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My friend's funeral.
Hi guys.
I'd like to get some outside perspective on this if I may. I left school four years ago, and like many others, I moved away to university as did our entire group of friends. Contact was maintained for a while, but naturally as time progressed we saw/heard less and less of each other until eventually contact with some of them was lost completely. As far as I'm aware, it didn't have to mean that we didn't care about each other, just that we had all found new lives in separate corners of the country but would get back together at special times like christmas in our hometown.
About two weeks ago I found out that one of my old friends had cancer. She had known for a while and was of course having chemotherapy, but since I no longer had her contact details it was very difficult to find out anything else. I knew she was staying at the hospital in my home town so I made plans to go over and see her last weekend. Unfortunately she lost her battle last Saturday morning and I have been trying to accept the fact that I was too late.
Since the news made it to people from our old school, people have been talking about going to her funeral as though it's some kind of public event. I have had people I barely even knew at school contact me asking if *so-and-so* is going to be there and discussing outfits.. (?) People I know my late friend barely knew or even liked are falling over themselves to find out who's going, who's wearing what and which pub they are going to socialise in afterwards, and I feel as though I'm going mad. Someone who was close to my friend before she passed away said that the reason nobody knew about her illness is because she didn't want people paying her attention to her because of her illness, and her family are aware that near strangers are going to their daughter's funeral on a whim and it will make tomorrow harder for them. For this reason I've decided not to go, perhaps go afterwards to lay flowers and say goodbye on my own.
Is this selfish? Any thought would be great guys.
I'd like to get some outside perspective on this if I may. I left school four years ago, and like many others, I moved away to university as did our entire group of friends. Contact was maintained for a while, but naturally as time progressed we saw/heard less and less of each other until eventually contact with some of them was lost completely. As far as I'm aware, it didn't have to mean that we didn't care about each other, just that we had all found new lives in separate corners of the country but would get back together at special times like christmas in our hometown.
About two weeks ago I found out that one of my old friends had cancer. She had known for a while and was of course having chemotherapy, but since I no longer had her contact details it was very difficult to find out anything else. I knew she was staying at the hospital in my home town so I made plans to go over and see her last weekend. Unfortunately she lost her battle last Saturday morning and I have been trying to accept the fact that I was too late.
Since the news made it to people from our old school, people have been talking about going to her funeral as though it's some kind of public event. I have had people I barely even knew at school contact me asking if *so-and-so* is going to be there and discussing outfits.. (?) People I know my late friend barely knew or even liked are falling over themselves to find out who's going, who's wearing what and which pub they are going to socialise in afterwards, and I feel as though I'm going mad. Someone who was close to my friend before she passed away said that the reason nobody knew about her illness is because she didn't want people paying her attention to her because of her illness, and her family are aware that near strangers are going to their daughter's funeral on a whim and it will make tomorrow harder for them. For this reason I've decided not to go, perhaps go afterwards to lay flowers and say goodbye on my own.
Is this selfish? Any thought would be great guys.
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
11
sorry to hear about your friend's death 
The people from your old school sound quite heartless really, and shouldn't be going to her funeral. I guess her family don't have the energy to stop them though. & to be honest, they'll probably be respectful during the proceedings and maybe it'll give them a reality check.
I don't think you should let them stop you going. But not wanting to go either is fine. We all deal with things differently so no one would think you selfish for not going.
The people from your old school sound quite heartless really, and shouldn't be going to her funeral. I guess her family don't have the energy to stop them though. & to be honest, they'll probably be respectful during the proceedings and maybe it'll give them a reality check.
I don't think you should let them stop you going. But not wanting to go either is fine. We all deal with things differently so no one would think you selfish for not going.
Reply 2
21
not selfish at all. but if you want to go..because you knew her.. then go. just don't be a idiot about it like other people seem to be doing.
Reply 3
If you feel like thats the best way to say goodbye to your friend then you should go on your own love, it'll mean more.
And as you were saying about others making this into a town event, it makes me sick, they ovbiously have NO repsect.
Sorry for your loss love.
xxx
And as you were saying about others making this into a town event, it makes me sick, they ovbiously have NO repsect.
