Am I being stupid and selfish?

Well my parents divorced about 5 years ago and let's just say my relationship with my dad has been a little rocky since then. We get on more nowadays but during the first couple of years it wasn't so good. Anyway, me and my mum have always been very close and still are except recently we keep arguing about the same thing (usually I make a small comment and my mum takes it seriously and a big thing starts). Anyway, I'll get to that in a second...

Firstly, my mum met this man about 6 months after the divorce and they've been dating since. It's only recently that I've got to know him a little more and he's an all right guy, seems decent and polite and all of that. My mum ALWAYS always said that she would never put ANY man before me and my brother and she never HAS, don't get me wrong, but recently she sees this guy a lot lot more and she invites him round which she knows me and my brother aren't so comfortable with. I don't know why we're like this? I don't know if we sub-consciously hope our parents will get back together or..? I know in my heart obviously I wish they were back together but realistically I know if it happened it would just be back to our old life of hell, it's best they're apart basically lol.

Well anyway, I have this university open day thing this Wednesday and it's quite far up north so without asking me my mum just went and asked him (not my dad, the other guy) if he could drive us up. I SHOULDN'T be annoyed about this should I? I mean he's doing us a favour? But for some reason I just don't feel comfortable with it. I don't want to be stuck in a car with him for 4 hours, I don't know why. I told my mum if we could just go up together alone since I'd prefer it was just her and me, mother and daughter sort of thing. I don't mean to be rude but he's not my father and I just don't want him there...

Argh, am I being stupid and selfish and all of that?

My mum's always done everything for me and my brother; without sounding TOO cheesy if we asked her to fly to the sky and get us a couple of stars she'd do it without thinking so I don't want to pay her back with this kind of selfishness (it upsets her when I even HINT I don't want to see him/talk to him/etc) but I can't help it. I don't know what I want exactly, suppose I just want to vent (only person I could tell this kind of stuff to irl is my mum and she's obviously not going to hear any of this) and get some opinions...

It's not that I have a problem with them being together. It's her life and I definitely don't want her to be lonely, it's just when he's in MY way, I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with him but my mum doesn't understand that. She gets angry and upset and thinks I'm rejecting the fact that she's with somebody, she just doesn't listen and then we end up having a HUGE argument :frown:

Sorry it's long :frown:

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Er, anyone?

Reply 2

Segat1

Talk to your mum about it. Or, write her a letter explaining it like you have on here.

Reply 3

nougat

Er, yeah..I think you are being selfish, but it's entirely understandable. I would feel exactly the same in your position; it's like a strange kind of jealousy and it's horrible I'm sure. However, for your mum's sake, and because you're not going to be living at home and such a huge part of her everyday life for too much longer, I would really try to swallow your feelings and just tolerate the whole situation as nicely as you can.

Reply 4

Brinny

If he's an alright guy, just tell her that you don't have a problem with him, but you think this trip could be a nice kind of bonding experience for just the two of you. If she thinks that she won't be able to make the drive alone, then don't let his presence ruin your great time :smile:

My mom is in to the dating scene too, and as much as I love her, I don't love the guys she goes with. But even when he hangs out with us, I still enjoy being around my mom. The main thing is, just realize that he's not a replacement for your dad-rather, he can be like a friend to you.

Reply 5

candy_kiss

at the end of the day, will any man your mum dates make you feel 100% happy. NO. Its not your fault, its because he is not your dad. You probably see him as some kind of hinderance but why not just try making friends with him first, like cook your mum him and yourself a meal just so your mum knows are willing to be friends, but tell ehr that you want it to be a family thing when you look at unis etc and say you need your space and could she perhaps invite him round when your out? or her go round to his.

Reply 6

mrblue

i think it would be helpful if you explained this to the bloke your mom is seeing too. if you look at it from his side, hes trying to be accepted into a new family, cut him a little slack and try and get to know him a bit more, the drive up north could turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

i dont think you are being selfish, it think it could be with all the change that is going on at the moment (exams, uni) and also your past, that you want to hold on to a comfortable, safe situation that wont change, ie your relationship with your mom, and that this bloke is changing that.

talk to them both about it, and try and take a bit of interest in the blokes life.. not much, but polite...

sorry if that sounded like a load of crap!

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Thanks for the replies :smile:

I'm glad some people here understand, I don't feel so abnormal anymore I suppose.

She's made up her mind that he's coming otherwise we're not going at all, which is a bit annoying but hey, I'll just take my mp3 player with me and listen to that during the journey. What annoys me is that he even told my mum she should make sure with me first that I'm ok with him coming (he doesn't know anything at ALL about my resentment towards him by the way if you can call it that) yet when I told my mum I wasn't comfortable with it and preferred if we went alone, she wouldn't take it. Never mind.

And yeah, nougat, that's exactly it I think, a twisted sort of jealousy :-/ I wish I didn't feel like this. Also the fact that stuff is all changing now and he's a big part of the change so that wasn't a load of crap at all mrblue :smile:

Anyway I'll stop my moaning now. Thanks a lot again everyone, you've all calmed me down in a weird way lol.

Reply 8

mrblue

haha, glad to help :smile:

Reply 9

Trigger

I agree, cut the poor bloke soem slack, he can prob sense that you arent his biggest fan, but he is offering to driveyou four hours to a uni you might go to, and though of you first when your mum suggested it. i know its hard when your mum finds someone new but dont you think you owe it to her to be mature and
sensible and give this bloke a chance. He doesnt want to be your dad, he wants to be part of your mothers life. And to be honest hes making a better effort then my step dad did.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Trigger, I know and you're completely right. That's what makes it even harder and more confusing. He's a nice guy and offering to drive us up for four hours really is nice of him. My own dad outright refused to drive me up when I asked him because he 'can't be bothered to drive up that far'. I know I'm being a bit of a selfish prat, I just can't help it. It's always been a sensitive subject for me and the only part in my life I listen to my feelings/heart before my head :-/ Plus I'm still torn about the divorce but nobody knows, everyone's always praised me for being strong about the whole thing, especially my mum so of course I've bottled all of these feelings up and still do. But that's another story really isn't it.

Conclusion, I need to grow up. I'm acting like a 5 year old and I need to realise that my mum's not only a mother but a human/woman. I guess it's just weird since she's been like... my confidant forever and has always given me and my brother all of her attention and love. *cheesy*

Sorry, thanks again for your replies.

Reply 11

Trigger

Lol no worries i sort of went through the same thing as you did except before i got to know my step dad, my father died and we all had to move in with him! If you want to talk about it some more in private (cheesy i know) im only a PM away :smile:

Reply 12

Saffie

He's basically a stranger to you.. I mean even if you've chatted to him a few times, he's still a stranger. So of course you'll feel uncomfortable around him.

Reply 13

qubog

As I have a mum who is dating, i've always grit my teeth and tried to get on with her boyfriends. She makes an effort with my boyfriend so why should it be any different for me? As you say, your mum would do anything for you and it sounds like this is really worrying her. She just wants some cohesion as a family unit - thats how she sees you all. If your mum didn't like your boyfriend and didn't want to spend any time with him, you'd be living on the edge all the time and thats how your poor mum must be feeling. I know its hard but please give the guy a chance and make friends with him for your mum's sake.

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