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One or several circles of friends?
Back in highschool, I used to have a big circle of friends. It wasn't so much that I got along with all of them but if there was something going on, I'd know I'd be invited and if I planned something, I know exactly who to invite. Although I knew other people through sports clubs and other activities, I stuck mostly to this circle.
I've just finished uni now and I can't say that I have no friends but I don't feel part of any particular group of friends any longer. I have friends living in different countries, friends from different places I worked, friends from high school (probably my best friends still), friends from uni.
I'll get invited to a party or a drink or a night out but I'll come alone and everyone there either comes with a boyfriend/girlfriend or some other good friends from outside the "circle".
I sometimes suggest to friends from work for example to come along meet some other friends but either they choose not to come or they just don't really get along with my other friends.
My friends seem to be so diverse and different that I often just assume they won't get along and I think I'm probably right.
Does this sound like a problem I only have and other people's friends are just "a certain type" so they know they'll get along or do you experience it a lot too?
I've just finished uni now and I can't say that I have no friends but I don't feel part of any particular group of friends any longer. I have friends living in different countries, friends from different places I worked, friends from high school (probably my best friends still), friends from uni.
I'll get invited to a party or a drink or a night out but I'll come alone and everyone there either comes with a boyfriend/girlfriend or some other good friends from outside the "circle".
I sometimes suggest to friends from work for example to come along meet some other friends but either they choose not to come or they just don't really get along with my other friends.
My friends seem to be so diverse and different that I often just assume they won't get along and I think I'm probably right.
Does this sound like a problem I only have and other people's friends are just "a certain type" so they know they'll get along or do you experience it a lot too?
i don't really think it's a problem.
One of my friends was saying she was worried about what to do for her birthday because she's friends with so many different people. & I told her to invite all of them and that we might actually know each other already and I'm sure we'll get along anyway.
Is it really important that all your friends know each other? I would've thought it almost better that they don't, it adds a bit more dimension to your life. In terms of arriving alone and leaving alone, that can be rectified with a simple phone call before each event, surely. I'm sure your different groups of friends would interact if they had to, they just don't really have the need to.
One of my friends was saying she was worried about what to do for her birthday because she's friends with so many different people. & I told her to invite all of them and that we might actually know each other already and I'm sure we'll get along anyway.
Is it really important that all your friends know each other? I would've thought it almost better that they don't, it adds a bit more dimension to your life. In terms of arriving alone and leaving alone, that can be rectified with a simple phone call before each event, surely. I'm sure your different groups of friends would interact if they had to, they just don't really have the need to.
Reply 2
Well when I say different, I really mean different. I know friends who litterally only hang out with people of a certain type: for example some of my asian friends, apart from me, only hang out with other people of asian descent.
Because I speak several languages, there are friends with whom I speak another language with. Of course, they could all speak English if they had to, but culturally they're totally different.
Some of my friends are gay/camp, whereas others are totally homophobic so clearly they wouldn't mix. Some are of the intellectual, a bit culturally snobbish, whereas some enjoy being more laddish.
Sure there are compatibilities among some of these friends but a lot of these friends seem happy to hang with people with the same mindset than them and don't really want to be with people with whom it's only going to be awkward.
For example, would most people invite their straight-edge mormon friend to a night clubbing in London? Or take their intellectual friend who goes to museums often for a piss up with the lads? Most people I know often say "No, I won't invite him/her because it's not their thing". The trouble is, I find myself saying that all the time.
Mainly because I never really feel like I fit in perfectly, it's emphasised even more in my circle of friends.
Because I speak several languages, there are friends with whom I speak another language with. Of course, they could all speak English if they had to, but culturally they're totally different.
Some of my friends are gay/camp, whereas others are totally homophobic so clearly they wouldn't mix. Some are of the intellectual, a bit culturally snobbish, whereas some enjoy being more laddish.
Sure there are compatibilities among some of these friends but a lot of these friends seem happy to hang with people with the same mindset than them and don't really want to be with people with whom it's only going to be awkward.
For example, would most people invite their straight-edge mormon friend to a night clubbing in London? Or take their intellectual friend who goes to museums often for a piss up with the lads? Most people I know often say "No, I won't invite him/her because it's not their thing". The trouble is, I find myself saying that all the time.
Mainly because I never really feel like I fit in perfectly, it's emphasised even more in my circle of friends.
