Ok then, lets sort this out. Firstly, you've not blown your chances of being happy at uni, youve only just started theres years left yet. I have social anxiety, and have also jsut started uni, so i know what you're going through and it is beatable. Its hard at first, but you can get there. i dont think its any easier for girls, there will be lots of people hiding away in their rooms with anxiety, so you're making good steps. Its definatly not too late, are you never going to meet people after the first week of doing something? Are the other people going to not want to meet anyone new during their whole time at uni? Well done on getting some help with the anxiety, good move.
OK, heres a few pointers to get you started:
1. write down how you're feeling, your predictions for social dangers ahead, and then what actually happened. Also, keep a list of when you feel you did well, be it saying hi to someone you know, or speaking confidently to a member of staff, write it down.
2. Remember, everyone suffers a natural level of anxiety, its just a protection mechanism, and despite looking the coolest most confident people you see at clubs or around uni etc, they also have insecurities and worries, and they just want to have good honest fun. People are just people, theyre not special, and theyre not out to get you or make you the but of their jokes. They just want to go out with their friends, meet some new people and have a nice time.
3. People dont see you how you see yourself. If you feel you look an idiot standing there on your own, they wont look and think, hey look at him on his own, haha. They just see a person. They dont know you, they dont know what you're like, how you are feeling etc. An remember, dont try and guess wht they are thinking, dont be a mindreader.
4. If you dont know what to say, and maybe you come up with a couple of things, but arent sure, ask yourself this '' would i mind if someone came up to me and said that?''
5. Identify and write down your cycles. It will go something like this: In a social danger zone, feel everyones looking at me, go red and start shaking, feel everyones looking at me, how must i look, make up and excuse to leave, slip out, that was a close one. So here you need to break this by knowing when you start to feel anxioius, what your thoughts are, but staying on and not leaving. You must break the cycle, and knowing it is an important step to doing that. It wasnt actually a close one, they dont know what you're thinking, and they dont know you are feeling anxious.
6. When talking to people just be happy, friendly and concentrate on them, and what they are saying. It will keep them talking and you wont start to feel paranoid or get awkward silences. Maybe have a few things lined up to say, did you go to ..... what did you do this weekend, where are you staying, that sort of thing. You can then use the same things on all the new people you meet and build up a conversation.
7. Right, thats some theory, this is where it gets scary, but trust me, its worth it. Are you curious to what its like to be the confident one dancing and having a good time? You're now going to use that to undertake some experiments. This will be nerve racking, but do it anyway. Identify some thigns you'd like to do, you said go to the su bar, we'll take that as an example. This coming friday go to the su bar, on your own if thats how it is, thats fine. You'll walk in there with your head up high and shoulders back, and get yourself a drink, always useful for a little extra courage and as something to be doing. Ok, make small talk with people in the que, anything from its hot in here to this is a long que tonight. It will get you better at saying hi to random people. If the conversation continues, stick your hand out and introduce yourself. Say hi i'm..., they say i'm..., you say hi.... Saying hi then their name helps to remeber it.
Once you have your drink have a look round for fun looking people, they're the ones you need to be friends with, despite them being scariest to approach. if theres anyone on their own outside smoking or somehting, go and talk to them ' get some air' . Sometimes if the dance floor is busy its easy enough to slip in and dance on your own, say hi to anyone that takes your eye.
Now, you dont have to stay all night here, or get hammered. Stay for an hour or two, and say hi to at least 5 new people that night. Go home, write down what acctually happened and your successes.
Now youve done that, whats next. What do you want to do? Set yourself another little experiment. You have nothing to lose here, you are only at uni once, go all out to make this work. cant you go and sit with the people you are aquainted wsith at dinner? What you up to tongiht? Ah yeh, i was going to go, can i join you then?
Also, dont let things get you down if they dont go so well, keep trying. theres thousands of people out there, work your way through them.
Well ive written enough. Hope its some help to you, you dont have to follow it work for word, but the general ideas have really helped me. Before i wouldn't go shopping in a village, now i'm out clubbing and talking to anyone. The risk payed off.
lammy