The Student Room Group

Have I blown my chance of being happy at university?

Please leave as anon or delete. Thanks!

Sorry for the essay.....

I started uni just over two weeks ago. I'm shy and introverted and find social situations very intimidating. I've met a few people who can I chat to in the dinner line or say "Hi" to as we pass, but no true "friends" and nobody I can call and say "do you fancy going out tonight?".

The thing is, it seems like everyone else is settled, adjusted, comfortable and happy. I went to the canteen for dinner this evening and went through my usual "oh my god who am I going to sit next to". Whenever I sit next to people they all talk amongst themselves and never integrate me. Sometimes I try to involve myself by making a comment but it just ends quickly and they continue chatting amongst themselves leaving me left out and looking like a loner. I feel like I have something written on my head saying "please don't talk to me I don't want any friends". I don't know if this is true, but it seems sooooo much easier for girls - the couple of girls who were shy and quiet have been welcomed into groups and integrated with the social scene. As a guy, I just feel like nobody gives a ******.

I'm too scared to go to the bar or union in the evenings because everyone would be chatting in groups and I will be left just standing there alone like a freak. It feels like it is too late to still be saying to people "Hey! What's your name? Where you from? What you studying?" That kind of stuff was easy and suitable during Freshers Week but seems past it now and I think people would think "WTF?" if I started it all up again. I find it embarrasing when people say "so what did you do last night?" in lectures and stuff, because I can never say anything interesting as I haven't been out.

I am getting some help (starting a group session about building confidence and getting rid of social anxiety) but this doesn't start for a couple of weeks. I am so scared that I am going to be by myself for three years missing my family, home and old friends. :frown:

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Reply 1

its never too late to make friends. it sounds like youre willing to give it a go but need to make more than just one comment when you start talking to people.
ask some open questions to people and dont be afraid to go to new places to try and find new people to chat to.
its easy to say and hard to do but push yourself and you will do it

Reply 2

just think about the friends your going to make at these confidence building class' , all in the same position of you
just get chatty to people
the last thing that is going to help is sitting in your room all the time
go out to the union, just sit at the bar or something
you will get talking

Hope everything goes ok :smile:

Reply 3

I am in exactly the same situation.
It's so hard.
The only thing you can do is try to talk to people. When I'm in lectures and seminars I try to talk to the person next to me. Just ask them if they read the book we were supposed to and stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I hate talking to people though, and I feel so isolated.
The only thing you can do is carry on trying to involve yourself with people. Sooner or later you'll find someone you click with. "Best friends" doesn't happen overnight. It will get easier.
Good luck.

Reply 4

I had the same thing when I went to uni, and I know it's not fun. Did you join any societies or anything at Freshers Fare? Is it too late for you to join any now? I know it's not the easiest thing to do [I had to force myself to go and join things, as I hate being on my own and making moves like that!] but the groups I joined helped. I did Nightline when I was at Uni and the training meant that I was forced to be in the same room with lots of other people for two days and doing group activities with them which kinda inevitiably ends up with friends or at least you knowing people hopefully well enough to ask out for a drink or something. Are you in halls? How about asking a couple of people in the rooms around you if they want to do a halls drink thing one night or something?
Hopefully this'll help but not sure how helpful it is :-) Good luck though! x

Reply 5

Rachel Revenge
I am in exactly the same situation.
It's so hard.
The only thing you can do is try to talk to people. When I'm in lectures and seminars I try to talk to the person next to me. Just ask them if they read the book we were supposed to and stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I hate talking to people though, and I feel so isolated.
The only thing you can do is carry on trying to involve yourself with people. Sooner or later you'll find someone you click with. "Best friends" doesn't happen overnight. It will get easier.
Good luck.


Uve made me worried... my "bio" is kinda the same as yours (straight edge.. and AFI fan). Obviously liking AFI does not make people hate you, but I am worried not drinking at uni will make me an outcast :frown:

Is this the main reason you find it difficult to make close friends?

I'm scared they will tease me etc etc... but I don't want to comprimise my beliefs!

Reply 6

Join a society. A great way to meet new people and have some fun.

And don't worry about dinner, I used to struggle to find people to sit with as well so I took a book with me. Then someone else with a book joined me, and then another, and eventually we had a "reading while eating" table. It was nice, didn't talk much but it still felt communal.

Reply 7

Join a society. A great way to meet new people and have some fun.

+1

Even if it's just something like the RAG; but joining a society and finding people with similar interests is good. Especially as most societies haven't had time to get their social groups set up yet :smile:

Reply 8

stolenstars
Uve made me worried... my "bio" is kinda the same as yours (straight edge.. and AFI fan). Obviously liking AFI does not make people hate you, but I am worried not drinking at uni will make me an outcast :frown:

Is this the main reason you find it difficult to make close friends?

I'm scared they will tease me etc etc... but I don't want to comprimise my beliefs!


