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upset my boyfriend, need help
This is going to be long but i really need help so if you have the time then please read. and please keep anon;
Where to start... Ive been in a relashionship with my boyfriend for 10 months and ive known him for a year, we've always said we are soulmates and rare as people. I hate myself, because i have hurt him and i never even realised it at the time which is the awful thing. He has deppression, and has been in a pit of saddness for the past 4 years; i did not know how serious it was at first and only came to know about it over time. I have done some awful things which i hate to talk about but i need to say it in order to understand myself better.
Firstly, i miss my dog who passed away 3 years ago and i was watching Miami Ink and had a strange idea of having a tatoo of him on my heart as a memory, obvioulsly this was never going to happen i just thought it was quite a funny method of tribite but sweet at the same time. I told my boyfriend this idea jokingly and he felt sick at the thought that my heart didnt belong to him but belonged instead to my dog (lol, he was a dog not another person) but anyway, this got him upset.
Then, when i was at secondary school (3 years ago, im gap yearing now) there was a guy i liked and had a stupid crush on but it didnt even mean anything, and he wrote something in my yearbook at the end of year 11 (it was good knowing ya, that sort of thing) anyhow i showed my boyfriend my yearbook because i wanted to show him pics of my old school friends and he saw this thing the guy wrote and a photo of him that had a heart dotting the i in his name, and he asked me who this is and i told him just someone i liked at school and that was that. But my boyfriend thought i showed him the book delibratly because this guy was in it ( i forgot he was even in the damn book) and he started speaking to my friend on msn who was close to me at the time (this was about 5 months ago) and she started telling him about who this guy at school was and stuff about him how i liked him, and generally stirring up stuff. I also had this guy on my msn, myspace and bebo eventhough ive not spoken to him since the end of school, he was just in my contacts because i had forgotton about him and forgot he was still on there, but of course my boyfriend saw this and thought i still had feelings for him which really upset me because i now hate this guys guts. I deleted him and got rid of myspace.
Another thing is i have lots of old txt messages saved on my phone and ive had this phone since 2004 and one really old txt dated 05 from a good friend at the time said joking 'you seeing .... yet? hehe' and my boyfriend was looking through my txts and saw this and thought i kept the message for a reason, when actually i had no idea whatsoever that it mentioned this guy because ive not looked through my old txts for years.
Then i lied to my boyfriend in april for a pathetic reason, i was in one of those moods where i didnt feel like doing anything so i just said 'im meeting *claire today, soz' and he worked out that actually i wasnt meeting claire, and was angry that i didnt tel him the truth, but i did it because i didnt want to upset him.
I then wrote 'orlando bloom is gorgeous onto my friends bebo as a jokey thing, because we were talking about pirates of the carribean, and i just didnt think at the time! but my boyfriend saw this and was understandably upset ( i know id be if he said another girl is gorgeous) but the thing thats sucks is that i just didnt think at the time. He is already extreamly concious (sp?) about the way he looks (hes really good looking but cant see it) so me saying this was harsh for him, and im still struggling to understand why i said it in the first place.
Another thing that happened was.. remember my friend who he was speaking to on msn about the guy at school? lets call her nicky: she wanted to meet up with me and my boyfriend wanted to meet up with me also on the same day, so i didnt know what to do: so i said to nicky 'id rather do something with you' and i said to my bf 'id rather do something with you' .. because i didnt want them to feel like i preferred spending time with the other person. what i didnt know is that behind my back on msn they were 'exchanging notes' and she told him that i said id rather meet her than him etc which upset him.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart and love him more than anyone else in the whole world and consider him a wonderful, special person, we were so attached and are so in love and thats why this is killing us both so much. He says ive broken his heart, but we are still together and i desperatly want to mend his broken heart because i want this to work more than anything.
the reason its effected him so much is because of his deppression and tough life and he finds it hard to trust me anymore. He thinks im not the person he knew when we first met, but the fact is that im still her and ive never gone away; i just made some awful mistakes which was all down to me not thinking straightly or not thinking at all. I just dont know what to do. im so scared of loosing the love of my life. I hate myself so much that i see no point in living if it doesnt work with him. HELP ME !!!
