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I hate my brother

My parents died when I was 8 and since then I was raised by my brother, who's 20 years older than me. I think my brother felt that it's his duty to ensure that I have an upbringing as normal as possible, and tries to act both as a parent and a sibling. I'd say we have a nice relationship, but recently it's becoming more strained. Recently I started noticing the fact that I get absolutely no freedom while living with him-- He forbids me to go to house parties and clubs; I have a curfew of 11pm; If I get a grade lower than A in a test or something, I'm grounded for up to a week--so whenever I tried to talk to him about relaxing the rules a bit, we just end up having a massive argument. A couple of days ago the argument escalated to the point where I jumped on a plane to Italy where my only other relative--my great-aunt--lives to get away from him.

It's pretty unfair that he had to look after an 8 year old ever since he was 28 and I really do appreciate his effort, but I just wish he'd start realising that I've now grown up, and I am no longer the child who cries herself to sleep every night because she missed her parents so much.

I have to live with him for another year before I can move out to go to uni, and I seriously don't think I can bear feeling so suffocated for that long. What do you think I should do?

Reply 1

Llamaaa

15

I think you should talk to him about it. He was thrown into parenting so didn't have time to prepare. You have to help him, teach him how to treat you. Just talk to him about it.

Reply 2

h82think

14

I suggest you go to a family therapist. They can act as a mediator, so you don't just end up having an argument.

Reply 3

miki_da_magpie

2

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? Cause I have a sister who is doing nothing but rebel atm, and my parents are struggling to cope, so I can't imagine how hard it is for your brother. I understand, however, where you're coming from. It's just as hard on you as a child, as it is on him as a parent. When you talk to him, just try to see where he's coming from as well, and try to show him where you're coming from instead of just trying to get your points across. Works when I talk to my sis. Good luck

Reply 4

truffles

OP

miki_da_magpie

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? Cause I have a sister who is doing nothing but rebel atm, and my parents are struggling to cope, so I can't imagine how hard it is for your brother. I understand, however, where you're coming from. It's just as hard on you as a child, as it is on him as a parent. When you talk to him, just try to see where he's coming from as well, and try to show him where you're coming from instead of just trying to get your points across. Works when I talk to my sis. Good luck

I'm 17.

Whenever I try to negotiate, he goes scarily insane and I end up running out of the house. So I've sort of given up. :s-smilie:

Reply 5

miki_da_magpie

2

truffles

I'm 17.

Whenever I try to negotiate, he goes scarily insane and I end up running out of the house. So I've sort of given up. :s-smilie:

Then you're not negotiating very well. Someone who has cared for you for 9 years deserves quite a bit of patience and effort I think. As I said before, don't go into the conversation trying to make him understand you... try to understand his situation, and then try to make his views accept yours. Take your time, no matter what he says, try to listen and not get angry. Sometimes you just have to take the barbs and the angry words. And when you do that you will feel better about having tried hard, and he will (hopefully) understand you and respet you for having made the effort.
Ofcourse it shouldnt just be you trying to please him, but considering he has worked for you half his life, you should probably be ready to give more than you expect to receive.
Sometimes im best friends with my sister, sometimes we throw books (well she does) at eachother. The important bit, is being able to get back to being friends after and talking about it.

Reply 6

gbduo

15

Remember that he has no idea how to be a parent so you are both learning together but the 'parent' has to make a stand. Also, i am assuming you are a girl because frankly you write like one so also remember that brothers and fathers are VERY protective of their sisters/daughters in general so you just have to explain to him how you are going to be safe and look after yourself and you should be able to get somewhere. Keep him informed of where you are and just appease him.

He has done a good job on bringing you up in difficult circumstances, just cut him some slack and try to see where he is coming from as his baby sister is growning up and that is scary for any parent/brother, especially in the climate we live in today. Say could you go out with him and spend some time with him and during that time, perhaps float the idea of going out some of your mates to x place at x time, this is emergency phone number etc etc.

Graham

Reply 7

theworm

1

Your brother is probably feeling anxious about you going onto uni as like you stated you parents passed away when you were 8. He may feel that he is losing the only remaining family he has left. The fact he is concerned about letting you go out partying shows he really cares about you and is only doing his best to protect you. Let him know that you want a bit more freedom as you are beginning to resent the restrictions placed on you. He may not agree to letting you go out until the early morning but will prob relax the time he expects you back. You also said you are going to uni next year and so if you are still studying and are in your final year he prob just wants you to focus and do your best as he realizes the importance of the final year and what it could mean for your future. :wink:

Reply 8

BabyBee

If you think about it, he lost his parents and became a parent at the same time! It must be pretty intense for him and i'm sure it can't have been easy at all (i'm not saying it was easy for you either). He is probably trying to do the best he can for you, as he thinks your parents might have wanted. He has probably given a lot up for you too.

If talking only ends in arguements write him a letter explaining how you feel, mention how you appreciate all he has done for you. But then point out that grades aren't everything and that you are doing your best etc etc. If you write a letter and leave him a while to read it he'll get a chance to think and maybe things will get better!
good luck x

I hate my brother

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