Is it wrong that I resent my brother?

Another active thread got me thinking.

My brother, who is two years younger than me, was always treated like the naughty kid when he was in primary school, as he always got extremely wound up over the little things he couldn't do and the way in which people acted towards him. He got sent home from school several times a week, and was frequently excluded. This period of time was extremely hard for my Mum.

After seeking help, we found out that my brother had Dyspraxia and mild Asperger's Syndrome among other things. We discovered that the reason for his behavior was that the teachers at his primary school just thought he was being bad, so punished him accordingly. He would get shouted at, which just wound him up even more, and sometimes they would actually physically restrain him, which shouldn't have been done in any case.

So all of this grief turned out to be the school's fault, and my Mum had somewhere to place the blame, and had piece of mind that her son was a little Angel. He was withdrawn from this primary school and sent to a new one where they understood his needs.

During this time, everything seemed to be about my brother, and I felt completely neglected by my parents. After his diagnosis, whenever, for example, me and my brother fought, it would automatically be my fault, because anything he did was down to the AS (he once admitted that he frequently used this as an excuse for bad behavior). As an 8 year old child, this was effecting me a lot.

Fast forward to now. My brother is now 15, and has had to be withdrawn from his first secondary school because 'they didn't know how to treat him'. He is demanding and rude, and just expects everything to be done for him, and my mother abides without question - this is clearly nothing to do with his AS.

I frequently ask her why she puts up with how he acts to her, and she just tries to tell me that it is the AS, and that he knows no better. She cooks his meals when he could and should be doing it for himself, then he shouts at her because he doesn't like it. He swears all of the time, calls her a fat *******, and throws things around when he gets angry. Because he is huge, I have actually had to hide from him once when I reset the internet (I didn't know he was on WoW), because I knew he would have seriously hurt me if he found me. He gets away with so many things that I wouldn't, once again, because of his AS.

Now tell me, am I being bitter and jealous? Or is my Mum refusing to come to terms with the fact that her son isn't perfect?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

This is exactly like my brother (who also has AS). My mom let's him walk all over her; he whines and cries until he gets his way, even though he is a proper age. I'm convinced that he would be so much better off if my mom would simply discipline him. If I ever try to correct anything he does (which I only do if he is being extremely rude) I get yelled at because he has AS and I should know better. I think your mom and mine are simply refusing to come to terms, and I wish there was a way to change that. But if your mom is anything like mine, there isn't =/

Reply 2

Saffie

If you resented him for having AS I think that'd be a bit harsh.. because it's going to affect him his whole life and make his life a lot harder than yours will be.

But if he's affecting your home life then I think you're entitled to resent his behaviour. Maybe talk to him about how he treats your mum?

Reply 3

Stressed Chick

Well you don't resent him for having AS, like Saffie said, you resent him for the control he has over you and your life and because you feel he uses AS as an excuse. I don't think that's 'wrong' and I don't think anyone (specially those who haven't been in the situation) can really judge you for that. I also agree with Saffie that maybe you should try and talk to him- ask why hes doing it and say how it's affecting you. I also think you should try and speak to your mum, and tell her that you understand he had AS- but this is taking it too far, and you need to tell her how you feel. If there is a father figure, or an aunt, or someone who is closer to your brother maybe you should ask them- if not, then I'm truly sorry. If it keeps affecting you so badly maybe you should move out to university, where he couldn't control you, but before you leave, tell him to stop treating your mum the way he does. Good luck with it all x

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

I sort of know how you feel - I have a sister who's a couple of years younger than me and she treats my mum like crap. No medical condition or anything like that, she's just a stroppy teenager. What really gets to me is that my parents never say anything to her about her behaviour - she is selfish, inconsiderate and destructive - and if I say anything then it always seems to escalate into a shouting match because I've 'no right to get involved'.

I don't live at home any more, as I'm a first year at uni, and mostly the reason I chose to move out (can't really afford it lol) was because I resent her and her behaviour so much. It kills me that my family indulge her, if anything they show her more affection than me, although I think that's because they expect more from me. We haven't spoken for almost two years now, but while I hate her so much it makes me want to scream she just regards me as a bit of a joke.

I think that probably yes, you are bitter and jealous, but you've every reason to be. I wish I could offer you advice but I'm hardly in a position to do so. I do regret how it's turned out with my sister though ... I wish we could sort this out but she refuses to change her behaviour. Hopefully you're a bigger person than me and you'll be able to forgive your brother in time.