Where to start... Ive been in a relashionship with my boyfriend for 10 months and ive known him for a year, we've always said we are soulmates and rare as people. I hate myself, because i have hurt him and i never even realised it at the time which is the awful thing. He has deppression, and has been in a pit of saddness for the past 4 years; i did not know how serious it was at first and only came to know about it over time. I have done some awful things which i hate to talk about but i need to say it in order to understand myself better.
Firstly, i miss my dog who passed away 3 years ago and i was watching Miami Ink and had a strange idea of having a tatoo of him on my heart as a memory, obvioulsly this was never going to happen i just thought it was quite a funny method of tribite but sweet at the same time. I told my boyfriend this idea jokingly and he felt sick at the thought that my heart didnt belong to him but belonged instead to my dog (lol, he was a dog not another person) but anyway, this got him upset.
Then, when i was at secondary school (3 years ago, im gap yearing now) there was a guy i liked and had a stupid crush on but it didnt even mean anything, and he wrote something in my yearbook at the end of year 11 (it was good knowing ya, that sort of thing) anyhow i showed my boyfriend my yearbook because i wanted to show him pics of my old school friends and he saw this thing the guy wrote and a photo of him that had a heart dotting the i in his name, and he asked me who this is and i told him just someone i liked at school and that was that. But my boyfriend thought i showed him the book delibratly because this guy was in it ( i forgot he was even in the damn book) and he started speaking to my friend on msn who was close to me at the time (this was about 5 months ago) and she started telling him about who this guy at school was and stuff about him how i liked him, and generally stirring up stuff. I also had this guy on my msn, myspace and bebo eventhough ive not spoken to him since the end of school, he was just in my contacts because i had forgotton about him and forgot he was still on there, but of course my boyfriend saw this and thought i still had feelings for him which really upset me because i now hate this guys guts. I deleted him and got rid of myspace.
Another thing is i have lots of old txt messages saved on my phone and ive had this phone since 2004 and one really old txt dated 05 from a good friend at the time said joking 'you seeing .... yet? hehe' and my boyfriend was looking through my txts and saw this and thought i kept the message for a reason, when actually i had no idea whatsoever that it mentioned this guy because ive not looked through my old txts for years.
Then i lied to my boyfriend in april for a pathetic reason, i was in one of those moods where i didnt feel like doing anything so i just said 'im meeting *claire today, soz' and he worked out that actually i wasnt meeting claire, and was angry that i didnt tel him the truth, but i did it because i didnt want to upset him.
I then wrote 'orlando bloom is gorgeous onto my friends bebo as a jokey thing, because we were talking about pirates of the carribean, and i just didnt think at the time! but my boyfriend saw this and was understandably upset ( i know id be if he said another girl is gorgeous) but the thing thats sucks is that i just didnt think at the time. He is already extreamly concious (sp?) about the way he looks (hes really good looking but cant see it) so me saying this was harsh for him, and im still struggling to understand why i said it in the first place.
Another thing that happened was.. remember my friend who he was speaking to on msn about the guy at school? lets call her nicky: she wanted to meet up with me and my boyfriend wanted to meet up with me also on the same day, so i didnt know what to do: so i said to nicky 'id rather do something with you' and i said to my bf 'id rather do something with you' .. because i didnt want them to feel like i preferred spending time with the other person. what i didnt know is that behind my back on msn they were 'exchanging notes' and she told him that i said id rather meet her than him etc which upset him.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart and love him more than anyone else in the whole world and consider him a wonderful, special person, we were so attached and are so in love and thats why this is killing us both so much. He says ive broken his heart, but we are still together and i desperatly want to mend his broken heart because i want this to work more than anything.
the reason its effected him so much is because of his deppression and tough life and he finds it hard to trust me anymore. He thinks im not the person he knew when we first met, but the fact is that im still her and ive never gone away; i just made some awful mistakes which was all down to me not thinking straightly or not thinking at all. I just dont know what to do. im so scared of loosing the love of my life. I hate myself so much that i see no point in living if it doesnt work with him. HELP ME !!!
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Uhm, he needs to get a grip FFS.
Poor you 
First of all, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, you've just been a normal teenage girl. I personally don't think that anyone in a 'normal' emotional state would be upset by the things that you describe, and that as you've pointed out, he's reacting this way because of his depression. I can understand that this is hard to cope with, but you shouldn't feel bad about your actions because of it, particularly when there's nothing really to feel bad about.
