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Am I being a crap gf or is he being unfair?????

Ive moved away to Uni for my 1st year & my bf is still back home working full time, which is only 45mins away. I was quite depressed the year before I came and was worried about fitting in & really wanted to make new mates & I feel much happier now.
However me & my bf have been arguing about the amount of time we should be spending together.
At the moment my bf wants my week nights to be spent like this:
(Bearing in mind the days are out for lectures/extra working/laundry etc)

Mon - FREE to go out etc
Tues - Sports Training
Weds - See Bf
Thurs - Working at Part Time Job
Fri - See Bf
Sat - Daytime (Free but need job) Nightime (FREE to go out etc)
Sun - Daytime (Sports Match) (Night See Bf)

I can only really afford to go out once a week & the only night I really like to go out is on a Weds & thats when my mates would go out (A LOT cheaper than going out on the weekend). However he isnt happy about me going out on the Wed & said if I did then I should give up my Training session on a Tues. I dont want to because I have already given up a training session for him thats meant to take place on the friday.

He says that he doesnt see why he should see me on a Mon because HE is playing sport for an hour where he is. Plus he cant see me on a sat because he wants to go out.

I just feel like 3 nights a week is a lot because I havent really got much "Me-Time" & I dont think 1 night a week is enough to socialise with my new friends & get to know them a lot better. :s-smilie:

I'd like my week like this:

Mon - See Bf
Tues - Sports Training
Weds - Go out/See Mates
Thurs - Work
Fri - See Bf
Sat - Chill Out/See Mates
Sun - Play Sport/Me Time/Extra Study (Also maybe see him then as well)

The thing is he said that if I dont spend the minimum of 3 nights a week (INCLUDING A WEDNESDAY)with him then its over after 2 years of being together! (Because he cant handle spending that much time apart) I can understand how he feels because we have gone from spending every day together to hardly anything but on the other hand I dont want to isolate myself at Uni & really want to make good friends. On the other hand I dont want to be without him because I Love him & he is my best friend as well as being my Bf! :frown:

I would be so gutted about losing him & the thought of him being with another grl makes me feel so upset,sad & lonely.
Am I really being that selfish? I just want some unbiased feedback really as its crunch time & what I decide will make or break us.
Sorry for the long post! :redface:

Reply 1

Angelil

19

Personally I think Friday and Sunday would be enough as you suggest (why should he give up his stuff on a Monday) and that tbh a lot of it sounds like him throwing his toys out of the pram.
And besides, if he'd dump you over that then I'd be questioning his maturity :s-smilie:

Reply 2

Joanna May

15

He sounds like he needs to grow up. Seeing you three times a week is selfish when he knows you need time to make new friends and meet new people at university. It's also unreasonable to expect you to give things up when he won't:

He says that he doesnt see why he should see me on a Mon because HE is playing sport for an hour where he is. Plus he cant see me on a sat because he wants to go out.

You aren't in the wrong. Tell him firmly that you need to be able to start your new life at uni, and that you don't want to leave him behind, but equally you need time to make new friends.

Reply 3

nougat

Why the hell does your boyfriend get to timetable your life for you? Tell him to take his ultimatum and shove ittt.

Reply 4

Saffie

11

he should want you to be happy.
& your ideal week seems very reasonable, in my opinion.

Reply 5

*Katie*

1

Your week sounds reasonable, without the Wednesday.

Reply 6

generalebriety

16

Woah, hold on. While I appreciate what the above people are saying, who the **** would want to be in a relationship where they barely got to see their partner? Now ok, three days a week isn't too bad, but when you have to put it on a rota it gets a hell of a lot more impersonal than a relationship should be.

It's a bad situation, I don't think either of you is being unfair, maybe he wants his timetable rather than yours for exactly the same reasons as you - he wants to be able to do stuff on a certain day and keep a certain day free. That's natural. So compromise. Christ, that's what relationships are about.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Seriously, do what your heart tells you to do. He should be supportive of you, not make you choose between him and Uni. No matter how long you've been together, you really have to do what's right for you. I went to Uni last year in a relationship and it sounds a bit like yours: I was expected to give everything up to spend time with him and I ended up isolated, thoroughly miserable and dropping out. I realised then that no-one should have that much control over you so do whatever makes you happy, or you'll end up depressed and feeling lonely at uni.

Reply 8

username136883

8

generalebriety

Woah, hold on. While I appreciate what the above people are saying, who the **** would want to be in a relationship where they barely got to see their partner? Now ok, three days a week isn't too bad, but when you have to put it on a rota it gets a hell of a lot more impersonal than a relationship should be.

It's a bad situation, I don't think either of you is being unfair, maybe he wants his timetable rather than yours for exactly the same reasons as you - he wants to be able to do stuff on a certain day and keep a certain day free. That's natural. So compromise. Christ, that's what relationships are about.

He's not compromising, though, and she is trying to - he wants her to not do her training so he can see her that day and threatens to dump her, and, if it really was that he wanted to see her more, she is free another evening, but he refuses to do that because he has a similar thing that night. I think he is definitely being unfair. She's already given up one of them. He's demanding behaviour from her that he won't even contemplate himself :/ Of course, things tend to be biased because we only have her point of view, but still...

I would love to see my boyfriend two days every week. This guy has the possibility of another day, too, even without Wednesday. He really needs to realise that someone like me, who only sees their boyfriend most weekends, is basically lucky when it comes to uni LDRs, so he has it really good :/

I don't think it's too much of a 'rota' - I mean, I can only see my boyfriend at weekends, but that doesn't seem impersonal or too preplanned - it's just the only feasible time, we're both adults and we realise that that's just how it is. Still, I have nights when I wouldn't see him anyway because I am busy, and I know he has the same, and I'd be worried if he didn't.

