go out a night in freshers week she punshed him (while driving on a motorway) several times for 'not inviting her'.
She always accused him of being out partying when he wasn't.

Idk what really went on but he self-harmed because of it. I didn't see it coming tbh.

So yes, guys can be abused too. Very much so.

* - My best friend (who was very good friends with the guy back then) confronted him about why he basically became a hermit and stopped socialising with us. That just made it awkward between them and now they very rarely speak.

I don't think negatively off him at all. I don't know what went on and tbh he must have self-loathed enough (to self-harm) so I certainly didn't slate him for it (my best friend did call me a p***y for not saying anything. I went ballistic when he said that, actually incandecent with rage).

However, I do think leaving your mates for s few months is wrong and a partner should never change you. So I don't blame the guy but I was annoyed at the time. I'd never let a partner control me, you need trust in a relationship. I'm an adult and i'll do whatever I want frankly, bottom line.
At first I did have quite a bit of grief of some of those friends while some others were more understanding, I do course have big regrets about the way I did handle things I gave in to pressure from her and pretty much abandoned all my friends.
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Anonymous #4
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Far too common. A man checking a women's phone is seen as controlling well a women checking a man's isn't. This is true for such a wide number of examples that it all adds up to men being the victim without anyone noticing much quicker and easier then the reverse.
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SoulfulTwist
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Yeah I think it's sad when someone feels the need to control another being. And you are right, sadly men too are abused this way. Just like women.
Glad to hear you're getting better.
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username1726117
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(Original post by Rock Fan)
*snip*
Thank you for sharing this Rock Fan. This will help more people than you perhaps realize.

I was in a somewhat controlling relationship myself. I won't go into the specifics here, but suffice to say it was troublesome and it left me damaged in a few ways. The most notable controlling behavior was me practically being forced to abandon the few female friends I had as they were perceived as threats to the relationship (and because I wasn't trusted), as well as being guilt-tripped to give them thousands of pounds (which, fortunately, I never did). There were a few more things, however.

Controlling relationships suck and can be very harmful, but they're not exclusive to either gender. Anyone should feel safe to talk about their experiences without fear of being judged or ridiculed.
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username1229433
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I've recently just came out of this sort of relationship.

I am just glad that the guy exposed his true colours within the few months we were together in total rather than years down the line.

The guy used to put me down most of the time, read through all the conversations on my phone, manipulative and aggressive, when he's the one whose been cheating on me and talking innapropiately to other girls.

One day I found the strength to break up with him and move on. No matter what honey and milk talk he was saying to me in order to convince me to stay, I stood my ground and continued walking away.

This advice is for everyone: Please do not ignore the red flags in a person. Once they do or say something that makes you feel less than a human being, PLEASE break the relationship as soon as possible.

You're better off single than being in the wrong relationship.

You are precious and of high value. Do not let anyone talk to you nor treat you like a piece of crap. They don't love you. They just say what you want to hear, so they can damage you even more.

Just be patient. The right man or woman will come your way.
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username1229433
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The person I was seeing wanted me to have sex with strangers so he could have sex with their partners. I thought about ending my life to escape it. But I followed through with it. I engaged in unwanted sexual conduct. I am still struggling to live with myself. I feel disgusting. I often have thoughts about ending my life.


He also asked me for money for prostitutes regularly, he still does. I am really struggling with finances because of him. I spent thousands on him. My parents ask me where has all my money gone. I can't answer that. It's ruined my relationship with them.

I comply because I have a hard time saying no because I am emotionally dependent on him. I told him before that he's damaging me and making my life difficult and that I cannot deny his request. He promised he won't do it again but he does, over and over again, he does. He apologizes and then he hurts me again.
You need to break up this relationship and report him to the police. You are a human being, not an object.
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Anonymous #5
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I'm not a guy but I had a dear family member (cousin) who went through this very thing and it was heartbreaking to watch and not be able to say anything. I don't think (not sure, really) that there was physical abuse but definite emotional manipulation and abuse. So he was dating this girl who was who was a real 'go getter'. The world revolved around her, according to her family. Her mother was the puppet master. They were both controlling but the mum told the girl to question everything and would direct what to say; they were both very manipulative. Her mum even texted my cousin correcting him or telling him what to do. The irony is my cousin was pretty popular and a seemingly strong guy not someone who'd get swept away but he did.

Over time my cousin had to give up his guy friends and eventually they started (mum and girl) driving a wedge between my cousin and his family. She didn't want him spending time with his parents, who lived away, and she'd literally only allow like 48 hrs then he had to leave. She'd demand he call her at a certain hour every night when he wasn't with her and he felt pressured to never miss the call because she'd give him hours of grief. These calls would last for hours regardless of whether she was happy or mad at him. She'd come up with reasons why he'd have to leave early visiting his family and if any of us visited him he was 'required' to stay at her home and his family stayed by ourselves at his flat.
He was allowed to be friends with her friends but not have his own and she had to join them if he ever did go out with his guy friends (who lived in a different town where he grew up and he never really saw). He moved for this girl and basically was living her dream. Another cousin said, "Do you think, 'Tim' will always just be 'Karen's' accessory? This relationship caused a lot of friction because he didn't see what everyone else clearly did.

This girl dictated his time, location, friends, time spent with family, what she wanted him to wear etc. etc. She was busy writing out her own life (that was to include him).... but there was no independent life for him. She wanted to dictate his career choice as well.

But, finally, over the course of many years(!) he finally started to clearly see what everyone else had been telling him - that he was in a very unhealthy relationship. He started to recognize the manipulation and the fact that 'life' was only on Karen's terms and there was no room for negotiations or compromise. There is so much I could write. But finally he saw the light(!) and emotional abuse and broke up with her. And, when he did he wasn't the least bit sad and was genuinely glad to be away from them. Pretty bad when you get congratulatory calls from people on breaking up with a girl.

The story has a happy ending in that now he's happily dating someone else (after a year) and she's nice and normal. He doesn't have to answer to her mum and she trusts him to have his own friends, make his own choices and is happy for him to see and be with his family.
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Hopefully1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
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This a very, very bad situation. If you haven't already you need to tell someone what is happening in your life. If you are uncomfortable you can leave out the forced sexual partners but you need to let SOMEONE know you are in a very unhealthy place and need help getting out of this situation. If AT ALL POSSIBLE go see a counselor or social worker!! You need to figure out an escape plan. Your family loves you and will take you back I feel certain as long as your bf isn't in the picture at all - he is your cancer. You have to find your voice and SAY NO!! GET HELP, again, seek counseling. You CAN get out of this, you CAN get out of this. Don't believe his lies - find someone else who will help you! Good luck!
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Tiger Rag
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(Original post by Anfanny)
Haha sorry but this doesn't sound too bad mate. You're making a problem I think.
Theres nothing wrong with you going through your partner's phone or telling them they can't be friends with the opposite sex?
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Bang Outta Order
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I'm sorry mate I've never become ill because a woman was being too mean to me?

But I have been in controlling relationships. Scratch that-I've been with women who think they can control me. And I just let them know it's not like that and if she didn't get the point then I just left them... :confused:

If you're with a controlling type man or woman just put your foot down? Idk I don't get it.
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by starfab)
Yeah I think it's sad when someone feels the need to control another being. And you are right, sadly men too are abused this way. Just like women.
Glad to hear you're getting better.
It's not abuse :nah: This type is only abuse if the person is disabled in some way and lacks the proper faculties to help themselves cope and is therefore defenseless, whether they're diagnosed with this disorder or not. Which basically means men who get emotional distress while with a woman probably have some kind of problem. I already get that an average bloke who is physically healthy and strong still feels pressured to not stand up to women who *hit them* because he can go to jail, obviously, so he lets her smack him around with a wok and that. But I still don't get emotional "abuse." :\

(Original post by Anfanny)
Haha sorry but this doesn't sound too bad mate. You're making a problem I think.
Yea I've heard worse. Heard of a woman who was with an autistic man and she always screamed at him and then hit him when he didnt understand her, which since he's autistic meant he always got hit. Saw it on a programme where women kill their partners. I get when an average lad lets a woman hit him but not when he lets a woman make him ill because she checks his phone.
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by Tiger Rag)
Theres nothing wrong with you going through your partner's phone
it's certainly not wrong. Annoying, maybe.

Not coming at you Rock Fan I get you're saying men can be on the receiving end of a bad partner
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