I think not drinking makes it a little difficult. People seem to bond over getting wasted. Go figure. But a lot of people aren't too bothered by me being sxe. And if they think drinking is so cool, do you wanna hang with them anyway? Don't ever break edge for someone else.

My main reason for not making friends easily is more to do with my own shyness though. Sometimes I find it physically impossible to approach people and I have no clue what to say. The best thing to do is talk to people in class, because you already have something in common.
Or do what I do, go on Myspace and find other AFI fans in your uni. They're out there somewhere!

PM if you want.
xxx

Reply 9

MentalSarcasm
And don't worry about dinner, I used to struggle to find people to sit with as well so I took a book with me. Then someone else with a book joined me, and then another, and eventually we had a "reading while eating" table. It was nice, didn't talk much but it still felt communal.


I know this doesn't really help the OP, but I just want to say that I consider that completely awesome. :biggrin:

Reply 10

I think the solution to your problem depends on the root cause.

If it is just the fact that you have not met yet anyone that you could be friends with then obviously societies are a good idea as they exist to basically bring people together with the same interests. If on the other hand however, the problem is that you can't connect with people that could potentially be your friend then this is a different issue. I think it is good that you have signed up for them self improvement courses as hopefully they will allow you to learn skills that will allow you to overcome the social barriers you face. I must stress though that obviously no course can effectively teach you to be confident, and self esteem and confidence require a lot of work and sometimes occassionaly going out of your comfort zone. I guess the trick is to choose scenarios that are likely to have a positive outcome, as just randomly sitting at a bar alone could potentially very easily end up with you feeling even worse.

Finally, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel too disheartend by your university experience so far. Freshers forget that a lot can happen throughout the duration of a degree and many people don't stick with the people that they initially hung around with in their first term. This social mobility will become more evident to you as the year goes on and people no longer feel quite so desperate to stick with people they know and clingyness begins to slowly wear away. So basically don't fret too much about not having found your place yet as nothing is set in stone and many of the people that appear superficially to have setlled in seamlessly may in fact be experiencing the many of the same emotions as you.

Reply 11

There's some good advice already on this thread, and I just want to echo the fact that it's never too late to make friends. Social groups change a LOT after the first couple of weeks/months. In the initial mania, it is the loudest/most confident people who others gravitate towards; but you'll probably find that once reality sets in and novelty wears off, people will welcome the chance to get to know someone as genuine and nice as you sound.

I met one of my neighbours at uni about two months in. I'd barely exchanged a sentence with her before that, because she was quite introverted and hadn't come to any of the initial social events, but I'd had a bad night after being let down by my freshers' week 'friends', and she was incredibly kind to me. I never forgot that, and slowly we began spending a lot more time together. I graduated last year, and she's still my best friend. No idea what happened to most of the friends I made in freshers' week. It can be done!

Reply 12

Ok then, lets sort this out. Firstly, you've not blown your chances of being happy at uni, youve only just started theres years left yet. I have social anxiety, and have also jsut started uni, so i know what you're going through and it is beatable. Its hard at first, but you can get there. i dont think its any easier for girls, there will be lots of people hiding away in their rooms with anxiety, so you're making good steps. Its definatly not too late, are you never going to meet people after the first week of doing something? Are the other people going to not want to meet anyone new during their whole time at uni? Well done on getting some help with the anxiety, good move.

OK, heres a few pointers to get you started:

1. write down how you're feeling, your predictions for social dangers ahead, and then what actually happened. Also, keep a list of when you feel you did well, be it saying hi to someone you know, or speaking confidently to a member of staff, write it down.

2. Remember, everyone suffers a natural level of anxiety, its just a protection mechanism, and despite looking the coolest most confident people you see at clubs or around uni etc, they also have insecurities and worries, and they just want to have good honest fun. People are just people, theyre not special, and theyre not out to get you or make you the but of their jokes. They just want to go out with their friends, meet some new people and have a nice time.

3. People dont see you how you see yourself. If you feel you look an idiot standing there on your own, they wont look and think, hey look at him on his own, haha. They just see a person. They dont know you, they dont know what you're like, how you are feeling etc. An remember, dont try and guess wht they are thinking, dont be a mindreader.

4. If you dont know what to say, and maybe you come up with a couple of things, but arent sure, ask yourself this '' would i mind if someone came up to me and said that?''

5. Identify and write down your cycles. It will go something like this: In a social danger zone, feel everyones looking at me, go red and start shaking, feel everyones looking at me, how must i look, make up and excuse to leave, slip out, that was a close one. So here you need to break this by knowing when you start to feel anxioius, what your thoughts are, but staying on and not leaving. You must break the cycle, and knowing it is an important step to doing that. It wasnt actually a close one, they dont know what you're thinking, and they dont know you are feeling anxious.

