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Facebook brought us together.
I did make some kind of rambling post about this last night, but I'm going to explain everything more now that I'm not in a state of panic, or, as much, confusion:
I've never known my real Dad. I actually REMEMBER meeting him once, for about 5 minutes, on my 1st Birthday, when he brought me a few presents - he was stood at the door, Mum made me go out and say hi, but I was scared, so hid again at the first opportunity. All I remember of him from that is a shadowy figure, without a face, at the door.
Growing up, I was never really allowed to talk about my Dad; Mum and my Stepdad (who I've always called 'Dad') forbid me from asking information or from finding out about him. All I found out in the past 20 years was his name - Mum did tell me once that she'd broken up with him after he'd told her to have an abortion, but then admitted years later that things had been much more trivial, and that in fact, my real Dad had waited outside the hospital whilst I was born, until he found out that I was okay.
As far as I'd known, all my life; my real Dad was someone I could never ask about, and would never know. From the age of 16, I tried phonecalls, letters, and the internet to search for him without my Mum knowing, but all to no avail.
Last night, I was on Facebook when I was poked by someone with his name. I poked them back, and then began a conversation by message with him. He told me my Mum's name, said he knew where I was born, and over the course of the night, asked me more about myself, and told me more about him. He told me how my Mum, years ago (when I was about 12) had written him a letter, containing photos of me, and 'accidentally' left a label on the front with her name and address on - he then said that on my 13th birthday he'd driven to our new address to see me, watched as we returned home, and tried to speak to my Mum once I'd gone inside, only to be turned away by her and my Stepdad.
During our talk, he said 'i can't describe how proud i feel, i know that's pretty stupid considering your success has nothing to do with me.' and told me 'your mum phoned me one day where i was working at the time so i asked her to send the photos, you are still quite young in them a couple were done in a photo booth, another one looks like it was done at school,they mean the world to me.'
Obviously, I'm deeply hurt that I was never allowed to talk about my Dad, and that all my life, my Mum's kept from me that she actually had contact with him for over half of my life, and that he'd seen me when I was 13.
Of course, it's all a lot to take in, I'm confused, still unsure that it's all real, and waiting to catch out whoever's playing an incredibly harsh trick on me - but if it IS the truth, I have to deal with this situation...
So this brings me to my points:
Firstly, I just wanted to put the full story into words, to help ME make sense of it, that's the main reason for this post. After all, I use TSR for everything else, why not this?
Secondly, I wanted to see what others thought of this situation - particularly the fact that at some point, I guess, I'll need to let my family know that I'm speaking to him. My plan is to speak to my Mum face-to-face when I visit her at Christmas - but that means keeping this secret for over 2 months, and then facing her with the truth, and all of the questions that I have, which won't be easy considering I've been banned all my life from talking about him, and that's instilled in me. On top of this, until I get confirmation of the above facts from my Mum, I can't be sure the person I'm speaking to IS my real Dad; and even if I mention it to her, who's to say she won't lie to me again?
Though I suppose keeping things secret for 2 months from Mum can't be the hardest part; after all, she kept things from me for 20 years
So yus, I apologise for the long post, and thank anyone who's taken the time to read it...that's my story as of this morning.
I've never known my real Dad. I actually REMEMBER meeting him once, for about 5 minutes, on my 1st Birthday, when he brought me a few presents - he was stood at the door, Mum made me go out and say hi, but I was scared, so hid again at the first opportunity. All I remember of him from that is a shadowy figure, without a face, at the door.
Growing up, I was never really allowed to talk about my Dad; Mum and my Stepdad (who I've always called 'Dad') forbid me from asking information or from finding out about him. All I found out in the past 20 years was his name - Mum did tell me once that she'd broken up with him after he'd told her to have an abortion, but then admitted years later that things had been much more trivial, and that in fact, my real Dad had waited outside the hospital whilst I was born, until he found out that I was okay.
As far as I'd known, all my life; my real Dad was someone I could never ask about, and would never know. From the age of 16, I tried phonecalls, letters, and the internet to search for him without my Mum knowing, but all to no avail.
Last night, I was on Facebook when I was poked by someone with his name. I poked them back, and then began a conversation by message with him. He told me my Mum's name, said he knew where I was born, and over the course of the night, asked me more about myself, and told me more about him. He told me how my Mum, years ago (when I was about 12) had written him a letter, containing photos of me, and 'accidentally' left a label on the front with her name and address on - he then said that on my 13th birthday he'd driven to our new address to see me, watched as we returned home, and tried to speak to my Mum once I'd gone inside, only to be turned away by her and my Stepdad.
During our talk, he said 'i can't describe how proud i feel, i know that's pretty stupid considering your success has nothing to do with me.' and told me 'your mum phoned me one day where i was working at the time so i asked her to send the photos, you are still quite young in them a couple were done in a photo booth, another one looks like it was done at school,they mean the world to me.'
Obviously, I'm deeply hurt that I was never allowed to talk about my Dad, and that all my life, my Mum's kept from me that she actually had contact with him for over half of my life, and that he'd seen me when I was 13.