It may well be that he just needs reassurance - in which case, sit down, go through the incidents one by one and apologise for them. It may well be that that's all he needs in order for you both to chill out and wipe the slate clean.
If, however, you've done that and he still can't settle down...well, I don't really know what to suggest because by then you'll have done all you can.
As it is, the current situation is making you both unhappy. He sounds extremely paranoid and slightly controlling, whether this is his fault or not, and that's bound to put pressure on you. Only you can decide if you want to carry on in a relationship like that. You may well love him, but are you HAPPY in the relationship?
I hope this helps a bit.
First of all, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, you've just been a normal teenage girl. I personally don't think that anyone in a 'normal' emotional state would be upset by the things that you describe, and that as you've pointed out, he's reacting this way because of his depression. I can understand that this is hard to cope with, but you shouldn't feel bad about your actions because of it, particularly when there's nothing really to feel bad about.
It may well be that he just needs reassurance - in which case, sit down, go through the incidents one by one and apologise for them. It may well be that that's all he needs in order for you both to chill out and wipe the slate clean.
If, however, you've done that and he still can't settle down...well, I don't really know what to suggest because by then you'll have done all you can.
As it is, the current situation is making you both unhappy. He sounds extremely paranoid and slightly controlling, whether this is his fault or not, and that's bound to put pressure on you. Only you can decide if you want to carry on in a relationship like that. You may well love him, but are you HAPPY in the relationship?
I hope this helps a bit.
con'd ... I basically need to find a way of making this up to him and showing him how much i love and care for him, he says he doesnt feel special to me amymore! which is really hurtful because he is the most special person in my life. I need to show him my love, my commitment, i need to mend his broken heart, hes trying to recover from his deppression as we speak but im scared that this situation is setting him backwards.
Tbh, I personally think he's over-reacting a little. Obviously to him he isn't because if he's depressed he doesn't process his thoughts as rational as a person not suffering from depression. He'll incorporate events negatively whereas I was reading them thinking "ok that would make me feel the same" "but that wouldn't and that wouldn't etc" And saying you've broken his heart seems a bit strong. To me.
You do sound like a nice person and quite similar to me. I'd rather say yes than no to people in case I hurt their feelings and I've been in quite a few sticky situations because of it. I can tell you're just trying to do what's best though. Although I would be peeved that my boyfriend and friend were exchanging notes about me, but things like that are quite a sore subject with me. And again, shows he clearly has trust issues.
I think the only advice I can give you is to talk to him, especially if you still want to be in the relationship. He's going to have to try and open upto you more than he has and not fly off the handle and jump to conclusions so easily which will be hard for him, I'm guessing from what you've written about him.
I think you just need to speak to him.
Good Luck!
You do sound like a nice person and quite similar to me. I'd rather say yes than no to people in case I hurt their feelings and I've been in quite a few sticky situations because of it. I can tell you're just trying to do what's best though. Although I would be peeved that my boyfriend and friend were exchanging notes about me, but things like that are quite a sore subject with me. And again, shows he clearly has trust issues.
I think the only advice I can give you is to talk to him, especially if you still want to be in the relationship. He's going to have to try and open upto you more than he has and not fly off the handle and jump to conclusions so easily which will be hard for him, I'm guessing from what you've written about him.
I think you just need to speak to him.
Good Luck!
Your boyfriend is being an idiot. You can't go around guilt tripping a person over every little thing, including things that happened years ago, including saying Orlando Bloom is gorgeous - DUH. You haven't done anything wrong - your boyfriend should be apologising for being so whiny and controlling; he is a sneaky menace, he shouldn't be talking to your friends about you behind your back. Don't be tramped on! And don't feel bad, you're a good girlfriend.
the funny thing is that all this happend around 4/5 months ago, and since then we have made up and broken up too many times to even count. One day we can talk through it and he can promise me that he understands everything and is able to put it behind him, and everything is happy and great. and then the next day he can give me the cold shoulder and then bring everything up again and get worked up into a state. It just cant be settled
Oh gosh, your boyfriend is completely overreacting, and whether he realises it or not, he's the one who's seriously hurting you. He has no right to make you feel like **** over things that happened a long time ago, or liking Orlando Bloom, ffs.
