The Student Room Group

Refusing to let anyone near?

This frustrates me somewhat. However, I'm not going to whine about how it seems like "fate" (a concept I refuse to believe in), or blame anyone else for "lying to me at XXX age". I'm very much of the philosophy that people can define and influence their own life 100%, so it's something I'd like to try and use this first year at uni to get over.

I realised a few weeks back what it is that has got in the way of me developing any proper relationship - my fear of letting anyone too close. Whilst my peers seemingly had year/two year long relationships, mine crumbled to dust after 2/3 months - and I always ended them pointlessly. Over the time spanning Year 11-last year (my post A2 gap year) I was close to 7 different girls. 2 of these I started a relationship with, but on both occasions, with nothing going wrong, I seemingly pressed the self destruct button a few months in, ending them for no reason. I don't know why I did, I just did. I did so by subconsciously wrecking what I had (not replying to texts, lying about being busy to avoid going out, making quite mean remarks) before I ended them outright with little reason given. I mean !!?. The horrible thing was I still liked them in every way, but I felt if they got that close...it end soon anyway, so it was pointless carrying on? :confused:

The situation with the other 5 girls never got anywhere either because of me for various reasons. I'd make up rubbish to avoid taking them out, even when I had pretty concrete evidence they liked me. If we did "hang out", I'd turn int o a completely different unlikeable person. Or, I'd just refuse to ever ask them out.

It's now been a year since I've had any prospect with anyone, and a year and a half since my last GF. The thing is, I could chalk up most of the above to teenage insecurity (I grew up a lot over my gap year imo). However in the third week of uni, a very interesting girl I got talking to asked me if I wanted to go to town with her that weekend and hang out "all day", and (she may of just been being friendly, although was definitely flirty) I found myself repeating the same pattern. I made up some rubbish. Now we've pretty much fell out of contact over the last two weeks. However, I really liked her!

I refuse to hinge my wellbeing on being with someone, I find that personally weak. However, although I'm not overtly social, I would like someone special in my life, but I freeze and back away whenever I find a possibility! I've now realised I'm unconsciously putting the issue on the shelf till "next year" and "focusing the first year on settling and focusing on work" - more fearful procrastination probably. :mad:

Anyone relate? Any ideas? I want to smash this irritating insecurity to little pieces.

:frown:

Reply 1

Yes I relate. I don't understand why you dont just ask her out though, or why you never did. You're not even giving yourself a chance.

Reply 2

jrt87
This frustrates me somewhat. However, I'm not going to whine about how it seems like "fate" (a concept I refuse to believe in), or blame anyone else for "lying to me at XXX age". I'm very much of the philosophy that people can define and influence their own life 100%, so it's something I'd like to try and use this first year at uni to get over.

I realised a few weeks back what it is that has got in the way of me developing any proper relationship - my fear of letting anyone too close. Whilst my peers seemingly had year/two year long relationships, mine crumbled to dust after 2/3 months - and I always ended them pointlessly. Over the time spanning Year 11-last year (my post A2 gap year) I was close to 7 different girls. 2 of these I started a relationship with, but on both occasions, with nothing going wrong, I seemingly pressed the self destruct button a few months in, ending them for no reason. I don't know why I did, I just did. I did so by subconsciously wrecking what I had (not replying to texts, lying about being busy to avoid going out, making quite mean remarks) before I ended them outright with little reason given. I mean !!?. The horrible thing was I still liked them in every way, but I felt if they got that close...it end soon anyway, so it was pointless carrying on? :confused:

The situation with the other 5 girls never got anywhere either because of me for various reasons. I'd make up rubbish to avoid taking them out, even when I had pretty concrete evidence they liked me. If we did "hang out", I'd turn int o a completely different unlikeable person. Or, I'd just refuse to ever ask them out.

