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I don't think I fit the whole Uni experience...

[Please keep as anon or delete. Thanks.]

I've been here three weeks now. I try to make conversation with people, but after the initial "what's your name?" "what you studying?" it dies out and I never see them again. I have nobody I can call a friend and every night I have been staying in my room alone because, if I went out, I would be by myself looking like a loner. I don't get how people make friends in this kind of weird situation/setting. I can't do it and I know full well that the longer I stay in the room the worse it's going to get as people get to know each other better and better. I feel embarrased and ashamed when people ask "where did you go out last night?" and I reply with "nothing". Everyone else seems to have found friendship groups and I am left on the outside, I'm not confident enough to mix into pre-defined groups which seem happy already, and don't like the thought of coming across as desperate.

I'm constantly tired and I don't why. I get 8+ hours sleep and I still feel tired during the day. I can't concentrate in lectures and my work is suffering. I think I am getting depressed :frown:

I worked my ass off to get here and I was so excited, and now I just want to go home - I miss my family and friends soooo much.

Sorry for the moan, but I really feel fed up at the moment. :frown:

Reply 1

PasserBy9

11

Okay, there seems to be some common advice going round at the moment, it is:

•

Join clubs and societies

•

Try and make a conversation with the person next to you in the lecture theatre (before the lecture starts is probably better), just maybe they have the same interests as you.

•

Don't worry too much, you are in week 4 of a (possibly) 4 year section of your life.

•

It seems unlikely you will have gotten close to your groups (if you are doing group work yet), but you will start to make friends with them (or enemies, it depends on how much you like them).

•

"Everyone else has made friends" is common at the moment, to be honest, I don't know much more about the people who I walk around with than their names.

I think that is pretty much the cut down version of all the other threats like this. Not to sound harsh but a lot more people are in the same situation then you expect.

Reply 2

Double Agent

18

You wont find any friends sitting on your own in your room. It really is what you make it, and although you may not get a good response from everyone, at least you tried, now move on to the next person. Go to as many things as possible, events, clubs etc, you cant help but meet people.

Reply 3

Tyrannosaurus Cal

15

I know how you feel, I just keep telling myself that it's only been 3 weeks! I'm exhausted from all the new experiences (I'm currently lying in bed) but I reckon things will continue to get more enjoyable as I settle in. I hope you find things better soon, I'm sure there's plenty of people who want to make new friends!

You seem nice, so I doubt you'll have much trouble on that front :smile:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

lammy

You wont find any friends sitting on your own in your room. It really is what you make it, and although you may not get a good response from everyone, at least you tried, now move on to the next person. Go to as many things as possible, events, clubs etc, you cant help but meet people.

The thing is, I know that I won't make friends sitting in my room, and I know that it will only get more difficult as time goes on. I know what the problem is, I just can't get my act together to do anything about it.

You say "go to as many things as possible" but I find that excruciatingly difficult by myself. I cringe just thinking about turning up somewhere alone and walking into a room full of people happily chatting with each other like they are best friends.

Reply 5

Queen Alice

10

Anonymous

The thing is, I know that I won't make friends sitting in my room, and I know that it will only get more difficult as time goes on. I know what the problem is, I just can't get my act together to do anything about it.

You say "go to as many things as possible" but I find that excruciatingly difficult by myself. I cringe just thinking about turning up somewhere alone and walking into a room full of people happily chatting with each other like they are best friends.

Don't moan about it... Do something! Do something right NOW!

Stop wasting time on TSR, and get out of your room and into to big wide world :smile:

If you don't want to sit there like a lonely lemon, bring a book maybe? Might be a conversation starter :wink:

Also, there is bound to be someone sitting by themselves, go introduce yourself and ask them lots and lots of questions till you become friends :biggrin:

And if it doesn't work today, try again and again till the other lonesome person you meet becomes your friend!

Also.. join clubs/societies! You must have some hobbies?

Reply 6

Double Agent

18

Ah ok then. The important thing is that you are making some effort to talk to people, i know thats hard. To change will be difficult, but gets easier the more you put into it. Get a piece of paper and scribble down what you want to do during your time at uni, for example ' join a sports club' or 'make some new friends' and then think about how you can achieve that. Most likely it will be to go to the things you want to join and putting in 100%. It will be hard, but theres no other way, its not easy. A tip for not having to walk into goups is to get there early, it gives you a chance to chat to the leaders (lecturers, coaches etc) and then say hi to people as they arrive, introduce yourself, where you're living, that sort of thing. They may seem like best friends, but they are all at some level trying to appear friendly and interesting, even if it comes more naturally to them than for you. This is your chance, jump in at the deep end.

Reply 7

Lara C.

