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daughters and their mothers
i am struggling to understand the situation i am going through.
About four months ago i get a call from my ex ranint and raving about our daughter. The mother was very clear, she would end up harming her,didnt want her there and she was to move in with me. Later on that day she brought her over with her clothes and basically dumped her on my door and telling the child she was hated and was not wanted at their house ever again!!!
I told her that social needed to be invloved {she sent the the child to school that day with bruises from a wooden spooon and a teacher had noticed}. We got hold of social who told my daughter that her mum loved her but could not live with her because they rubbed each other up the wrong way. Meanwhile the mum was telling her she was never going back there, telling me if i took her back she would leave her on the door-step 'til social services took her. When they spoke again the child told her mum she accepted the situation and hoped they could meet in the future, so her mum replied she was so angry that she could say something so hateful and hung up!!!
Time passed to this week-end. Im expecting her back from the now weekily visits to her mum only to get a text saying her mum has asked her to live back there and she was not coming back. WTF??
This behaviour is usual apparently, the child rejected by the mother always goes running back when it's offered. I have no legal recourse since she wants to be with her mother. Social services said they will open the case again as they shut it because they were happy the child was safe with me.
This is not uncommon behaviour on mother's part. A list includes:
hitting child with saucepan
losing temper and putting knife through kitchen cupboard
been spoken to by primary school about marks on childs face
child spent all day in head's office saying mum had pushed door in her face, later changed to it was a cold sore.
she has told her she wanted her out so eshe had to sleep at neighbours house.
Kicked her out and only let her back in because she was hitting door so hard.
they had family therapy and she started shouting at the child and swearing in the session
she admitted she punched the child to add to numerous incidents of face slapping
mum put her in room and wrapped thread around door so if it was broken when she got back she would know the child had left her room
etc etc
WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE WANT TO GO BACK TO THIS LIFE? im not perfect, i tell her off when she does not try with her school work (which was the only reason offered at the one time i was invited to family therapy session when they asked why she didn't like me) but it is a really frustrating experience but i think the world of her and would do anything for her so although she was with me for 4 months all the pain her mum caused her is forgotten the first time she is offered a way back. I think itts more to do with money. All the benefits she was claiming plus CSA have now stopped and the csa put my claim to her last fri. Coincidence maybe but 16 wks wants nothing to do with child, csa form arrives and she has her back next time she sees her.
About four months ago i get a call from my ex ranint and raving about our daughter. The mother was very clear, she would end up harming her,didnt want her there and she was to move in with me. Later on that day she brought her over with her clothes and basically dumped her on my door and telling the child she was hated and was not wanted at their house ever again!!!
I told her that social needed to be invloved {she sent the the child to school that day with bruises from a wooden spooon and a teacher had noticed}. We got hold of social who told my daughter that her mum loved her but could not live with her because they rubbed each other up the wrong way. Meanwhile the mum was telling her she was never going back there, telling me if i took her back she would leave her on the door-step 'til social services took her. When they spoke again the child told her mum she accepted the situation and hoped they could meet in the future, so her mum replied she was so angry that she could say something so hateful and hung up!!!
Time passed to this week-end. Im expecting her back from the now weekily visits to her mum only to get a text saying her mum has asked her to live back there and she was not coming back. WTF??
This behaviour is usual apparently, the child rejected by the mother always goes running back when it's offered. I have no legal recourse since she wants to be with her mother. Social services said they will open the case again as they shut it because they were happy the child was safe with me.
This is not uncommon behaviour on mother's part. A list includes:
hitting child with saucepan
losing temper and putting knife through kitchen cupboard
been spoken to by primary school about marks on childs face
child spent all day in head's office saying mum had pushed door in her face, later changed to it was a cold sore.
she has told her she wanted her out so eshe had to sleep at neighbours house.