It's now been a year since I've had any prospect with anyone, and a year and a half since my last GF. The thing is, I could chalk up most of the above to teenage insecurity (I grew up a lot over my gap year imo). However in the third week of uni, a very interesting girl I got talking to asked me if I wanted to go to town with her that weekend and hang out "all day", and (she may of just been being friendly, although was definitely flirty) I found myself repeating the same pattern. I made up some rubbish. Now we've pretty much fell out of contact over the last two weeks. However, I really liked her!

I refuse to hinge my wellbeing on being with someone, I find that personally weak. However, although I'm not overtly social, I would like someone special in my life, but I freeze and back away whenever I find a possibility! I've now realised I'm unconsciously putting the issue on the shelf till "next year" and "focusing the first year on settling and focusing on work" - more fearful procrastination probably. :mad:

Anyone relate? Any ideas? I want to smash this irritating insecurity to little pieces.

:frown:



i might be wrong...it seems like you are too scared to face any breakage in a relationship instaed you put an end to them before it takes over itself.

GOOD thing is that, atleast you are aware of your problem. I think, you should tell the new girl about this problem. I think its better to let her know rather then ending up hurting her feelings. If she really cares about you, then im sure she will understand. Its not ur fault that you are like that. we all are different and thats what makes us special but excess of anything is bad. i guess, you are just over reacting a little bit about this whole 'coming closer' aspect. Give it some time & think coolly. you cant change overnight and you are gona need some help and support frm ur 'special' person to succeed. hope this helps. Im not that good at advising. :smile:

Reply 3

SilentGirl
i might be wrong...it seems like you are too scared to face any breakage in a relationship instaed you put an end to them before it takes over itself.

GOOD thing is that, atleast you are aware of your problem. I think, you should tell the new girl about this problem. I think its better to let her know rather then ending up hurting her feelings. If she really cares about you, then im sure she will understand. Its not ur fault that you are like that. we all are different and thats what makes us special but excess of anything is bad. i guess, you are just over reacting a little bit about this whole 'coming closer' aspect. Give it some time & think coolly. you cant change overnight and you are gona need some help and support frm ur 'special' person to succeed. hope this helps. Im not that good at advising. :smile:


Yeah, it's definitely the fear of the breaking up. I got scared of how I would deal with it, so jumped in quick so I would deal with the ending better. I seem to have somehow developed this rather bleak and not entirely accurate view that all relationships end horribly at some point - so there rather meaningless. What I am starting to realise though is that every relationship, despite it's perhaps inevitable failure will yield lessons that will build up, and perhaps one day lead to one that won't.

Thanks, that's useful - something to think about.

Reply 4

jrt87
Yeah, it's definitely the fear of the breaking up. I got scared of how I would deal with it, so jumped in quick so I would deal with the ending better. I seem to have somehow developed this rather bleak and not entirely accurate view that all relationships end horribly at some point - so there rather meaningless. What I am starting to realise though is that every relationship, despite it's perhaps inevitable failure will yield lessons that will build up, and perhaps one day lead to one that won't.

Thanks, that's useful - something to think about.



I somehow relate to you. In my case, im scared to get married..now days divorce is a common thing. But i know i gotta take that risk at some point of my life otherwise, i wud end up spending my life alone. Everybody wants to be loved for once. Everybody deserves that. So do you. Just give urself a chance and take the risk and make someone(that girl) a part of it. If u success, then u will both success together. Make it a challenge; a challenge that u believe in. :smile:

Reply 5

Part of what you say I understand, and you have a catch-22 problem in the fact that your problem stops you from getting into a relationship, but a relationship will probably "cure" your problem.

The thing is that you are surely thinking too far ahead of yourself and to be perfectly honest, the relationship doesn't have to end. You seem to be focusing on the 'breaking up' and the bad parts that may accompany the relationship.

But who said that a breakup had to happen? Where is there a book of rules stating that 'after x years a couple must split'. I see no book, no list, no rules. So base the relationship on that, proving that in today's society a couple can stick together, plenty do.

Reply 6

i can totally relate to you but i find it hard to get to eventhe 2-3mnths stage! unfortunately i dont have an answer or a solution but i suppose its a little bit of comfort knowing that im not the only one going thru all this.