I understand it is probably difficult, but you need to realise that you're not in the wrong at all, and it is him, depression or not. Relationships are built on trust after all, and all those old cliches. You need to have a serious talk with him, you can't keep up a relationship where the smallest things you do are 'wrong' in his eyes.
I understand it is probably difficult, but you need to realise that you're not in the wrong at all, and it is him, depression or not. Relationships are built on trust after all, and all those old cliches. You need to have a serious talk with him, you can't keep up a relationship where the smallest things you do are 'wrong' in his eyes.
Sorry but your boyfriend needs to pull his **** together and stop whining. You haven't done anything wrong, asside from maybe lieing when its unneccesary.
I don't really have much sympathy for depression though so i'm biased, i just think they need to pull themself out of the hole they're in. Pills aren't the answer. People are never thankful enough that they were even born.
Sorry got side tracked.
I realise it must be hard for you as if you tried to talk to him about it he'd probably get even more depressed
I would be harsh and say that he's dragging you down with him, but i won't...
I don't really have much sympathy for depression though so i'm biased, i just think they need to pull themself out of the hole they're in. Pills aren't the answer. People are never thankful enough that they were even born.
Sorry got side tracked.
I realise it must be hard for you as if you tried to talk to him about it he'd probably get even more depressed
I would be harsh and say that he's dragging you down with him, but i won't...
Like the others said, he's over-reacting. It sounds like he's trying to use you as excuse for his depression, by saying you and your comments and actions are making him miserable. It's common enough when people struggle to face up to their problems, but it's not fair on you that he keeps doing this.
My boyfriend knwos I think Orlando Bloom is quite good looking. He also knows about my previous crushes and my previous boyfriends. He also knows that here and now I love him, no one else. But this something your boyfriend cannot accept.
I think you need to sit down and tell him that you don't mean to hurt him, but him constantly blaming his emotions on you is hurtful and it's making you upset. He should also go and see his GP, he might find that medication helps.
If he refuses to talk about it, refuses to accept that he is hurting you, and refuses to see a GP, then frankly I think you should end the relationship. Currently you're taking the blame for everything that goes wrong and you're going to end feeling immensely unhappy.
My boyfriend knwos I think Orlando Bloom is quite good looking. He also knows about my previous crushes and my previous boyfriends. He also knows that here and now I love him, no one else. But this something your boyfriend cannot accept.
I think you need to sit down and tell him that you don't mean to hurt him, but him constantly blaming his emotions on you is hurtful and it's making you upset. He should also go and see his GP, he might find that medication helps.
If he refuses to talk about it, refuses to accept that he is hurting you, and refuses to see a GP, then frankly I think you should end the relationship. Currently you're taking the blame for everything that goes wrong and you're going to end feeling immensely unhappy.
Anonymous
the funny thing is that all this happend around 4/5 months ago, and since then we have made up and broken up too many times to even count. One day we can talk through it and he can promise me that he understands everything and is able to put it behind him, and everything is happy and great. and then the next day he can give me the cold shoulder and then bring everything up again and get worked up into a state. It just cant be settled
You REALLY need to have a serious talk with him in that case, as if he carries on the way he is, he may lose you. If he doesn't want that to happen then he needs to prove it.
Angelil
You REALLY need to have a serious talk with him in that case, as if he carries on the way he is, he may lose you. If he doesn't want that to happen then he needs to prove it.
How can he claim to believe that you are both soul mates if he can't see over petty little things like the things you have described? When people say "We are soul mates" then practically nothing can shift your view of them so I think you need to have a serious talk with him (as Angelil says) - and don't be so apologetic - being in depression doesn't give you the right to dictate what others should be. I would take a firm (but gentle at the same time! 
) stance - if you just apologise he may just keep going "Well you did this, and you did that" whereas if you just stand up to him and go "Listen! I love you to pieces you need to understand that, if these things bother you you're going to have to deal with them, I can change some things but stop getting upset about tiny little things which happened 3 years ago!!" Your boyfriend really needs to get a grip of himself, his behaviour is pathetic.
I will have another talk with him. He just needs to be able to put it behind him and realise that i havnt put a foot wrong since all this happend, im the one making the effort to see him and phone him up every night, i cant even remember the last time he called me. the crazy thing is that despite everything thats happend im not willing to loose him and il fight for him whatever it takes. but he needs to fight for me at the same time and hes not..