Sorry for your loss love.
xxx
Reply 4
People treating it like a social event is selfish, your not going because of that isn't. I wouldn't let them put you off going though, you might regret it if you don't go, and it's not like you have to end up at the pub with everyone else.
Reply 5
11
Someone I was close to up to about Year 9 died in a car crash this summer (after our first year of uni) and while a fair few turned up to a sort of 'memorial assembly' about her, only people she'd been close friends with at some point generally showed up at the funeral.
What this kind of thing does is make people realise that they shouldn't have lost touch and to show that their sentiments are similar they all have a massive meet-up. I shouldn't see it as such a bad thing.
What this kind of thing does is make people realise that they shouldn't have lost touch and to show that their sentiments are similar they all have a massive meet-up. I shouldn't see it as such a bad thing.
Reply 6
I'm not in a position of authority here, but perhaps it would be best for you to attend. If it's going to be largely treated as a social event by morons who wouldn't expend one modicum of grief, then it could be more beneficial for the parents to know that, out there amongst the insipid talk of dresses, suits and the voddy after the funeral, there's someone there who knew their daughter, and despite the distances involved, genuinely cared about them. That's the mark of a true friendship; being able to spend vast amounts of time away from them, often divided by signifiant distances, and yet when you next encounter them, it's like you had been away from each other for five minutes.
Of course, that's my proverbial $.02. My deepest sympathies.
Of course, that's my proverbial $.02. My deepest sympathies.
Reply 7
My deepest sympath to you. Its numb when you lose someone close to you. I think its wrong and putting you friends name in vein if people are too bothered about what to wear and pubs to go to. Its awful. I went to my grandfathers funeral and my god i would never dream of thinking about anything else except him and what a man he was.
Reply 8
id go!
but sit seperately from them all, maybe even at the back
you only have one chance to say 'goodbye' dont let a few attention seekers spoil that for you
but sit seperately from them all, maybe even at the back
you only have one chance to say 'goodbye' dont let a few attention seekers spoil that for you
Reply 9
14
I dont know if this is appropriate but maybe go directly to her family to pay respects? I'm sure they'd appreciate it.
As long as you feel you are doing the right thing then I dont think it really matters though. It depends how you feel you will be able to show best your feelings. If you think it will be by going to the funeral, then go to the funeral. If you think it will be by going on your own to where she will be buried then do that. Don't let other peoples attitudes affect what you are going to do.
As long as you feel you are doing the right thing then I dont think it really matters though. It depends how you feel you will be able to show best your feelings. If you think it will be by going to the funeral, then go to the funeral. If you think it will be by going on your own to where she will be buried then do that. Don't let other peoples attitudes affect what you are going to do.
Reply 10
I'm sorry you feel like people are coming to your friends funeral who barely knew her.
I know that it must feel like they are treating it like a party, and not like something meaningful but they probably do not realise the effect they are having on the situation.
My friends little sister died a few years ago and practically the whole school turned up to her funeral. It wasnt out of intrest or curiousity and it wasnt just so they could see and gossip. People often have a genuine sympathy and if you friend died young it is very understandable, that people that maybe she didnt even know have been touched by what happened to her and just want to be their on the day.
Yes, you may feel like your friend did not want them to be there, but you shouldnt let them put you off going on such an important day.
I know its difficult and I understand you probably think they are all being extremely superficial, but there is a good chance they are upset just like you are.
I know that it must feel like they are treating it like a party, and not like something meaningful but they probably do not realise the effect they are having on the situation.
My friends little sister died a few years ago and practically the whole school turned up to her funeral. It wasnt out of intrest or curiousity and it wasnt just so they could see and gossip. People often have a genuine sympathy and if you friend died young it is very understandable, that people that maybe she didnt even know have been touched by what happened to her and just want to be their on the day.
Yes, you may feel like your friend did not want them to be there, but you shouldnt let them put you off going on such an important day.
I know its difficult and I understand you probably think they are all being extremely superficial, but there is a good chance they are upset just like you are.
