This frustrates me somewhat. However, I'm not going to whine about how it seems like "fate" (a concept I refuse to believe in), or blame anyone else for "lying to me at XXX age". I'm very much of the philosophy that people can define and influence their own life 100%, so it's something I'd like to try and use this first year at uni to get over.
I realised a few weeks back what it is that has got in the way of me developing any proper relationship - my fear of letting anyone too close. Whilst my peers seemingly had year/two year long relationships, mine crumbled to dust after 2/3 months - and I always ended them pointlessly. Over the time spanning Year 11-last year (my post A2 gap year) I was close to 7 different girls. 2 of these I started a relationship with, but on both occasions, with nothing going wrong, I seemingly pressed the self destruct button a few months in, ending them for no reason. I don't know why I did, I just did. I did so by subconsciously wrecking what I had (not replying to texts, lying about being busy to avoid going out, making quite mean remarks) before I ended them outright with little reason given. I mean !!?. The horrible thing was I still liked them in every way, but I felt if they got that close...it end soon anyway, so it was pointless carrying on?
The situation with the other 5 girls never got anywhere either because of me for various reasons. I'd make up rubbish to avoid taking them out, even when I had pretty concrete evidence they liked me. If we did "hang out", I'd turn int o a completely different unlikeable person. Or, I'd just refuse to ever ask them out.
It's now been a year since I've had any prospect with anyone, and a year and a half since my last GF. The thing is, I could chalk up most of the above to teenage insecurity (I grew up a lot over my gap year imo). However in the third week of uni, a very interesting girl I got talking to asked me if I wanted to go to town with her that weekend and hang out "all day", and (she may of just been being friendly, although was definitely flirty) I found myself repeating the same pattern. I made up some rubbish. Now we've pretty much fell out of contact over the last two weeks. However, I really liked her!
I refuse to hinge my wellbeing on being with someone, I find that personally weak. However, although I'm not overtly social, I would like someone special in my life, but I freeze and back away whenever I find a possibility! I've now realised I'm unconsciously putting the issue on the shelf till "next year" and "focusing the first year on settling and focusing on work" - more fearful procrastination probably.

Anyone relate? Any ideas? I want to smash this irritating insecurity to little pieces.