Reply 9

generalebriety

16

rinabean

He's not compromising, though, and she is trying to - he wants her to not do her training so he can see her that day and threatens to dump her, and, if it really was that he wanted to see her more, she is free another evening, but he refuses to do that because he has a similar thing that night. I think he is definitely being unfair. She's already given up one of them. He's demanding behaviour from her that he won't even contemplate himself :/

So really it's his tone of voice you object to? Essentially, if the girl was demanding her timetable and he was "compromising" by suggesting his timetable, you'd think differently? I don't think either of them is compromising, I think they both want their own way and neither wants to give up time with the other or time with uni people. Which is understandable.

He's probably threatening to dump her because he doesn't want to be attached to someone he never sees, or someone he sees at the expense of giving up the rest of his life. True, he's asking her to do the same, but she's welcome to say no and they can split up if it's too hard for them; he's not emotionally compelled to stay with her just because it's not nice to split up with her over something so 'petty', because to him spending time with his friends or doing whatever he does might be important (just as it is to the OP, clearly).

rinabean

I would love to see my boyfriend two days every week. This guy has the possibility of another day, too, even without Wednesday. He really needs to realise that someone like me, who only sees their boyfriend most weekends, is basically lucky when it comes to uni LDRs, so he has it really good :/

Oh, don't do this "there are kids starving in Africa" routine.

rinabean

I don't think it's too much of a 'rota' - I mean, I can only see my boyfriend at weekends, but that doesn't seem impersonal or too preplanned - it's just the only feasible time, we're both adults and we realise that that's just how it is. Still, I have nights when I wouldn't see him anyway because I am busy, and I know he has the same, and I'd be worried if he didn't.

So? Everyone's different. I'd hate to be in a relationship where I hardly saw the other person, it's just a silly situation and not a hugely desirable one.

Reply 10

Zoecb

11

An ultimatum is just rude, 2 nights a week is plenty, and anyway, this timetable stuff is weird.

Reply 11

username47781

20

Oh he really needs to grow up and stop dictating to you how your timetable should be.

Reply 12

Stealth-Mode

13

It seems you are moving to a next stage in your life that doesn't fit around your bf although you still want to hang on to him for sentimental reasons (he's your best friend and you have been going out for two years etc).

It might be best to go 'on a break' to test the waters of singledom for a short while and then decide whether it might be best just to remain friends, or the trial seperation might convinve you to spend more time with your bf.

Reply 13

Robbolo

13

I know people that are happily in relationships and only get to see each other every few weeks, he should consider himself lucky anyway, there are a lot of people in much much strained positions.

Reply 14

graemematt

12

What happened to spontaneity in today's society??

You're at university and he's working, and he's asking you to accommodate him?? You've got the best few years of your life ahead of you, don't let that go to waste by clinging to your boyfriend (who is 45 mins away!) when he demands you to.

My advice is just to scrap the timetable and agree to see him when you get a chance. And if it feels like a chore for either of you, then end it before it gets worse...

Reply 15

amie

14

graemematt

What happened to spontaneity in today's society??

You're at university and he's working, and he's asking you to accommodate him?? You've got the best few years of your life ahead of you, don't let that go to waste by clinging to your boyfriend (who is 45 mins away!) when he demands you to.

My advice is just to scrap the timetable and agree to see him when you get a chance. And if it feels like a chore for either of you, then end it before it gets worse...

I totally agree, I don't see the need to pre-plan exactly which days you'll see each other. It seems really strange to me, what if you have something specific you want to do with him on Saturday and want to go out with your friends on a Monday just for a change? Are you going to say, "sorry, my rota says I can't"?

Christ, why not just see how you both feel each week depending on your other commitments and how badly you want to see each other?

To his mind, rightly or wrongly, he's probably already feeling like he's made a compromise by continuing your relationship whilst you move onto a completely new phase in your life and his doesn't change. So that's something to think about. Although threatening to dump you if you don't specifically rota him in for Wednesdays is a bit pathetic if you ask me.

Anyway I agree with graemematt, see each other when you feel like it and have the time, not based on some pre-determined timetable. If you get to a point where you're too busy for each other, can't be bothered to make the effort or would rather be doing something else all the time then end it.

Reply 16

KarlZ

OP

We're not planning a timetable exactly I wrote it out that way so you guys could get the general idea aout the situation but my bf does want certain days within the week and isnt happy about seeing each other willy nilly/whenever. So whilst I can appreciate people saying be spontaneous etc - Thats pretty difficult and our relationship doesnt really work that way, although Im sure it would work for many other people. I can understand that its harder for my bf because Im the one thats moved away but at the same time I do love him, want to see him but still dont want to isolate myself at uni by only socialising once a week. He's had mates at uni and practically lived with them so he's had his experience at uni but I havent. He's got loads of mates but I havent. Am I being unfair? (I still appreiciate that you are only hearing my side of the sory but it is how I see things really)

Reply 17

qubog

12

How about telling him you'll see him zero nights a week for a long long time? Giving ultimatums is really low

Reply 18

h82think

14

My bf is at uni, and I am still at college. He is 1.5hrs away.

My bf, like you, has a busy social life so it was hard trying to fit myself in. What we decided to do is I come up at the weekend, then we see each other as much as we can. We usually spend half hour slots together. Could this also work for you?

Reply 19

Arteta

15

He sounds like an idiot. How can he dictate what you do? Do what you like and don't let him control you.

Am I being a crap gf or is he being unfair?????

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