Reply 3
Maybe you should tell your friends to stop being so closed minded and to embrace people from other social groups. What you can often find is that 2 people who appear to be polar opposites can become best friends. Having different viewpoints on life is a good thing and it can only serve to enhance yours by looking at other peoples which are radically different from it.
Get your friends to try mixing a few times (social chemistry may not be evident after one go) and get them to make an effort. If they genuinely can't get along then there's no problem with that but it can't hurt to try.
Get your friends to try mixing a few times (social chemistry may not be evident after one go) and get them to make an effort. If they genuinely can't get along then there's no problem with that but it can't hurt to try.
Reply 4
SmilerNuts
Maybe you should tell your friends to stop being so closed minded and to embrace people from other social groups. What you can often find is that 2 people who appear to be polar opposites can become best friends. Having different viewpoints on life is a good thing and it can only serve to enhance yours by looking at other peoples which are radically different from it.
Get your friends to try mixing a few times (social chemistry may not be evident after one go) and get them to make an effort. If they genuinely can't get along then there's no problem with that but it can't hurt to try.
Get your friends to try mixing a few times (social chemistry may not be evident after one go) and get them to make an effort. If they genuinely can't get along then there's no problem with that but it can't hurt to try.
It's not so much about opinions, it's litterally massive cultural differences.
You must notice that a group of goths or indie kids will have a similar mindset and won't really want to accept someone in their group if they're not sharing the same values, even more so if they're opposing values. There are so many examples like that... The trouble is, I don't view myself as fitting in any group (probably the root of my problem) and find myself adapting my personality/behaviour depending on the crowd I'm with.
Reply 5
Yes but that group of kids will only have such a closed mindset if they have others with then who they can stick with and talk to, whilest ignoring everyone else. If you took 1 goth kid, 1 indie kid and 1 chav and they had no one else to chat to I'm sure they'd try and interact and make more of an effort than they would if they were in a large group of like minded individuals.
Why do you feel the need to fit in somewhere? Can't you be happy with who you are and let your own values and opinions shine through no matter who you're with?
Why do you feel the need to fit in somewhere? Can't you be happy with who you are and let your own values and opinions shine through no matter who you're with?
I think it's lovely to have friends from a huge variety of different backgrounds. It means that you always have someone to talk to whatever mood you're in!
It also sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit. I know what you mean about feeling like you never completely fit in anywhere because I am the same but then I remind mysef that i'd rather have all these friends from different parts of my life than one group of friends who only fall out with each other and become incestuous anyway :P
I'd suggest either keeping one group of friends at a time (if it really is that big an issue for them to mix) or perhaps introducing people to each other on a more one to one basis. I can judge which of my friends will get on and which won't and i enjoy "match making" my friends so that they make friends with each other too. Also, it sounds like some of your friends needs their minds opening a bit if they are that homophobic! But i understand cultural and language differences can be barriers.
But basically, embrace it and enjoy it, and stop worrying so much about it!
It also sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit. I know what you mean about feeling like you never completely fit in anywhere because I am the same but then I remind mysef that i'd rather have all these friends from different parts of my life than one group of friends who only fall out with each other and become incestuous anyway :P
I'd suggest either keeping one group of friends at a time (if it really is that big an issue for them to mix) or perhaps introducing people to each other on a more one to one basis. I can judge which of my friends will get on and which won't and i enjoy "match making" my friends so that they make friends with each other too. Also, it sounds like some of your friends needs their minds opening a bit if they are that homophobic! But i understand cultural and language differences can be barriers.
But basically, embrace it and enjoy it, and stop worrying so much about it!
Reply 7
I empathise with what you're saying, I've often been in the same position. When I was at school I was friends with people in groups who essentially didn't like each other, and at my bday I wasn't sure what to do. I ended up just inviting everyone I knew and let things sort themselves out. In the end the groups just kept to themselves and I went from one group to the other.
People are saying things like "Maybe you should tell your friends to stop being so closed minded" and "It also sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit". I disagree with both of these statements. You can't just tell a whole load of people to mix and expect them to do so because you say so. And this kind of thing is quite important.
My advice to you is to try and integrate yourself into the group that you feel you have most in common with and will get along with best.
People are saying things like "Maybe you should tell your friends to stop being so closed minded" and "It also sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit". I disagree with both of these statements. You can't just tell a whole load of people to mix and expect them to do so because you say so. And this kind of thing is quite important.
My advice to you is to try and integrate yourself into the group that you feel you have most in common with and will get along with best.
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