Feeling True Blue, Stupid, Idiotic and all the other negative words...

'lo

As the title suggests I'm not at my best at the moment. For a number of years I've been feeling all of the above for long spells occasionally broken by moments of clarity and relative competence when I actually feel like a typical, bonafide human being.

I was recently diagnosed with depression, and I'm taking prozac 20mg once a day at the moment. This seemed to help for a bit, my depressive phase would be cut shorter, about 4 days as opposed to a week and a half and the remainder where days of comparitive bliss.

Unfortunately I haven't taken my pill in 4 days because I lacked the foresight to apply for more before I ran out. Hopefully they'll arrive in the next few days but until then I'm back in familiar nasty territory and I'd have to say it's one of my lowest points.

The problem is I have so many expectations of myself. I've never been confident, never ever, yet there's plenty of reasons I probably should be. I get on well with everyone in my school, have a wide circle of friends (basically everyone is approachable) and a healthy social life at the weekend. People say I'm 'good fun', i.e I'm entertaining. This doesn't seem to be enough to curb my minds anxiety and silence my inner critic though. I obsess over everything I say and THINK as if a judge where staring down his nose at me. As such I lack any impulse whatsoever and have done for a very long time.

Apparantly I used to be a cheery, quick witted and funny sorta guy but when my close friends say this I'm hard pressed to remember when this was. Nowadays I feel dull, my mind moves at a snails pace compared to everyone else. I'm inattentive, always lost in thought, and not the sort of productive thought it's sometimes good to lose yourself in.

I worry that I come across as quite dull to my peers. There's days when I feel different, my good days, when I can laugh like the best of them and get engrossed in a good conversation, but it's like trying to bottle lightning. Then there's the terrible days when I don't feel like contributing at all. I keep conversation to a minimum, stare into space with a scowl on my face and come across as quite the surly headcase.

During these days I feel like the dullest person on earth, the least funny, the least creative and incredibily stupid. Despite this my grades have always been in the A region despite a minimum of effort and I do mean minimum. Also because I'm an obsessive bastard I had my IQ tested around 5 times and found that it usually lies around 122. Nonetheless this brings no comfort to me as I still feel as dumb as a sack of hammers.

It's getting worse. At the moment the whole school is gearing up for the formal and everyones expected to have a date. Now, when I'm feeling good this doesn't seem like quite the Great Wall to scale. But now that I'm depressed it seems like the tallest wall to jump on earth. I've never actually had a girlfriend before at 18, so I reckon I'll be a pretty dull idiotic guy. I had someone in mind, and when I feeling good, I thought it'd be a pretty easy deal to see if I used my supposed 'charm', then before I grew the goods needed to ask I found myself back in the black stuff again.

I'm starting to feel my high points aren't all that great and I've got no 'untapped potential' whatsoever. Really I feel like something on the back of someone's shoe. I don't seem to feel emotion for anything, just the bleak standard despair I'm so accustomed to. I feel totally ****ed up, my head is spinning like it's in a washing machine and nothing seems to make sense to me anymore.

Basically, what I'm wondering is, does anyone else feel like this? Any sucess stories, to give me a bit of hope. The thing is, I'm starting to suspect something deeper than depression. I don't want to have a personality disorder but hell I feel I don't have a personality at all, it's the ways things are looking at the moment I feel like I could easily impersonate a rock on the driveway.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long winded senseless post.

Reply 1

herecomestrouble

;console;

sorry to hear you are going through a bit of a hard time. Im on prozac and have been diagnosed with depression too.. and i also do feel like i have changed a bit: like you i too used to be very chatty/ loud: and i lost it at one point. but i am getting stronger and it is coming back to me. i think my therapy is helping a lot: are there any counsellors/therapists you could try seeing?
I still have never really discovered one particular thing that triggered off my depression but i think i have learnt that it was probably a build up of a lot o things i went through in my life but never really allowed myself to feel upset/angry etc. about and so it has all caught up with me. Thats why now im always trying to talk a bit more about how im feeling to people i feel comfortable doing so with...
Dont know if i have helped much but stay strong and keep your chin up. It will get better and you deserve to be happy.
:hugs:

:hct:

Reply 2

loulouxx

Sorry, but, to me this post sounds like ohmygosh poor me i think im so rubbish yet i know im soo popular & intelligent but i dont know it! :rolleyes:

..corse you do

i know some1 who felt like u say u do, & even though they were very nice & liked they could not see that in the slightest & guenuninly thought evry1 was just being nice but hated him really

This is not the case with you

Reply 3

Jolae

loulouxx

Sorry, but, to me this post sounds like ohmygosh poor me i think im so rubbish yet i know im soo popular & intelligent but i dont know it! :rolleyes:

..corse you do

thats what i said in the post that was deleted :rolleyes:

Reply 4

Spudder

I feel like I'm a few months from getting to that. I am, or have been told that I am the witty, intelligent, funny one, but I have become exceedingly good at supressing and ignoring emotions. I get really down very rarely, and usually when I've gotten very drunk. Anyway good luck with your depression, and just try and force yourself to involve in conversation, it may become second nature after a bit.