6. When talking to people just be happy, friendly and concentrate on them, and what they are saying. It will keep them talking and you wont start to feel paranoid or get awkward silences. Maybe have a few things lined up to say, did you go to ..... what did you do this weekend, where are you staying, that sort of thing. You can then use the same things on all the new people you meet and build up a conversation.

7. Right, thats some theory, this is where it gets scary, but trust me, its worth it. Are you curious to what its like to be the confident one dancing and having a good time? You're now going to use that to undertake some experiments. This will be nerve racking, but do it anyway. Identify some thigns you'd like to do, you said go to the su bar, we'll take that as an example. This coming friday go to the su bar, on your own if thats how it is, thats fine. You'll walk in there with your head up high and shoulders back, and get yourself a drink, always useful for a little extra courage and as something to be doing. Ok, make small talk with people in the que, anything from its hot in here to this is a long que tonight. It will get you better at saying hi to random people. If the conversation continues, stick your hand out and introduce yourself. Say hi i'm..., they say i'm..., you say hi.... Saying hi then their name helps to remeber it.
Once you have your drink have a look round for fun looking people, they're the ones you need to be friends with, despite them being scariest to approach. if theres anyone on their own outside smoking or somehting, go and talk to them ' get some air' . Sometimes if the dance floor is busy its easy enough to slip in and dance on your own, say hi to anyone that takes your eye.
Now, you dont have to stay all night here, or get hammered. Stay for an hour or two, and say hi to at least 5 new people that night. Go home, write down what acctually happened and your successes.
Now youve done that, whats next. What do you want to do? Set yourself another little experiment. You have nothing to lose here, you are only at uni once, go all out to make this work. cant you go and sit with the people you are aquainted wsith at dinner? What you up to tongiht? Ah yeh, i was going to go, can i join you then?
Also, dont let things get you down if they dont go so well, keep trying. theres thousands of people out there, work your way through them.

Well ive written enough. Hope its some help to you, you dont have to follow it work for word, but the general ideas have really helped me. Before i wouldn't go shopping in a village, now i'm out clubbing and talking to anyone. The risk payed off.

lammy

Reply 13

Well I suppose you just have to do things you wouldnt usually do that are way out of your comfort zone. Also talk possitve thoughts to yourself and stop caring what people thing, it just takes a bit of practice. One thing I found helpful was changing my appearance so that I stood out more, that in itself gives people the feeling that you are a confident person and are then more likely to talk to you. Confidence is a thing which you develop over time, but to make these changes you have to do things outside your comfort zone. One example, make it your goal to talk to start a conversation with at least 5 different people each day even if its a simple "hello".

From my experience, I didn't really talk to people when I was at University, they all seemed so fake.

Reply 14

I realise this thread is old now but just in case you were still feeling unhappy I thought I'd reply anyway.

Please don't think you're the only one. I've got social anxiety too and it's too much for me to go out much. I went out most nights in freshers week but now it's the occasional trip to the cinema and that's it. (I don't drink either). I hear about everyone else having a great time at uni and feel unhappy, but it probably looks to most people that I've integrated fine. In lectures and in my department I have a group of friends I get on well with (although a lot of people seem fake). I don't see these people outside lectures though, and I know there's a few quiet kids who are on their own a lot, and they do look interesting people and there's nothing wrong with them except I do feel sorry for them and wish I could approach them, but everyone's scared of rejection and I don't have the confidence to. I've just fallen into this group of friends by chance - I met one person on TSR before I started here, actually, so I spent most time with that person and it lead to other friends.

Just wanted to say that even though some people might seem to be doing fine, they might go home and be all depressed like I am.

Reply 15

Just in case the OP is still watching it, or for anyone else in the same situation.

Have you considered looking for a job, either around campus, or in the surrounding area? It increases your social circle, and gives you a bit of spare cash to play around with. Many poeple say not to do it in your first year, but they tend to be working on the assumption that every fresher goes out as often as they can.

I, personally, am not tee total, but nor do I have any interested in getting drunk enough so I don't remember the night (my logic is, what's the point?), so most of the outings I tend to aviod. I am trying to get a lifeguarding job, but something like waiting/bartending is quite fun too.

Just my two pence.

Reply 17

BibbleJW
Just in case the OP is still watching it, or for anyone else in the same situation.

Have you considered looking for a job, either around campus, or in the surrounding area? It increases your social circle, and gives you a bit of spare cash to play around with. Many poeple say not to do it in your first year, but they tend to be working on the assumption that every fresher goes out as often as they can.

I, personally, am not tee total, but nor do I have any interested in getting drunk enough so I don't remember the night (my logic is, what's the point?), so most of the outings I tend to aviod. I am trying to get a lifeguarding job, but something like waiting/bartending is quite fun too.

Just my two pence.


my thoughts entiltly?! :frown: well in case anyone takes the slight buit of notice i chop oninto this TSAON uni=vcer- the teachers domain for learners to renightto?!! :p: :confused: