Started uni - zero confidence.

I have just done something which I know in any other circumstance I would never ever ever be pathetic enough to do. I walked into the uni hall canteen, saw that the table my friends were sitting on was full, and walked straight out again.

I don't know what is wrong with me - at school and in my gap year I was confident, could start chatting to strangers, happy, outgoing, maybe even bubbly. However, since I started here and I'm suddenly surrounded by thousands of people that I don't know I've become painfully shy, quiet and introverted. Hence why I'm posting this, because it's got the stage where I know I need help.

I'm in a big halls with 500 others - really nice, new rooms etc. I knew 2 other girls when I arrived who are in the same hall. It's not particularly far from home (just 2 hours on the train) and the campus is really nice. But then the problems start. I made the HUGE mistake on my first night of going to the bar and chatting to my old friends and the people on their corridors. I completely missed the bonding process with my own corridor, and now feel ostracized from them as they all seem to have loads in common. The girls are fairly shallow - only talk about gossip or fashion- and the boys aren't interested in anything that doesn't involve sex or sports. Or so it seems - they are all probably much deeper personalities, but I'm having huge problems trying to get to them! Now whenever I try joining in their discussions, they blank me out or roll their eyes and keep talking. When they go out clubbing together, they don't tell me, let alone invite me, and when I asked once they said they assumed I was doing something with other friends.

Onto these girls that I knew, these 'friends'. I knew them vaguely at school, but they have been best friends for years and are therefore joined at the hip now. I try hanging around with them, but it's like third wheeling a overly cutesy couple - lots of in jokes etc - so I'm left out. I also feel a lot like I'm a drag tagging along with them. They also know lots of other people in my halls (it's turned out to be seriosuly cliquey - everyone either knows each other or has mutual friends in common), and so nip off to see them the whole time. I tried coming along at first, but it became apparent that I wasn't really wanted. And the longer this goes on, the quieter and more insecure I get.

Don't get me wrong - I have made some friends. The problem is that they all already have made their own close-knit groups whom they primarily hang out with, usually people from their own corridors, so I'm always the outsider tagging along, which frankly gets to be a little humiliating. I'm used to having my own circle of really close friends and I've never felt quite so alone in my life. It doesn't help that I've come from a really small school (only 200 people) and the sheer size of the uni is overwhelming. I try and be assertive, calling people and saying would they like to go for a drink etc, but they always seem to be doing something or going out with other people. There's a formal hall dinner in about a week where you have to organise yourself into groups of 10 for a table, and I'm not on one, simply because everyone seems to assume I'll be with other people, when I'm actually going to be sitting in my room with a pizza, as far as I can tell. I also had a slap in the face just now when I tried calling one of the old friends with no answer, but then I found out she had just screened the call.

I'm feeling pathetic and lost and I'm utterly desperate. And I'm sorry it's such a horribly long post, but I really needed to get all this off my chest, because there is no-one that I can talk to about this. Right now, I just want to go home, uni is the worst experience of my life so far and I just need any advice that anyone can give me because I've lost almost all faith in myself after the fiasco walking out of dinner this evening. I just feel broken, scared and completely alone, when everyone else is having the time of their life without me.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Meant to add this - I also feel as though it's too late to try walking up to strangers and introducing myself, hence running away this evening. By 2 weeks in people have found their friends and stopped doing that.

Reply 2

steelmole

Anonymous

That's rediculous, you can talk to people and introduce yourself to people at anytime, anywhere.

People need to get over this weird "ohh, people I don't know" thing.

Reply 3

randomreg

You need to stop feeling like the outsider.

When I started uni, I ended up becoming very good friends with a particular house of 7 students. I was effectively the 'outsider', but until now I hadn't even considered this. It was wonderful to gain their friendship and it developed over time to the point where they asked if I would like to live with them all in the second year off campus.

Since you have made some friends, try to give it time and stop feeling like an outsider. Just because you're the only one who lives in a different corridor/hall doesn't mean you're the odd one out. In fact, you can use that to your advantage...if you have friends in that group, you should quite easily be able to befriend the entire group. It's not an instant process, but it shouldn't exactly take an age either.

It sounds like you're used to ruling the show to some extent and like arranging things yourself, rather than accepting an invitation or asking if you can join in other people's plans. If your old friend screened her call, so be it. It's her loss.

If your group of new friends have already organised their table of 10 people for this pizza dinner, maybe you can tag on to a different table with people you don't know at all. It should be fun. Even if you don't find any of the personalities attractive, at least you can say you've tried and got out there a bit. You might even end up with loads of new friends and ALSO gain an even closer friendship with the peeps you've already got to know...

Having a huge university of potential friends is a great thing. Don't lose hope and feel scared...embrace the number of opportunities you've got. You're not a drop in an ocean, you're an explosion waiting to happen...

Reply 4

pyrolol

Hmm. Maybe you could consider the next time you have hall or something just intentionally going and sitting with some people you don't know. Go in with the intention of talking to some new people; don't worry about it, just be impulsive.

A nice thing about being surrounded by loads of people is that, frankly, if it doesn't work out, there's no loss to you, there are hundreds of others.

Also, I feel I should point out that the vast majority of people are not as confident or secure as they act.

Reply 5

Struth

Guys dont worry, theres not set time for when you make friends at uni, i was exactly the same as you and i did infact meet the people im friends with now in the 6th week of term by talking to them randomly at the freshers ball. They all lived in different halls to me but that made no difference. just go and speak to them, be assertive and turn up round their house. I know that its difficult to start with but it does get easier with time!
x

Reply 6

Sycren

Its quite weird, at school I was very shy and had a lack of confidence, but at uni everything changed and I am seen as one of the most sociable with the most friends even though I dont go out and drink even a quarter as much as everyone else on my floor. I think Iv made about 30 friends just by walking up to them and starting a conversation. I think that I have about 10 close friends and its almost like they are a second family to me. Everyone will give you the advice to just talk to someone but I know that its not easy. I do sometimes feel very lonely and isolated in my room. And sometimes I am paranoid and dont come out of my room if there is someone who I dont recognise talking outside my room ( my room is opposite a lift..*cursed*).

Today when the table of my friends was full up for breckfast, I just found someone sitting by themselves and just started a conversation up with him.
Was there a chance that you could pull round an extra chir for yourself?

I dont like seeing anyone just by themelves, so I just start conversations with them. Because of this Iv managed to get friends *adopted* to my floor so that they are recognised by everyone else on the floor.

Im in castle leazes at newcastle and know all the guys on my floor (single sex) and all the girls on the next, and from their make friends off theirs and use facebook and so on..Im not really the kind of person who goes out to clubs, I prefer to stay in and watch a film with friends, and so far Iv had about 6 film nights after freshers week, and made friends through that.

Its not too late to introduce yourself and in a way its slightly easier, as everyone is feeling more comfortable. Remember that everyone is painfully shy in the beginning as its a whole new experience, just (clishe) go with the flow...