So, do I sleep with him?

Anon as my friends use this forum and don't know about this.

I'm in my 3rd year at uni and have been friends with this guy since first year. Actually, I used to think he was quite cute, but he's really shy and wasn't interested anyway and I lost interest in him. I got to know him really well as a friend though as we have mutual friends, and we became quite close (in a totally platonic way, I had a long term boyfriend for a lot of last year). He told me he was really inexperienced and rubbish with girls, and we used to advise each other on our love lives. Gradually things got flirtier and flirtier, and over the long summer holiday we would call each other and it always ended up being very flirtatious..and quite dodgy really. We were both pursuing other people and being open with each other about this though, so it was kind of strange.

Since we've been back at uni it's got more and more strange. First we shared a bed and nothing happened, then another night we kissed, then last week we shared a bed and something did happen... and now every time we go out we walk home hand in hand and kiss a lot (initiated by him). Our friends have always teased us about fancying each other but they don't know about any of this. We both openly don't want a relationship with each other, we just are both lonely and close. However much we tell each other it's a weird relationship, it just keeps happening.

The thing is, it's been getting quite a lot more sexual recently. He has said he wants things to go a lot further several times. He's a virgin, I'm a lot more experienced than him and I don't want to be patronising but I feel bad. He takes all our kissing a lot more seriously than me and often wants to 'talk about things', partly because he hasn't kissed many people before, and I can't help thinking he should lose his virginity to someone he really likes. He sometimes agrees with me on this, but more often than not tries to initiate sexual stuff anyway. I think I do want something more to happen, but I can't help but feel responsible for him slightly. Also, I am fine with being just friends who kiss and stuff like that, but I'm not sure if I'd end up feeling used myself through sleeping with him. Would our friendship be damaged a lot?

It's tricky because I do fancy him (despite not wanting a relationship with him) and I'm sure we'd both enjoy it... Any advice at all would be much appreciated.

Reply 1

Megatronix

Don't sleep with him just for the sake of it. Isnt that obvious? If you both want a proper relationship go for it.

Reply 2

Kady

I had the same relationship with one of my best friends once, we were just platonic friends and it gradually grew into more, even though we didn't want a relationship. He was my best friend, and he won't even talk to me anymore because i got drunk and nearly slept (stopped just short of sex) with one of his friends (who i dont like, i was extremely drunk), but he felt it was a betrayal, and i dont blame him. He won't even look at me anymore, and we havent spoken in 4 months.
The moral? If you don't want a relationship with each other, that leaves you both free to have a relationship with other people, but one or both of you will probably end up getting hurt. I know that having a friend like that is fun and comforting, but it's better to stay platonic friends, or go out with each other.

Reply 3

Dionysus

15

If you want it, you should have sex, if nothing else because the poor lad is still a virgin at that age, and has probably been ignoring other possible routes to it because he wants you.

Reply 4

FireDeuce

14

If he wants to "talk" after you kiss what are you going to do to the poor boy if you shag him then look at him funny if he wants anything more??

Reply 5

Kater Murr

20

Dionysus

If you want it, you should have sex, if nothing else because the poor lad is still a virgin at that age, and has probably been ignoring other possible routes to it because he wants you.

I don't think so; she's said that the relationship is mutually only because they're lonely.

I wouldn't do it; but that's just me.

Reply 6

PasserBy9

11

If you are going to feel like a parent figure, that is going to be bad. But why should you feel like one? Just because you've had sex doesn't make you any better does it?

Reply 7

Tyler Durden

17

Just talk to him about it. From what you've said I actually think you should sleep together; he could do with the experience, you both obviously fancy one another, you trust one another and you clearly are very good friends. Being in your final year at university, it's not as though you're going to be getting into long-term relationships with other people anyway (and neither of you really seem to want that anyway). As long as he knows that it's sex with a friend rather than a marriage proposal you should be good to go. Bear in mind that before he's had sex he's much more likely to think of it as a massive deal. If you sleep together there's a good chance he'll just realise it's something hugely enjoyable to do with a person you care about and doesn't necessarily lead to a nice suburban house, with 2.4 kids and a dog called Rufus.

**** him silly

OP

PasserBy9

If you are going to feel like a parent figure, that is going to be bad. But why should you feel like one? Just because you've had sex doesn't make you any better does it?