Hes now questioning the relashionship when in the past hes said how he wants to spend his life with me and cant imagine life any other way. what was once so strong is now so wea
Hes now questioning the relashionship when in the past hes said how he wants to spend his life with me and cant imagine life any other way. what was once so strong is now so wea
So he is questioning the relationship over the fact you simply said Orlando Bloom is good looking, come on, thousands of women think he's good looking but have any of their boyfriends minded, I think not.
He is being a bloody spoilt child, if he ditches you over this then it will be his own loss. You are worth so much better than that.
He is being a bloody spoilt child, if he ditches you over this then it will be his own loss. You are worth so much better than that.
Tbh, I think its really nice for you dating this guy. He has some serious issues and I'd try and get him over it, he is mentally ill. Tbh, I'd never appologize if I said to someone that Jessica Alba for example is hot, cause its the plain truth. I think he is extremely insecure and takes everything badly. He has to realize that that is not how life works. Only the dog part I agree with him :P:
Anyways, good luck, hope you can work it out
Anyways, good luck, hope you can work it out
i'm quite annoyed at your bf 4 making you feel this way tbh.its not fair he's said these things and made you feel this way. you have done absolutely nothing wrong, most of what you said happened years ago anyway.also i think you should be the one who should be angry at him 4 exchanging notes with this girl behind your back, its like he's out 2 get you doing something he doesn't like. in my opinion hes just making a huge deal over everything you ever do and have done. i would be really angry if it was me, not blaming myself. yeah maybe he has depression but that is absolutely no reason whatsoever 2 make you feel like its your fault, the only way hes gonna snap outta his depression is for someone 2 get tough with him, not pitying him.
i don't agree with anything he has said 2 you, and i don't agree with you blaming it on yourself. you have done nothing awful at all. awful is putting in your msn name "i love (enter someone elses name here that he knows)" awful is seeing groups of boys or individual boys behind his back constantly and awful is heavily flirting and friendly kissing all his mates infront of him. not liking someone 3 years ago and putting a damn heart on an i.
sorry this has made me kinda mad lolz as he really needs 2 snap outta it before its too late and he drags you into depression with him.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT IN THE SLIGHTEST, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. i think you need to get tough with him, i know it will feel awful for you as i can imagine being harsh with my bf wouldn't be nice. but it needs to be done or he will take over your life. get him 2 snap outta this stupidness!lolz sorry they are harsh words but they really needed to be said. good luck, i hope he relaxes soon for you, cause when someone you love is causing trouble like this, it breaks YOUR heart, let alone his.good luck xxx
i don't agree with anything he has said 2 you, and i don't agree with you blaming it on yourself. you have done nothing awful at all. awful is putting in your msn name "i love (enter someone elses name here that he knows)" awful is seeing groups of boys or individual boys behind his back constantly and awful is heavily flirting and friendly kissing all his mates infront of him. not liking someone 3 years ago and putting a damn heart on an i.
sorry this has made me kinda mad lolz as he really needs 2 snap outta it before its too late and he drags you into depression with him.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT IN THE SLIGHTEST, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. i think you need to get tough with him, i know it will feel awful for you as i can imagine being harsh with my bf wouldn't be nice. but it needs to be done or he will take over your life. get him 2 snap outta this stupidness!lolz sorry they are harsh words but they really needed to be said. good luck, i hope he relaxes soon for you, cause when someone you love is causing trouble like this, it breaks YOUR heart, let alone his.good luck xxx
You've done nothing wrong. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't in a good mental place right now and perhaps shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Speak to him.
Both of you seem to have made a mountain range out of some molehills here.
Your boyfriend may be ill, but he's taking major offence at some ridiculous things.
Come on, does he seriously think your dog has replaced him as the love of your life? And is he really convinced that you're going to run off with Orlando Bloom?
Deal with him sensitively by all means but by wailing about how sorry you are for 'breaking his heart' you're pandering to his paranoia and admitting that you're in the wrong.
Your boyfriend may be ill, but he's taking major offence at some ridiculous things.
Come on, does he seriously think your dog has replaced him as the love of your life? And is he really convinced that you're going to run off with Orlando Bloom?
Deal with him sensitively by all means but by wailing about how sorry you are for 'breaking his heart' you're pandering to his paranoia and admitting that you're in the wrong.
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