Reply 11
firstly i'd like to say that i'm so sorry about your friend :[
and secondly that i really think you should go to the funeral...
you seem to be beating yourself up about not getting to see her on time at the hospital, and so i think you would always regret not going to the funeral. for many people the funeral is a closure on someones life and a closure on their grief, i know for me when my aunt died it was awfull when she'd died but then after the funeral i knew she wouldn't be coming back and i'd have to move on and rebuild my life around it, so i found the funeral really helpfull in that sence.
Obviously if you don't feel compfertable with going to the funeral then you shouldn't go, but please please please don't let those idiets who are taking the funeral like a sociel event put you off going, you knew her, you were good friends with her, even though you didnt see much of her in later life you know deep down and i'm sure her parents knew that you were real friends.
the fact that you care so much about the hurt and pain her parents are going threw and that your friends 'aquantances' shows how true are friend you are to her and how you cared so much about her so please do not, not go to the funeral because of these other people. choose whether you go or not on wheather you feel you can or not.
sorry, i'm rambling but i cant get my thoughts down properly.
i hope you're ok and are coping.
my thoughts are with you at this sad time.
xxxxxxx
and secondly that i really think you should go to the funeral...
you seem to be beating yourself up about not getting to see her on time at the hospital, and so i think you would always regret not going to the funeral. for many people the funeral is a closure on someones life and a closure on their grief, i know for me when my aunt died it was awfull when she'd died but then after the funeral i knew she wouldn't be coming back and i'd have to move on and rebuild my life around it, so i found the funeral really helpfull in that sence.
Obviously if you don't feel compfertable with going to the funeral then you shouldn't go, but please please please don't let those idiets who are taking the funeral like a sociel event put you off going, you knew her, you were good friends with her, even though you didnt see much of her in later life you know deep down and i'm sure her parents knew that you were real friends.
the fact that you care so much about the hurt and pain her parents are going threw and that your friends 'aquantances' shows how true are friend you are to her and how you cared so much about her so please do not, not go to the funeral because of these other people. choose whether you go or not on wheather you feel you can or not.
sorry, i'm rambling but i cant get my thoughts down properly.
i hope you're ok and are coping.
my thoughts are with you at this sad time.
xxxxxxx
Reply 12
15
Sorry about your friend. 
My suggestion matches up to a lot of the others on this thread I think. If you don't feel comfortable attending the funeral, then don't go; it's not the only way to pay your respects. However, if you do want to go, don't let anyone else stop you from being there.
When I was in Year 12, a workmate a year older than me died of Meningitis suddenly. He'd been ill at work, and my Mum (who worked in the same shop) had forced the manager to let him go home, since the manager intended to keep him on until the end of his shift. He left, and by morning had passed away.
Obviously, many of us were very upset. I was asked to cover the guy's pre-planned shifts, and did so out of respect, but the atmosphere was terrible; and it was hard not to break down when customers mentioned him, or brought a newspaper to the till with his face on the front. It was particularly difficult, since many other staff members seemed to be looking at me, and realising that I was working when he should've been.
When the date of his funeral was announced, we all made our plans to meet at school, walk to the supermarket, where we'd meet the other staff-members before walking to the church. We were discussing and finalising those plans, when one girl in my year piped up with 'I didn't even know him really, I never did any shifts with him - but hey, good excuse for a day off school!', you can imagine the anger from the rest of us. Luckily, we made our thoughts known, and she didn't turn up on the day.
However, had she turned up, she would've received as little reaction as possible from the rest of us, as we had an important funeral to pay attention to. The fact is, that if that funeral is going to mean anything to you, then you shouldn't let anyone else spoil it, or take away from it's importance. For me, the funeral was the first point at which I was able to come to terms with the death - and it might be an important part of the grieving process for you too.
My suggestion matches up to a lot of the others on this thread I think. If you don't feel comfortable attending the funeral, then don't go; it's not the only way to pay your respects. However, if you do want to go, don't let anyone else stop you from being there.
When I was in Year 12, a workmate a year older than me died of Meningitis suddenly. He'd been ill at work, and my Mum (who worked in the same shop) had forced the manager to let him go home, since the manager intended to keep him on until the end of his shift. He left, and by morning had passed away.
