I've just done a search through the forum and seen there's 181 pages of hits for anxiety, but reading what people say to other people doesn't seem to help all too much - like reading up on it from wikipedia, mind, nhs, bbc etc - trying to rationalise something away, understand what's going on - but that doesn't stop it happening.
Basically, I'm beginging to think I've got an anxiety problem - though upon reflection it's something I've had for years and thought it was just nerves to get on with. Recently I've had it bad twice within a week (personal statement) and want to do something about it - sitting in terror for 8 hours has never suited me much you see..
Thinking back as far as I can remember I just had fears when going to sleep when younger - and couldnt get to sleep: nuclear war, burglars, aliens, murderous film characters.. I don't remember too much from back then >me trying to rationalise these fears<, but next thing I know is I'm in primary school and am incredibly self conscious about my appearance etc, and in secondary that included issues with my character and voice etc etc. I guess it lead to depression now and then, but I don't think I've had that in a while. But I think it all ties in with this idea of self worth - I try to tell myself that I deserve something and it felt a lot better (personal statement again) but that hasn't changed my outlook and I want to stop it before uni interviews!
See, I got to thinking that I was just shy for public speaking and drama and being in the spotlight and consiquently didn't put myself forwards for things - but when I realised I wanted to and tried to put myself out there I just have these anxieties..
An example, in the summer A2 examinations I was revising the day before some exams and then just thought I don't have enough time!! And there's a trend, I don't have enough time, I haven't a good enough this or that, I'm not good enough.. And it leads to me freezing up. I can't breathe >feels like my lungs just aren't filling up<, my heart pounds heavily, I can't think logically, I can't stop feeling this pure petrified fear..
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I've started talking to people about it and suppose I'm building up to looking for help - but just need some sort of support I guess. I always feel so pathetic and needy, find that I'm clingy in relationships holding onto the idea that at least there's always 1 person that isn't against me when the world seems to be.. But my last one ended with them going to uni, along with all my friends - whilst I take a year out because I just didn't feel ready. There's this thing about making decisions and being ready for things with me, I don't know, it's crazy.
But yeah, shouting out to TSR - do I actually have a problem or?..