'Unofficial engagement'

Quite a few of my friends and sometimes my boyfriend come on here, so…
Okay, so I’m kinda unofficially engaged. As in, I don’t have a ring, but that is mostly because of money issues… I’m at uni and my boyfriend is going next year, so it seems a bit silly. But it is taken for granted that we will get married, we talk about our life together, where we will live, and so on, and about our wedding. And I know that I could quite happily spend the rest of my life with him. But at the same time, I’m terrified.
I’m a lot brighter than him, and have put a lot into my education… I got good A levels and I’m going to a good uni… whereas he failed his GCSEs, had to take the city and guilds English and Maths, and is now at college doing graphic design- he will be 20 when he finishes next year. He assumes that he can get into uni, but I know that its not that easy- I was rejected from my top choice even though I was predicted all A’s, and my AS grades were all at A. I am scared that I can’t reach my true potential with him. I have always planned on teaching overseas, but that will be difficult trailing a fiancé/husband who isn’t also a teacher… so I don’t think it will be possible.
I also come from a ‘better’ social background than him, and whilst I, Obviously don’t care, my stepmother does, and she hates him. She refuses to meet him- she did, once, on our first date, for about 5 minutes, and even uses such stupid reasons for disliking him as ‘his eyes are too small’.
One part of me thinks that I should break it off to live my life, but I am perfectly happy with him, and, as I said, could spend the rest of my life with him… and I just don’t know what to do! I would break my heart and his if I were to finish it, but will it break my heart to stay with him… after all, we only get one chance at life!

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Reply 1

dh00001

you dont know if you should be with him because you think youre better than him? :rolleyes:

follow your dreams by all means but dont belittle someone else.

Reply 2

Clubber Lang

Toughie - what does he think of your future plans?

Reply 3

username47781

Well you make an agreement to get engaged yet you are not sure what you really want, me thinks you have rushed this. You can't predict the future and there is no guarntee you two will survive, especially as you are going to different uni's.

This could be very messy if this goes wrong.

Reply 4

Helenia

So basically, you like the idea of talking about weddings and children, but you aren't actually sure if a future with him is compatible with your life plan?

Firstly, if this is the case, I wouldn't rush into solidifying your commitment any further by buying a ring or planning the wedding properly. Secondly, while I wouldn't say break up with him immediately, you need to be realistic about where you're going.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

It's not that I just like the idea of talking about weddings, etc, its that I can't see how the two things I want the most are compatible. I know I have to give one up, but which one?

Reply 6

HereFishyFishy

Goodness me! Why do you have to be 'unofficially engaged'!? What.is.the.point? Especially if you're not even sure about him. I really do think it is silly to complicate things like that.

Reply 7

HereFishyFishy

Anonymous

It's not that I just like the idea of talking about weddings, etc, its that I can't see how the two things I want the most are compatible. I know I have to give one up, but which one?

What!? Just because he doesn't get the grades and has a different social background, you think you have to give one up!?

You really don't...but if you think like that, it ultimately suggests that it will get in the way for you, personally.

Reply 8

Neilio

Laces

Goodness me! Why do you have to be 'unofficially engaged'!? What.is.the.point? Especially if you're not even sure about him. I really do think it is silly to complicate things like that.

here here!

Reply 9

Helenia

Anonymous

It's not that I just like the idea of talking about weddings, etc, its that I can't see how the two things I want the most are compatible. I know I have to give one up, but which one?

At this stage, neither. But you shouldn't take this "unofficial engagement" any further until you've decided what you DO want.

Reply 10

BlackHawk

There is no such thing as being unofficially engaged.

Talking about and doing are two separate things entirely.

To be honest, getting engaged when you're having so many doubts seems pointless. Keep talking about the future, but you don't have to commit to anything.

Reply 11

Llamaaa

Tell him how you think he will hold you back because he is below you. Then he might well break up with you, and whoopee problem solved.

Reply 12

Prince Rhyus

One of my exes told me a few months after meeting a new man that they were unofficially engaged. A few months later he dumped her.

