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Was this inappropriate?
(Anon because I'd prefer my identity not to be revealed.)
Last week I volunteered as a carer on a holiday for disabled people. There were trips each day and I was assigned to take a different guest out every time. On the first day I was assigned to a man who was about 65 odd who was quite nice to talk to, we had a nice day and at lunch he made a jokey reference about us being partners (I just laughed along to be polite, it was obviously a joke and he was married anyway.) He then requested to have me every day that week, and at the end of the second day he asked me to give him a kiss. I went to kiss him on the cheek and he told me to kiss him on the lips, so I did - thinking it was a bit weird, but went along with it anyway. The following few days he asked me to kiss him quite a few more times. It never went further, although I felt uncomfortable with it. I went along because I felt like it'd be really rude to just say no and also because it'd be suggesting that there was something sexual behind it and it'd make things awkward. I didn't find him remotely attractive, I'm 17 and kissing him was actually kind of repulsive. I know nothing can be done about it now, but do you think his behaviour was inappropriate? The first time I thought he was trying to be friendly and thank me for taking him out, but he kept on asking me throughout the following days (not just at the end to say thank you). I felt like I couldn't make things awkward by saying anything to him since it was a residential week and I'd see him around the centre all the time outside of the trips. What would you do if you were put in that situation?
Sorry for the long post
Last week I volunteered as a carer on a holiday for disabled people. There were trips each day and I was assigned to take a different guest out every time. On the first day I was assigned to a man who was about 65 odd who was quite nice to talk to, we had a nice day and at lunch he made a jokey reference about us being partners (I just laughed along to be polite, it was obviously a joke and he was married anyway.) He then requested to have me every day that week, and at the end of the second day he asked me to give him a kiss. I went to kiss him on the cheek and he told me to kiss him on the lips, so I did - thinking it was a bit weird, but went along with it anyway. The following few days he asked me to kiss him quite a few more times. It never went further, although I felt uncomfortable with it. I went along because I felt like it'd be really rude to just say no and also because it'd be suggesting that there was something sexual behind it and it'd make things awkward. I didn't find him remotely attractive, I'm 17 and kissing him was actually kind of repulsive. I know nothing can be done about it now, but do you think his behaviour was inappropriate? The first time I thought he was trying to be friendly and thank me for taking him out, but he kept on asking me throughout the following days (not just at the end to say thank you). I felt like I couldn't make things awkward by saying anything to him since it was a residential week and I'd see him around the centre all the time outside of the trips. What would you do if you were put in that situation?
Sorry for the long post
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You should have shown that you weren't comfortable with it, though I can understand how it would be difficult/awkward to do so.
When you say 'disabled', though, do you mean this guy was physically or mentally disabled (or both)? Your answer to this really does affect our understanding of the situation. If he's mentally disabled, then he may not have known it was inappropriate and it was in that case even worse of you to carry on as it could be construed as taking advantage (even though it wasn't). If he's physically disabled, but all there mentally, then he had you under duress and that could be construed as him taking advantage of you! So you can see how we need more information.
Either way, it's most definitely inappropriate and you should tell someone.
When you say 'disabled', though, do you mean this guy was physically or mentally disabled (or both)? Your answer to this really does affect our understanding of the situation. If he's mentally disabled, then he may not have known it was inappropriate and it was in that case even worse of you to carry on as it could be construed as taking advantage (even though it wasn't). If he's physically disabled, but all there mentally, then he had you under duress and that could be construed as him taking advantage of you! So you can see how we need more information.
Either way, it's most definitely inappropriate and you should tell someone.
Reply 3
Tell his wife.
Reply 4
The first time it completely took me by surprise and I thought he was actually just being grateful for me taking him out. I thought, ok well it's only a peck on the lips it's not like a full-on kiss. I didn't show that I was uncomfortable with it or refuse because I was stuck with him the whole week and didn't want to make things weird.Gah after re-reading my post I can't believe I let him. It's just that each time he asked me it was harder to refuse because I'd already kissed him before... Also he was practically old enough to be my grandad, and I kiss my relatives so I thought it was kind of the same thing (until I realised he probably thought it was more than that)
Reply 6
Angelil
You should have shown that you weren't comfortable with it, though I can understand how it would be difficult/awkward to do so.
When you say 'disabled', though, do you mean this guy was physically or mentally disabled (or both)? Your answer to this really does affect our understanding of the situation. If he's mentally disabled, then he may not have known it was inappropriate and it was in that case even worse of you to carry on as it could be construed as taking advantage (even though it wasn't). If he's physically disabled, but all there mentally, then he had you under duress and that could be construed as him taking advantage of you! So you can see how we need more information.
Either way, it's most definitely inappropriate and you should tell someone.
When you say 'disabled', though, do you mean this guy was physically or mentally disabled (or both)? Your answer to this really does affect our understanding of the situation. If he's mentally disabled, then he may not have known it was inappropriate and it was in that case even worse of you to carry on as it could be construed as taking advantage (even though it wasn't). If he's physically disabled, but all there mentally, then he had you under duress and that could be construed as him taking advantage of you! So you can see how we need more information.