Kicked her out and only let her back in because she was hitting door so hard.
they had family therapy and she started shouting at the child and swearing in the session
she admitted she punched the child to add to numerous incidents of face slapping
mum put her in room and wrapped thread around door so if it was broken when she got back she would know the child had left her room
etc etc
WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE WANT TO GO BACK TO THIS LIFE? im not perfect, i tell her off when she does not try with her school work (which was the only reason offered at the one time i was invited to family therapy session when they asked why she didn't like me) but it is a really frustrating experience but i think the world of her and would do anything for her so although she was with me for 4 months all the pain her mum caused her is forgotten the first time she is offered a way back. I think itts more to do with money. All the benefits she was claiming plus CSA have now stopped and the csa put my claim to her last fri. Coincidence maybe but 16 wks wants nothing to do with child, csa form arrives and she has her back next time she sees her.
I'm really sorry but this is THE STUDENT ROOM. Lately I've noticed so many people talking about their kids on this forum, seriously what advice do you think you're going to get from a bunch of 12-20 year olds about childcare? 
Whilst I understand the situation you're in is a fragile one and you need advice, you need to call a professional agency such as a Social Worker or whatever local council agency you can find. Don't post it on a student forum.
Whilst I understand the situation you're in is a fragile one and you need advice, you need to call a professional agency such as a Social Worker or whatever local council agency you can find. Don't post it on a student forum.
Reply 3
Agreed, really you are better taking it up with social services rather than on TSR. Sorry to be harsh, I know it is a horrible situation to be in.
Oh PS if the mother is doing all that stuff you listed you must inform your local Social Care Unit or someone like the NSPCC. If this goes on and your daughter is seriously injured and you knew about it, you're going to feel crap for the rest of your life! The things you describe are horrific! 
dobbs
I'm really sorry but this is THE STUDENT ROOM. Lately I've noticed so many people talking about their kids on this forum, seriously what advice do you think you're going to get from a bunch of 12-20 year olds about childcare?
Whilst I understand the situation you're in is a fragile one and you need advice, you need to call a professional agency such as a Social Worker or whatever local council agency you can find. Don't post it on a student forum.
Whilst I understand the situation you're in is a fragile one and you need advice, you need to call a professional agency such as a Social Worker or whatever local council agency you can find. Don't post it on a student forum.
you do realise that students can be any age? there is a 35 year old man studying scandinavian studies in my year and a mid 40's woman studying icelandic with me.
most masters students are in their mid to late 20s whilst PHD students are usually middle aged after having to save money for the degree.
sort of scuppers that argument.
I'm unclear as to what you need advice about. Is it the fact that your daughter is living with you, yet would rather live with her abusive mother, and that you don't know how to get her to enjoy living with you?
How old is your daughter.
Why do you keep referring to her as "the child", instead of "my child" or "my daughter"? You seem to speak about her as though she is a stranger!
I noticed aswell that you said "I think the world of her" but not "I love her". DO you love her, or do you just like her a lot?
Could it be that maybe the reason she wants to go back, is because although her mother is awful to her, she is a familiar person. Someone she has known from birth. Whereas I presume that you maybe haven't been around much in her life? (forgive me if that's incorrect). Maybe she's desperate for some stability, and the only thing she's used to is her mother, despite the abuse she gets from her.
I'm no psychologist, but as a mother I do know that kids thrive on routine, and being with you now is obviously a world away from anything she experienced before with her mam.
How old is your daughter.
Why do you keep referring to her as "the child", instead of "my child" or "my daughter"? You seem to speak about her as though she is a stranger!
I noticed aswell that you said "I think the world of her" but not "I love her". DO you love her, or do you just like her a lot?
Could it be that maybe the reason she wants to go back, is because although her mother is awful to her, she is a familiar person. Someone she has known from birth. Whereas I presume that you maybe haven't been around much in her life? (forgive me if that's incorrect). Maybe she's desperate for some stability, and the only thing she's used to is her mother, despite the abuse she gets from her.
I'm no psychologist, but as a mother I do know that kids thrive on routine, and being with you now is obviously a world away from anything she experienced before with her mam.