3

hey, its all up to you. you have plenty of time to get to know people. i kinda konw how you feel but ive pushed people away because i prefer to be on my own doing my own thing.

i guess your just having a bad start, like MANY others are having not just in your uni but right the way across the country too. try and meet people on here who are in the same situation, use facebook etc.

best bet would be to get to konw people during group tasks, lectures etc and just ask if you can tag along. people do it all the time and everybody heard people ask to,

Reply 8

hannah_dru

2

Sure you can go out by yourself. Who cares what people think- just so long as its something you want to do and you have a good time.

It sounds like you have a lot of things on your mind so you probably aren't getting the right type of sleep. If it's possible, try to de-stress or see your doctor.

Reply 9

Stevie_Wonder

Its still not that far into the term, definitely not too late to get involved with groups that already exist. you just need to bite the bullet and do it, what are your house/flat mates like? do they go out much? If so get involved with them, chances are they will be predrinking in the living room/kitchen/ communal area...whatever you have. just ask them if they r goin out, if so ask if theyd mind if u tagged along, they wont say no. Have a few drinks and dont worry about making them your friend, just focus on having a good time and the rest will follow. I know it can seem daunting going into an existing group but most people at uni wont exclude anyone who makes the effort to get to know them.

Reply 10

noodles!

14

I know exactly how you feel. I've gotten closer to my friend from school who came here too, so I'm lucky, and I have a couple of friends from my course.

Just make a habit of sitting by the same person in lectures and talking to them, you'll get there.

Reply 11

Mos Def

17

What uni? Diff unis have these nice ice breaker events going on, where people actually go to make friends .

Reply 12

SoundDevastation

13

try all the things suggested above, but if you dont like dont stick at it for the sake of a degree.

I was well excited about going to uni. started off OK as a found a little group who also didnt like doing the 'normal' things uni students do. Now im in 3rd year im seriously depressed, forcing myself to get out the house in the morning.. i barely see the people i was friends with or anyone other than my housemates... wish id dropped out before wasting too much time here.

Reply 13

Lizj

10

You need to learn how to make small talk. Someone asking what you did last night is trying to start a conversation. Don't just say "nothing", say "I stayed in and did whatever - watched this on telly, read this etc" And then ask "did you go anywhere exciting". That way you start a conversation. It might turn out that they stayed in too and you can then arrange to meet.
It might lead to nothing, but you won't make friends if you don't make a bit of an effort and take a few chances.

Reply 14

gateshipone

10

I was in the same situation when I started uni. I just decided to chat to people sitting next to me in lectures and now I have a small, but good group of friends who I have tons in common with.

I'm not one for going to clubs and bars so that really was the best option for me and it worked. I guarantee there's someone on your course who you'll have a lot in common with, you just need to say hi to people and find out what they are like.

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

[Please keep as anon or delete. Thanks.]

I've been here three weeks now. I try to make conversation with people, but after the initial "what's your name?" "what you studying?" it dies out and I never see them again. I have nobody I can call a friend and every night I have been staying in my room alone because, if I went out, I would be by myself looking like a loner. I don't get how people make friends in this kind of weird situation/setting. I can't do it and I know full well that the longer I stay in the room the worse it's going to get as people get to know each other better and better. I feel embarrased and ashamed when people ask "where did you go out last night?" and I reply with "nothing". Everyone else seems to have found friendship groups and I am left on the outside, I'm not confident enough to mix into pre-defined groups which seem happy already, and don't like the thought of coming across as desperate.

I'm constantly tired and I don't why. I get 8+ hours sleep and I still feel tired during the day. I can't concentrate in lectures and my work is suffering. I think I am getting depressed :frown:

I worked my ass off to get here and I was so excited, and now I just want to go home - I miss my family and friends soooo much.

Sorry for the moan, but I really feel fed up at the moment. :frown:

I couldn't tell you how much I understand what you're feeling right now. I've been here, depressed in my room all afternoon, evening and night for exactly the same reason. It is really hard to make friends here. There are loads of people I speak to but none of them are like me, I can't relate to them at all. I don't know what to do either. In the first week I went to some events but I lost motivation because there were so many societies and I didn't know what to join and also I don't have anyone to go to them with and some things clash with my lectures. I have never been more unhappy in my life. I think uni is doing me more harm than good.
Because Im not happy, Im not doing any work and Im eating more. And because I haven't joined any societies and I'm not doing any sport I am not getting any sort of exercise. I used to be involved in sport and now Im not involved in anything. I used to do mentoring, sport, everything really and Im not in anything now. I feel like a total outcast. There are just too many bigger characters here that would totally overshadow me even if i do join anything.
I play an instrument, which I am going to forget how to play because I have no teacher and Im not in a band or anything. I went along to this band practice thing but I don't feel I'm good enough, I struggled quite a bit in the orchestra. And because I have no friend to go with me I have no motivation whatsoever,
Uni is just too big and too busy and I don't fit in at all.
As for my course, that's a whole other story. Struggling with the practicals a lot. The number of times I just want to just burst into tears but I just try and hold it in because everyone else seems to be holding it together and plus Im 18, Im kind of too old to do that. And it would have no effect anyway.
Whether I shout, cry or scream, no-one would even see me.
Im invisible at uni, I really am. That is the problem, there are too many people and too much going on for anyone to give a damn about anyone else.
I have no idea what to do. I've had enough.
I never knew it could be this bad.