Either way, it's most definitely inappropriate and you should tell someone.
He had multiple sclerosis - mentally perfectly fine, but he used a wheelchair because he couldn't walk or balance very well.
I feel like he took advantage of me and my politeness/general being-niceness.
Oh and to make things worse he said he'd been married for 41 years.
Reply 8
Are you 12?
Reply 9
I cant belived you kissed him either! Its not proffesional and you shouldnt do things your not comfortable with. I understand that you are young, inexperienced and because you volunteered seems like they didnt train you properly. But usually when you will be working with old people you are are taught not to in any way do something which may be perceived as sexual with them (kissing on the lips can be perceived as sexual). Old people are seen as vulnerable, you are more able-bodied so are not the vulnerable one. Doing something sexual is seen as abuse, its the same as working with children.
This is a tricky situation, although in this case it seems you were more the vunerable one, you probally would have been fired for kissing this old man in a more proffessional environment.
I think you should tell whoever is in charge, that he makes you feel uncomfortable and keeps asking to kiss you and seems to view you in a sexual way, explain the situation clearly and asked to work with someone else.
This is a tricky situation, although in this case it seems you were more the vunerable one, you probally would have been fired for kissing this old man in a more proffessional environment.
I think you should tell whoever is in charge, that he makes you feel uncomfortable and keeps asking to kiss you and seems to view you in a sexual way, explain the situation clearly and asked to work with someone else.
Reply 10
Look, I know it sounds wrong here but at the time it felt like I couldn't refuse. I'm a very non-confrontational person, so I'd find it hard to say something like "I don't think that's appropriate". I wouldn't have kissed him properly, it was just a peck each time.
Reply 11
You've probably made some bored old guy happy for a brief amount of time.
Take it for what it is and forget about it.
Take it for what it is and forget about it.
In that situation I would probably have wouldn't have got that close in the first place. But i've worked with older people with learning and physical disabilities in the first place, and I knew the company's policy on physical contact. You weren't to know, so you can hardly be blamed. The man was probably lonely and you seemed willing to provide some physical contact with him, so he's hardly an abuser or anything. If you are worried speak to the person supervising the trip but if I were, I would just use it as a learning experience for the future.
Reply 13
It's irrelevant if it was "only a peck". It was completely and utterly inappropriate, and to be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely astonished you went ahead with it.
EsStupido
It's irrelevant if it was "only a peck". It was completely and utterly inappropriate, and to be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely astonished you went ahead with it.
You can't really say that until you are in the same situation though. The girl is only 17, she made the wrong decision in a split second because of a lack of experience and then felt unable to go back on it. Cut her a bit of slack, there are people out there who are carrying out actual serious abuse on the elderly and a peck on the lips is hardly the worst she could've done to the guy especially considering he asked for it.
Reply 15
qubog
You can't really say that until you are in the same situation though. The girl is only 17, she made the wrong decision in a split second because of a lack of experience and then felt unable to go back on it. Cut her a bit of slack, there are people out there who are carrying out actual serious abuse on the elderly and a peck on the lips is hardly the worst she could've done to the guy especially considering he asked for it.
You're joking right?
If I was 17 and in the same position, I'd be strong enough to tell him where to get off. At 17, you can drive a car for God's sake, so surely you've become old enough and wise enough to know what's right from wrong, and when to say no?
The fact she admits to thinking it wasn't right, yet did nothing about it is incredible!
Reply 16
I dont think its the wrong decision. I worked at a care home for the elderly and dissabled, and most of them had some sort of memory or brain function loss. And they think they are young, or they are incredibley horny etc. I had one lady (80+) who had to be restrained a few times cus she was trying to rip my jeans off and obviously I couldnt just hit her. They are akward situations, but you have to understand that it wasnt meant in the way a lot of the people on here are taking it.
I suggest to just forget about it. If you were doing it for work experience you better get used to it
I suggest to just forget about it. If you were doing it for work experience you better get used to it
Reply 18
EsStupido
You're joking right?
If I was 17 and in the same position, I'd be strong enough to tell him where to get off. At 17, you can drive a car for God's sake, so surely you've become old enough and wise enough to know what's right from wrong, and when to say no?
The fact she admits to thinking it wasn't right, yet did nothing about it is incredible!
If I was 17 and in the same position, I'd be strong enough to tell him where to get off. At 17, you can drive a car for God's sake, so surely you've become old enough and wise enough to know what's right from wrong, and when to say no?
The fact she admits to thinking it wasn't right, yet did nothing about it is incredible!
You're completely over-reacting.
Yeah wasn't the best thing to do but it's not the end of the world.
He probably thinks it's cute, probably kisses his grandkids the same way. We're not talking about sexual abuse here, it's just a helpless old fella.
I'd do what's been said before, take it as life experience and make some jokey comment if it ever comes up in future, like 'aww I would but my boyfriend would probably kill you' or something flippant.
Seriously not a big deal. And don't let it put you off helping in future
Reply 19
A little inappropriate, but it's hardly a big deal. You probably just made him happy for a bit.
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