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Helping boyfriend

My boyfriend's granddad died last week, he was on the train up to stay with me at the time, only staying here to be closer to him as he couldn't face going home/upset relatives. Anyway he's now gone home and I'm seeing him Thursday - Sunday (which was planned ages ago), but in these few days inbetween he's finding it hard not having anyone to turn to. We're 4 hours apart, and both in our 3rd week of Uni, and he's not got any close friends at the moment which means he's finding it really hard. Obviously when I see him I'll look after him as best as I can, but I'm worried about what'll happen to him when I leave. I'm not going to the funeral with him (don't ask!) so won't see him until middle of November. At the moment it's driving me mad not being able to help him. Anyone got any advice for me?

Reply 1

randomgirl

Just make sure you are there if he wants to chat. I mean it isn't the same as face to face but msn/phone calls/texts are better than nothing.

Just make sure he knows that you are there for him. I'm sure he will appreciate everything you've done/continue to do for him.

Reply 2

username91207

All I can suggest is you call him every day so he has you to talk to, I assume that would help but I'm no expert :s-smilie:

Reply 3

htid

I have no idea WHY you're not coming to the funeral and you said don't ask so I won't....but my nan has died half a year ago and because my bf lives in England and was in his final year at uni there was no way he could come. However, I would have needed him really badly. It's hard with all those people around you being sad - they can give you support but you also have to support them. Your bf/gf could just support you and be there for you and you don't have to be strong.

Calling is a good idea I agree, just let him talk about his granddad if he feels the need, otherwise I'd say ask if it's ok for you to mention him, maybe he prefers to not think of it all the time.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

I'm not allowed to go to the funeral because his mum won't let me to put it bluntly.
And I'm trying to be there for him but he's just accused me of not helping him and said that all we did this weekend was have sex and argue. I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face because he refuses to let me be there for him. And now we don't even know if we're seeing each other this week. I'm so confused.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

He's now just told me that if I'm coming down to see him then can I tell him as soon as possible, then went offline, no goodbye, nothing. I'm sorry for all the posting but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Reply 6

username47781

I guess his emotions are all mixed up after suffering a loss of a family member, maybe he doesn't mean to take it out personally on you. Just give him a bit of space and if he calls try and talk to him :smile:

Reply 7

Liberties

Given the situation, giving him 'space' might just make him feel worse. I'd say just be very kind and make sure he KNOWS that you want to help him.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

So do I go down to see him or not then?

Reply 9

htid

Yeah I agree.... tbh even if he would say he doesn't need your help (which would be quite strange) I would keep offering it. No one wants to be alone in that type of situation, sometimes just being close can help, without any talking. Let him know he's not alone and be calm.... he's the one who needs special treatment now, he may say things he doesn't mean because he's confused, so be careful and forgiving.

Reply 10

htid

Anonymous

So do I go down to see him or not then?

I say you tell him you'd like to see him and ask him if he's ok with that.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Thanks htid and everyone else who's responded, I just sent him a message saying: unless I hear otherwise I'm still coming down and I'll be at the station at 21.30 on thursday. I don't know why we're arguing or what we can do about it but hopefully we can sort things out. I'm here if you want to text me/talk to me but I'll understand if you don't. I'm sorry for making things worse for you and I wish I wasn't - I don't even know why I am. All I know is I love you and hopefully I'll see you on Thursday. I love you."

Haven't heard anything back but I'll leave it a while. I guess I was just being there for him too much and he was getting a bit fed up with it?

Reply 12

htid

I don't think it's your fault really, it's no one's. It's hard to know for you what to do, because everyone reacts differently when suffering a loss so there's no standard way of how to help people best. The person suffering may not even know himself what he wants so it's all very confusing.

I'm glad to help :smile:

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