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Physical contact (fairly long post)
Hey - Ill start this by saying please no cocky remarks or innuendo's in this please, its kind of serious and for me at least, very frustrating.
Basically i shy away from (Consciously avoid) physical contact with people. I avoid contact sports, play fighting, i find it hard to sit to close to someone on a sofa. I can do hugs (although i have to be tipsy give one voluterally) and shaking hands is fine and i genuinely am confused how to act when people are emotional, i feel awkward, i dunno whether to hug them or pat them on the shoulder.
Generally if im drunk or have had alcohol im fine, sort of normal. I guess the weirdest thing is that I kind of crave contact with people. When I see other people, friends, family etc i wish i could be like them or be able to join in without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.
I sort of realised this with my last girlfriend - i was able to feel comfortable around her, hugging etc, no awkwardness at all. But eventually both she and I realised that I was becoming clingy (her 1st and me shortly after, i was actually quite disgusted with how pathetic i was being.) As a result i have avoided any new relationships 'cos im not sure why I became clingy - its not something i generally am with anyone.
I thought of insecurity - which i know i have and try to deal with (from constant bullying throughout primary and secondary school) but im not sure how it would link in.
Any thoughts, help, etc would be cool. cheers. Soz for the long post also, I wasnt gonna write an essay but it all sort of came out hehe, it may not make much sense, but if i tidied it, it wouldnt be right to me and it was hard enought to explain in the first place
Basically i shy away from (Consciously avoid) physical contact with people. I avoid contact sports, play fighting, i find it hard to sit to close to someone on a sofa. I can do hugs (although i have to be tipsy give one voluterally) and shaking hands is fine and i genuinely am confused how to act when people are emotional, i feel awkward, i dunno whether to hug them or pat them on the shoulder.
Generally if im drunk or have had alcohol im fine, sort of normal. I guess the weirdest thing is that I kind of crave contact with people. When I see other people, friends, family etc i wish i could be like them or be able to join in without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.
I sort of realised this with my last girlfriend - i was able to feel comfortable around her, hugging etc, no awkwardness at all. But eventually both she and I realised that I was becoming clingy (her 1st and me shortly after, i was actually quite disgusted with how pathetic i was being.) As a result i have avoided any new relationships 'cos im not sure why I became clingy - its not something i generally am with anyone.
I thought of insecurity - which i know i have and try to deal with (from constant bullying throughout primary and secondary school) but im not sure how it would link in.
Any thoughts, help, etc would be cool. cheers. Soz for the long post also, I wasnt gonna write an essay but it all sort of came out hehe, it may not make much sense, but if i tidied it, it wouldnt be right to me and it was hard enought to explain in the first place
I used to be like this, anything beyond very "proper" physical contact made me nervous and itchy and uncomfortable and I felt very very awkward. I don't know how I overcame it but when I think back I almost feel like laughing, not because I was so stupid then for being how I was but because, I don't even see me in that person anymore. I am very touchy feely now, and I have no problems with physical contact in general!!
Also OP: When I had a "problem" with physical contact I also became very very clingy to my first [and second] proper girlfriends. I was all over them all the time, not JUST physically but emotionally too. I also don't know how this connects?? I think I got over my "fear" of physical contact by just putting myself in the situation where I had to make physical contact as much as often. I remember on the first day back at school in Year 11 I hugged as many people as I could, to say hi, whereas usually there would have been no hugging or it would have been initiated by them. Actually I think I've cracked it. For me, at least. I think it was not knowing what form of physical contact was appropriate at the time, I never shook anyones hand or hugged them or comforted them when they were crying because I didn't know what was accepted, and then when I got myself a girlfriend I knew that we would eventually be having sex so anything and everything was "allowed" in regards to physical contact so I went overboard, because I'd been starving myself of it. Still didn't learn my lesson with my second girlfriend [she however, knew about my problems and used to talk to me about the physical side of the relationship in a very adult way for someone who was, at the time, 15].
Wow I've rambled and I'm not sure I've made sense
Also OP: When I had a "problem" with physical contact I also became very very clingy to my first [and second] proper girlfriends. I was all over them all the time, not JUST physically but emotionally too. I also don't know how this connects?? I think I got over my "fear" of physical contact by just putting myself in the situation where I had to make physical contact as much as often. I remember on the first day back at school in Year 11 I hugged as many people as I could, to say hi, whereas usually there would have been no hugging or it would have been initiated by them. Actually I think I've cracked it. For me, at least. I think it was not knowing what form of physical contact was appropriate at the time, I never shook anyones hand or hugged them or comforted them when they were crying because I didn't know what was accepted, and then when I got myself a girlfriend I knew that we would eventually be having sex so anything and everything was "allowed" in regards to physical contact so I went overboard, because I'd been starving myself of it. Still didn't learn my lesson with my second girlfriend [she however, knew about my problems and used to talk to me about the physical side of the relationship in a very adult way for someone who was, at the time, 15].
Wow I've rambled and I'm not sure I've made sense
The link between previous experiences and lack of physical contact is there...
You say that alcohol helps you be more physical, suggesting that when you drink you become more relaxed, and that the problem is that your not comfortable with doing these things yet. Silverwings, for example, had a similar problem but by making a bit more effort has become much more comfortable around people. I think it is just something you have to go for, the more you do it, the more you will feel comforatble and in time you'll be able to initiate physical contact with ease.
Just to make the link;
You said you were bullied... you didn't mention anything positive (RE: physical contact) therefore we can assume that most of the physical contact you have had has been negative. If this is the case, then when presented with a situation calling for a positive response you tend to lack the resources to deal with it because that is not what you 'have learned'.
I suppose one idea as well would be to slowly build yourself up, but this involves me giving you advice to drink more alcohol lol. Simply drink, then note what physical contact you give and how much you had. Then next time drink less/none and try to do everything on the list. I know it sounds kinda weird walking round making a list, but it can only help!
You say that alcohol helps you be more physical, suggesting that when you drink you become more relaxed, and that the problem is that your not comfortable with doing these things yet. Silverwings, for example, had a similar problem but by making a bit more effort has become much more comfortable around people. I think it is just something you have to go for, the more you do it, the more you will feel comforatble and in time you'll be able to initiate physical contact with ease.
Just to make the link;
You said you were bullied... you didn't mention anything positive (RE: physical contact) therefore we can assume that most of the physical contact you have had has been negative. If this is the case, then when presented with a situation calling for a positive response you tend to lack the resources to deal with it because that is not what you 'have learned'.
I suppose one idea as well would be to slowly build yourself up, but this involves me giving you advice to drink more alcohol lol. Simply drink, then note what physical contact you give and how much you had. Then next time drink less/none and try to do everything on the list. I know it sounds kinda weird walking round making a list, but it can only help!
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