Reply 13

Jennybean

Prince Rhyus

One of my exes told me a few months after meeting a new man that they were unofficially engaged. A few months later he dumped her.

What a charming story.

OP I would suggest that unless you are absolutely sure of the commitment you are making then there is no point getting engaged - "officially" or otherwise. If your partner is serious about you two having a future together then he will be quite happy to accommodate your life plans, the teaching and travelling you speak of etc. He doesn't have to come with you does he? And if you think that you wouldn't be able to make your relationship work if you couldn't be together all the time then there's even less point making a big commitment.

I think that if your relationship is serious enough that you can be talking about marriage, babies etc then you should be talking to him about all this, not TSR. You never know, perhaps you've got one step ahead of yourself here and he thinks it's all just a bit of fun to talk about your future together. God knows my partner and I discuss this stuff all the time but the second we have an argument it's like it never happened and we're just back to being another unstable young couple who could break up at any time for whatever reason. Without wanting to tread on any toes I would hesitantly suggest that very few people of our age have the necessary life experience to be making proper commitments with any real meaning.

If I were you I would concentrate on having fun with this guy you love for the next couple of years, have a good time at uni, then when you're both out the other side you can think about marriage. After all, if you're really destined to spend the rest of your lives together, it doesn't really matter at what point you have the ceremony and you may find that the relationship breaks up before that point, in which case it would be foolish right now to make him believe you're definitely going to marry him.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Thanks, Jennybean.Thats probably the most comforting advice i've had...

Reply 15

Jennybean

Not a problem, hope everything works out for you :smile:

Reply 16

Little Girl Red

I think that many young couples do start to talk about marriage and babies etc, but its fairly uncommon for it to work out. Having said that, my boyf and I certainly started talking about that fairly soon in to our relationship and we ARE now married, so whilst uncommon, it doesn't mean that it can't happen.

Even the people in the most solid relationship can have a period of doubting whether or not the relationship is the best thing for them and their life. I've certainly done it. I think that your perspective on the relationship will change during your time at uni, which is a testing time for couples, whether at the same uni or in completely different places. You change a lot and make new friends and all of a sudden, the relationship takes on a different significance.

Maybe you should avoid thinking too deeply about this and just take life as it comes. Get through uni and then see how things stand.

Reply 17

nougat

You're clearly not perfectly happy with him if you're having these doubts though. You are very very very young, and will in the course of your life meet many people who you really desperately want to spend the rest of your life with and who are more suited to you than your current boyfriend. It's not true that opposites attract; the fundamental ways in which you view life have to be similar, your work ethic and motivation sound completely different from his, and, if you're honest with yourself, I'm sure you know that in a long term, building-for-our-future style relationship that just wouldn't work. Just because the relationship is nice and you like the idea of the security and certainty it provides doesn't mean this guy is, as cheesy and horrific as this sounds, 'the one', the one person you fall madly in love with, who comes along at the right time and is right for you. It seems to me that you're worried because you care about this guy a lot and you want this solid plan you've talked about laid out in front of you, but you don't know if it's really right and really gonna work. In all honesty, I don't think it is going to, it sounds like, right at the heart of the issue, you feel like you're selling yourself short a little, and you probably are. Don't over complicate the relationship you have now by putting pressure on it to be lifelong material - it is possible to have a good and, in many ways, meaningful relationship without it being the one you intend to keep for life.

Reply 18

Ellie1989

not meaning to sound rude but you sound a bit ... stuck up in that u would change what you want to do because of other peoples views etc. if you can see yourself spending the restof your life with him i dont understand why you said you couldnt see him goin broad or whatever.

Reply 19

prettygreeneyes99

Is there any real need to get engaged at this precise moment in time? Im nearly 21 and the thought of getting engaged at my age scares the crap out of me, even though I love my boyfriend very much and wouldnt be without him! Why not just tell him to wait a year or two so you can do it properly with a ring etc... and in that time your free to sort out your head as to whether marriage etc is really something you want to get into with him..