Good Impression

12

How d'you make a good impression?
I'm generally a very shy person. I don't feel comfortable in groups, especially with people I don't know and I'm not very good at making conversation.
I've decided this year that I will make an effort with societes, in order to meet people. To that end, just to start off with, I'm going bowling on Wednesday. I looked on my student union website and found the ten pin bowling society. I emailed them, and the captain just said to come along on Wednesday. So I'm going to go along.
I have problems with this; for one, I don't think I make a good first impression. I either talk too much, or not at all :redface:

. Secondly, I don't have good conversation skills, so I find it hard to keep the conversation flowing. I don't know what questions to ask, in order to learn about people, and when to stop talking when people ask me about myself. Thirdly, I'm really self conscious and think anyone I meet is judging me :frown:

. Obviously they are, it's human nature. But I'm paranoid and automatically assume they're juging me harshly and negatively and taking an immediate dislike to me :frown:

.

Has anyone got any tips to overcome this, aside from picturing them all in their underware, which I have no intention of doing?
Thanks for reading :smile:

.

Reply 1

Nix!

11

Christ sake, relax man.

Don't make it out to be such a big deal because it really isn't.

Reply 2

ßlαcksωαn

17

Nix!

Christ sake, relax man.

Don't make it out to be such a big deal because it really isn't.

easy for you to say, but have some consideration, not everyone is the perfect example of perfect social skills :rolleyes:

matt, I think it's great that you've actually taken some effort to even get involved with the bowling club and other societies, that proves you want it which means you'll be motivated to make a change within yourself. The best thing to do is try not to think too much about what to say, because that's when you think too much and therefore your talking gets affected. Just try and let the convo flow, dont try to hard, yet try enough.
And please try your best to not give a damn about what other people think of you or what impressions they make about you. Because look at yourself, you make these impressions about people you meet, sometimes good, sometimes bad, like you said we all do it, just try not to care too much.
I mean you probably don't know these people, so in the worst case secario, just think that you'll never have to talk to them again really. good luck :smile:

Reply 3

Profesh

20

I used to feel like that; and my solution was to elicit validation through being as gregarious, witty and erudite as possible. Unfortunately I didn't know where to draw the line, and would wind up forging acquaintances (on the sole basis of potential for revelry) such that, come those occasions when I felt too dejected to practise my typically jovial demeanour, I'd become reclusive and anti-social; ultimately relying on the aforementioned acquaintances to dispel that malaise by meeting me 'more than half-way' as it were (and, in doing so, proving themselves as 'friends'). Fortunately, this has happened frequently enough now that I no longer am concerned with the prospect of alienation, and can adopt a personality which is more broadly representative of my character from the off.

You're on the right track. As a rule-of-thumb, the most effective method by which to improve social aptitude is through practice; though, for future reference, I'd advise joining a society pertaining to something in which you've a prior interest, just in case the 'Bowling Society' turn out to be genuinely passionate about an activity whose function you view as more social or recreational than sporting or otherwise competitive. Remember: being 'outgoing' doesn't necessitate actually 'going out'.

Reply 4

matt@internet

OP

12

Profesh

You're on the right track. As a rule-of-thumb, the most effective method by which to improve social aptitude is through practice; though, for future reference, I'd advise joining a society pertaining to something in which you've a prior interest, just in case the 'Bowling Society' turn out to be genuinely passionate about an activity whose function you view as more social or recreational than sporting or otherwise competitive. Remember: being 'outgoing' doesn't necessitate actually 'going out'.

Good point actually, cheers.

Reply 5

matt@internet

OP

12

Any more?

Reply 6

username47781

20

It's an old cliche but be yourself, don't pretend to be something that you're not.

Reply 7

9mm

12

I know it's hard, but try striking up more conversations with people you know and are familiar with (e.g. close family/friends). Then perhaps say hi or good morning/afternoon and that kind of stuff to people you don't know as you walk by (but not every single person) or if you’re stuck in an elevator etc. as not only will it make them happy, but it will also make you more confident and less shy around people. Hopefully by practicing these skills, you'll find it easier to confront people you don't know and then eventually it will be much more natural to strike up conversations with those people you aren’t familiar with or have just met. Joining societies etc. is a very good step, so you're on the right track mate. You should be fine, and good luck, hope it goes well with the bowling.

Reply 8

economist_robinson

7

matt@internet

How d'you make a good impression?
I'm generally a very shy person. I don't feel comfortable in groups, especially with people I don't know and I'm not very good at making conversation.
I've decided this year that I will make an effort with societes, in order to meet people. To that end, just to start off with, I'm going bowling on Wednesday. I looked on my student union website and found the ten pin bowling society. I emailed them, and the captain just said to come along on Wednesday. So I'm going to go along.
I have problems with this; for one, I don't think I make a good first impression. I either talk too much, or not at all :redface:

. Secondly, I don't have good conversation skills, so I find it hard to keep the conversation flowing. I don't know what questions to ask, in order to learn about people, and when to stop talking when people ask me about myself. Thirdly, I'm really self conscious and think anyone I meet is judging me :frown:

. Obviously they are, it's human nature. But I'm paranoid and automatically assume they're juging me harshly and negatively and taking an immediate dislike to me :frown:

.

Has anyone got any tips to overcome this, aside from picturing them all in their underware, which I have no intention of doing?
Thanks for reading :smile:

.

I know you probably class yourself as a shy person - but others probably don't see you in this way.

In a recent psychological study two groups of people were tested - one group who had previously described themselves as assertive and confident and another group who classed themselves as shy and introverted. They were put under a interview scenario and experts studied them and could not differentiate who had described themselves as shy and who described themselves as confident.