Obviously, many of us were very upset. I was asked to cover the guy's pre-planned shifts, and did so out of respect, but the atmosphere was terrible; and it was hard not to break down when customers mentioned him, or brought a newspaper to the till with his face on the front. It was particularly difficult, since many other staff members seemed to be looking at me, and realising that I was working when he should've been.
When the date of his funeral was announced, we all made our plans to meet at school, walk to the supermarket, where we'd meet the other staff-members before walking to the church. We were discussing and finalising those plans, when one girl in my year piped up with 'I didn't even know him really, I never did any shifts with him - but hey, good excuse for a day off school!', you can imagine the anger from the rest of us. Luckily, we made our thoughts known, and she didn't turn up on the day.
However, had she turned up, she would've received as little reaction as possible from the rest of us, as we had an important funeral to pay attention to. The fact is, that if that funeral is going to mean anything to you, then you shouldn't let anyone else spoil it, or take away from it's importance. For me, the funeral was the first point at which I was able to come to terms with the death - and it might be an important part of the grieving process for you too.
Reply 13
I woudl still have went.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Reply 14
14
Sorry to hear about this.
My advice to you would be to go, as you may regret it later on, but if you don't like these peoples' attitudes (which are, frankly, stupid) then don't sit with them/talk to them while you are there.
But perhaps reality will kick in for them once they are actually there that it's a funeral and certainly not a school reunion.
Hope it goes OK for you whatever you decide to do.
My advice to you would be to go, as you may regret it later on, but if you don't like these peoples' attitudes (which are, frankly, stupid) then don't sit with them/talk to them while you are there.
But perhaps reality will kick in for them once they are actually there that it's a funeral and certainly not a school reunion.
Hope it goes OK for you whatever you decide to do.
Reply 15
15
Clubber Lang
I woudl still have went.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Oh, I wondered what your use of past-tense was for there, but I've just realised.
Bit too late for my input then.
Reply 16
not selfish at all. the right thing and i would do the same
Reply 17
14
Clubber Lang
I woudl still have went.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Though it is odd peopel want to go to a funeral of someone they didnt really know properly.
Just saw this one. It's a bit of a tricky thing to decide if you knew someone well enough to go to their funeral. A girl in my year at school died of leukaemia a couple of years ago, and I never went to her funeral because I'd hardly ever said two words to her and I thought it'd be too strange for me to go.
Reply 18
sorry to hear about your friend
I had a friend who died and there were plenty of people who came to the funeral who didn't even know him, the only reason they came was to look 'cool' and to brag they knew him...it really REALLY bugged me and ticked me off but there was nothing i could really do about it, like you can't. But if i had not attended the funeral i would have felt really bad later, like i didn't get to pay my last respects if you know what i mean so i think you shouldn't not go because of yout STUPID old school people. But if you feel you shouldn't go for any other reason..then don't, just don't let the decision be because of the other people.
xxx
I had a friend who died and there were plenty of people who came to the funeral who didn't even know him, the only reason they came was to look 'cool' and to brag they knew him...it really REALLY bugged me and ticked me off but there was nothing i could really do about it, like you can't. But if i had not attended the funeral i would have felt really bad later, like i didn't get to pay my last respects if you know what i mean so i think you shouldn't not go because of yout STUPID old school people. But if you feel you shouldn't go for any other reason..then don't, just don't let the decision be because of the other people.
xxx
Reply 19
I personally think you'd regret it.
I've had to support my friend for the past 2 weeks who heard that a girl she went to primary and high school with died 2 weeks ago because of cancer. And she wasn't going to go to the funeral because of lectures etc, a group was posted on facebook to sorta of "promote it" etc. And I think she felt similar to you. Didn't want to see it as a show.
I convinced her to go home and go to the service. Not for anybody else but her and her friend. And she did.
I think you'd feel bad not going. you should go.
I've had to support my friend for the past 2 weeks who heard that a girl she went to primary and high school with died 2 weeks ago because of cancer. And she wasn't going to go to the funeral because of lectures etc, a group was posted on facebook to sorta of "promote it" etc. And I think she felt similar to you. Didn't want to see it as a show.
I convinced her to go home and go to the service. Not for anybody else but her and her friend. And she did.
I think you'd feel bad not going. you should go.
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