I never said anything about feeling like a parent figure, or about being better than him! It's mainly that I'm not sure how much of his normal brain he's thinking about this with and how much is his 'other' brain - just don't want him to regret it. Patronising maybe, but he's my friend and I care about him.

Reply 10

matt@internet

12

So all men think with their dicks eh? :wink:

Reply 11

didgeridoo12uk

16

friends with benefits... go for it

at least he's losing it with someone he knows, and obvioulsy likes....

rather than getting drunk and doing it with a total stranger

Reply 12

arietta

haha i love the fact that most of the people who are saying to go for it are guys!!

Reading your post it sounds like you're really not too sure about the matter, which to me would be a reason not to do it!

If you're not 100% sure about it there's a chance you could end up regretting it thus your relationship could end up being a bit "weird" or different afterwards. Then there's the chance that he could possibly end up wanting more, or think more of it that there actually was, and if you don't feel the same way this too could cause problems in your relationship.

I'd suggest that you'd try and avoid matters and keep friends as friends and lovers and lovers...at the end of the day it makes things a bit easier.

Reply 13

Coffe saved my life

Anonymous

We both openly don't want a relationship with each other

Yet you want to have sex with him?
I think if you get it sorted out that you both are certain you don't want a normal relationship with each other then it'll become certain he doesn't want to lose his virginity with you.
I'm sure it would also work the other way in terms of if you both became certain you did want a relationship.
Otherwise getting really drunk is probably the only answer...

Reply 14

punktopia

3

arietta

haha i love the fact that most of the people who are saying to go for it are guys!!

Reading your post it sounds like you're really not too sure about the matter, which to me would be a reason not to do it!

If you're not 100% sure about it there's a chance you could end up regretting it thus your relationship could end up being a bit "weird" or different afterwards. Then there's the chance that he could possibly end up wanting more, or think more of it that there actually was, and if you don't feel the same way this too could cause problems in your relationship.

I'd suggest that you'd try and avoid matters and keep friends as friends and lovers and lovers...at the end of the day it makes things a bit easier.

Sounds like they're already lovers, might as well seal the deal.

Reply 15

matt@internet

12

Are you good in bed OP? If so I say **** him. On a serious note, if you do decide to sleep with him make sure that he's aware of the situation. It's just sex between two people who find each other very attractive.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

matt@internet

Are you good in bed OP? If so I **** him. On a serious note, if you do decide to sleep with him make sure that he's aware of the situation. It's just sex between two people who find each other very attractive.

Erm, I like to think I'm pretty good yeah...but part of being good is understanding that different guys like different things, so who knows. And by the way, I never said all men think with their dicks. Just that this one has done and probably will continue to do so to an extent. I don't understand the workings of the infamous pair of male brains, hence the asking for advice anonymously on the internet.

Reply 17

matt@internet

12

Anonymous

Erm, I like to think I'm pretty good yeah...but part of being good is understanding that different guys like different things, so who knows. And by the way, I never said all men think with their dicks. Just that this one has done and probably will continue to do so to an extent. I don't understand the workings of the infamous pair of male brains, hence the asking for advice anonymously on the internet.

"I know, I know, I was in fact being sarcastic."
And I'll give you a brief introduction to the male brains, though your mother should have told you this long ago; basically, we don't have enough blood to power them both at the same time.
It's the reason for beer goggles. It's nothing to do with alcohol making woman look more attractive. It restricts blood flow and causes us to be in a permanent state of horniness. We know that the woman looks like a dog, we just don't care at the time.
It's only in the morning when our head brain kicks in and we start yelling at our dicks "Why did you let me do this?!?" "Do you hate me that much, or are you just that weak?!?"

Reply 18

Becca <3.

1

No. Don't.

You're both just "there". You just happen to be a spare body and both seem to naturally long for another to be with, or be close to. So you and him to each other, no matter how much you care for each other as friends are just the easiest, next best thing, most convenient option.

Do you wanna be that? Simply convenience? I don't know. If it were me, I wouldn't be wanting to base a relationship [whether serious or merely sexual], on that basis.

Up to you o'course.

Reply 19

username47781

20

I wouldn't sleep with him if you want him purely for sex, it seems he has more feelings for you than you do for him.

So, do I sleep with him?

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