Of course, it's all a lot to take in, I'm confused, still unsure that it's all real, and waiting to catch out whoever's playing an incredibly harsh trick on me - but if it IS the truth, I have to deal with this situation...
So this brings me to my points:
Firstly, I just wanted to put the full story into words, to help ME make sense of it, that's the main reason for this post. After all, I use TSR for everything else, why not this?
Secondly, I wanted to see what others thought of this situation - particularly the fact that at some point, I guess, I'll need to let my family know that I'm speaking to him. My plan is to speak to my Mum face-to-face when I visit her at Christmas - but that means keeping this secret for over 2 months, and then facing her with the truth, and all of the questions that I have, which won't be easy considering I've been banned all my life from talking about him, and that's instilled in me. On top of this, until I get confirmation of the above facts from my Mum, I can't be sure the person I'm speaking to IS my real Dad; and even if I mention it to her, who's to say she won't lie to me again?
Though I suppose keeping things secret for 2 months from Mum can't be the hardest part; after all, she kept things from me for 20 years
So yus, I apologise for the long post, and thank anyone who's taken the time to read it...that's my story as of this morning.
Also, I don't think you should wait until Christmas to speak to your mum. You've spoken on here about how you're looking forward to going home and seeing your family, especially your little brother. Bringing something like this up at what is already a stressful and emotional time of year would NOT be a good move. Ring her up and do it asap, because otherwise you'll just spend the next 2 months worrying about it, and that scale of worry won't be good for you.
Good luck with it and I hope you manage to sort it so that you can see your dad
Thanks for the responses so far
Angelil, I see the point you're making there - but at the same time I think I'd like to see my Mum's body-language when we talk about this situation; she could say anything over the phone. I'd also be concerned that she'd mention the situation to my family - the idea of them all talking about it behind me back for 2/3 months is worrying!
I think I'd maybe be MORE nervous going back at Christmas knowing that they all know, and not knowing totally how they feel about it. It could change the relationship between me and my brothers and sister greatly, if they understand the situation themselves.
Angelil, I see the point you're making there - but at the same time I think I'd like to see my Mum's body-language when we talk about this situation; she could say anything over the phone. I'd also be concerned that she'd mention the situation to my family - the idea of them all talking about it behind me back for 2/3 months is worrying!
I think I'd maybe be MORE nervous going back at Christmas knowing that they all know, and not knowing totally how they feel about it. It could change the relationship between me and my brothers and sister greatly, if they understand the situation themselves.
It's very likely that he is your real father. After all, why would some random older guy be searching for you on the internet, know all that information about you, and most importantly, know about your estranged dad whom you are forbidden t speak about? I mean, really, how many internet predator stories do you hear that start with "well, he told me he was my dad..."
That said, you still don't know anything about him. Even if your mom has been lying to you and keeping things from you for years, you don't actually know her real reason for keeping him from you. It could (maybe?) be for your own safety. If you do decide to meet up with him, I would strongly advise you to speak to your mom about it first, or *at least* tell a good friend or two what's going on so that *if* something happens (we can never be too safe), they'll know where to begin looking.
Hmmm lastly, I *do* think you should talk to your mom. I would start by telling her you need to talk to her in a serious tone and making sure she has a lot of time to devote to the discussion. I'm not sure, but I might be inclined to think she'd lie more if your stepdad was around. Then, I'd probably say "I know it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about this, and I've refrained for a really long time...but mom, I want you to understand that I need to know more about my father." If she starts getting mad and interrupting, say something like "Mom, it's too late for that. This could be a matter of my personal safety. I have already been in contact with him. I do want to meet him. But I want to know the truth first. Can you please answer some questions for me, honestly? I think I deserve to know after 20 years..."
lol sorry, I'm not asking you to memorize it, but yeah...just be mature I guess, and make it seem like a really serious matter that she can't brush off.
*edit* Although I see where Angelil is coming from in advising you not to do it at Christmas, this might be a conversation better left for face-to-face interaction. Phones are (imo) highly impersonal, and easy to walk away from. I think you would get a lot more out of talking about this face-to-face.
That said, you still don't know anything about him. Even if your mom has been lying to you and keeping things from you for years, you don't actually know her real reason for keeping him from you. It could (maybe?) be for your own safety. If you do decide to meet up with him, I would strongly advise you to speak to your mom about it first, or *at least* tell a good friend or two what's going on so that *if* something happens (we can never be too safe), they'll know where to begin looking.
Hmmm lastly, I *do* think you should talk to your mom. I would start by telling her you need to talk to her in a serious tone and making sure she has a lot of time to devote to the discussion. I'm not sure, but I might be inclined to think she'd lie more if your stepdad was around. Then, I'd probably say "I know it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about this, and I've refrained for a really long time...but mom, I want you to understand that I need to know more about my father." If she starts getting mad and interrupting, say something like "Mom, it's too late for that. This could be a matter of my personal safety. I have already been in contact with him. I do want to meet him. But I want to know the truth first. Can you please answer some questions for me, honestly? I think I deserve to know after 20 years..."
lol sorry, I'm not asking you to memorize it, but yeah...just be mature I guess, and make it seem like a really serious matter that she can't brush off.