Hylean
you do realise that students can be any age? there is a 35 year old man studying scandinavian studies in my year and a mid 40's woman studying icelandic with me.
most masters students are in their mid to late 20s whilst PHD students are usually middle aged after having to save money for the degree.
sort of scuppers that argument.
most masters students are in their mid to late 20s whilst PHD students are usually middle aged after having to save money for the degree.
sort of scuppers that argument.
Fair enough there are mature students, but they make up a tiny percentage of the amount of students, and in all fairness - I am willing to bet that an even smaller percentage of those actually post on TSR.
My point is that the situation that the OP is in is something that is unlikely to be what any of the members of TSR have gone through before. Why do people ask for advice on this forum? Because others have gone through the same thing.
To evariste: I had nothing useful to add? Erm I think I gave advice to the OP - don't ask about that situation on a forum that is mainly populated by teenagers who won't really be experienced to help him out. So really, I gave my advice, whether you agree with it or not.
And whilst some may have gone through what his daughter is going through - that's really not the issue at hand here. It's what he should do about the situation he is in. Fair enough yeah he can learn a bit more about what his daughter may be thinking and going through, but the essence of the problem is that he needs to seek professional advice.
The situation he is in is an incredibly serious and sensitive one, my original post may have sounded harsh but this is the reason - his daughter is quite clearly living with a fragile mother and he comes and seeks advice on a forum (as I have said) mainly populated by teenagers. Not helpful. Seek advice from the Police, from the NSPCC, from Social Care, whomever. But the last place he should be looking is TSR.
Reply 8
just trying to see if anyone would be willing to share why they stay with/ go back to an abusive parent.
PinkMobilePhone
he is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.
PinkMobilePhone
he is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.dobbs
Fair enough there are mature students, but they make up a tiny percentage of the amount of students, and in all fairness - I am willing to bet that an even smaller percentage of those actually post on TSR.
We have a mature students society on TSR you know, and a mature students section of the forum.
Anonymous
PinkMobilePhonehe is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.
PinkMobilePhone
he is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.okay, my apologies, it was just the way you phrased things. It sounded as though you were rather distant from her.
Edit: I'm still curious though as to how old she is. Teenagers, for example, think very differently to 5 or 6 year olds!
Anonymous
just trying to see if anyone would be willing to share why they stay with/ go back to an abusive parent.
PinkMobilePhonehe is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.
PinkMobilePhone
he is loved unconditionally by me, i had weekly access + holidays since she was 5 before this.If you love her unconditionally you wouldn't sit back and let her mother be abusive to her. At what point will you realise that it's gone too far? When a limb is broken? When she has a serious burn/scald? When? Because as I say, if something happens one day which damages your daughter in a permanent way (though the amount of emotional damage that she'll be enduring is hard to imagine!) you will not be able to forgive yourself for not reporting it
EDIT: Sorry that sounds really harsh, I'm just worried that you seem to be not so bothered that her mother is abusing her but more bothered that your daughter wants to go back to her.
Pinkmobilephone: I did not know there was a mature section, apologies for that. However, as I've said, my outburst was in anger at someone posting on a forum mainly populated by teenagers (whether there is a mature section or not) on an issue which is so serious it should be taken up with an official organisation.
Reply 12
dobbs
Fair enough there are mature students, but they make up a tiny percentage of the amount of students, and in all fairness - I am willing to bet that an even smaller percentage of those actually post on TSR.
My point is that the situation that the OP is in is something that is unlikely to be what any of the members of TSR have gone through before. Why do people ask for advice on this forum? Because others have gone through the same thing.
To evariste: I had nothing useful to add? Erm I think I gave advice to the OP - don't ask about that situation on a forum that is mainly populated by teenagers who won't really be experienced to help him out. So really, I gave my advice, whether you agree with it or not.
And whilst some may have gone through what his daughter is going through - that's really not the issue at hand here. It's what he should do about the situation he is in. Fair enough yeah he can learn a bit more about what his daughter may be thinking and going through, but the essence of the problem is that he needs to seek professional advice.
