Wow where was this when I was dying of confusion and misplaced guilt.
I would like to add some points also (obvs this can relate to any kind of relationship but just using"He" because it's easier for me lol :
When you confront him about something and he turns it into your faults
For example; he/she obviously flirting with other women, messaging sexual messages, being active on dating accounts - you confront him about this because as a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you feel like these are things you cannot tolerate when you're exclusive. He turns it on it's head and says, why are you getting so paranoid? Do you not trust me? Stop suffocating me, please give me space - no wonder I do these things, it's your fault. If you weren't like this I wouldn't do this.
When he gives you moments of affection, love and attention but at the cost of undermining, abusing, humiliating, mistreating you.
This took me a long time to realise. All couples have their ups and downs but when your "downs" are enough to make you feel undeserving of love, when it's enough to make you feel like you're a **** girlfriend, nothing you do is enough to make yourself or anyone happy, then please remember these small moments of seemingly priceless affection and hugs and kisses and dates come at a price which could be your sanity.
It could be being treated to dinner and a random kiss here and there after an argument - all the hell you've been through is worth it just to get some affection.
When you they use what you've spoken to them about in confidence against you
When you tell someone your insecurities, the problems you've faced and are facing, how you feel about yourself, perhaps even how you feel about your family and in an argument or even an underhanded comment, he mentions these knowing you spoke to him about it as something that upsets you, it means he does not respect your feelings and your experiences as a human being.
When he tells you everything he's done to help you or to support you and throws it back in your face
I mean people can do this quite often but when it gets to the point he says "I did this for you and that for you so the least you could do is do this for me" etc. Not only does it change the meaning of his actions to something he's done out of love and consideration to something he did to gain leverage over you, it also means that anything you ask from him comes at a price.
When he begins to compare you to other people for things that define you as a person
Why can't you dress like her? You're such a boy sometimes be a little feminine it's embarrassing. Do you see anyone else looking like that? What would people say if they saw you with me and you're acting like that?
Not only do you begin to compromise your being but also end up always changing things of yourself to please someone else who has no problem making you feel like **** about yourself - this comparison thing will never end and thus the changes you make to yourself will also not change until you reach a limit.
When an argument brings up everything you've done in the past
You're human, you're not perfect and you also can grow and change whilst you're in a relationship. So if you do something silly 5 months ago and it gets brought up in an argument over perhaps "flirting" with a guy, know that anything you will do will be used against you as leverage to make you feel inferior in this relationship.
From my experience, the best intense kind of relationship at the start could end up being one where you're wondering why everything you do leads to a fight or why he isn't ever happy with you? what else could you do to change yourself.
You don't have to give up yourself, your morals or values to make someone else happy. The moment you let yourself lose sight of the person you are and who you want to be is the moment someone else can manipulate this and become the essence of your being whether you realise it or not.
I hope you remember that you deserve so much more than what you settled for and take time to heal on your own so you know who you truly are, and not who you made yourself become.
Wish you all luck x