Reply 16

Rosie151

2

Anonymous

[Please keep as anon or delete. Thanks.]

I've been here three weeks now. I try to make conversation with people, but after the initial "what's your name?" "what you studying?" it dies out and I never see them again. I have nobody I can call a friend and every night I have been staying in my room alone because, if I went out, I would be by myself looking like a loner. I don't get how people make friends in this kind of weird situation/setting. I can't do it and I know full well that the longer I stay in the room the worse it's going to get as people get to know each other better and better. I feel embarrased and ashamed when people ask "where did you go out last night?" and I reply with "nothing". Everyone else seems to have found friendship groups and I am left on the outside, I'm not confident enough to mix into pre-defined groups which seem happy already, and don't like the thought of coming across as desperate.

I'm constantly tired and I don't why. I get 8+ hours sleep and I still feel tired during the day. I can't concentrate in lectures and my work is suffering. I think I am getting depressed :frown:

I worked my ass off to get here and I was so excited, and now I just want to go home - I miss my family and friends soooo much.

Sorry for the moan, but I really feel fed up at the moment. :frown:

You poor thing. It sounds like you've been having a rough time. Uni is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and this is a down, but there will also be plenty of ups. I have some advice for you.

1. Remember to feel proud of yourself for what you have achieved. You've worked hard, you're at university, preparing yourself for the rest of your life, you're going to carry on working hard and get a good degree, and a job you love. Don't forget that.

2. It's only the fourth week. Things will change completely in the next few weeks, let alone the next three years! Carry on being friendly, you will make friends, you will have an awesome time.

3. Go to everything. If a club, society, social, event etc sounds good, go to it. Maybe you'll be by yourself. Who cares? If people judge you then there'll not the kind of people you want to impress anyway. Chin up. Go. Talk to people. I went to four socials last week and at the first three I didn't meet anyone at all but at the fourth one I met a really lovely guy who I'm going out tonight. Ok - don't overdo the partying - but never turn down an invitation because you're afraid.

4. Be friends with people from your halls. Ultimately you're going to be living together for a year. Life will be much easier if you get along. You don't have to be best friends. But try to get along.

5. Volunteer for stuff - eg. organising a charity week, running a society etc - you'll become close to people that way.

6. Don't be afraid. Be confident, be friendly, and people will want to talk to you. If you're hanging in a corner hoping that no one notices that you're alone, who's going to want to come and chat?

7. Remember that you don't just have to make friends with first years - who can often be a bit competitive about getting into the 'right friendship groups' asap. Make friends with second years, third years, even post grads.

8. Don't stay in your room. Leave the door open. If you need to work - you could organise a study group.

9. Don't give up. Maybe today will suck. There's still tomorrow for something amazing to happen. There will always be highs and lows and you just have to deal with that. The first few weeks of uni is a difficult time for everyone.

10. Call your parents, family, and old friends. Don't forget the people who are already in your life. Remember that no matter what, you still have them.

11. Think about it this way - groups form in freshers' week but they're very superficial and often don't last. It takes much longer than a couple of weeks to find your real friends - if that's what you want, then hold out. You'll find them.

Reply 17

Anonymous #2

And I've been here for 5 and a half weeks. I don't know if I will survive until Christmas. And going home doesn't help because I don't even get to see my friends because they don't seem to be able to make any time to see me. And being at home, I'm not even happy there. I'd rather be at uni. I hate my house.

Reply 18

SoundDevastation

13

everyone always wants to be so positive.

If you dont like it, quit before you waste too much of your life. Get a job, rent a flat.. travel, whatever! you dont NEED to go to uni or stay at home.

Reply 19

gateshipone

10

SoundDevastation

everyone always wants to be so positive.

If you dont like it, quit before you waste too much of your life. Get a job, rent a flat.. travel, whatever! you dont NEED to go to uni or stay at home.

I'd say being positive is probably good since these feelings may be due to homesickness which will subside at some point, and giving up too early could be a bad decision.

I do agree with your second point though, if you really don't like uni you can leave and do something else. But I would say give it more time before you make a final decision.

And Anonymous 2, you're never too old to cry, I did plenty in my first few weeks in uni. If your uni has a counselling service maybe you could check that out. Talking to someone might help, it did for me.

I don't think I fit the whole Uni experience...

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