The Student Room Group

If you love someone, should you hide them from pain or hurt them with honesty?

Where does your morality lie? Is it humanist to hide them from pain or is it merely selfish?

Let us say, for example, you are in love with someone (whether or not this applies to me as a person, just put yourself into the situation).

You are in a relationship with them, or are going to be, but in the past you have done something (and therefore lied about it) that may (very well likely, or at least so you think), or may not cause them to never see you again.

Do you stand by the idea that "What they don't know, will not hurt them?", do you hold the same result but claim that you "Love them too much to lose them". Or is honesty "The truest expression of your love", or "Morally correct".

Discuss!
Um, it depends on WHAT you've done.
I agree with Bish, it's dependant on how bad it is. If what you've done is pretty rough (you know, convicted of rape sorta rough) then they deserve to know. If it's more like you slept with their best friend before the relationship, what's the point telling them?

If you've been unfaithful during the relationship..well that's tricky. I've discussed it with my girl and she'd rather I kept it secret. She figures that once it's done, what's the point in her knowing so long as I came back to her. I must admit, I feel the same. You could try edging around the subject, see how she responds.

If it's something that will simply hurt her and isn't relevant, even if just not relevant YET, I would leave it alone. You could be hit by a bus tommorow , life is short. Also, other cliches.
Reply 3
I try to always tell the truth if I'm asked for my view etc. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do any different in a relationship - that I'd tell the other person if they asked. I don't think hiding things helps anything.
It depends totally on the situation and what the person has done.

...as an extra, did you know that we apparentely lie about 3 times a day (according to scientists) I don't think I lie that much. :s-smilie:
Reply 5
I do, but that's for my benefit. I rarely lie for the benefit of others. It's worked for me thus far.
Reply 6
I probably lie more than three times in just in one ten minute phone call from my mum.

Like someone else said if you did someting really bad you should tell her or if she may find out anyway. My friend has a criminal record for stealing ALOT of money from where he worked and he hasn't told his girlfriend but everyone knows because it was in the paper. With something like that where she might find out she may feel taken for a ride that you didn't tell her and everone knew.

If it's something that is very much in your past, irrelevant and won't come back to bite you don't tell her.
It doesn't depend at all, that's bull****. Tell the truth, and treat people like rational adults. If you tell the truth and it hurts someone, it's because you ****ed up, not because you told the truth. I'd rather be pained by truth than blissful in ignorance.
Reply 8
I think if you really like someone or especially if you love them, and you want to be with them longterm you should tell them everything you can about yourself. They need to know who you are, who you really are, as much as possible, before comitting to you longterm (mainly when marriage is involved). Finding out something about someone you love and suddenly feeling like really you don't know them is the worst feeling in the world - it makes you feel very unsure about that person and it makes you question whether you actually love them, or the person you thought they were. I think honesty is very very important in a relationship. Think about it - if something is kept secret doesn't it seem so much worse? A secret has so many bad feelings attached to it, whereas if you just come out and say it and be honest about what happened then it'll seem much less serious, you can relax because you're not carrying it around any more and the chances of you being forgiven are far far greater than it would be if the truth was discovered by accident.
Reply 9
in the long run, honesty wins.
it will hurt, but, it is better than them finding out a certain amount of time after, as then it will hurt more, especially when they've realised you've kept something from them.
you could say they'll never find out, but, you have to live with your conscience.
and if you love them, honesty is going to be for the best, and they must deserve the truth right?
and if they love you too, depending on how strong it is, and unconditionality of it all, it should be fine.
honesty could bring people closer. easily.
the ability to be able to open up and care enough for the other person to know everything.
Reply 10
DodgyTrousers

If you've been unfaithful during the relationship..well that's tricky. I've discussed it with my girl and she'd rather I kept it secret. She figures that once it's done, what's the point in her knowing so long as I came back to her. I must admit, I feel the same. You could try edging around the subject, see how she responds.



I didn't mean this quite. I HAVE been in this situation before, but resolved it as to my own feelings. What I'm interested in is where your morality lies.
Reply 11
In my experience, if you love someone, you should be honest with them.

I was in a situation regarding this not so long ago - I could lie/hide something, and keep someone's hopes up, or tell them the truth and hurt them.

Though at first, I considered lying to/hiding something from them; I realised I couldn't, as the feeling of guilt was too bad. I knew that hurting them would make me feel even worse, and would hurt them; but in the long run, be better for them even if it meant I lost them. So I told the truth, and luckily things worked out.

I've learned from that; and I'd never ever lie to someone I love, or hide anything from them, to spare them the pain - people deserve to know the truth. For me, the best thing to do for someone you love is to tell them the truth, then be there if they need you to deal with it.

The truth's always best in my opinion.
Reply 12
I would tell the truth, I'd like to think that I trust the person I'm with enough to tell them anything. It helps that I've never really been in a situation where something I've done has the potential to ruin a relationship.
Reply 13
It depends what it is. One quick kiss with a random girl in a club I'm never going to see again, I would be tempted to not tell her - what does it achieve? Anything more than that, I think it's better to be honest.
Tell the truth. If you love them they I think they deserve to know.