*edit* Although I see where Angelil is coming from in advising you not to do it at Christmas, this might be a conversation better left for face-to-face interaction. Phones are (imo) highly impersonal, and easy to walk away from. I think you would get a lot more out of talking about this face-to-face.
cpj1987
Thanks for the responses so far
Angelil, I see the point you're making there - but at the same time I think I'd like to see my Mum's body-language when we talk about this situation; she could say anything over the phone. I'd also be concerned that she'd mention the situation to my family - the idea of them all talking about it behind me back for 2/3 months is worrying!
I think I'd maybe be MORE nervous going back at Christmas knowing that they all know, and not knowing totally how they feel about it. It could change the relationship between me and my brothers and sister greatly, if they understand the situation themselves.
Angelil, I see the point you're making there - but at the same time I think I'd like to see my Mum's body-language when we talk about this situation; she could say anything over the phone. I'd also be concerned that she'd mention the situation to my family - the idea of them all talking about it behind me back for 2/3 months is worrying!
I think I'd maybe be MORE nervous going back at Christmas knowing that they all know, and not knowing totally how they feel about it. It could change the relationship between me and my brothers and sister greatly, if they understand the situation themselves.
OK, can see where you're coming from. In which case it might be best to do that.
Ink
It's very likely that he is your real father. After all, why would some random older guy be searching for you on the internet, know all that information about you, and most importantly, know about your estranged dad whom you are forbidden t speak about? I mean, really, how many internet predator stories do you hear that start with "well, he told me he was my dad..."
That said, you still don't know anything about him. Even if your mom has been lying to you and keeping things from you for years, you don't actually know her real reason for keeping him from you. It could (maybe?) be for your own safety. If you do decide to meet up with him, I would strongly advise you to speak to your mom about it first, or *at least* tell a good friend or two what's going on so that *if* something happens (we can never be too safe), they'll know where to begin looking.
Hmmm lastly, I *do* think you should talk to your mom. I would start by telling her you need to talk to her in a serious tone and making sure she has a lot of time to devote to the discussion. I'm not sure, but I might be inclined to think she'd lie more if your stepdad was around. Then, I'd probably say "I know it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about this, and I've refrained for a really long time...but mom, I want you to understand that I need to know more about my father." If she starts getting mad and interrupting, say something like "Mom, it's too late for that. This could be a matter of my personal safety. I have already been in contact with him. I do want to meet him. But I want to know the truth first. Can you please answer some questions for me, honestly? I think I deserve to know after 20 years..."
lol sorry, I'm not asking you to memorize it, but yeah...just be mature I guess, and make it seem like a really serious matter that she can't brush off.
*edit* Although I see where Angelil is coming from in advising you not to do it at Christmas, this might be a conversation better left for face-to-face interaction. Phones are (imo) highly impersonal, and easy to walk away from. I think you would get a lot more out of talking about this face-to-face.
That said, you still don't know anything about him. Even if your mom has been lying to you and keeping things from you for years, you don't actually know her real reason for keeping him from you. It could (maybe?) be for your own safety. If you do decide to meet up with him, I would strongly advise you to speak to your mom about it first, or *at least* tell a good friend or two what's going on so that *if* something happens (we can never be too safe), they'll know where to begin looking.
Hmmm lastly, I *do* think you should talk to your mom. I would start by telling her you need to talk to her in a serious tone and making sure she has a lot of time to devote to the discussion. I'm not sure, but I might be inclined to think she'd lie more if your stepdad was around. Then, I'd probably say "I know it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about this, and I've refrained for a really long time...but mom, I want you to understand that I need to know more about my father." If she starts getting mad and interrupting, say something like "Mom, it's too late for that. This could be a matter of my personal safety. I have already been in contact with him. I do want to meet him. But I want to know the truth first. Can you please answer some questions for me, honestly? I think I deserve to know after 20 years..."
lol sorry, I'm not asking you to memorize it, but yeah...just be mature I guess, and make it seem like a really serious matter that she can't brush off.
*edit* Although I see where Angelil is coming from in advising you not to do it at Christmas, this might be a conversation better left for face-to-face interaction. Phones are (imo) highly impersonal, and easy to walk away from. I think you would get a lot more out of talking about this face-to-face.
I think that's great advice, thanks!
Yeah I don't get on with my Stepdad so the conversation wouldn't happen in his presence at all - but obviously, she'd tell him once she knew. I don't get on with him at all, which adds to the complications!
I don't intend on meeting him until I've spoken in detail with my Mum about it; I have however, let my best friend in on all of the details, from start to finish, and I intend to keep him updated on everything so that he can help me sort it out, and I'm not in any of it alone - which is great of him.
Angelil
When it comes to telling your mum, see if you can go Christmas shopping together or something, without your stepdad, and try and raise the issue gently then. Might also have the added advantage of not bringing it up around your siblings.
That's a good idea actually. Though I can see both advantages and disadvantages:
We'd be in public. Avoids any MAJOR arguments I guess.
But also, maybe it's far too serious/emotional a topic to discuss in public.
Take that story to the papers
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