The situation he is in is an incredibly serious and sensitive one, my original post may have sounded harsh but this is the reason - his daughter is quite clearly living with a fragile mother and he comes and seeks advice on a forum (as I have said) mainly populated by teenagers. Not helpful. Seek advice from the Police, from the NSPCC, from Social Care, whomever. But the last place he should be looking is TSR.
My point is that the situation that the OP is in is something that is unlikely to be what any of the members of TSR have gone through before. Why do people ask for advice on this forum? Because others have gone through the same thing.
To evariste: I had nothing useful to add? Erm I think I gave advice to the OP - don't ask about that situation on a forum that is mainly populated by teenagers who won't really be experienced to help him out. So really, I gave my advice, whether you agree with it or not.
And whilst some may have gone through what his daughter is going through - that's really not the issue at hand here. It's what he should do about the situation he is in. Fair enough yeah he can learn a bit more about what his daughter may be thinking and going through, but the essence of the problem is that he needs to seek professional advice.
The situation he is in is an incredibly serious and sensitive one, my original post may have sounded harsh but this is the reason - his daughter is quite clearly living with a fragile mother and he comes and seeks advice on a forum (as I have said) mainly populated by teenagers. Not helpful. Seek advice from the Police, from the NSPCC, from Social Care, whomever. But the last place he should be looking is TSR.
I am getting professional advice about this.
Police will do a welfare report but as soon as my child says she wants to be there they can do nothing, i have no residency order. Social service are reviewing the file they have about my ex.
dobbs
Pinkmobilephone: I did not know there was a mature section, apologies for that. However, as I've said, my outburst was in anger at someone posting on a forum mainly populated by teenagers (whether there is a mature section or not) on an issue which is so serious it should be taken up with an official organisation.
Pinkmobilephone: I did not know there was a mature section, apologies for that. However, as I've said, my outburst was in anger at someone posting on a forum mainly populated by teenagers (whether there is a mature section or not) on an issue which is so serious it should be taken up with an official organisation.
yeh you're right it ought to be taken up with the proper authorities rather than just being posted about on here. It's a very serious matter.
Just thought you might like to know that us oldies do come on here aswell that's all
Reply 15
PinkMobilePhone
okay, my apologies, it was just the way you phrased things. It sounded as though you were rather distant from her.
Edit: I'm still curious though as to how old she is. Teenagers, for example, think very differently to 5 or 6 year olds!
Edit: I'm still curious though as to how old she is. Teenagers, for example, think very differently to 5 or 6 year olds!
She is now 13. As for dobbs, it's not as easy as i call someone and they go in and take her away. As she is 13 her voice is heard, and she will stick up for her mother and say all is well. That is what she told me yesterday,apparently she will be fine because her mum has changed. Maybe i did not express my question clearl (although it is in capitals) but i have certainly not posted here for adice on what to do, just on the chance someone has/is going experiences with an abusive parent and can share with me their thoughts.
Anonymous
She is now 13. As for dobbs, it's not as easy as i call someone and they go in and take her away. As she is 13 her voice is heard, and she will stick up for her mother and say all is well. That is what she told me yesterday,apparently she will be fine because her mum has changed. Maybe i did not express my question clearl (although it is in capitals) but i have certainly not posted here for adice on what to do, just on the chance someone has/is going experiences with an abusive parent and can share with me their thoughts.
Ah well I apologise - for some reason I had the impression that she was far far younger (under 6) in which case Social Services generally would have acted far quicker in a case like this.
I understand that they can be slow - I've worked with kids for some time now and over the summer I managed a residential camp for kids, the number of times I needed to contact social services and they just claimed the "Couldn't do anything about it" was horrendous, even with the things some kids told us!
Anyway, it's comforting to hear that the proper channels are being sought and hopefully your daughter will not have to endure it much longer. I can't understand or claim to know why she would go back to her mother, so apologies for not being able to help any further.
I woman I used to work with was horrible to her kids. Really a nasty piece of work, yet the eldest always stuck up for her, it was only when her 6 year old kept crying at school saying she didn't want to go home they looked into it.
I don't know what to suggest though Perhaps try and bond more with your daughter.
I don't know what to suggest though
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