Afraid to be myself.

hey, thought i would be very cliched and write an oh so angsty account of how i feel.

im 19 years old, and this is my first year at uni. im about 90% sure that im gay. But i dont think that ive fully come to terms with it yet. hense the 90% thing. so im not out, except to a couple of very trust worthy close friends. I am a christian and i love my faith and my chuch and my god. (cheesy - please dont make this about religious cos it isnt). and im having a very rough time.

i have 2 groups of friends, my school friends, and my church friends, and the new uni people. and im just scared to be who i think i am. firstly, i feel so guilty about the way i feel, how can i have a fulfilling relationship with someone im attracted too (another man) and profess to be a christian at the same time? its such a big inconsistancy, and i love my church, and my church friends, and my faith is very important to me. and i know that if i ever came out to them they would not understand, and id lose them, and it eats me up. my school friends are different, ive been playing straight with them since i was young, and i dont know how to suddenly turn their image of me on its head. i dont understand why im the way i am. being straight would be SO much easier.

i cant come to terms with the fact that ill never have a normal life with a house, and kids and a wife, and i want that. so much. it just isnt fair.

i got so drunk last night, and i just ended up trying it on with one of my friends housemates, who isnt gay. and i just feel gutted, and alone, and upset with myself. am i gonna end up spending my whole life on guard, never being happy or knowing what its like to fall asleep next to someone you love. being some closet virgin whose 40. and throw myself at anyone when ive had a drink, and feel comfortable enough to vent some sexual frustration.

all my friends are starting to settle into relationships and i feel on my own, and everyone keeps asking me when im gonna settle down with a girl, and it just upsets me.

im sorry if this seems self indulgent, i just cant talk to anyone else about it, and i really need 2.

i just cant see any options for myself. i cant see a life for myself that i want to live. all i see is walls, and i feel like theyre closing in on me. and it isnt my fault, i didnt for this, i didnt want it. and i dont know whether im strong enough to actually be honest with myself and everyone that matters to me.

Reply 1

whatever...

if ya wanna you could pm me....that's ,ore afith wise (dont worry no lecture)

Reply 2

Jamin

I reckon that sooner rather than later you will have to tell your friends. I know you're concerned about losing them but if they are good enough friends i'm sure they won't be too bothered.

As for your christian friends. That's a bit more tricky, i'm not religious in any way whatsoever but again surely they will still accept you? Or are they really christian and therefore pretty much homophobic.

And you said you're 90% sure, does that mean you could be bi-sexual?
In which case your worries about not having a family and kids are null and void, even if i'm wrong here you can always adopt.

Tbh, it's quite hard for me to give any reasonable advice to you because i'm neither gay nor am i religious but if you need to chat about anything you're welcome to send me a pm.

Reply 3

generalebriety

Of course you're strong enough to be honest with yourself; but if you genuinely don't know whether you're gay or not (I was lucky, I knew when I was 11 or so but I know people who still don't even know it fully now), give it a while and wait and see. You're likely to be sexually frustrated, but you really have to stop feeling guilty or unnatural, because that will cloud your judgement. Find out what you are first, then figure out what you want to do about it, don't just get an inkling you might be gay and immediately build barriers against it. Accepting yourself as gay doesn't mean you have to do anything about it (having sex with another guy is a sin, but being gay in itself isn't; there are a few gay priests around), but refusing to accept yourself as gay will only cause you more hassle. If you're 90% sure you're gay, those are statistically pretty damn good odds to try and come to terms with being gay (and then if it turns out you're not, then fine).

If you want any more advice on generally accepting yourself as gay, you're welcome to PM me or just post back here.

Reply 4

The Saurus

While I don't personally feel God hates gay people, Christians ARE intolerant and they WILL attack you for it. You'll just have to deal with it. The only thing you can do is take this as a lesson that organised religion is created by people, and is accompanied by all their flaws. You can't help who you are, so go ahead and be gay. Any god that punishes you for you are isn't worth worshipping anyway.

Reply 5

ph9

well i'm not gay but i am "abnormal" (lack of a better word) in another way and i've just learned to accept it instead of trying to battle it. it's taken me about 7/8 years lol but once you get there, you're a lot wiser, stronger and happier and all of that (sounds very cheesy but i don't know how else to put it). really if you want any peace you're going to have to accept yourself and deal with it. it's who you are and you can't change it. don't fight it... that's what i learned... i suppose in a way it's moments like this that'll make you realise who your real friends are if you want to come out?

plus i also learned that a lot of the time you sort of exaggerate things in your mind. you play moments that haven't happened back over and over in your head and that just creates even more worry. why worry about something that isn't a REAL problem?

hope i helped in some way