Feeling trapped - just need to spill and ask for advice

Right now I'm really down because I feel really trapped, I cant confide in anyone about this since everyone close to me has an opinion, I just need advice.

Over the summer I got it together with a very close friend of mine, we'd liked each other for a year and we were away together alone in Spain. Two weeks ago he split up with me because well, he came out of a relationship two weeks before getting with me, so wants to be single for a bit. A few days after this happened we saw each other, he ended up kissing me (and one thing led to another, but at the time I made clear it wouldnt so he wouldnt have thought kissing me = action), when I asked why he kissed me he said its because he wanted to. I think we both still like each other, now is simply not the time.

But, everyone (literally everyone) except him is saying I'm stupid for being friends with him (they dont know about the kiss etc) byt they say he'll simply mess me around. One friend in particular says 'my ex' going around telling people we're not close, that he never liked me and says 'my ex' is making me look stupid, but this friend is also known to exagerrate. However, I know 'my ex' has told me things that he hasnt told other people and has acted in ways which indicate we're close, eg been there when no one else has. Also, in some situations 'my ex' can be a bit of a lad, so when he supposidly says things to other people is he just putting up this image everyone else has of him, whilst he lets me in but doesnt what to allow people to see this?

So bascially right now I feel stuck with nowhere to turn. No one else seems to understand our friendship, he is a very good friend (although people say he doesnt consider me one). I am not going to get involved with him again, but stay friends. But am I stupid being friends considering what everyone is saying? I'm just so confused and need some help, dont want this to spoil my second year at uni :frown:

I'm anon, just in case someone who knows my username sees this.

Reply 1

dh00001

its a hard situation. personally i would go with what your friends say. unless they have a reason to lie?
cut contact at least for a while as it would seem you never got the chance to realise that youre not together

Reply 2

frixis

i'd go with my gut... some things we never learn unless we actually experience them first hand.. if my head's telling me to be friends with him and thats wat i wanna do i'd do it... but i'd prepare myself just incase my friends were right about him... and u have to sorta look at how intense ur feelings for him.. if u can overcome then i dont think his advances would bother u much... nothings a big deal unless u make one of it...
just go with wat u want so u have no regrets.. but be careful and have ur guard up...
made sense?

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Does make sense thanks. I do think hmm, go with gut feeling, but then I dont want to alienate my friends by going with my gut feeling. I do think they're my mistakes to make, but will they still have time for me if they turn out to be correct?

:frown:

just so confused

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Sorry to post again, but really, anyone elses views would be much appreciated. Thanks

Reply 5

Paramania

If you have true friends then they should except any desicion that you make and be there for you if things turn sour without saying "I told you so". If they dont accept your desicion then they obviously arent as supportive as they should be.
I agree that you should go with your instincts, if you want to keep in contact with him then do so. But as others have said go in with your guard up, he may just need space to get his head together

Reply 6

Stressed Chick

Hmm in my experience friends or people who are not as involved in the situation tend to see the guy who's swept you off your feet for what he really is BUT- you describe your friend as being someone who exagerrates. I personally wouldn't believe your 'ex' is going around saying all of that without checking first- maybe you should just ask him straight up. Also, it is a bit different in your case if you know things about him which others don;t which could help you get a fuller picture of him than your friends.

Having said all of this, I would be careful anyway whether your friends are right or wrong- because you care for the guy, even though you don't want to get involved, I think you could still end up getting hurt- he obviously does like you, but if he's just come out of a relationship maybe it's a rebound thing, and if it is you'll be the one hurt. But this doesn't mean you can't continue your friendship, it just means you need to be extra careful and make it clear to him that you're just friends and there must be no more kisses, etc, at least while he's getting over his ex. If you and him are friends though, you should be able to ask him about what he has been saying about you, and why. If you're really great friends you should be able to work through this- maybe your friendship won't be the same as it has been in the past, or as close, but it doen't mean it has to be nonexistent.

Finally, after talking to him (about what he's said, and remaining 'just friends') you should go with your own instincts, they are usually right when not clouded by emotions! Just make sure if you start to feel like he's more than just a friend, to back off just a little. Hope it works out for you x

Reply 7

Stressed Chick

PS: I just read this: "Does make sense thanks. I do think hmm, go with gut feeling, but then I dont want to alienate my friends by going with my gut feeling. I do think they're my mistakes to make, but will they still have time for me if they turn out to be correct?"

Your decision should be about you- not alienating your friends! How can choosing to remain friends with someone who has been close to you be betrating your other friends? Sure, you might make a mistake but it's not like you're out deliberately to hurt them- and friends are supposed to help you pick up the pieces after you've made a mistake, not slam the door in your face. You have to do what YOU want, not what you're friends feel, but you do have do bear in mind your friend's warnings while you're doing it. If they don't have time for you if they turn out to be correct- well then maybe its thier friendship you should be questioning?

Reply 8

Notepadmed

OP dont it all to(litarally) follow your gut.. instints take timeout to relax and enjoy your freedom to do what eber you want to do without anyone making decisions without your say so... basically enjoy your independence...

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