Surely that proves that just because you think you are shy other people probably dont think that. In a recent interview Jeremy Paxman confessed he too got nervous in certain situations! Thats what I think about when I feel overwhelmed - everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to even consider how shy you are!

Don't let your (perceived) shyness hold you back - live for today and forget what happened yesterday. I consider myself coy or quiet rather than shy - just don't hide behind the word redefine boundaries for yourself!

Reply 9

9mm

12

economist_robinson

I know you probably class yourself as a shy person - but others probably don't see you in this way.

In a recent psychological study two groups of people were tested - one group who had previously described themselves as assertive and confident and another group who classed themselves as shy and introverted. They were put under a interview scenario and experts studied them and could not differentiate who had described themselves as shy and who described themselves as confident.

Surely that proves that just because you think you are shy other people probably dont think that. In a recent interview Jeremy Paxman confessed he too got nervous in certain situations! Thats what I think about when I feel overwhelmed - everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to even consider how shy you are!

Don't let your (perceived) shyness hold you back - live for today and forget what happened yesterday. I consider myself coy or quiet rather than shy - just don't hide behind the word redefine boundaries for yourself!

But women can sense it...like dogs. :ninja:

After having read OPs post again, I feel that my post wasn't very helpful :p:

If you're asking for good topic starters, then look around you, consider where you're at? What questions can you bring up based on that? Do you notice something in particular about the person you're having a conversation with? If so, ask about that (as long as it's not too personal). There are many ways to start conversations. n_n

Reply 10

economist_robinson

7

Aristoteles

But women can sense it...like dogs. :ninja:

After having read OPs post again, I feel that my post wasn't very helpful :p:

If you're asking for good topic starters, then look around you, consider where you're at? What questions can you bring up based on that? Do you notice something in particular about the person you're having a conversation with? If so, ask about that (as long as it's not too personal). There are many ways to start conversations. n_n

I agree with the person above about conversation starters - its quite likely that the first conversations you have with new people wont be earth shattering but persevere and eventually you will become close. If you are a boy then please LISTEN to what the other person is saying ( you gotta love sweeping generalisations) as boys often dont.

Reply 11

9mm

12

economist_robinson

I agree with the person above about conversation starters - its quite likely that the first conversations you have with new people wont be earth shattering but persevere and eventually you will become close. If you are a boy then please LISTEN to what the other person is saying ( you gotta love sweeping generalisations) as boys often dont.

Good point, forgot that. Yes try to listen more to what the opposite sex has to say. Besides, listening is easier than talking.

Reply 12

Bedshaped

14

Just own them at bowling.

I'm sure they'll love you if your amazing.

Reply 13

*pitseleh*

20

Aristoteles

But women can sense it...like dogs. :ninja:

After having read OPs post again, I feel that my post wasn't very helpful :p:

If you're asking for good topic starters, then look around you, consider where you're at? What questions can you bring up based on that? Do you notice something in particular about the person you're having a conversation with? If so, ask about that (as long as it's not too personal). There are many ways to start conversations. n_n

*chortles*

We women are not one giant entity with one giant way of thinking, y'know! :wink:

Personally, I don't tend to notice when people are nervous around me, because I'm too busy worrying about my own nerves. I think it's a big (but very common) mistake to assume that everyone is scrutinising you closely when they meet you... because you don't allow for the fact that they may be as afraid of you as you are of them! (Or is that spiders?! :biggrin:

) But seriously.. my other half and I first got together about five-and-a-half years ago, and for the first few years of knowing him, I thought he was the most confident person I'd ever met.. until he actually admitted that the thought of talking to me (when we first knew each other) terrified him, because he was afraid of saying something stupid. If he'd never said as much, I'd never have guessed. :smile:

So: first step, *stop* thinking that everyone is judging every last thing you say and do, because they're not. Yes, they're paying attention to what you say and do.. but if people can't allow you to settle into a conversation without judging you negatively, then they're probably not worth knowing anyway. :s-smilie:

Second step: I personally find things an awful lot easier if I have a drink (no - not when I get plastered.. just when I've had one or two, hee hee) as it improves my confidence (I'm pretty shy, by the way). Obviously this only applies when you're at an event at which drinking is a good idea! Haha. :biggrin:

Third step: Again, personally speaking, I find general questions help start a conversation.. "Are you studying/working?" is usually a good one, because most people love to talk about themselves! And then if they mention something that interests you, then grasp the chance! So, let's say someone tells you they study film: talk about some films you're into. Let's say someone works in such-and-such area: discuss the area. If the conversation dries up, ask them what they like doing outside of study/work... and so on.

Obviously this isn't a formula to be followed or anything, it's just a few suggestions. The main thing is really just practice, I guess! :smile:

Reply 14

Lara C.

3

i think the most important skill to learn is to read their body language, if you thin k they are starting to get frustrated or bored etc just shut up and leave them alone etc. if they become interested or something dont get carried away with yourself i.e. bigheaded.

Reply 15

Dream_Catcher

1

Well firstly you need to relax... lol. Glad you've made an effort to socialise :smile:

Most of all just be yourself ( it'll also help you gain confidence from knowing people like to for who you are :p:

)

You ever played before, if not maybe you could get a friendly looking person to show you the ropes....

Also when having a conversation try to keep eye contact or they'll think your bored lol (just don't give them scary stalking looks). Try to keep the conversation replies short and to the point but interesting i.e. don't just talk about yourself ask them for thier opinion.

Hope this helps and have fun!!

Good Impression

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